Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of private Facebook messages from baby lesbians who are freshly out of the closet and asking me all kinds of questions: “How do I date girls?” “Where do I go to meet girls?” “How can I tell if the girl I like is gay too?” My heart melts every time.
Oh, sweet girls, I SO get it. It wasn’t so long ago that I was a wide-eyed young gay hungry for the answers to a slew of my pressing questions about lesbian dating. It’s hard out there for a new lez.
We are taught the rules of the boy-girl dating game at an early age. Unfortunately for us, when we decide we prefer riding the queer train and hop off at station “Girl-On-Girl,” there is no tour guide to greet us and lead the way (which is particularly sad, seeing as lesbians make for excellent tour guides).
It can feel wildly intimidating to be a little, vulnerable kitten tossed into a teeming cesspool of seasoned dykes. I will never forget how terrified I was when I first realized I wanted to exclusively swim in the girl pond. I had experience with boys, but boys were easy. I exerted zero effort into attracting boy creatures, but I learned quickly that I didn’t really need to. Maybe it was my aloofness that drew in the dudes (straight girls take note), but damn, dudes were easy like ~Sunday morning~. All you have to do is bat a lash, act entirely disinterested, cold and bitchy, and boys will fall at your feet. But girls are an entirely different kind of animal.
Women aren’t a simple stroll in the park; women are an uphill climb in dangerous weather conditions. We are Mount F*cking Everest. Also, lesbian culture, by nature, is extremely elusive. We aren’t like gay men who shamelessly advertise incessant fabulous gay parties all over the Internet. (Please, dear god, make me a gay man in my next life). Unless you want to be thrown into a haphazard mix of other lesbian newbies at a bi-monthly girl party at a massive nightclub, you have to know people to find out where the experienced lesbians gather.
We’re women. We don’t like things that are too easily available, and the dating scene is no different. Our culture is like a secret designer sample sale advertised only to an exclusive group of people “in the know.” (Oh, but once you get inside, you discover it was worth waiting on that pesky long lesbian line). Everything I learned about girl-on-girl dating was through trial and error.
Lucky for you, I’ve made every rookie mistake in the book, and I’m here today to share my wealth of screw-ups. Some lesbians liked to be tight-lipped (no pun intended) about the gay underworld. I’m (clearly) not one of those lesbians. I see it like this: It’s hard enough to be gay in this cruel, cold, heteronormative world. We don’t need to make it even harder on the young bloods by keeping our world so secretive.
Where the fuck do I MEET GIRLS?
Like I said, lesbians are elusive and hard to seek out, especially if you live in a small town. But don’t fret. We ARE out there, no matter where you live. My number one tip in meeting like-minded girls is to seek out another lesbian to be your wingwoman. Lesbians are usually nice and friendly to fresh meat and are more than happy to welcome you into the fold (a little too happy sometimes). So where does one find this coveted mentor?
Let’s brainstorm: Is there a lesbian at work who you’ve never spoken to before? Is there a lesbian who tends a bar you frequent? Is your cool older brother friends with a cool older lesbian? Maybe your plumber is a lesbian (for real, though).
Well girl, don’t be shy. Go and talk to her! Tell her you’re part of the tribe and, most likely, she will invite you to her next night out with the ladies. If she’s a cold bitch to you, well, shame on her. Send her my way, and I will set that mean lesbian straight. Karma will surely bite her in the ass, and she will die, sexless and surrounded by aging cats. Seek out another, nicer lesbian mentor. And if you can’t find a lesbian mentor, don’t worry. Mama’s got a backup plan… Go to the lesbian bar alone. If you don’t have a lesbian bar in your town, get online and research a lesbian night somewhere in the surrounding area.
I promise there will be one. Who doesn’t love a mystery woman who is sitting solo at the girl bar? I always talk to the girl by herself. I think independence is sexy. At the end of the day, we are a community. And lesbians are so incestuous that we’ve all dated each other by now. We’re perpetually thirsty for fresh gay blood, so being new on the scene actually works in your favor. Also, if you don’t like bars, you’re totally fine! Go to Meetup.com. There is always a lesbian art walk, or book club, or walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. You’re not fucked, I promise.