Can someone explain the logic behind some things my wife said to me? [Infidelity]
I found out, last week that my wife has been cheating on me with her co worker. When I came into my house, I found them both in our marital bed with her blind folded and tied to the headboard.
I am still trying to understand what she did and why she did it, so I asked her about it. She said two things that I don’t understand and can’t make sense of or get over. I’m hoping this is the right place to get some unbiased insight into it, hopefully without any sides being taken.
When I asked her why she never told me she is into this whole ‘being tied up’ stuff, she said she was too embarrassed to tell me about it so she went and got it with her co worker instead. I do not understand this at all. How can someone be embarrassed of talking their own spouse a personal thing like this, but tell some random man about?
Secondly, I asked her if he is what she wants, because if so she can leave with him. She said no, that although the sex was different (yes, she actually said this), she loves we what have together. We make love, but with him it was just physical sex. To me that just sounds like a way of saying sex with me does not do anything for her physically.
All insight would be appreciated. TiA
merciless420: Can’t be trusted, leave. You deserve better.
Nerd1001: Whelp, your wife is making up a bunch of excuses and bullshit straight up. She was caught and now she trying to save herself. Her logic is nothing but crap, if she was having sexual problems with you, she should have talked to you about them and see what you two could do to spice your sex lives. But that’s not what she did at all, she wanted to fuck the guy at her work place.
What you do next is your decision, I would walk the fuck out and leave her. But that’s not my choice to make.
Tyronymousrex: Don’t even try to make sense of what she said. Cheaters almost always try to shift blame to the person they cheated on. They will say almost anything once caught to defend themselves. Ignore it all. Right now you should entirely focus on protecting yourself and initiating a divorce.
thinkalive: Really sounds like trying to save the convenience she has with you. Kick her out!
asmorbidus: Short answer: she cheated, ditch her.
Not as short: she wanted to try something different, apparently had a thing for this guy, didnt communicate any of this and here we are. If you want to try and salvage this, yall need to sit down and have a long talk about the future. If either of you wont talk about it, ditch her.
Dporf: My uncle got a divorce of a 7 year toxic marriage and now he’s with the woman of his dreams. I wish to you the same.
thatasianredditgirl: Cheating is wrong. Plain and simple. However, some insight if you’re just trying to unpack the situation.
Sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger your sexual inclinations because it doesn’t matter. They don’t matter. Their opinions (probably) don’t matter. If it negatively changes their opinions of you that also doesn’t matter because you can just never see them again. Sometimes it’s just easier to tell a stranger something because there’s no fear of losing something. Now, I agree 100% that she should be able to tell you about her sexual desires since you are her husband but maybe she had some fear that you’d be disgusted by it or some other negative reaction.
Second point – I’m a woman that very rarely pairs sex with emotions. It doesn’t mean that sex with my husband isn’t great but sex with any other person could probably be just as great or even better because then there’s no pressure to make it about anything other than the sex. I had to really get over the pressure of “romantic sex” before I could fully enjoy sex with my husband. I mean there’s been a handful of times we’ve had sex and I could tell it was more “emotional” but 9/10 I’m putting as much emotion into it as I would if I was having a one night stand.
Sorry this shitty thing happened to you.
Kit4000: Let me first day Im sorry this happened. And in no way am I defending your wife. What she did is inexcusable , beyond hurtful and disrespectful.
It could be very well she is just trying to cover with weak excuses but..
Have you frequented this sub? Tons of posts everyday from people who feel like they cant tell their SOs what they like sexually for different reasons. Ive heard the SO is very vanilla and has been resistant to kink or trying anything new in the pst, or SO may have expressed their distaste for a kink the poster secretly has making it awkward to bring it up, etc.
Personally I have never understood how and why people bring new partners into their situation. But with a stranger she can break it off anytime, she doent care or worry if he thinks she is too kinky and if he doesnt like it , she can move on. Also, some people have a separation in their mind as to what they do in a long term committed relationship and what they do with a fling.
Again Im not saying she is justified but these are things that occur to me based on things I have seen on this sub.
ShortGhuleh: She cheated. That alone would make me leave. You are the one person on the planet she is supposed to confide in about these things…and she’s too embarrassed? My ass, she wanted to screw someone else. I hope you figure out what is best for you.
yesmissy: Sounds like the sort of bull shit people say to justify their actions.
fulanoderock: She’s just saying those things to you because she wants her cake and want to eat it too. She knows you are reliable and always there for her, yet she wants to fuck another guy. She’s just pulling your strings man, RUN.
sphinxandcrows: There is none. I mean, if a guy was sure enough to marry me, I would think he could handle my kink. In this case, it seems like your wife just wanted to fuck her coworker. That doesn’t mean that you two had bad sex; it just means that she had different views about monogamy to begin with, and she wasn’t being honest with herself or you about those views.
mwise003: You can no longer trust ANYTHING she says. She will say whatever she thinks she has to to keep you. If you don’t have kids, there really isn’t anything left to “talk” about except maybe, “Sign here”.
PFalcone33: She’s blaming you for why she cheated.
Bluewhale127: You want some answers so this is what i thought:
1/ Her embarrasment: I think she has Madonna/whore complex to herself. Means she assumes you have an ideal concept of “good wife” while also had a negative prejudice that Bdsm is bad/slutty.. so she doesnt dare to tell you and break her image. With a random man she doesnt need to care how he will look at her fetish so she can tell whatever she really wants.
2/ I can only answer this question from my own experience with the assumption that she is also a sub as I am (r/bdsmcommunity if you need to know what this means): To me normal, vanilla sex is still meaningful and beautiful. It is very intimate, passionate and perfect at that moment. But not enough for a long time relationship. Temporarily or momentarily I am satisfied but permanently I need both normal sex and my fetish to be fulfilled. However I highly doubt your wife can truly feel that cuz she is not even honest with herself. Which means there is always a part she is hidng when being intimate with you.
I do see some logic in her reasons. But I still vote for Divorce. It might be really embarassment and could be salvageable if it was only sexting or emotional affair. But indulging herself that much is a whole new level of selfishness and lying. So yes, please leave!
TinkerBob7926: Unless you’ve somehow made her feel inadequate for wanting anything slightly kinky, what she said is pure and utter bullshit.
It’s so typical as well. She’s trying to victimize herself by presenting a situation in which she, the pour soul, was too embarrassed to ask you to tie her up. Do you have any idea how normalized bondage has become? There is no shame in that and she knows it.
She’s hoping that by saying she was embarrassed, you’ll become more focused on trying to make her feel comfortable and satisfy her rather than file for divorce.
Truth is, she was thrill seeking. You’re the comfortable ‘vanilla’ sex and he’s the mysterious stranger who would do dirty things to her. No excuse. She’s a cheater at heart and in mind and I am so so sorry you had the misfortune of marrying her. But I am happy you found out and can now do what is best for you.
incognitoguy: I could take some guesses, but I would say a professional should best answer these. You two should see a counselor. Both together, and solo so you can ask questions like this. Best of luck.
cassaregh: Dude. Leave her. She doesn’t deserve you. A cunt will always be a cunt. Cheer up man. I feel what you’re feeling right now. You are not alone.
payablemomentum: I don’t think this will help OP, but it may help someone else.
I was getting damned hungry for something more (not someone else per-se, just more). We’d been together 25 years and neither of us had gone past some very light petting before we met. I brought up that I’d like to play with other couples, and she shot it down right away with a ‘that is never going to happen’.
We talked about it over the following months… mostly things like – where this was coming from, what things had stagnated between us, things she wanted to explore. We even opened up more about things from each others past that we hadn’t revealed before. Eventually she was ok with going to swingers parties – we can play next to other couples – but we’re no-swap.
The thing is – had she not been giving enough to go past the ‘that will never happen’ statement, we never would have had the deeper conversations that brought us closer together again. We had drifted into neglecting our relationship without realizing it – and only when we realized what had happened did we start working on it again.
The thing is, I have a friend who ended up divorcing because of cheating. He’s kind of finicky – so I can see him on going the other way if his ex had brought up the same request. If I had gotten shut down without any follow-up conversations, I would be hurting – maybe not enough to cheat – but…
Only_100kcal: Sometimes (I experienced this with my ex-wife) when caught cheating they just talk a lot of shit. Seriously. Anything to make it sound like it wasn’t their fault or to make it sound like something was missing. I wouldn’t listen to it, its just manipulation. As shitty as it is and as hard it is to accept, there really is no coming back from this. The rest of your marriage would be miserable. It gets easier over time and you will get over it. If kids are involved seek legal advice asap.
ruthlessreuben: I once read that kinks and fetishes are harder to share with spouses because of the fear one has of being rejected by the one they love. Basically, they have more to lose by opening up with a spouse than with a stranger.
With that being said, I’m not a fan of lying regardless of the reason and certainly not with cheating. Its a violation of the established rules of your relationship.
Best of luck in this tough time.
LOG1C4L: Op…nothing she said holds validity. My ex wife cheated with a coworker and I know first hand how this situation plays out. It has one outcome and it involves a judge signing your divorce. Sever your ties, change your bank account and move on. She’ll say all sorts or things to make you feel bad and it doesn’t matter what you do she’ll keep talking to him. She’ll try to play both sides of the fence to get what she wants. GET OUT NOW…
TimmyD80: Some people would rather hide what they want to try sexually with someone they love so that he doesn’t judge her or think she is a perv or a slut, they’d prefer to do the wild thing they really want to do with a fling who would not judge them because the fling guy doesn’t care about them emotionally. It doesn’t make sense to rational thinking people. She had sex with a guy and wanted to try new things out with him that she didn’t want to try with you for whatever reason she’s made up in her head. It’s like if you want to try something kinky and instead of doing it with your wife you found a willing participant and had your kinky fun with her, so your wife won’t think you’re a deviant for liking the kinky activity. But then you’d be a cheating ass cheater.
Hope you can move on from her, you deserve better treatment and a real commitment.
Bball9410: Had this happen to me and I was depressed and upset and did crazy shit to her her back but once a girl sleeps with guys behind your back she’s not interested in you anymore.
She lost interest a long time ago and didn’t want to hurt you so she did it behind your back and got caught and now she’s making excuses and trying to justify what she’s doing.
My advice. Tell her you slept with a couple of girls and have been doing threesomes and BDSM 50 shades of grey role play with other women. Watch how mad she gets and cut her off for awhile. She will get insanely jealous and mad.
oopssorrydaddy: Just grasping at straws. Sucks dude.
rtahkwa: > she loves we what have together.
I’m going out on a limb here and say you make good money and are a generally good provider to her?
Captain-Tac: To the second part. That is utter garbage. My wife and i have been having sex for just going on a decade. There litterally nothing she can’t get from me sexually. We can be gentle and loving (not her favorite), rough and passionate (her favorite), or like last night i allowed her to tie me up and let her dom out (she went off like a fire cracker). A man can be whatever his partner needs if he is willing and they have the decency to be honest and open.
She failed as your wife. You didn’t fail as her husband.
ItsJenAgain17: Okay. While what she did was wrong, I do understand exactly what she meant.
She was embarrassed because when you’re nervous about exposing something about yourself, it’s easier to tell a stranger. It would’ve killed her to see judgement in your eyes or to get a negative response because YOUR OPINION MATTERS THE MOST. I have a friend who is gay. Before he came out, he was so scared to tell his family for fear of rejection. So he would call a restaurant or grocery store or whatever and tell whoever picked up the phone that he was gay. He needed an outlet, and he hadn’t figured out how to approach his family, so he told strangers. It’s not necessarily right, especially in this situation, but she was scared of your reaction. And incidentally, this doesn’t mean that you’ve done something to deserve that fear, it’s just harder to tell the people you love.
It’s just sex. This can absolutely be true. I happen to be in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend, who is my best friend. With him, there is a connection, we can make love, there’s affection and sweetness (sometimes ). But if I choose another partner for an evening, it’s just sex. I don’t care about him or his life, don’t care what his hopes and dreams are, I don’t want to talk, I literally want him to fuck me and leave. I am only interested in how he can make me feel good. I have no emotional attachment to him. It is possible.
Again, what she did was wrong. And I’m so sorry for your pain. But I hope I was able to give you some insight to what she may have been feeling. Good luck!
SentimentalSinz: Ugh… these comments are why I’m so hesitant to tell my husband I’m into this… if I were you, I wouldn’t leave her. Let her be honest with you and do her thing… see how it effects your life and marriage, if you still don’t like it, then leave after giving it a shot. I’m into BDSM, always have been. My husband tries to play along but I can tell he’s not comfortable which ruins it. It has nothing to do with wanting to “be” with someone else, I wouldn’t even be jealous or hurt if I were you. I held out in my marriage for a very long time only because I knew my husband wouldn’t understand and would consider it “cheating” so I just resigned myself to living with that void to not hurt him. When he cheated on me first, it hurt at first but then it was awesome because I was finally closer to him understanding.
…as for the logic behind this, some women enjoy being dominated in bed. A lot of husbands can’t do this because they’re afraid of hurting their wife. A dominant isn’t. It’s just a physical thing like a massage.
DingDomme: Everyone is saying “dump” but cheating usually doesnt just happen in a vacuum. Her reasons may be legitimate, they may be excuses, but they could also be hiding something else. Im not defending anyone or defending infidelity. This is just an attempt at an objective perspective.
It is possible to be embarassed to admit things to the people closest to you. Vulnerability is difficult and scary in of itself. The possibility of criticism or rejection is 10x worse when its someone close. The stakes are higher, in essence.
Lapras_Lass: I’m sorry this happened to you. Some people are just not inclined to be monogamous. Without knowing you, though, it’s hard to say why she feels this way.
It could be that she needs more physical excitement than you can provide. It could be that you’re sexually incompatible. It could be that she really is bored with your sex life, and thinks you’re too sexually repressed to be open to new ideas.
All of that is really beside the point. I think that by posting here, you’re looking for validation. Maybe you feel like there is something wrong with you, and you want us to reassure you that it’s not your fault. I can tell you: it’s not your fault. It’s not really her fault. Her crime is not desiring sex with someone else, it’s that she tried to have her cake and eat it, too.
If you two are sexually incompatible, that’s nobody’s fault. Even if you are the most vanilla person who ever lived, that’s not a bad thing. It sounds like she just doesn’t think she can discuss this with you, and that’s less a sex thing and more a personality thing. Again, not knowing you personally, I can’t comment one way or another. But it does sound like she’s not that sexually excited by you, and turned to cheating instead of doing the mature thing and talking it out with you.