1. In a grade-school classroom.
5th grade classroom. I sat in the back and just abused my Vienna until it was a Tic Tac. Have no clue how I got away with it; I guess I’m sly like that.
2. In a high-school band room.
The band room in high school. I had a free period and I was waiting in the band room (I had that class next period) and was bored.
Now the doors to the room are usually locked, but students had a way around it that no one cared about ’cause we didn’t mess up the band room or steal shit.
So I got bored and I spanked it in the band room, but I realized I didn’t have a Kleenex in my vinegar strokes, so I just came on the floor… and walked away.
One of the percussionists slipped in it later that day.
They fixed the door lock.
3. In a college classroom.
Sophomore year in college. Bio lecture. There’s just something about evolution of sea sponges that gets a girl going.
4. In a campus parking lot.
Whenever I have a few hours between classes I will usually do it in the car out in the campus parking lot. Sometimes twice. It’s much easier being discreet when you are female. You just gotta keep still when other students pass by… Kinda like a bunch of T-Rexes tryna catch you fapping.
5. In a church.
I masturbated in church once. Didn’t whip it out or anything, just did it through the pants. I didn’t think anyone noticed, but someone had to have right?
6. In a bathroom of a Baptist church.
In the bathroom of a Baptist church after my grandmother’s funeral. That was 3 years ago and I just remembered I did that…
7. In a cabin at a church camp.
I once masturbated in a cabin full of middle school boys at a church camp. It was my 8th grade year and I had never masturbated before. I remember one of my older friends who was a freshman in high school saying that if you don’t pee after you masturbate you get kidney stones. So that night at around 8PM I started jacking it just to see what the fuss was all about and had no idea what to expect. I suddenly felt the most amazing feeling I had ever felt in my entire life and jizzed all over myself. Seconds after finishing I went outside the cabin and took a piss like nothing had happened.
8. In a hotel hot tub.
Hot tub at hotel…full of people.
9. In a hotel hot tub with several beautiful women around.
I was stoned in a hotel hot tub with several beautiful women around. I tried to do it in the hot tub but couldn’t get it off, so I went to the men’s changing room/bathroom and dropped my swim trunks and furiously wacked it into the sink. Thankfully only my friends who came looking for me caught me.
10. In a hot tub in Mexico.
I was on vacation in Mexico when I was around 13, the peak of my horny-ness…I go to sit in the hot tub because I liked hot tubs. After about a minute or two, these two girls come and sit in the tub with me. The angel on my shoulder told me there was no way I could do this, but the devil felt differently. The bubbles were on so you couldn’t see anything going on under the water. So I started going at it. After about another 5 or so minutes, an elderly lady comes and sits next to me in the hot tub as well. Little 13-year-old me sitting in a hot tub with 2 hot twenty-somethings, and ~70-year-old choking the chicken. After almost 10 minutes I was sure that they had figured it out. I finished in my bathing suit under the water and immediately got out of the hot tub and ran away. I’ll never know if they found my floating juice in the tub…
11. On post in Iraq.
Well, the most dangerous was definitely on post in Iraq. Never knew when someone was gonna shoot at you with your dick in your hand.
12. In Iraq during a rocket attack.
A Port-a-John in Iraq during a rocket attack.
13. All over the place in the Marines.
In the back of a helicopter.
On post in Afghanistan.
In the driver seat of a Humvee that was getting towed.
The well deck of a ship.
On the top of a mountain.
Man, the Marines’ new motto should be “travel the world and masturbate everywhere.”
14. While stuck in traffic.
While stuck in traffic, car’s heavily tinted.
15. While driving on an Interstate.
I-80 while crossing Nebraska.
16. While camping with friends and family.
Was camping and had to share a tent with two of my friends, my sister, and her friend who is incredibly hot. It had been five days. Have mercy.
17. In the living room.
Being a raging hormone of a pubescent teenager, I thought the middle of the day in the living room was a fine place to whip it out and get it done.
It was not.
18. In the living room while my sister’s boyfriend slept on the couch.
In the computer chair, while watching porn on mute, in my living room where my sister’s boyfriend was lying on the couch. He was facing away from me, but still…one false move and he’d be waking up to a dude with a dick in his hand across from him.
19. On a ski lift.
Trying to finish discreetly on a ski lift.
20. In a movie theater.
Hormones raging…Watching the Power Rangers Movie in the theater, next to my aunt with a coat over my lap. Amy Jo Johnson was hot…those shorts in that movie…
21. At a strip club.
At Club Supersexx, in Montreal. We had a couple girls dance at out table. While sitting right next to my friends I whipped it out under the table and took care of business.
So stupid and so glad no one noticed. I would have had to find an entirely new group of friends.
22. At McDonald’s drive-thru.
Sometimes, when I am getting food for lunch. I will wait to start once I order at a McDonald’s drive-thru and try to finish before I reach the window to pay.
23. In the back of the family SUV during a road trip.
Road trip with family. I was sitting in the very back of our SUV behind everyone but in plain sight. I put a towel over myself and went to town. Staring intensely at the backs of my family’s heads. Came in the towel. Folded it up and put it back in the suitcase. My sister later used that towel to dry herself off.
24. In a hotel during a road trip with friends.
The most disgusting/shady hotel I’ve ever stayed in. Road trip with two close friends. There just happens to be what seems to be 24-hour pornographic double penetration marathon happening on the TV—like I said, disgusting and shady. Jokingly we leave it on in the background. We share a bed—each in individual sleeping bags. I slowly, painstakingly without trying to shake the bed am able to rub one out. Success. Shame.
I did pull it off though; to clear my conscience I told them about it years later and they had no idea.
25. In the neighbor’s yard.
Down the road in my neighbor’s yard. It was around 6AM on a weekday. I was just planning to go for a walk, I always like to walk around this time. I wasn’t really very exposed, except to my neighbor. I stood by a pile of sticks and just fapped away. It was pretty fun.
26. In a hospital bed.
In a hospital bed for a week being monitored for epilepsy I literally didn’t leave my bed except to use the bathroom and didn’t get a shower the whole time with the 100 wires attached to my head and body, on top of that they had me on 24-hour camera surveillance in the room so they would immediately know if I was having a seizure, by the 6th day I was bored and all alone finally and thought I’m under the blanket the camera people won’t notice…they probably did…stupid horny 15-year-old me.
• At a sports camp rooming with 3 other guys in bunk beds. Rubbed one out while they slept.
• At a cousin’s house who had a pool. I had some time alone while they were changing. I finished and freaked out when the long ropey threads of jizzum floated around. Not quite sure what I expected.
• At my parents’ house in the family room. They weren’t in the room with me, but it was risky.
• Back of the school bus. Once just so that I could say I did. Then every time after that just because I was horny.
• And finally in the stairwell at my high school. I asked to go the bathroom and just went and came on the stairs instead. I got a kick thinking of all the people that would unknowingly step in my jizz.