Help! Why Does Having Sex Hurt So Much?
Hi Dr Emmy X!
I’m a late bloomer when it comes to masturbation and having orgasms. (I didn’t even know that women could masturbate until I was in my 20s!)
Now I’m figuring out what turns me on, what movements I like, and what doesn’t work. I even have a wonderful partner who is totally on board to help me figure it out.
Sometimes when I masturbate, or when my partner fingers me to climax, this weird thing happens: my body spasms, and it kind of…hurts (usually in just the pelvic area).
I can’t hold my vibrator to my clit any longer or I push my partner’s hand away, even though I feel that I could have gone deeper into the orgasm. It totally keeps me from just melting into the experience.
I’m wondering if I’m pushing myself to climax before I’m fully warmed up? Is that a thing? Or is this a serious issue that I might have to get looked at?
From one late bloomer to another, the first thing I want to tell you is to not stress about it! When I was in my 20s, I couldn’t understand what the hype about sex was to save my life until a friend nonchalantly asked me if I masturbated. I thought, Who, me? It never even occurred to me to masturbate. But, late or not, you’ve found the world of self-pleasure and you have a partner that’s along for the ride. That’s great!
What you need to know is that sex-related pain is actually very common among women. With that being said, however, most women suffer through it, and never report the pain or see their doctor about it—so I’m glad that you reached out. You don’t have to suffer through this. After all, sex is supposed to be enjoyable!
The first thing I would recommend is to pay a visit to your doctor. Whenever you are experiencing any kind of unknown pain you should absolutely get it checked out. Talk to your OB-GYN about it at your next appointment—or, if you’re really concerned, make an appointment sooner.
What you’ve described sounds to me like it could be vaginismus. It’s an incredibly common condition that causes involuntary muscle spasms in your vagina and most often happens with penetration. So, your partner’s fingers could definitely be triggering these spasms, or even your orgasms themselves.
It can be hard to tell what causes vaginismus, but the most common culprit is sex-related anxiety or fear. This could have come as a result of being a late bloomer, or could have even developed with one partner and then carried over to the ones that followed. But whatever the cause, you want to focus more on the solution.
After checking with your doctor, he or she will most likely give you some treatment ideas—one of which will probably (hopefully) be Kegel exercises. You know how much I love these, and there’s a reason behind that. Kegel exercises help you learn how to control and relax the muscles around and in your vagina (your pelvic floor or PC muscles), which will combat future painful muscle spasms. While you can totally do them on your own, kegel balls like We-Vibe’s Bloom can train you to do them correctly, with a little added pleasure. These exercises don’t take long at all, can be done literally anywhere, and will make a positive difference in your sex life.
And, as always, make sure you are using a good lube and enough of it. Solo or with a partner, not using enough lube is a super-common source of discomfort and pain. Including more foreplay in your bedroom romps can also help to increase your own natural lubricant—and who doesn’t enjoy a little extra foreplay every now and then?
So, don’t fear that you’ll forever be in pain during sex: with a few of these tips, you’ll be back to Pleasuretown in no time.
Dr Emmy X
Mila Kunis [Tetas]