ALLY GAME – BRING YOUR A-GAME
Sex is a complicated thing.
It can be something we engage in when we’ve found someone we truly care about or when we’re lonely.
It’s a way to fill a void or forget about some other sort of stress.
Sometimes it has great feelings attached to it, other times it makes matters more confusing or negative.
As we grow older, sex changes from something that we talk about among friends like it is some sort of taboo topic – in the confines of our rooms or looking over our shoulders in school to make sure we aren’t heard.
When we get to college, it starts becoming more natural, and by the time we’re in our 20s, we talk about it as easily as we talk about the weather or what we had for dinner last night.
Personally, I enjoy talking about sex. I’ve always had a pretty healthy view of it. I watched “Sex and the City” and “The Sopranos” probably far too early on in life and didn’t really see sex as something secretive.
It’s something that almost all of us engage in at some point, so why is there some sort of top-secret seal over it? Silly, if you ask me.
Sex is a common topic among my friends – and though we don’t get too explicit (there has to be some mystery about my life, you know?), we do discuss it pretty openly and I’m okay with that.
What’s really normalized it is group chats. Just the other day, my friends and I were talking about what’s going on in our love lives.
One guy said he had already slept with his new bae, while a girl said she decided she wasn’t going to sleep with this guy she was interested in on the first date.
Both reactions are totally normal. We live in a culture where sleeping with someone even before the relationship starts isn’t unusual.
We sleep around because we don’t want a relationship and so we don’t catch the feels. But we also have no problem with sleeping with someone on the first date.
This can get confusing. We consider it right away – even if we would really rather wait.
We think about it, try to implement it and sometimes it backfires. Not every Millennial is interested in banging it out right away; sometimes we want to let the relationship develop before we take that next step.
Which is why I was really thrilled to have that conversation with two of my best friends.
I was always worried about that scenario when something new came up. When are we going to take it to the next step? Before we establish something? On the first date? After a few dates?
Couple holding hands
But as my girl friend pointed out, waiting allows us to see what direction a possible relationship is going in. We give ourselves the opportunity to see if we really connect with the person or if it’s just not going to work out.
Waiting until maybe the third or fifth date – or whenever we feel comfortable – allows us to see how it naturally progresses without jumping into bed.
It also gives us a chance to really get to know someone. We don’t have to worry about what it’s going to be like once we hit the end of the night.
It allows us to enjoy each other’s company before we explore each other’s company in a different way.
Couple cuddling in bed
Stocksy/Matt and Tish
At 26 and 27, most of my friends want to meet someone with substance – rather than have a physical relationship with someone they’re just not that into.
By allowing sex to take a back seat, they can try to connect in more meaningful ways before taking things up a notch.
At the end of the day, whether you want to have sex on the first date is entirely up to you.
Having sex lets you know right away whether you two are sexually compatible, and waiting can be really, really tough.
But it does give you the chance to really get to know the person before deciding to take it to the next level – and your relationship could be stronger for it.