Beach Sex: Everything You Need To Know
Your Complete Guide To Doing The Deed On The Beach
Everyone loves summer. Even those who don’t love summer, love summer. Even when you’re stuck on a rush hour tube and you’re sweating so much that the newspaper print from the Metro is rubbing off on your hands and before you know it you’ve touched your face and you can’t exactly be sure where all the ink has gone but you can visibly see the end of some obscene headline stamped right there, on your forearm.
Even when you’ve had a hankering for a Maxibon all day but when you get to the shop you realise everyone’s had the same idea two hours ago and all that’s left are the fucking Mini Milks and by the time you get back to the office they’ve melted all down your arms and everyone’s all like “that’s the last time we trust him to go to the shop…”.
Even when your testicles are so hot you find yourself hovering near the talcum powder as you’re picking up your meal deal from Boots. Even, even, when you get that kind of sunburn, the kind that’s not like regular sunburn, that’s so vivid in hue it feels like if you turned the lights out you’d be a human glow stick. And you’re sunstroke is so severe that, although you’re in a silent room, you’ll turn to the person next to you, dribbling, and say “I can’t I’m busy that day,” before collapsing in a heap on the floor – even then, you can feel a sense of elation that makes you say praise the lord hallelujah: summer’s here.
This is what make British summers so great. British summers are just awesome, aren’t they? We complain all year round that we can’t wait for hot weather. We talk about it all the time. We tell everyone in the office the first time we haven’t had to wear our coats to work, pointing with glee at our bare arms.
Yeah, hot, sticky days and even stickier nights are thuh beeeest. BUT. If we had one complaint, one tiny complaint, it’s that at night it is virtually impossible to sleep next to a person, let alone think about having sex with them. Even the light touch of a pinkie finger gets so damn sweaty that it just slides right off your body. Wearing ‘jamas is a nightmare but without them there’s a genuine risk of slipping out of the bed.
So if it’s impossible to get it on with your partner without sliding round and gripping on for dear life like you’re fighting in a paddling pool filled with jelly, how and when exactly are you going to have sex? Well, there’s one pretty obvious, summer specific answer here: the beach.
In an ideal world where nothing embarrassing ever happens, the beach is the ultimate location for all your sexual escapades. Waves lapping at your toes, the setting sun bathing your arse in a flattering orange glow, the sea as your soundtrack. So many places to do it: the sea, the sun lounger, down the side of the sun lounger, under the pier where the bums go to fight, the toilets by the car park that cost 20p. It seems perfect. In reality, though, it could possibly be one of the worst bang spots of all time. Perfect place for a romantic stroll, yes. Perfect place to get it in? No. No way.
If you pay close attention, popular culture often tells us not to trust the beach as a bang spot. Stephen Spielberg warned that a late night frolic in the ocean leads to inevitable death by shark, Danny Boyle taught us in The Beach that, even if the sex goes well, even if the sea glows with a million beautiful amoebas as you mutually climax, ultimately people will come to your beach hut, and they will try to kill you (yes, those two things were intrinsically linked in the film, go back and watch it again). Even trash TV like MTV’s Ex on the Beach shows that nothing good comes out of the sea – not even a girl, rising calmly from the waves like Colonel Kurtz in a gold ASOS bikini, ready to ruin your life.
I can see why you perhaps felt the opposite. There’s also people trying to throw you off the scent, like T-Spoon. Did T-Spoon trick you into thinking sex on the beach was a good idea, too? You cannot be blamed, my dear boy. “Sex on the Beach” is a very catchy song. All the panpipes, the tight rhymes, the sweet dance moves, the galdem, the galdem, the galdem, woah. It’s just all too easy to be persuaded that putting your naked gonads on hot sand is a good idea when there’s a snappy tune telling you it’s a desirable fucking location. I guess what we’ve all learnt here is that you cannot take sex advice from two guys wearing polyester suits with no shirts on the beach.
So how common is this fantasy?
Turns out, the want to risk public humiliation and have sex in public or out in nature is not all that uncommon. A study in Quebec published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine asked 799 men and 718 women to rank 55 sexual fantasies. Of all these people (85.1 percent were heterosexual, 3.6 percent were homosexual, and the remainder identified as neither of these), two of the highest scoring sexual fantasies for men were “having sex in an unusual place” (82.3%) and “having sex in a romantic location” (78.4%). Fortunately for those guys, the beach can be both romantic and unusual, depending on where you’re having sex. (E.g. sex on the rocks as the tide comes in can be both romantic and unusual. And probably dangerous.)
Statistically speaking, however, it seems the amount of women that have these kinds of fantasies are much higher: whilst guys surpassed women when it came to having sex in an unusual place, over 6% of women were more willing to have sex somewhere romantic. So if you want to please your ladyfriend you’d better start packing that beach bag.
What are the dangers of sex on the beach?
Let me tell you, no good can come from getting friendly down in the sand, Danny Zuko style. You are going to have bigger problems than cigarette butts stuck to your behind. First of all, the sea is choc-a-bloc with faecal matter. The sea is basically nature’s toilet. Just remember that next time you try and open your eyes underwater: you are gliding through the world’s biggest salty filth cauldron.
After heavy rainfall, the risk of polluted sea water goes up. This is because sewage overflows are operated more frequently during heavy rain, which divert excess sewage right into the ocean. So, even though The Notebook taught us all that there was nothing more romantic than kissing in the rain, this formula does not apply when you’re in the sea. So, if you’re more of a planner than a spur-of-the-moment type of guy (which, honestly, you don’t get enough kudos for, especially if you can stop your darl from getting dysentery), then the Environment Agency have created this map which indicates which beaches in the UK are okay to swim in and which ones aren’t. I’m sure it wasn’t intended to be a bucket list of bang spots, but do with it what you will.
Having sex in the sea is not only potentially bad for you, but it can be harmful to the ocean. Used condoms can have a devastating effect on wildlife if dumped in the sea or left on beaches. Just imagine some poor seagull, choking to death on your dirty rubber. Sure seagulls are aggressive and obnoxious and they steal your chips, but not even they deserve such a humiliating death.
Is It Even Legal?
Then of course there’s the big question of whether sex on the beach is going to land you in prison. Well, the rules vary from country to country. Section 66 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 says that intentionally exposing one’s genitals is an offence, while section 11 shows that engaging in a sexual act in front of a child is also a criminal offence. Which means, if you’re getting down to it and some kid runs over to get his frisbee that’s gone astray, you’re going to be in big trouble. Which is why Sex and Relationship Expert Annbelle Knight stresses the importance of finding somewhere secluded: “Part of the allure of sex on the beach is the riskiness of it all, however the idea of getting caught is far sexier than actually getting caught. If you’ve got one to hand, a wind break or a parasol will give you a bit more privacy.”
If you have read this and mentally prepared yourself for the embarrassment, there is one last caveat for you to consider. Gather round the campfire, guys, because I have one last horror story for you: a couple in Italy recently found themselves stuck together after sexing in the sea. Like, actually stuck together. Physically unable to part. Whilst getting hot and heavy in the ocean the lovebirds found themselves in a spot of bother when, due to suction, they had trouble untangling. Calling a stranger over from the shore to hand them a towel, they were eventually separated at the hospital after doctors gave the woman an injection usually used to dilate the cervix of pregnant women during labour. (Well, I mean, I just have so many questions. How did they get to the hospital? Did they have to wait in the waiting room? How did they both fit on the hospital bed?) And we all thought unwanted sand placement was the worst thing to come out of banging at the beach.
5 Embarrassing Questions About Sex On The Beach
To carry on this allegorical tale of why you shouldn’t be sexing on the shore, we asked Binta Sultan, Research Fellow, Consultant in genitourinary medicine, adviser at drmortons.co.uk and unphasable professional to answer some of our most burning questions on beach sex.
1. Is having sex in the sea safe?
Whilst sea sex might seem hella romantic, it does come with some health risks. Those pollutants and bacteria we talked about earlier? Binta says that they have a way of getting into your body: “high levels of unpleasant bacteria could lead to urinary tract and gastrointestinal infections. There’s also much less lubrication for both partners as the water washes it away, so potentially more friction, discomfort and increased risk of STIs.” Sex and Relationship expert Annabelle Knight also adds that sea water harbours all kinds of bacteria and/or chemicals that can mess with the natural PH balance of your girl’s vagina which can lead to a nasty yeast infection. So. Sounds like a bad idea all round, right?
2. Can you use a condom that has sand on it?
It’s the age-old dilemma: you’re primed and ready to go, and ol’ butterfingers drops the precious condom in the sand. And of course it’s the only one you have, so what should you do – risk it, or head home a frustrated, sandy mess? Here’s a hint: DON’T RISK IT. “Sand could damage the condom and therefore make it more likely to split,” Binta warns. “Sand can also contain lots of bacteria and tropical parasites, depending on where you are in the world. The sand, if on the condom both inside and out, will cause friction to the skin during sex and will be unpleasant as well as increasing risks of STI transmission. Use a new condom if this happens, don’t take the risk.” You heard the woman, don’t be stingy with your rubbers.
3. Can you use a condom in water?
Look, we’re all for safe sex, but you have to know how a condom works before you try and use one: “Condoms shouldn’t be completely submerged in water, as they have never been tested in those conditions, and there is no guarantee of their effectiveness. And it’s very difficult to put a condom on in water. There’s much less lubrication for both partners as the water washed it away, so potentially more friction, discomfort and increased risk of STIs.” The moral here is, if you’re trying to put a condom on in water you are not ready to be using condoms. Step away from the woman and FINISH.
4. Can sperm live in water?
Ah, the age old question. The classic ‘hot tub’ fear. Can sperm swim like loaded sea monkeys right up inside your girl? Can you get her pregnant in water without even being inside her? Well, luckily for you, Binta thinks it’s highly unlikely: “Sperm can live in water, but not for very long (a few minutes), and they are unlikely to travel very far, so unlikely to cause pregnancy in a woman.
5. Is it possible to contract a disease or infection from your surroundings on the beach?
I mean, it’s a fair question. If your junk falls directly into the giant sandpit of hell, then it’s highly likely there are going to be repercussions from that. As Binta said earlier, bacteria that lives in the sand can cause urinary tract infections and gastrointestinal infections, and depending on where you are in the world, parasitic infections, like worms that can get under your skin, can cause rather unpleasant symptoms. So sure, an early morning romp on the white sands of Thailand may seem like a good idea at the time, but ask yourself how romantic it’ll be spending the rest of your holiday with a worm setting up home in your penis.
What positions are best for the beach?
So you still want to do it, huh? Good for you. I feel you’re ready for it. We have prepped and primed you, we have thrown our best scare tactics at you, and you’re still into it. That shows commitment, and we will reward you accordingly.
So when it comes to outdoorsy activities such as these, you’re going to need to know which positions will best suit your choice of location. Let’s be honest: missionary isn’t going to cut it. There’s no dog walker that’s not going to know what you’re doing if he sees legs akimbo and your bare arse flapping in the air. When it comes to sex on the beach, you need to think stealth.
That’s why Annabelle highly recommends keeping it simple with doggy style: “[It’s] great for sex on the beach, your private parts are elevated above that pesky sand and you’ll be able to keep an eye out should someone stumble across you. It will also mean that you can easily reach around her with one hand to treat her to dual stimulation and the potential of a blended orgasm.”
Yes, the fact that your partner is one swift foot movement away from being in a sprint starting position will bode well for your sexual escapades should someone spot you. As Annabelle rightly says, sand gets everywhere. Everywhere. Which can make sex a bit of a workout, because it all becomes about elevation. Keep everything elevated. It’s like that game that all children play – you know, the one where you can’t touch the floor for fear of it being hot lava? Only in this case, you can’t let your lower half touch the ground for fear of contracting some sort of disease, or putting your nuts directly on a melted Solero. Yes, stick to doggy – and if you want, pop a beach ball under your partner to help keep the sand at bay and, let’s face it, make the best use of that beach ball.
What to pack for your beach adventure
A beach bag is essential for any trip out to the pure shores of the ocean, but unlike your usual beach bag, this one is going to be filled with props for your sexcapades, rather than warm sandwiches and a Dan Brown novel.
Let’s start with the basics: Annabelle says a couple of good-sized beach towels are essential if you want to keep your nethers sand-free. But what she says is really important, is protection from the sun: “My must have for sex on the beach is sunscreen, Make sure you’re white bits are well coated to prevent embarrassing bum burn! To make things even better treat yourself to a sexy smelling one to add to the moment. Sun Bum is my recommendation for anyone wanting to get frisky on the beach.” She also adds that, to prevent that pesky chafing in the sea, carry around a small bottle or sachet of silicone-based lubricant, maybe one that’ll easily fit into the pocket of your swimming shorts. Remember that, as Annabelle said earlier, a wind break or a parasol isn’t going to hurt, either – sure it’s a lot to carry to the beach, but Christ, you won’t regret it.