A friend kept trying to grope me and I don’t know what to do or how to feel
This past weekend, my friends and I got drunk at a beer festival. We ended up at Guy 1’s place, where everyone wanted to nap. I went ahead and laid face down on the futon in the living room. Guy 1 and his girlfriend went into his room, leaving me alone with Guy 2. Guy 2 decided to lay next to me and stuck his hand up my shirt, through my bra, and grabbed my boob.
I think I’m a pretty slutty person (which, if you look at my history, you can tell). I dress provocatively and love teasing. But I do have some morals, one of which being that I don’t mess with guys who have girlfriends.
When I first realized that he was grabbing my boob, I was a little turned on because it felt so naughty. But drunk me still knew that he had a girlfriend. So I got up to get away from his hands. He tried to get me to lay back down with him, but I went into Guy 1’s room where he and his girlfriend were just hanging out.
I hid in the room with Guy 1’s girlfriend and told her that I was really just trying to get away from Guy 2 because he tried to grab my boob. Then Guy 2 came in to bring us some powerade that the guys made. So I left the room, thinking that we were all going to hang out in the living room.
Long story short, every time I tried to get up and move away from Guy 2, he always followed me and stuck his hand up my shirt. I don’t understand why I didn’t just outright say No or Stop. After being chased around and having his hand up my shirt multiple times, I finally thought to shove his hand away. Then he stopped and tried to tickle me instead. He kept telling everyone that we were all drunk so we couldn’t be held accountable for our actions.
Later, I told Guy 1 through a text what kept happening. I’m so upset with myself because why didn’t I think to say Stop or No?? And Guy 1 thinks that Guy 2 is just handsy when he’s drunk, so he’s not trying to sexually assault me personally on purpose.
This guy and his girlfriend are two of our good friends. I want to tell his girlfriend, but they’ve dated for so many years, and I know how these situations normally turn out for the girl in my shoes.
I blame myself but I also blame him. And I feel violated. I don’t know what to do nor how to fully process what happened. I feel like no one will hear me out because of my history. I’m hoping that if I talk to someone about it, maybe I can fully understand and deal with it.
neutrino71: I’m not usually one to advocate for violence, but if someone is being “handsy” and not taking the verbal cues of, “No” or “Fuck off” give him one warning and then slap him in the nuts. The first slap should be a gentle tap to remind him that he has a weak spot and hopefully reduce his ardour. The slaps should increase in intensity until the groper withdraws.
kismetandkarma: Your history means nothing.
You are not to blame.
You avoided him and pushed his hand away.
You are not to blame.
Being comfortable and open in your sexuality does not give anyone the green light to grope you.
Your feelings are justified, and you are not to blame.
Emack76: You have been violated and **it’s not your fault.** Your actions clearly said no even if your words did not. If Guy1 can’t see that, you might want to avoid situations where you are intoxicated around them. It’s always good to have other people who look out for you, it doesn’t seem like anyone else was doing that. Dangerous situation. Guy2 is using alcohol as an excuse to be a douche. It is not an excuse.
leftcoastandcoffee: > He’s not trying to sexually assault me personally on purpose.
Your feeling that you have been violated is completely valid, because you *have* been violated. Guy 2’s actions are completely on him; he sexually assaulted you and he is responsible for his actions, even when drunk. This is not on you at all. It’s too bad many men haven’t gotten the memo that no means no.
justahoustonpervert: no means no.
being drunk is no excuse, especially if he had a girlfriend and kept pursing you the way he did.
echocardio: Feel however you are feeling; it doesn’t matter how someone else would feel or how you think you should feel, you don’t get a choice in the matter anyway. The thing will process itself so relax a bit.
This guy is a prick. You know that; you didn’t invite him to touch you and he did – which could be misread signals if you say you like teasing but getting up and leaving is an unambiguous response. Unless you’re laughing or something he is going to be well aware that you are not inviting or welcoming this and his brain is going to be working overtime on justifications why his immediate need to grope you is more important than your obvious desire for him to stop. Being drunk would make him less inhibited but drink enables, it doesn’t cause. It would be a good thing for you to bring it up with him as many of these men genuinely do not have insight into their actions (recently saw a news article about a woman who takes selfies with men who verbally harrass her in the street; they’re all smiling and have no idea they have done something wrong) but you’re not required to deal with other people’s problems.
Not saying ‘no’ is pretty standard for a person’s first time; you’re trying to justify things to yourself just like he was, and the appearance of ‘no it’s just messing around/banter/a laugh’ is a manipulative tactic that uses peer pressure and puts the other party in a negative light if they don’t play along with the desires of the proposer. Kids who bully learn it at school; ‘It’s just banter, why are you getting mad, what is wrong with you?’ is a way of saying ‘I’ll do what I like and if you don’t like it you must be wrong in some way’. It’s quite effective most of the time.
For adults who are able to reflect on a situation – like you have here – it doesn’t work twice. He tries it again and you’ll give him a firm no, and he’ll either say ‘Come on why you being such a prude? I’m just drunk,’ and you’ll tell him to fuck off, or he’ll grope again and hopefully you’ll slap the dick out of his head.
> he’s not trying to sexually assault me personally on purpose.
Oh well that’s obviously fine then. It’s the impersonal and accidental sexual assaults that we should give a cute wry shrug and a chuckle to.
funikel: Being drunk is a shitty excuse, especially if everyone knows he gets handsy. He’s an asshole and you really shouldn’t feel bad about anything you did. You are not required to express your discomfort in all possible ways for someone to take you seriously. You pushing him away many times is a sign enough.
temporary799426: >And Guy 1 thinks that Guy 2 is just handsy when he’s drunk
Just wanted to drop in and day that the drinking part doesn’t make something more ok, or makes it less.
You – “He grows me when I didn’t want him to.”
Him – “Yeah, but he was drunk!”
You – “That car just hit two pedestrians.”
Him – “Yeah, but he was drunk!”
sangetencre: If he’s sober enough to tell people he’s not responsible for his actions because he’s drunk (thus realizing he’s drunk), he’s sober enough to be in control of his damn actions. He’s making excuses. Fuck that guy.
For me, if someone is getting handsy, I tell them to stop. If they don’t, that’s when I tell them they’re going to have at least one broken finger if they fucking touch me again. They want to assault me, they should expect me to defend myself.
howaboutnope89: Can’t be held accountable because he was drunk????? Wow, he sounds like a real creeper.
I’m a strong advocate for this line from Goodfellas: “keep your fuckin hands off of me or I’ll cut em off!”