Ladies who know what your partner likes/wants but doesn’t do it… why not?
I bought my girlfriend of 5+ years a sexy piece of clothing to wear. She put it on when I gave it to her. It was insanely sexy. Insta-boner sexy. Maybe the sexiest thing I’ve seen her wear. And I was vocal about how much I liked it and how amazing she looked in it. She wore it one other time because I specifically asked her… And that was it. She never wore it again.
Another long term relationship. We get kind of experimental. She does some prostate massage stuff to me. Mind blowing orgasm. I know it. She knows it. I verbalize it. “that was fucking amazing we should do that more often”. But no. She’s never initialized it again. If I ASK, she seems happy to do it, but she’ll never volunteer to do it. It just feels sad to ask for it. It’s like asking someone to give you a birthday present. The end result is the same but it’s decidedly NOT the same. You know?
I haven’t been in enough relationships to know if this is standard. It’s certainly not standard from me. If I find something my SO likes I make sure to add it into the rotation. Whether it’s something she likes me to wear, or something she likes me to say, or a position that hits her just right… If she tells me she likes something you can be darn sure she’ll see it again.
What’s the deal?
PrincessOfWands6: She may not enjoy doing it but will do it if you ask in order to please you
incognitoguy: I’ve told my wife I would love to see her in lingerie. I even bought her some. She explained she won’t wear it because she is self conscious about her body and not happy with the way she looks. She feels lingerie puts the focus on her body. So, while I’m disappointed about the lack of lingerie, I do understand her point.
SiggySwift: This might be less about gender and more about libido. I (26F) feel this way about my boyfriend (28M), and my libido is much higher than his. The thing is, it’s because he’s super content – we have sex often and it’s always great. He’ll try new things when I request them, and he’s always down for sexy surprises if I make the first move. But it doesn’t really occur to him to do the “special” stuff unless I express a desire for it.
Maybe your gal is just thinking how happy she is with the sex as is.
As for your concern with asking for it feeling sad – I TOTALLY get that. But my friend once brilliantly compared it to a cat asking for pets: you love your cat, you want to pet your cat, you just didn’t know your cat needed pets in that moment. Your pets aren’t fake just because they’ve been requested – and her pleasure in doing what you like isn’t either.
KEVIN_WALCH: OP for the last time, the Waluigi costume was NOT sexy.
sai_gunslinger: My ex was into role playing and we tried it a few times. But he didn’t have ideas for roles or give me any guidance as to how he wanted me to act, so it was incredibly difficult to get into. It made me nervous that I wasn’t doing it right, and I had a hard time getting aroused from it, so when we got to the sex part it was uncomfortable and I was dry. I only did it a few times and wouldn’t do it again because I couldn’t get into it. I know it’s what he was into and I’d have been happy to try other things or specific roles and tried to get him to vocalize some ideas, but he said he didn’t have other ideas.
Alystial: I got lingerie for Christmas this past year. And not like a cute nighty.. but like a bodysuit, lace up, stockings, the whole nine yards. Think pin-up girl, it’s definitely sexy. And…i haven’t worn it yet…
It’s not that I don’t want to… it’s hard to explain. But here’s what i’m struggling with:
We have never used lingerie… it’s just never been apart of how we do things, and this particular lingerie makes me just feel… silly?
It also raises the bar really high for me. Im not the initiator usually (although I do have the higher libido). When I do initiate, it’s more of a passive attempt. Im typically pretty submissive, and find being the “take charge” partner to be really uncomfortable.
So the lingerie is a huge hurdle for me to jump over. I know he really wants to see it and I will eventually swallow my hangups and put the damn thing on, but i’m having a hard time because it’s not just doing something to please him, it’s outside of my comfort zone.
I actually feel really silly typing this out but everytime I think, ok, tonight I’ll put it on, I get wigged out and chicken out.
whatthefahck: This was my response from another thread that is pretty relevant here too…
As a 29 year old female, I can share the other side of this. For me, it is just so damn sexy giving my man exactly what he asks for WHEN he asks for it. If he asked me to do a strip tease for him later tonight, I probably wouldn’t tbh. However, if he asked me while we were already messing around sexually, turned on, and in the moment, I totally would. Planning to be slutty makes it awkward for me. I get myself all psyched out that I’m not planning/doing what he expected me to do and that when the time comes he’ll just be like “uhhh what are you doing?”. In the moment, he says and I react. I’m 100% down for whatever and he knows that, we just have to roll with it in the moment.
Thinking about it, I did surprise him once with some dirty lingerie and it was really hard to not back out and go change before he got home. The fear of rejection is real for some women, even if she know you’ll like it and you have a relationship with great communication. My fiance loved the surprise, but could tell I felt awkward. Since then, he’s sent me messages stating “on my way home. Surprise me with something” which is in the moment and I oblige and he still gets the turn on of a sexy surprise.
TheManWhoWasNotShort: The first issue with the lingerie may be self-confidence. A lot of women don’t feel confident looking sexy and might not try to do it much as a result.
The second one I understand completely. Even as a bi male ass play is a lot if I am not in the mood. That is probably something she assumes you will tell her when you want
giantgladiator: I like to carry my girlfriend but it hurts.
She loves when I go down on her, (I do to) but I love even more when she asks me to do it, so I only do it when she asks (I told her so)
Older_But_Wiser: I wonder how long it will take to see a post with the title:
*Men who know that their partner doesn’t like or want to something but still expect them to do it… why?*
swaffel_me_zachtjes: > I haven’t been in enough relationships to know if this is standard. It’s certainly not standard from me. If I find something my SO likes I make sure to add it into the rotation. Whether it’s something she likes me to wear, or something she likes me to say, or a position that hits her just right… If she tells me she likes something you can be darn sure she’ll see it again.
Even if you very much dislike it? Like let’s hypothetically say that they wanted to poo in your mouth and watch you eat it?
I personally can’t get behind this idea of “as long as there’s an ‘SO’-label attached you should compromise yourself” at all because it’s basically the same principle as that marital rape was once legal. As long as that fancy label is attached there seems to be a social idea that people should perform sexual acts they aren’t into and I take a pretty strong stance that no one under any circumstance should. (I’m also really opposed to parents who make their children kiss and hug people).
The idea of that marital rape is okay hasn’t died out completely yet; there’s a social idea that as soon as this “partner” label is attached that people have an obligation to perform sex acts they don’t like or within reason have a duty to perform sex acts at all.
coco3269: Lingerie is fun if you wear it out for an evening and tease your partner throughout the night, but it’s not much fun to put it on and quickly remove it for sex. Why don’t you try taking her on a date while she’s wearing the sexy item you bought her and add some fun to it. You could ask her to send you a picture from the ladies room, you could touch it/ play with it over her clothing, talk about how excited you are to see it and how turned on it makes you to know you have to wait for it, etc.
As far as the prostate massage- anal is something you have to prepare for. She probably doesn’t know when exactly you want it and it may not be something she’s comfortable initiating on her own. IMO, this is something you should ask for if you want it. There’s no harm in asking her. I understand sometimes it sucks to have to ask for something because you want your partner to initiate on their own, but that’s the reality of it. In a long term relationship you need to feel comfortable asking for what you want in bed and discussing your sex life openly.
crutch024: I am in a long term relationship and have the same experience. I have discussed with her before…. I am interested in what others say.
Artdog2009: There was a post earlier on on here about ‘spoiling sessions’ – it might be something fun to try, where you can both be totally selfish with what you want for a set period of time. That way everyone goes home happy.
amethystmelange: Would you really do ANYTHING as long as your SO liked it? I mean, that’s a pretty broad term. 😉
Anyway, to answer your question – there are a lot of possible reasons. They may be unhappy with the relationship in general so they don’t feel like putting in any additional effort in the sex department. They might just not like the act or it might be a limit to them. They might have a lower libido and just hadn’t thought about doing it. They might just feel shy about initiating the act. So on and so forth.
In the future, to know a particular woman’s reason, ask her.
Nixie_D: I’m pretty open minded and game to try most things, that said I do still have my boundaries. Sometimes partners have asked me for things that actively turn me off (pegging – tried it, hated it) or terrified me (nailing my labia/breasts to a block of wood – ).
Compared to that I’m happy to do something that might make me feel silly/awkward as long as it doesn’t cross my boundaries.
coco3269: I see where you’re coming from, but I think anal is different than trying a new position or saying something to her in bed. To me it seems like your girlfriend may just be trying to be respectful and make sure she has your consent before putting anything inside of you. If you’re tired of asking her all the time, y’all should have a conversation about it. Tell her you’d like to do anal more and sometimes you’d like it if she’s the one to initiate. I do think a lot of women are very concerned about consent (rightfully so- everybody should be) and this may be what’s stopping her. You may have already had this conversation (I wasn’t sure from your post) but if not it may be beneficial!
Another potential issue is that she may be afraid of initiating and being rejected. Y’all can get through this by talking about it more and becoming more comfortable communicating!
It seemed like a lot of men were replying to you with similar issues, so I just wanted to provide a woman’s perspective! Good luck!
nhokdev: I’m not sure if this answer going to be relevant. In my case, I have a good sex life, fulfilled emotionally and physically. I have a big lingerie/costume collection, but I don’t wear it all the time. It’s like trump card, I save it for special occasion so my partners will feel it as a treat. Same thing with prostate massage, normalizing certain things make it more difficult to make sex more spontaneous.
wykdtr0n: *Initiate* isn’t a strong suit for many people with regards to sex.
You can help change this with frank discussion, praise, and encouraging playfulness and exploration.
Ultimately, you may have to lead or be domineering to get what you want. Some partners want this because it takes the burden of performance off of them. They’ll gladly do anything you ask within reason, but they simply don’t feel comfortable initiating it themselves.
hylian01: This is oddly specific and sounds like you are just salty and want to rant. How about you go talk to your significant other instead of strangers on the internet?
temur007: Really want to see what people say about it. I absolutely i understand you. My Mises is just same !!
Mike707707: V common.
eb110043: Okay so my partner is into the idea of strip teasing but even though by now I should be comfortable with the idea as it seems simple enough I’ve never done it and the thought of doing it and messing up makes me so nervous. I do a lot of other things I know he likes but this one seems to stump me for some reason and it’s probably just because of insecurity on my part.
Lochbessmonster: So my partner loves when we do prostate massages but often is nervous with me around his butt. I know he enjoys them but since he’s shy about me eating/playing with his ass I only really get to massage him when he’s had some alcohol in him and relaxes a bit.
I think about it sort of like this: I have, unfortunately, been with a guy who, once finding out I enjoyed anal, would /constantly/ try to have anal with me when I was just trying to have piv. It was a major red flag and was 95% of why the relationship ended. In my mind, I don’t want to grab my current SO and penetrate him because I know for me I defs have days where I specifically want my ass played with and days that I dont and dont want him for a second to feel as frustrated and violated as I did.
SJoyD: I have similar experience. My husband will do something I find amazing, and I’ll be SUPER vocal about it, and how I want to do it again, and then… nothing. I ‘put in an order’ for him to go down on me. It took a month and a reminder for him to do it.
Dunno what to tell you, but we’re in the same boat.
Sabuleon: Because making your partner happy *at the expense of your own happiness* is a recipe for disaster.
When your partner doesn’t want to do something JUST for you (meaning they don’t want to self-sacrifice), probably because they realllllly don’t like doing that thing, it means they are taking care of themselves, as they should. They won’t make themselves *un*happy to make you happy. And that’s healthy, but you have to understand that from their perspective, they just don’t want to self-sacrifice the way you’re asking them to.
It’s possible that you as a person make **yourself** happy by making others happy. So by making others happy, you are taking care of yourself–that’s a valid way to do it. That’s not the case for everyone though. Might not be the case for every activity or in every sphere of life either.
You might just need to keep looking for a partner who works the same way you do in the ways that matter to both of you (the bedroom, for example).
neversiempre: It does not appeal to them.
cookiesdino35: Honestly, I’m like this. If my partner likes and wants something, I will do it den if it makes me uncomfortable. It pleases me to please others, just like it probably pleases her to please you.
WWbowieD: My boyfriend is the same way. I have to ask EVERY time I want him to use his hands also while going down on me.
PinaColada2791: Have you tried bringing it up to her? That you would like her to initiate prostate play more often because asking for it makes you feel bad.
I wouldn’t initiate due to the fact that it’s not an every time thing. It’s enjoyable to give pleasure but I know that it’s not an all the time occurrence in foreplay. She may not realize you want her to ask or initiate it. As someone who enjoys giving it and doesn’t usually do the initiating, I think this could be fixed with a little communication.
bagelmanb: Did you ever try to communicate about this with either of them? Like “You look amazing in this. Does it make you uncomfortable to wear it? I’d love to see you wear it more” or asking prostate girl how she felt about the prostate thing after you told her how you felt about it?
unicorns-: Maybe she doesn’t like doing it. I’m not going to initiate something I don’t like doing.
janice547: Because it just isn’t something I want to do, or I’m not comfortable with it.
A lot of the time what guys want is some weird fake situation from porn, and I’m just not feeling that.
CastielGalafran: The only time I don’t do something my partner wants during sex is if I’m not ready for it yet, it’s painful, or triggering. I can only think of a couple things that fit that list.
fineneedlenb: One word. Selfish.
OnTelevision: Simple. I’m terrified to try.
pvzman: I think it really depends, I’m married and my husband loves to cum inside me and on my breast stuff like that but I really cannot handle semen at all. I can’t handle smelling it, the taste, I can’t have it on or near me. It makes me vomit. So as much as my husband loves it I cannot physically handle it. So we have talked about it and I was very open with him. Sometimes I will try to just let him cum inside me on special occasions and immediately after I have to run to the bathroom to throw up and shower. He understands and he’s grateful for when I’m ok with it. You have to talk to your partner tho and be open with them about it. I know you vocalized that it turned you on but maybe they don’t know how to initiate it. They could have been with a partner before who was different so it’s all about communication.
ameliabedelia7: She might just not like to. There’s no “girl” reason, there’s no “boy” reason. There’s just “she doesn’t want to.”
Tilestesselated: Why are you asking “ladies” to explain the behavior of a couple of women?
tonguexp: I am struggling with the same macro question.
If my wife values me….then she should doing things I am interested in….to keep my interest.
By not taking interest and not making my intrests one of her priorities, I know what she thinks of my value to her.
For example, I said it was important to me that she do one thing nice for me and make the bed. I cook and clean and do other household stuff, but this is something she could do. She picked the bed cover and decorated pillows, makes sense for her to do it. After my request, a reminder a few weeks later and a specific request to make it a priority, I still crawl in bed to crumpled sheets, unless I had changed them.
She would rather do something else that she hates like, working out 3 times a week, wash dishes weekly or grocery shop every month than do something that is a important request from me.
I know where my value stands in her priorities.
Put your request in terms of how much your SO prioritizes your value over the issue/item/action she is avoiding. Is it worth it to her to conquer her issue or just say you are not worth it.
Serenitynow975: Ya ive come across this phenomenon. Bizarre shit. Keep looking. dont waste time. Lifes too short to be unhappy.
randymorin: Difference between guys and girls. Guys love to please. Girls feel embarrassed. It’s societal pressures. I don’t think it’s fair, but if you truly love someone, then you gotta respect their upbringing and comfort.