Yes, there is such a thing as something being too good.
Let’s get one thing straight: Most men don’t hate doggy-style sex. It’s one of the most popular sex positions. This is not an attempt to discredit doggy-style. No one is taking it to task. Don’t get all riled up just because your favorite sex position isn’t perfect. It is only after we understand our weaknesses that we can better ourselves. In fact, think of this as a thought exercise. An attempt to take something so good and pure, and find even the tiniest flaws.
1. It’s hard on the quads. If you’re in the traditional both-partners-on-their-knees position, going at it for any serious length of time can be pretty brutal on your legs, especially if you’re not in the best shape. Doggy style is way more physically demanding than say, missionary. So for some people, it’s reserved as the coup de grace and not for most of the main event.
2. It’s close to the danger zone. It’s not like this is a realistic worry, but we’ve all heard horror stories about people realizing they had food poisoning right in the middle of sex. The rest of that story will be left up to your imagination. It’s not as if that’s likely to happen, but if it did, we’re in the blast radius. It’s like how in the event of nuclear war with Russia, New York City would be a bad place to be, but New Yorkers don’t walk around all worried that they’re going to get covered in shit … I mean nuclear missiles.
3. You can get rug burn on your knees. If you’re having sex on the floor, everyone is going to wind up with some pretty major rug burn. Is it worth it? I’ll leave that up to you. But it can happen. And it can be mildly irritating for up to a day, especially depending on what kind of pants you wear afterward. Just saying.
4. Sometimes it’s too good. Like a tender filet mignon, it’s about the quality of the experience even if it isn’t necessarily substantial. That’s a nice way of saying sometimes it makes guys finish too quickly. It’s so great and so intense that they just can’t handle it, like people who get really high at parties and then need to go to sleep.
5. Your partner can get too enthusiastic. Enthusiasm during sex is great, but if you and your partner can’t get into a rhythm, you can have penises flopping out of orifices left and right. In that respect, it’s a more advanced maneuver that should only be attempted by professionals.
6. It can be awkward if you and your partner have very varied heights. To be fair, a lot of positions can be a struggle with a considerable height difference, but doggy style can be outright painful. It becomes this advanced yoga move, with the partner positioned behind the other either stuck in an eternal half squat or awkwardly stuck in such a way that looks like they’re just starting to sit down in an invisible chair.
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7. It can be a struggle to cup the breasts. Doggy style is great for vagina and butt access. It gets a 10/10 in both those categories. But it’s not ideal for breast or nipple access. It’s not that it can’t be done, it’s just that it’s unnecessarily strenuous. Plus, why bother reaching like that when there’s so much to work with right in front of you?
8. It’s on the list of positions most likely to break a guy’s penis. This shouldn’t require any further explaining.
9. It tends to, uh … produce noises that may make your partner embarrassed and stop everything. Let’s not mince words: It’s a position that tends to make women queef more often. Guys are 100 percent fine with this, but I’d be lying if it hasn’t occasionally embarrassed a partner or two. And to be fair, having sex is definitely better than trying to convince someone that you’re not bothered by the sound of air coming out of their vagina.