What (really) turns women on?
The answer to that question has been the subject of countless books and articles offering strategies and seduction techniques on how to bed a woman — and keep her coming back for more.
However, I am going to let you in on a little secret.
It’s this: There is no secret.
The truth is, it’s pretty simple. If you want a woman to crave sex with you, you just need become an amazing lover.
In fact, once you know how to satisfy a woman sexually, you’ll probably have more of a problem getting her to not want to sleep with you. Women love incredible sex just as much as men do. Yet many men don’t know how to really pleasure a woman sexually. And plain old boring sex — as opposed to mind-blowing sex — just isn’t very enticing to us.
Of course, you should respect the fact that some women may just not want to have sex with you — ever. But sexual dysfunction and psychological issues notwithstanding, if a woman is less than enthusiastic about having sex with you more than once, there is a good chance that your bedroom skills could use a little fine-tuning.
One reason why? Basic anatomy.
You might not realize it, but only about 25% of women achieve orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Yes, you read that right: only a quarter of women. And this stat doesn’t stem from just a study or two. It is based on research spanning more than 80 years and an extensive analysis of 33 studies, documented in Elisabeth Lloyd’s book, The Case of the Female Orgasm. And that 25% doesn’t fluctuate based on the length of intercourse or the size or shape of a man’s penis.
The numbers don’t lie: It is not a man’s stamina — or size — that makes him a great lover. So, guys, it’s time to stop worrying about the size of your package — and start focusing on the most important factor in great sex: the woman.
If you want to become the man that women are trying to get into bed, I’m going to tell you how. Many of the tips in this article come from my good friend, Seattle-based board-certified sex therapist Dr. Diana Wiley. It can take a little bit of time and patience, but the payoff will be so worth it. So let’s get started.
1. Pay Attention
First things first: Desire starts in the mind. There’s a reason women buy romance novels by the millions. We love the dream of a white knight who will sweep us off our feet in a whirlwind of romance. The thrill of getting a man’s complete and undivided attention is a huge turn-on for most women. So pay attention to us — in and out of the bedroom. Look us in the eyes and really listen when we share our thoughts, feelings, desires, or just tell you about our day.
2. Take Your Time
There’s no need for gimmicky aphrodisiacs. In fact, when touched, our bodies release their very own cuddle chemical: a hormone called oxytocin that fosters feelings of love, comfort, and relaxation. And that means that the more we’re touched, the more we want to be touched.
That doesn’t mean you should just jump into things, though. Remember: Women take longer than men do to warm up. Sex, for us, begins long before the clothes come off. We don’t want you to feel bad about rushing sex, so we might not admit that it wasn’t so great for us. Truth is, we’d rather be reading a good book. When a guy slows down and focuses on what’s happening, it doesn’t just make for better sex — it’s more intimate and creates a stronger bond. So caress, fondle, stroke, and embrace us to get that oxytocin flowing.
A Young Natalie Portman, topless at the beach
3. Be Tongue Tied
Remember those 25% of women who can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone? With odds like that, it’s quite possible that your partner isn’t one of them. The good news? Oral sex — when performed skillfully — can be a surefire route to ecstasy for lots of us. Notice I said “skillfully”. There’s an art and a science to cunnilingus, so make sure you’re qualified in both.
First, the science. A woman’s clitoris has about 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings – and its only purpose is pleasure! Only about a quarter of the clitoris is visible outside the body. There is an internal female erectile network, all comprised of erectile tissue. The clitoral shaft has “legs” that extend and under the outer labia are two big wads of engorgable erogenous tissue called the paired vestibular bulbs. All of this means that a woman’s body is primed for pleasure — if you know what you’re doing.
That’s where the art comes in. Dr. Wiley recommends starting out by placing one pillow under your partner’s hips and another under your chest. Her lower back will be more relaxed, and it’ll be easier for her to adjust her knees and legs, allowing for more sensation. Next, spread her vaginal lips using your fingertips to expose her clitoris. Explore the sensitive folds of skin. When she arches her back or moans, slide a finger or two inside her (here you can use a small amount of lube, if necessary). Play with her a bit; then extend your tongue to meet her clitoris — darting it in and out. Press firmly. Lick gently. Throw in some longer, flatter strokes over the length of her vulva, as if you were licking an ice cream cone. Blow lightly across the focus of your attention. Tell her how good she tastes, how much you like licking her. Draw her clitoris gently between your lips and flick it or massage it with your tongue. Rest your chin on your fist, with your pinkie down, and use a finger to put pressure on the bottom of the opening of her vagina to heighten the sensation. Stop. Lick. Kiss. Finger. Repeat. What you’re after is a combination of rhythm and intrigue: She can’t guess what’s, um, coming next — but once it does, she won’t want you to stop!
4. Get To Know Her G-Spot
The G-spot is a dime-sized area of ultra-sensitive erectile-like tissue about two-thirds up a woman’s front vaginal wall that can trigger powerful orgasms when stimulated. The G-spot can be difficult for men (and women) to find, especially when she’s not turned on. But when this erogenous zone is aroused, it hardens, gets rougher, and doubles in size, making it easier to locate.
You can stimulate her G-spot by inserting a lubricated finger or two and gently stroking it or with your penis during rear-entry intercourse. Another good position is to get her on top of you and have her lean back slightly, sliding up and down with slow, steady strokes. Or slide your fingers inside her during oral sex to stimulate both her G-spot and clitoris for a mind-blowing orgasm.
5. Sync Up
A skilled lover plugs into a woman’s breath and her pelvic thrusts to follow her lead. Listen to her vocalizations because there may be a pattern — and you can match your movements to that rhythm. Rather than the old in-and-out, try rotating your hips: It’ll make for a different kind of clitoral stimulation, and the absence of thrusting will help you last longer.
6. Try Some Toys
Sex toys are fun! They add excitement and variety, expanding your sexual repertoire. Plus, they can be great erotic tools that help get her orgasm while taking some of the pressure off your own performance. Use a vibrator to stimulate her, or hold, caress, and watch her as she uses it on herself. Relax, keep your sense of humor, and enjoy the results. Don’t try to do it perfectly, just do it! Remember, erotic toys are a way for grown-ups to play. Using props adds extra zing to sex, and also deepens the sense of trust and intimacy between lovers.
7. Add Some Spice
The key to an exciting sex life is novelty: We all crave new and different experiences. Start small if she’s skittish. Take sex out of the bedroom and start foreplay someplace new, whether that’s your kitchen or your car (don’t get caught!). Be spontaneous and try a quickie. Talk about your fantasies. If you’re worried about rejection, try making it into a game: Divide 10 index cards between the two of you and each write down five sexual fantasies. Put them into three piles: “yes,” “maybe someday,” and “not on your life.” Save the possibilities and choose one to try once a month or so.
8. Make It A Habit
“Female sexual desire is especially connected to being relaxed and having fun,” explains Dr. Wiley. “As a therapist, I favor action, not introspection. Identify what you want your relationship to look like, then list the actions you can take to get there, such as having dinner out once a week, sex on the calendar, or playing tennis or golf together.” Putting sex on your calendar like any other appointment might seem anything but erotic. Yet it often works because, especially for women, desire doesn’t always come before arousal. In other words, she may heat up once things get started. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. If her libido doesn’t match yours — or vice versa — seeing a qualified sex therapist can benefit you both.
PLUS: 10 Quick Tips to Make Her Hornier
Whisper in her ear: Whispering is sexy. It almost feels a little naughty. Combine it with a sexy touch and it is nearly irresistible. While running your hand up her thigh, whisper in her ear how much you would enjoy licking her. Lick her earlobe and start kissing her neck and all those other sensitive spots that rarely get touched.
Seduce her mind: Most women take time to warm up. So plan ahead: Send a sexy text message telling her you love how soft and smooth her skin is… or how you have been thinking about the smell of her hair… or that you can’t wait to taste her. If you seduce her mind, she’ll want you to seduce her body later on.
Show your alpha male side: If you sense she’s up for it, in her hands against something hard (a wall, a door, the car) and kiss her passionately, first on the lips, then on her neck and chest.
Look good: Just as you are likely most attracted to women who have a sense of style, are in shape and are well groomed, women find men with the same qualities most desirable and sexually attractive.
Demonstrate confidence: Confidence is king when it comes to attracting and seducing women. Women notice, are intrigued by, and want to be near a confident man. Men who are absolutely clear about who they are and what they want — and then take actions to achieve results — are perceived as being confident.
Get passionate about your life: Passionate people are exciting. There is something electric about them. If you are turned on about your life, women will be turned on by you and want to get close, to be part of the passion and excitement.
Be protective — and capable of protecting her: There is something primal in a woman’s attraction to a man she feels safe around and who demonstrate a concern for her safety. Ask: “Are you okay getting home? Do you need help? Would you like me to walk you to your car?” Create an atmosphere that makes her feel safe to “let go” and surrender to her sexual desires.
Be chivalrous: Men that demonstrate good manners stand out. Period. Good manners are nearly a lost art. And (trust me on this) women notice and are much more impressed by and attracted to men with good manners. Carry that through to the bedroom by creating a romantic environment at home. Candles and mood lighting, red wine and chocolate, some sultry music, and a massage all go a long way to fueling romance. And consider learning how to dance. There is something very sexy and sensual about men that know how to move well, take control, and lead a woman around the dance floor.
Get active: The Bachelor may not be the best source for dating advice, but there is a method to the producer’s choice of dates. Studies done at the University of Texas in Austin show that adrenaline increases sexual attraction – especially during extreme dates such as a riding a roller coaster, skydiving, rock climbing, or watching a scary movie.
Do the dishes: Or fold the laundry, take out the trash — you get the idea. Studies suggest that men who help out around the house may enjoy more satisfying sex lives and have happier female partners. That may be because pitching in at home (a practiced termed “choreplay”) helps women relax — and we need to feel relaxed to be able to feel turned on!