How do I finger my girlfriend better? (19M/18F)
I have been dating my girlfriend for about 7 months now and we have had a pretty healthy sex life considering our packed schedules with her being in full time education and me having a full time job.
However the last time we had sex, I was fingering her and she stoped me in the middle of fingering her and when I asked what was wrong and she responded with “your just bad at doing that”. This was crushing to hear and I haven’t been able to stop feeling bad from failing so poorly as a sexual partner without realising.
So I’m asking how exactly do I improve my performance in this region, I’ve asked my GF to show me how she would prefer me to touch her in that region but she’s too shy to go through with a demonstration and I’d never want to pressure her to do something she’s not comfortable with.
TLDR: I suck at fingering, need tips/ a guide
TantraGirl: Did you know that there’s an app for that? 🙂
Seriously! Go to [OMG Yes!!](https://OMGyes.com) and have a look. It’s a complete set of interactive tutorials that will teach you several dozen different ways that different women like to be fingered. Your GF can try it out first, and then tell you which ones to focus on. It’s a much easier way for a shy girl to explain her preferences.
[Here’s a review if you want more info.](http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/12/omg-yes.html)
More generally, the r/sex Wiki has a great collection of articles about [Sexual Techniques.](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index#wiki_sexual_techniques) That’s always a good place to start for any “how to” questions
Here’s another really good place to go if you are serious about learning to be a better lover:
+ [*A Beginner’s Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex*](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/71zp0s/a_beginners_guide_to_good_great_and_amazing_sex/)
Check out the 3rd, 4th, and 5th articles for tips specifically on female anatomy, oral, and fingering, plus links to some books and video references.
I hope this helps!
lionmouse95: Not everyone like’s the come hither movement. See if she’s up to trying different things out. You could try having a rigid finger but pressing upwards and moving in and out. It could be she likes that sensation but you’re doing something that hurts her. I find when people twist their finger in me, it hurts and it turns me off so I can’t enjoy everything after. The same when people try and enter wrong- you can’t just shove your finger in, for lots of girls it’s better to slide it from the clit into the vagina.
lilsebastianswaffles: It is trial and error sometimes. My current boyfriend has modified his technique based on my reactions, which is really sexy in itself. He pays attention to what I respond to, what makes me wet, what I arch my hips for more of. I generally just enjoy him touching me, but he can tell when he hits a button.
He’s developed this whole routibe where he teases my clit for ages and then plunges two fingers inside me kind of suddenly. Works every time. I had no idea I liked that because no one had ever taken the time to try it before.
Take your time. Figure it out. If you try something and it isn’t a hit, no worries. Just cross it off the list and try something new.
Yass_King: Before I describe what I do, I just want to note that I consistently make women cum by fingering them. So I do have some authority on this (it comes with experience).
First of all, you need to make sure you do enough foreplay beforehand. Get her sufficiently hot and aroused with kissing, touching, etc. everywhere *except* her pussy.
Then, before touching her down there, lick your finger(s), get them nice and wet. Start soft and slow with your middle finger on her clit, just gently teasing and playing with it. You can also trace her inner labia very softly up and down. Get a sense of what she seems to like as you’re doing it.
In general, start gently, and mostly on the exterior and on/near the clit. Keep it wet at all times, lick your fingers as needed. I have found that some version of a swirling or circular motion on the clit is the best. Experiment with different angles, parts of your fingers, and number of fingers. Some girls like the fingertip right on the clit, sort of bobbing it up and down. Others like the flat portion of the underside of the finger, more pressure, perhaps with two fingers. Sometimes they’ll like being stimulated more on the underside of the clit, or sometimes more near the top.
Over time, you can gradually build pressure. About midway through, when I feel they’re really wet, I usually get amazing results with my index and middle fingers together, swirling the clit with the flat surface of my fingers, pressure and speed slowly building. You should know your girl well enough to know if she’s building toward orgasm – if so, *don’t stop or change what you’re doing!* Consistency is absolutely key when a girl is about to cum.
Short of that, if the surface/clit stuff isn’t popping her, you can switch things up and go for a dip. Beginning with clitoral stimulation, slide your middle finger into her while maintaining pressure on the clit, firm but not excessive pressure along the full arc of the dip with the entire surface of your finger, slowly in and out. This can be very powerful. Alternate that with the clit swirling, and she should get hot enough to approach orgasm, then stick with whatever is taking her there until she cums.
Much more I could say about this, but those are some basics. Happy fingering!
**Edit:** I hasten to add, a lot of being good at fingering, as with other sexy things, is as much about intangible qualities as it is about technique. For instance, your general mood and enthusiasm, whether you verbalize how turned on you are, how amazing she feels, etc. Whether I’m fingering a girl, going down on her, or fucking, I always, always talk dirty and tell the girl how great she feels/tastes, how hot she is, etc. Sex is as cerebral as it is physical. This shit makes a difference.
meltallica82: Did you ask her how you can improve? She obviously knows what she likes. Ask her to guide you.
K-Dave: You have to feel it yourself. Be empathic and sensitive. Avoid robotic movements. Imagine you would give her a massage, it’s no different.
ocicataco: Do you know where/what the clitoris is? Like, truly? I once had a guy who kept trying to finger too low (My god damn pee hole, basically) and it was uncomfortable and didn’t feel great at all. And gave me a UTI.
Maybe start with really educating yourself on a woman’s nether regions.
pepsiicat: Look up “yoni massage’. Youre welcome.
Edit: oh and just because articles praise the “come here” motion, doesnt mean it needs to be done all or even a lot of the time. I myself cant stand it unless im very very turned on. If im not, its just a very annoying feeling to me.
gamer_zzzz: What is your current approach?
tothrowaway1346: Do you finger her by inserting a finger in her vagina? Or by playing with her clit?
Personally (and everyone is different) I hate when my husband jams his finger in my vagina, it is unpleasant. Using his fingers and rubbing them in small circles on my clit? Yes please!
If she’s too shy to show you her doing it herself, would she guide your hand? So you’re the one doing the touching?
tarlack: I often ask new partners to play with themselves, this lets you get a feels for what they do when alone. Take what you see and adapt it, to the situation you are in. Honestly communication is the key when improving time in bed together.
animaperdidi: Personally, I like this. Lick very slowly until their is enough saliva or her own wetness. ‘Slowly’ is the key word. A lot of guys go nom, nom, nomming down there. Don’t be that guy. It takes time for us to get there and slow and easy is the way to get is there. (Find the little man in the boat.) The man/clit is very sensitive so it you go fast or hard, it’s not pleasurable (it’s kinda like someone sucking firmly on your tip right after you cum – painful even). After she’s wet, bend your fingers “air quotes” style (quotes facing up to clit/pubis) and gently and slowly rub in/out. If she wants faster, she’ll arch her hips, moan, whatever. If you’re doing it right, she’ll get wetter. If not, slow.the.fuck.down. If she wants harder, she’ll probably just say “harder.” Good luck.
SonyaErotica: Okay one, when you go down on your lady or are just fingering her realize her clit matters and needs to be attended to first. Its best to rub her clit down first with your tongue or finger first then gently play with and as she gains closer to climax you can increase depending on her comfort.
Two make sure your nails, fingers, and hands are clean. Make sure your nails are cut and smooth so no sharp edges.
Three using lube or salvia (if a close partner) on your finger before penetration.
Four then fingering her, her g-spot can be pushed down by applying pressure to her lower abdominal area.
Five there is no substitution for oral sex! Don’t shy away from using your tongue!
Calac64: It kinda bothers me that she is too shy to show you how to pleasure her. But I am a paranoid person.
From my personal experiences:
Fingering accomplishes 3 main things:
1) girth based pleasure.
Some girls like 3,4,5 fingers at once because they love to be stretched.
2) Direct G-Spot stimulation (among other ‘spots’). My GF LOVES this one.
3) finger banging.
Some girls like to just be fucked the fuck up fast and hard with a few fingers.
I would recommend trying something new every night and gauge her reaction. Every woman is different, and it is almost like jacking off. We have a very certain specific tempo sensitive exact science well rehearsed way of fapping. You have to learn how to do it through trial and error. HER INPUT IS CRUCIAL.
It is is also possible that she just doesnt like fingering.
door-to-door-maniac: +1 on the comments about girth. I notice that a lot of guys go for depth instead–maybe you’re reaching too far in? Don’t try to probe her cervix; just insert a finger or two to about your first knuckle, and rub like you’re trying to apply a sticker.
kfmush: The best advice I can give is to go slow and gentle, not fast and firm (unless she likes it rough, but most do not when it comes to the actual genitals).
Start by teasing the areas around the vulva first, gently “tickling” and rubbing, give some attention to her inner thighs and her pelvis. Work your way inwards toward the vulva and don’t penetrate right away. Stimulate the labia majora, then the labia minora and the clitoris–be real gentle with the clitoris, it’s super dense with nerves. Using two fingers to rub each side of the clitoris and pull back the clitoral hood a little is a good technique.
As she gets more aroused she will naturally lubricate (“get wet”) and you can start to penetrate the vagina with your fingers. Start with one finger and slowly slide it it. Once it’s in, don’t just start pumping it; move it around and “explore.” Maybe stimulate her clit with your thumb. As she loosens up, you can put another finger in.
Keep going slow and gentle, pumping a little bit and still “exploring” with your fingers and massaging her clitoris with your thumb or other hand. When you have to fingers in, take them and curl them upwards and back towards your palm. Slowly and with a little more pressure than before. This will help you locate the g-spot; maybe even press down on her pelvis a little bit. And don’t forget to keep attending to her clit.
Pay attention to her and change things up if she starts to wince or seems bored. Slowly work up your intensity if she seems to be enjoying it. Don’t do the same repetitive motion for more than a few seconds and keep changing things up until she’s about to cum; don’t let her get bored. Once she’s close to cumming, keep doing whatever it is you were doing until she climaxes.
Some other things to keep in mind:
Don’t ignore the rest of her body. Kiss her lips, neck, collar, breasts, ribs, chest, anywhere sensitive. use your free hand to embrace her and stimulate other parts of her body like her breasts or buttocks. Holding the back of her head/neck while making out and fingering feels quite passionate.
Straight porn isn’t always the best place to get advice on how to please a woman. Lesbian porn is *better*, but…
The *best* way to learn what’s best is to communicate with her. Ask her if it feels good, if she likes it. Don’t get conversational during the act; It’s distracting and can turn her off. When you’re not lovin’ each other is the time to talk more in-depth. After your finished and have “come down” from the euphoria a bit and had time to cool down, ask her if she liked it and specifically what she liked. Ask her what she didn’t like and what could be done better. Ask if there’s anything you didn’t do that she wants. It can be a little awkward to talk about when you’re young and exploring sex, but keep at it and it will become more and more comfortable.
Firegod1385: Its amazing to me that not a single person in this thread bothered to acknowledge her really shitty approach to this. If a guy told her a girl to stop giving a blowjob midway through and gave only the feedback of “You’re just bad at it” all of /r/sex would be up in arms about it.
This is a really immature way of her trying to get what she wants. It might not be the biggest deal to some of you, but being shut down like that in the bedroom can really lead to some inadequacy feelings. Good on you OP for being positive about this and truly wanting to learn how to get better, while doing the usual things such as asking her.
Which, by the way, does nobody else find this annoying? She can handle having sex. Having someone insert their dick into her.. But too shy to.. talk to them.. about the details of making fingering better? Like what?
thedancingpoodles: Female here. If you try bend your two fingers and do it pushing upwards, trust me, umfff
leto78: There are many techniques but the most important thing is to listen to your partner’s body.
Some girls like extremely light touch and long teasing, while others prefer being intensely stimulated in the g-spot area. Some like waves of intensity, while others a crescendo to intensity.
It is good when a partner communicates but unfortunately a lot of girls don’t know their own bodies, nor how to communicate what they want.
harrisoncock: I have big ass hands, so i might have an advantage going in, but i have this one move where i push down on her stomach with my free hand, and whip my fingers inside, around where im pushing with my hand. Ive had some girls not react too much to this but other girls have gone nuts… not sure if this helps
Notwhoiwas67: > I’ve asked my GF to show me how she would prefer me to touch her in that region but she’s too shy to go through with a demonstration
If she’s unwilling/unable to show you what she wants you TO do, then she’s going to have to learn to be a lot more patient and “soft” in how she tells you when you are doing something that doesn’t work. I mean of course she should tell you when something isn’t working, but if she’s not going to tell you what does work, it’s a bit unfair of her to get frustrated or annoyed when what you do doesn’t work.
jean_ette: I think a lot of women are different, but from my experiences where most men go wrong is going to crazy on the clit. Don’t rub it like its an itchy mosquito bite, it can feel good but it’s sensitive. Save that as a treat, kind of.
She’ll get more comfortable as time goes by and she’ll eventually show you but like everyone says it’s kind of trial and error.
Definitely make sure she’s wet first, lick your fingers first. Or have her lick them first.
She could have been a little nicer about it though lol.
bonkai420: Insert fingers and make the come here motion
Ratatoskruk: Make sure your finger is moist (lube/spit/her fluids) . Curl up your finger like you’re beckoning someone and gently move the top part of it back and forward. “Come here”. Make sure you have trimmed fingernails and listen to what she’s saying/doing.
It’s really the female equivalent of a handjob though (I.e better with oral)
Cheiffa76: Search squirting 101 on any porn site. Has been soooo good to my sex life since seeing it in my teen years
scorpious: 1) **Ask her what she likes.**
2) Do that.
3) Repeat process.
hoesarepeopletoo: Which one of you virgins downvoted me?
MiddleSpoon7: Watch a “how to make a woman squirt” video. I’ve never had the technique fail to drive a woman crazy.
Basically you insert 2 fingers in a come hither orientation. Then instead of going in/out, you move your whole hand up and down (i.e., towards the ceiling and towards the floor). Think of doing shurgs at the gym with dumbbell but you only hold the bars with your middle and ring fingers. It’s that motion.
Wanth: Hey friend. My best move from my experiense is the “come here” move. When she is turned on. Slip in 2 fingers and do the come over here move with your two fingers. Make sure you got short nails and cut the same day so they’re still sharp. Use much more force than you think you need. Almost all i’ve done this on will have some form of squrting. The move is loved by all exept my now girlfrind of 7 years and mother to my children.
hoesarepeopletoo: If you can reach it there’s a nub at the interior of the pussy, with what might be best described as a moat surrounding it.
If you motion from the base of the moat to the top of the nub most women really enjoy it.
And clits are all difference some are more sensitive than others. My recommendation is to lick the clit while playing the the nub.
Most importantly pay attention to how her body responds.