Hot model Amanda Marie (AlluringVixens)
If there wasn’t this confusion, then we wouldn’t have such a seemingly widespread belief that consent is difficult to determine.
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If there wasn’t this confusion, then we wouldn’t have the myth that if the woman was drunk/was wearing a short skirt/had similar type of sex before/had sex with her attacker before/was out at night that she was somehow ‘asking’ for it.
For some, the phrase ‘no means no’ sums up whether consent has been given.
If you haven’t said ‘no’ then you consented.
Well, when you’re drifting in and out of consciousness or experiencing the freeze-state of a trauma response, articulation of even the word ‘no’ is often impossible.
The absence of a ‘no’ does not constitute consent.
And don’t get me started on the ‘pick-up’ artists who claim that men shouldn’t take a no as a no, and should instead use it as an indication that her barriers just need breaking down.
A coerced ‘yes’, a pestering to get to ‘yes’, is not a yes. Any ‘yes’ that is emitted under any kind of duress is not a consenting yes.
Consent is really very simple.
It’s not as simple as a cup of tea, but it is simple.
Are you both enthusiastically hot for each other? Are you both mutually unable to keep your hands off each other? Is there an urgency in your mutual desire?
This is what makes sex so enjoyable – if you just want to get off, I suggest you masturbate.
woman crying next to leering men
(Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)
If there is any uncertainty in whether you have the enthusiastic consent of your partner, then you should not be having sex with them.
The first step, if this is the case, is to ask them and check that this is something they want. If they don’t respond enthusiastically, then again, you should not be having sex with them.
There are some circumstances when you can be absolutely, positively certain that you should not be having sex.
If your partner is extremely drunk, not making sense, falling over, or generally comatose.
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If your partner is under the age of consent.
If your partner has only agreed to sex because you said you’d shame her with photos otherwise.
If your partner has only agreed to sex because you overpowered her, or threatened her with violence.
If you have sex under these circumstances, you have committed rape.
Don’t make this the reason she said yes (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)
There is no fine line or grey area when determining consent.
Either both parties want to have sex, or it is rape.
This fear that many seem to hold that consent is difficult to ascertain is irrational.
This belief that asking for consent is a downer and not sexy is also irrational.
Communication is only 7% verbal – to establish enthusiastic consent, you don’t even need words. But you do need to open your eyes and your senses. You do need to want to be looking for signs of enthusiastic consent, or lack of.
If your only concern is yourself, and not your partner, then you have no business having sex.