Alicia Vikander 1988
◆ The Crown Jewels, Kronjuvelerna (2011)
A Royal Affair(2012)
Son of a Gun (2014)
Ex Machina (2015)★Best
The Danish Girl (2015)
|The Crown Jewels|
I wish I [20F] never started having sex/I wish I was more assertive about my own wants and safety.
This is going to be more of an “offmychest” kind of thing.
I’m a 20 year old girl and I’ve always been rather shy and distant with the boys. It seemed like everybody my age was partying and dating and having casual sex. I felt like something was wrong with me, that I was an adult and I haven’t even been kissed yet. Whenever I told people that I’ve never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, etc, they always looked at me funny. One dude I told even asked if I was “one of those secretly crazy girls” and if that was the reason I’ve never dated.
It hurt, you know? I felt like I was missing out. Honestly, I wanted one of those adorable, loving relationships more than anything, but it seemed as if all the guys my age weren’t interested in that–they only wanted sex. My self-esteem being as low as it was (and still is), I slept with 2 guys I met from Tinder. I really caught feelings for one of them, but on our last encounter I had a “pregnancy scare” after the condom fell off inside me, and I had to take the morning after pill. That same day, something made me say “fuck it” and I told the guy that I wanted a serious relationship, not just sex. He responded that he couldn’t do that. So we ended it. I felt used and stupid and naive for even thinking I could have been with him. It really devastated me and my self esteem.
I should have stopped and evaluated my choices then and there. But instead, I trawled Tinder again. Not one week later, I met up with this really cute guy. He was so nice and seemed interested in me. We hit it off and although we had sex on our first date (I didn’t really feel like it, but I was a pushover and we did it), he seemed to also want more than just sex. It was heartening, especially after the previous dude, and we also used proper protection. Only once or twice did he enter me without the condom, but maybe only for a few seconds before pulling out. I didn’t feel used with him. He told me he loved me. It was like I had always wanted. However, I didn’t exactly feel a “spark” and after a month of long distance, we kind of just fizzled out by the summer. That left me quite melancholy for a while.
For most of this summer, I didn’t meet up with any other guy. I just didn’t feel ready. But deep down, I still craved the validation and attention that came with dating. I liked hearing my ex-boyfriend call me pretty, I liked cuddling with him and kissing him. I liked hearing him say “I love you” and looking at me like I was the only person on earth. I missed it, you know? It was like a drug for someone with low self-esteem like me. I wanted to feel loved and wanted so, so badly.
Three weeks ago, I met up with this guy from online. He seemed awesome at first, attractive, intelligent, well-traveled, well-read, easygoing, etc. We had sex on the first date. If I was one of those confident, assertive women, I would have told him that I wanted a relationship before having sex. I’m not stupid, I know that putting out on the first date gives guys the impression that you’re “easy”. However, he was kissing me and touching me and I just let him do it. It was pleasurable but not insanely so, you know?
On the second date, we were having sex with a condom on at first. Then, he goes to the bathroom and removes his condom. He entered me again without telling me that he took off his condom, and afterwards I asked him if he had been tested for STDs, or if he has any. I don’t exactly recall what he said, but he just assured me that he didn’t have any STDs. In the weeks following, we met up several more times and I realized that sex was probably the only thing he was looking for. Yet I let him have unprotected sex with me, because I wanted him to think I was “cool” and I wanted him to spend time with me. I somehow thought that by sleeping with him, I could magically make him want me as his girlfriend. Pretty sad, right?
He has visited many countries and seems to be a player, and this scares me because the rates of STDs in developing nations are higher. If he can so casually have unprotected sex with me, I’m sure he has had many such encounters with other women. I’m such a fucking idiot for letting him have unprotected sex with me. He probably thinks he hit the jackpot, that this naive 20 year old girl says yes to his every whim without a second thought. Yet I still reply to his texts and make plans with him although I know that I’m only just an option to him. Not only this, but he has lied to me (straight to my face) about his age, saying that he is much younger than he actually is. I haven’t even confronted him about it, because deep down I still like him and I want his attention and his validation. I want to feel wanted by someone and I like hearing him say that I’m beautiful.
I’m going to get tested for STDs soon. It’s long overdue. I really hope I get all negative results, or maybe just negative on the scary permanent ones like herpes and HIV. If I don’t, then it’s my own damn fault. I should not have been so stupid. I should not have let my low self-esteem and need for validation override my own health. And honestly, I don’t think the past 8 months have been beneficial to me in anyway, in fact, they may have been potentially harmful. I really wish I never had sex with any of the guys, except for maybe my ex-boyfriend. I should not have started dating until I felt like I was emotionally ready to, and I certainly should not have been a pushover and should have set clearer boundaries for what I expected from the relationship.
The worst part is, I don’t even LIKE the actual act of sex. It feels just nice at best and painful at worst. I feel like I’ve just been doing it for the sake of doing it. And that is not a good mentality to have.
Thanks for reading my rant. I hope girls my age who are wondering whether they should have sex read my post and understand that you should only be having sex if you are emotionally ready, and if you have it on your terms while putting your health as a priority. What’s done is done, though, and if I have an STD, so be it, I really honestly deserve it.
FriendlyDesiGuy: I hope you’re feeling a little better after that confession.
Yes, you’ve acted stupid, but I hope you’ve learned your lessons for life. This confession and your decision of being responsible is the coolest thing that you’ve done.
Hang in there. I genuinely hope you get tested soon, and that all your tests results are negative.
If you feel like sharing more, or would just like to have a conversation, feel free to message.
KingScooby666: As a guy going into i always want to wear a condom but sometimes things happened in unexpected places and I’ve had girls tell me to do it anyways and so I have, i made sure to never finish in them(still wasn’t safe). Everyone has done something in the heat if he moment and felt terrible about it after. It’s hard. Make sure to always have protection on you, I know it shouldn’t be your responsibility but it can be convenient