You know. It starts with a “t” and ends with an “itty-fucking.”
You might think that only a spoiled-rotten dude, bored of blow jobs, vaginal, and possibly even anal sex, would want to put titty-fucking on the menu. However!
HUGE TITS COMPILATION VOL.1
1. A guy’s not the Veruca Salt of intercourse — or insulting your other sexual routines — just because he wants to have sex with your boobs. He loves your boobs, and you (hopefully) love your boobs, and together your love will nurture your boobs until they get into a top-tier college and graduate summa cum laude. Or, at the very least, be the hot dog bun for his hot dog.
2. No boobs are too small. You might be a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, but as a lifelong card-carrier I can tell you that when there’s a will, there’s a way — although, admittedly, pushing them together does tend to be a bit painful. At first, you might feel like a doofus, but once you see he’s getting off on it, you’ll start to feel like a Powerful Woman Made of Breasts and Magic.
3. There are two primary positions, depending on your cup size. One involves him on his back and you bending over him, pushing them together. There’s a reason that the most flattering boob-shot selfies are taken from that angle — for smaller-chested girls, thanks to the miracle of gravity, it gives you cleavage you may not have when you’re on your back. If you’ve got bigger breasts, you can lie on your back and have him crouch over you.
(You could also have him sit on the edge of the bed while you kneel, facing him — but this will get uncomfortable after awhile. Or at least it does for me, because I am 27-going-on-TGIF Early Bird Special.)
4. Do not rely on spit to keep your between-boob valley a waterslide. Saliva dries quickly and will only end in discomfort — go with a silicon-based lube. It lasts the longest, and while it can irritate some women when used during penetrative sex, you don’t have to worry about that this time.
5. If you want to free up your hands for any variety of activities, use your upper arms to continue to push your boobs together.
6. Oral is optional. Considering that the head of his penis will be bobbing up and down toward your face for the next three to seven minutes like a large and enthusiastic sandworm, you could totally put your mouth on it. But that’s totally your call. Some people like garnishing their deviled eggs with paprika; others think deviled eggs are delicious enough without it. Yes, I compare all sex acts to egg recipes.
7. Be aware that when he comes, you’re at a prime angle for a facial. When he’s about to finish, do you want to tell him to pull back and come on your breasts? Or are you prepared to take the hit to the eye? This is the shit Sara Bareilles wrote “Brave” about.