DAVID DeAngelo, expert in douchery, has written a 10-point article about the art of talking to women… SEXUALLY. He uses the word so often in this piece that it’s impossible to read it without big caps and Zap Brannigan’s voice in your head, writes Rebecca Brynolf.
Let’s take a look at Dave’s advice for talking to women… SEXUALLY, point by point, and see where he might be going wrong.
“Did you know that talking about sex with a woman can be the first step to actually having it?” – It CAN be, if you’ve established a genuine connection and a mutual level of attraction. It CAN also be the first step to a woman pulling the rape alarm, too.
“Unfortunately, most guys screw up big time when they try to turn a conversation in that direction, and end up coming across as “creepy” or clueless.” – No kidding, Dave.
“The solution here is to learn how to flirt with a woman in a sexual way. Here are 10 tips to help you do so.” – In a SEXUAL way, you say?
“Speak in a sexy way
“Think you can turn a woman on with a high-pitched, squeaky voice?” – Hey, it worked for Prince.
“Think again. Women pay more attention to your voice tone than to the words you speak.” – Honestly, sometimes when men speak I’m so overcome with the SEXUALNESS of how men speak rather than what they say that I may as well be listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher.
“When you flirt with a woman in a sexual way, work on improving your delivery. Speak slowly, hold eye contact, deepen your voice and pause. But be careful not to be overdramatic and cheesy.” – Dave, Dave. If you speak slowly with frequent pauses, a woman, or anyone, is going to think that either you’re slow, or you think they’re slow. OR that you think you’re a Brit abroad.
“Accuse her of being the aggressor
“One the best ways to get the fun started is to accuse a woman of trying to seduce you.” – … And that, M’Lord, is my defence.
“For example, if she mentions something about her house, such as, “I just moved into a new place,” or, “Do you know how to install a wireless router?,” say, “Wow, are you trying to get me to come over to your house already? I’m not surprised though.” Women love it when men do this.” – People I don’t really know being over familiar and patronising couldn’t dry up my vagina quicker, if I’m honest.
“Don’t be surprised if she really tries to get you to come over soon after!” – But DO be stunned by the pigs flying overhead and the seven circles of hell being chosen as the venue for the next Winter Olympics.
“Imply that you’re a stud
“Women want men who know how to please them, but you can’t come right out and say, “I’m a great lover.” Instead, use sexual innuendo to indirectly convey this message.” – In YOUR endo, Dave.
“For example, suppose you’re at your place making a drink for a woman and she says, “Wow, you’re good at that.” Look at her square in the eye and say, “I’m good at a lot of things.” – Like being modest. You’re the BEST at that.
“Have her use you
“Women accuse men of using them for sex all the time, so why not turn the tables?” – This can only go well for you, Dave.
“The next time you do something considerate for a woman,” – AHAHAHA
” tell her, “So you’re using me already — next thing I know you’ll be trying to use me for other things as well.” She’ll find this role-reversal hilarious,” SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL. THAT’S HILARIOUS.
” and it’s a great way to bring up the topic of sex in a safe, fun and non-threatening way.” – Dave, we need to go through the definitions of safe, fun and non-threatening.
“Sex up boring conversation
“When most men first meet a woman, they ask her typical, boring questions like, “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” Women usually hate it when guys do this,” – Yes, people bothering to learn my name and what it is I do with my day is SO. DULL.
“but you can set yourself apart by using these drab questions to turn things in a sexual direction. For example, if you find out a woman is from Spain, you can say to her, “Hmm… you know what they say about women from Spain, don’t you?” – They… can probably speak Spanish?
“Then, let your sly smile and solid eye contact suggest that you know Spanish women are… well, let’s just say a lot of fun.” – Do… Do Spanish women really like go-karting? Playing charades? I don’t get your meaning, Dave. YOU’RE TOO SUBTLE.
“Bring sex into everyday chat
“A great way to flirt sexually with a woman is to compare some “outside the bedroom” activities to “inside the bedroom” activities.” – As in sexual partners are like buses?
“For example, let’s suppose you bring a female guest a cup of tea. You can follow by saying, “Looks like you’re on the receiving end today. Do you always receive, or do you like to give at times, too?” – If you wanted a cup of tea, Dave, you should have put more water in the kettle.
“Crack a slight smile, and she will know exactly what you’re talking about.” – Honestly, Dave, she probably will but she’ll have the good grace not to sully a sacred cup of tea by drawing attention to your creepy innuendo because you are just embarrassing yourself.
“Offer to pay her back
“Oftentimes, a woman will do something nice, then tease by saying, “That’s okay, you can pay me back later.” Why not make the currency sexual? Say something like, “Pay you back… ummm… I’m short on cash right now. Do you have any creative payment options in mind?” – OK, I want to set the record straight to every guy I’ve ever waived the cost of a Snickers bar to, that I do NOT want sexual payment. It’s just a Snickers. Besides, you save that kind of stuff for a ferrero rocher or a wagon wheel.
“Tell her she’s naughty
“Another fun way to tease a woman in a sexual way is to accuse her of being “naughty” in her everyday activities.” – Like I’m five.
“For example, if a woman tells you she was just in the shower,” – Because showers are such a rarity that I must tell people when I have one.
” ask her how it was. If she gives any positive response, reply with something like, “Nice shower? Interesting. What exactly were you doing in there that made it so nice? I’m curious.” – You spelt ‘predatory’ wrong.
“Show that you’re sex-savvy
“Want to know a secret about female sexuality that 99% of men don’t know?” – As a woman yourself, Dave, you MUST know. Please, enlighten us all.
“Here it is:” – CAN’T WAIT.
“Many women feel compelled to vacuum their house each month when they’re ovulating.” – …
“Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to “clean the nest” before laying her “egg.” – I… That is not what I expected, and as for ‘some experts’, I’m going to need to see the empirical evidence on that.
“So when a woman tells you she is vacuuming, say “Vacuuming? What, are you ovulating or something?” – WHEN DOES A WOMAN EVER TELL ANYONE SHE’S VACUUMING? And when is appropriate response, “Oh. Riding the crimson wave, then?”
“She’ll be stunned that you know this, and she’ll wonder what else you know about female sexuality. Of course, if she doesn’t know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new, especially about themselves.” – No, wait, THIS is what dries my vagina up in an instant; someone who isn’t a woman, nor a biologist who specialises in female anatomy, explaining female sexuality and bodily functions, to a woman.
Well, Dave. We’re down to the final tip. You have failed to impress and enlighten thus far. Let’s hope you can pull a showstopper out for Number 1.Number 1
“Find double meanings
“The English language is literally packed with words you can twist around to create sexual meanings.” – LITERALLY.
Wet, juicy, hard, fast, hot…” – Moist, hymen, thyroid.
” the possibilities are endless. For example, if she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like “Big can be a good thing, don’t you think?” Once you start looking for opportunities, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to add a bit of sexuality to everyday conversations.”
And once you start inserting SEX into every conversation you have with a woman, you’ll find that you’ll have vastly reduced your ability to hold a conversation with a woman. A fascinating, clever, funny woman who might have otherwise found you interesting and charming, but you spent the whole time referring to your dick.
Dave, you’re a snake oil salesman. You’ve identified lonely men and told them that casual sex is the answer to their problems. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, it can be great, but in your article you have presented women as a simple puzzle. Women aren’t Rubix Cubes with boobs*, and you can’t just allude to sex with every woman you talk to with varying degrees of subtlety until the sex prize falls out. It’s insulting to the women who have to put up with the poor lonely bloke who thinks it’ll work, and it’s an insult to the good, thoughtful men who would never dream of putting a woman’s back up like that.
You know why? Because they all figured out that women are people too.