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A woman [25F] that I [24M] am seeing walked out before sex when she found out I’m a virgin. I think she wants to rekindle things and I have mixed feelings.
About a month ago, I started dating (as in going on dates, not ‘dating’) this woman I sort of knew through friends. We’ve now gone on four really great dates. Almost instantly there was an amazing connection, just great conversations and inside jokes and deep talks all that good stuff. We went to on a museum date, coffee dates, I even managed to swing a short helicopter ride around the city from a friend with connections. I felt almost high when I was around her, so I can definitely say I fell for her hard, which I guess was my mistake.
Cut to the last date where we went out to a restaurant and then after went to a pretty classy bar. With a combination of a great connection, both of us flirting, and a few drinks between us, we eventually end up at my apartment, which all in all felt pretty natural. Pretty much as soon as we got in the door and put our stuff down we were making out on my couch heavily. I think it was obvious where this was going to lead, and I thought I was pretty close with her, so I stopped kissing, and said, as far as I remember,:
“Lets move into my room.”
She says, “Sure.”
And I say, “Before anything happens I should let you know I’ve never done this before.”
Maybe I should have been clearer, but she asked if I meant I haven’t had sex before and I said yes. Instantly the mood shifted and I could tell she had a problem with this new info and my stomach just dropped. Pretty soon after I saw her mood change, I said something along the lines of “I wanted to have my first time be with someone I trust and I feel like I can trust you.” She didn’t directly respond to this and instead said “I’m sorry, I’m gonna go.”
And so she left. I was pretty heartbroken and a bit angry, both at myself and a bit at her, which I get that I shouldn’t have been. This was almost a week ago.
I just wish I hadn’t said anything, maybe my virginity would have been easier to swallow after the fact, idk. It’s just that I was talking with a close friend of mine who was also a late bloomer and lost it to his current GF, and the way he described it, where she was slow and considerate and guiding and whatnot, seemed really great. I thought I’d like that to be my first time, or at least have the woman know it was my first time. Should I have informed her earlier? Later? Not at all?
Anyway yesterday I get a text from her apologizing about before. She said she wants to keep seeing me and asked to meet up again for a drink this weekend. I honestly thought I would never hear from her again so this was pretty surprising.
My problem is I’m having second thoughts about her now, just based on what happened. Even the thought of being around her, let alone in a sexual place, is nerve-wracking and giving me anxiety. Also, considering this also would be my first relationship, I will have a lot of “firsts”, not even just with sex. Do I really want to be with a women that isn’t inclined to help me or at least show me through all of this?
Sorry for the huge wall of text. I might just be overthinking this but any advice would be great.
TLDR: A woman I’m seeing turned me down for sex after learning I was a virgin and now might want to rekindle things. Now I’m having mixed feelings about her.
Mr_Spaz: Fuuuuck that noise. Just because you’re a virgin doesn’t mean you don’t get to have dignity too.
She splits for a week with no contact and then she thinks that she can just waltz right back in and you’ll be all over her? Fuck that. You have every right to be angry with her. You revealed a super vulnerable part of yourself to her and she ran away. She didn’t just stop the action to talk about it. That would’ve been fine. She fucking left your apartment and abandoned you the moment you revealed a vulnerability to her.
Some women have a real hard time dealing with any sort of male vulnerability or insecurity. The traditional male gender role is to be strong and invulnerable, but they never stop to think that *real humans* all have vulnerabilities and insecurities. They want a man who’s a character, not a real person.
If you want to keep seeing her, that’s your decision. But at the least she better demonstrate that she understands how the way she behaved was hurtful. There are plenty of women out there who actually understand male humanity. Your friend found one. Don’t settle for one who doesn’t.
Drop_: You had every right to feel upset with her when she walked out. That’s kind of fucked up, but just emblematic about why being a virgin is a liability for straight guys.
You informed her at the right time.
You did the right thing by telling her.
It would probably be worth talking to her though. At the very least to get closure and let her know she really hurt you. Don’t cry your eyes out or anything but let her know that was one of the most cold things anyone has ever done to you.
Maybe she has some reason, maybe she can make it up to you…. maybe she feels bad and realizes what she did was horrible. Maybe she was seeing other guys at the time, and felt horrible when you had such serious feelings for her(that’s my guess). Who knows…
Just whatever you do don’t blame yourself.
altaccountthree: There’s obviously opinions on both sides of the fence in this thread already and I want to vouch for giving her a second chance. At least to hear her out.
She could show up and completely apologize, be in tears and genuinely be sorry. Or she could show up and be flippant about it and offer to take your virginity and be meh about it.
Now in that second instance I would walk away, but in that first example, you have every right to be suspicious, upset and inquire why she behaved the way she did.
Remember that adult relationships are two-way, and being a forgiving partner is a highly admirable trait. She may have well realized she fucked up badly, and if she hasn’t then you need to level to her how you feel so there’s no mistake on her end why you feel how you describe right now. Tell her your confidence is shaken, that you have every right to not trust in her, let her know this is something she’s going to have to work for and earn again and not to be dismissed with an offer of sex on that same night.
A mature partner will react properly to this, and this is her shot to prove she can be mature when she’s made a really bad decision.
This is a big deal breaker, but I do think she deserves to have a second chance considering she has called and admitted she fucked up. It’s up to you to be the mature one and give her a chance to apologize. You don’t have to take it, but at least you did the right thing instead of the petty thing.
AsAlwaysItDepends: You know, all kinds of people have all kinds of feelings.
Talk to her and find out what happened with her that night and why she’s back now. If she can make you feel comfortable enough to get in bed with her, great. If she can’t , don’t.
For what it’s worth, there are a lot of reasons someone might not want to have sex with you once they learn your a virgin that have nothing to do with whether or not they’ll ‘be satisfied’ (she’s got fingers, she can get herself off).
missbrown: So, she reacted poorly, for sure. I can’t help you with whether to go out with her again, that really depends on how you feel. I agree with others that the first date should be casual. You should probably also talk to her about how you felt that night and see how she reacts. That should help you decide what you want. For future reference, especially if you don’t move forward with her, stuff like this needs to be raised outside of a sexual situation. It’s awkward, yes, but just like other important information (stds, third nipples, etc.), surprising people when they are aroused and thinking about sex is a bad idea. Give them a chance to consider what that means for them and to make a thoughtful decision. A thoughtful yes will lead to a much better first time for you.
brennanfee: > My problem is I’m having second thoughts about her now, just based on what happened.
Well, that seems pretty natural. If you think about it that’s exactly what she went through. But given that she contacted you back and said she wants to keep seeing you it seems she got over her second thoughts… you should too.
I would suggest the two of you talk first before jumping into anything physical. Just be up-front and honest including how you feel about her. Tell her there is no pressure (both on the sex and on the relationship front) but that you are willing to take things slow and learn (especially on the relationship stuff) and with luck the two of you will be compatible. Actually say those things. Listen to what she says in return… really listen.
After that nature will takes over and if things come together… great. If things fall apart… not as great but still good to learn and grow.
mr___: You surprised her. She has recalibrated. Obviously she is willing to go forward. Be confident, she’s OK with this after having thought about it
ScorpioLoverboy: Any virgins reading – this is why you don’t tell people these things. I was a super late bloomer and kept my mouth shut. Lost my virginity to a very experienced girl and that was that. Don’t give people a reason to rule you out or judge you. Because more often than not, they will. Same with women with high partner counts. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Anyway – it’s really up to you. Her reaction was inexcusable in my opinion, but it depends on how much you like her and how willing you are to look past that and give it another go.
It’s out in the open now, so you shouldn’t feel anxious anymore. Please don’t freak out about sex. It’s super overrated and it should be about having fun and being playful, not something anxiety producing. Chill out and let things take their natural course.
CrushedLaCroixCan: Why do you think she’s not inclined to help you? She texted you and apologized. Of COURSE she was going to be a little shocked that you were leading her to the bedroom and simultaneously announcing you’re a virgin. Give it a second go with her – see what she has to say. Good luck!
here_for_buttholes: I’d say go out with her again. You really dropped a bomb on her with that and it’s not unreasonable that she panicked and needed time to think over the situation. There can be a lot of baggage that comes with taking someone’s virginity, especially at your age.
The fact that she contacted you to apologize and extend an olive branch shows that she is willing to take the dive, so she probably really digs you. Just express to her your feelings as clearly as you can and move forward.
OldProf37: Go on another date, but make it a simple date (not at a bar, not drinking, something like a bike ride at a park, ball game, etc). You’ll have more information then as to her sincerity and then you can decide if a romantic date is in order next time.
Kerbologna: If I liked her, I’d give her another shot.
PrincessGoose: Yeah thats tough. If you like her though, give her another chance. I know some of my friends would be very uncomfortable with taking someones virginity. Maybe it’s because everyone says taking/giving virginity connects you to the other person.
Mayakitkat: She was a total asshole about this so the chances are she’ll be an ass about other things later.
edubkendo: I don’t think her reaction was unreasonable, or particularly cruel or anything. That’s a huge bomb to drop on someone after just a few dates, and, the situation is a bit different from your friend’s, who was in an exclusive relationship. She obviously wanted time to think about how she felt about that, and, it could be she still won’t be ready to sleep with you right away, even though she’s decided she wants to see you some more.
Honestly, if you really like her and see potential here, give her another shot. _IF_ things don’t work out with her in the future, and you find yourself in a similar situation again, I’d probably just not saying anything about being a virgin. But stop being mad at her, and stop beating yourself up about it too. I think you were really doing a lot of things right.
ezagreb: Overthinking. I might very well walk out if someone told me this and all I wanted was casual sex. Perhaps she is used to being with experienced dudes and is afraid she will spoil it for you – after some thought she may have changed her mind. Don’t let this bother you if you like her and are ready to lose that V-badge.
Redheadguys: Hearing you were a virgin was a surprise emotional gut punch to her. She never saw that communication coming and could not process it.
She has had a week to think about it now and would like to see you, at least sit down with her, be nice, and hear what she has to say, it will be worth it.