He’s an absolute gentleman outside of the bedroom but really hurts me during sex. Help!
I am (28F) and six months into a relationship with (29M) our relationship is fantastic and we are both completely smitten with each other. He is incredibly gentle, caring, loving and thoughtful. Basically just a really lovely guy. We talk constantly, love similar things and enjoy spending time together. We just click so well and have both commented on how lucky we are to have met one another.
The only issue we have had has been in the bedroom I just think he may have a sexual preference but as I have had a very ordinary sex life in previous relationships I am not quite sure what his style of sex means or how to respond. Like I get the feeling he’s into kinky sex but he won’t say. I have asked him several times if he has any fantasies and he simply replied ‘my only fantasy is pleasing you, seeing your pleasure gives me pleasure’ and that is very nice of him to say but in practice he doesn’t behave like that in bed because sometimes he hurts me.
First of all he is very well endowed both length and girth and initially it wouldn’t even go in. When it does it is painful both during and after. He likes sex multiple times as well like 3, 4 times sometimes but mostly about 2 and i’m already in pain after the first time. I suggested we use lube and he agreed but then started to brush it aside when I kept mentioning it. Eventually he explained his avoidance of the topic saying ‘we can use it sometimes but no more than half the times we have sex as I like forcing it in’ which I thought was a bit odd. I then suggested that we should do more foreplay so i’m more prepared and it hurts less. But the foreplay has become more painful than the actual sex. He will finger me really roughly and I have bled a little afterwards (not loads just like spotting) a couple of times.
So I will try to close my legs or move away or push his hand away when he’s fingering me. But he will push them back open or pin me down and keep going. I talked to my friend about this and she was like some men don’t realize they are hurting you so make it clear. That’s exactly what I did the next time but he grabbed my hands and held them down and continued doing it (just to make clear I didn’t tell him to stop I just tried to push his hand away). While he was holding my hands down and forcing my legs open he said ‘it’s so confusing isn’t it babe, is it painful or is it pleasurable?’ Which threw me a bit because it was only then I released he knew it was hurting me.
Then comes the actual sex where he will force it in which absolutely kills (I mean it’s that bad it must be hurting him) and then a lot of the time I will start to close up as a reaction to the pain. Then if he get’s it in he’s hitting my cervix with every thrust and he has stopped a few times when I’ve really cried out in agony and said ‘sorry I don’t want to hurt you baby’. So sometimes he is really caring in the bedroom and other times he’s not and it really confuses me.
We will usually start out in missionary and then he will put my legs on his shoulders, but this is the worst position for me because it goes in too far. If I try and move my legs he won’t let me. So I will always have to keep my hands on his pelvis or his chest to try and prevent him pushing himself all the way inside me. But he still continues when I do this and i’m not strong enough to hold him back properly (he’s 6’3 and stocky). Most of the time if I then vocalize it and say ‘it’s too deep’ he will pull back a bit but recently he’s sometimes pushed it in deeper. He has also started to reply by saying how much he loves it deep or he get’s really aroused and says ‘just take it’ and then I will say ‘I can’t’ to which he will reply ‘yes you can babe, just take it’.
So when he suggested we use a vibrator during sex I felt relief because I thought I will be able to prepare myself more for sex so it doesn’t hurt so much. But he then decided to take control of this and quickly found out that if he put it on the highest setting and pressed it down really firmly on me it would be too intense for me to handle. He enjoys my reaction as he holds me down saying ‘just take it’ again and again. So then I decided to become more vocal about what I like and I explained that I like gentle foreplay but when he does it gently he will build me to orgasm and then stop just before I orgasm and I will look at him like ‘what the hell? Why did you stop?’ and he will tease me saying ‘maybe if you’re good you can have some more later’.
But that might just be his personality he’s quite playful like he’s always playing tricks on me or trying to make me jump. I think he enjoys my reactions to things and finds them amusing. I went to the toilet in the middle of the night on Saturday and when I walked back in the room he was laying in wait to jump out at me and it scared me half to death. He was laughing so hard but gave me a big cuddle and apologized. So I think he has a bit of a mischievous sense of humor which oddly sometimes is brought into the bedroom.
I have noticed (even though I feel like i’m being paranoid) that if I express that I like something he will stop doing it. For instance I told him I really prefer lying on my front as it doesn’t go in as deep. But now if I go to get into this position he will always flip me over into missionary with my legs on his shoulders (the position sex hurts the most in). Or if I don’t like something I feel he will do it more (like the rough foreplay). He also does some things no one in past relationships have ever done like he puts his hands around my throat sometimes (but quite gently so I don’t mind) but last time we had sex he did it a bit harder and I did feel like I couldn’t breathe. Another time we were just lying there watching TV and he started slapping my arse but not in a normal playful way like really, really hard and I was like ‘wow that’s too much stop’. The last time we had sex just before he came he put his full weight on me so he was lying on top of me and he grabbed my thighs and arse and literally squeezed them so hard like he wanted to rip them off my body. I’m surprised there aren’t marks because it really hurt.
This also may be relevant but i’m not sure. He says things jokingly when he’s drunk or just in passing as well but i’m not sure if he’s just being silly or there is something behind it. Like I was wearing a choker before and he asked me how strong it was and whether a lead could be attached to it, and he’s talked about tying me up a few times but always in jokey ways. Like the first time I stayed at his he said he had some chains in his room and I didn’t know quite what to say so I was like ‘wow okay there’s me thinking we may have some fun with some fluffy handcuffs!’ to which he replied ‘I’m only joking but I think I have some real handcuffs somewhere’, he didn’t find them thank God. The idea of being completely vulnerable during one of his forceful foreplay sessions scares the crap out of me. He’s told me that I won’t ever be restraining him (not that I would want to) but that he would tie me up. As he was changing out of his suit after work he took off his belt teasing that he would be whipping me with it later (he didn’t).
I’ve painted a terrible picture of this man he is only ever like this in the bedroom. With any other issues I have he listens and responds in a really caring understanding way, he is the most romantic and loving bf I have ever had. But it’s like when it comes to sex he’s rougher than any boyfriend I’ve ever had! Like i’m positive he would stop straight away if I was crying or in unbearable pain but he obviously does like to be rough sometimes.
Please can anyone help me make sense of this and how I should approach this. He’s giving me mixed messages and not telling me what he’s into even though I’ve asked. I don’t mind the idea of rough sex in fact I had always imagined it would be really fun and quite sexy. But the reality so far is that hasn’t been the case, i’m still in pain down there at the moment from when I stayed at his two nights ago. I’m worried things will escalate without me understanding exactly what it is that he likes and how to respond to it. Or maybe i’m just overthinking. Please let me know your thoughts.
Briannabell: Usually I dont comment on these types of posts, but he seems abusive. I think you need to have a long talk to him about how he’s making you feel and how it hurts. If you are not okay with how things are going you need to let him know. He probably enjoys really rough sex, but it seems really abusive when he knows you’re in a lot of pain which is a huge red flag to me.
22Livia: He enjoys hurting you and you let him. It will get worse if you don’t leave.
Pikachuzita: This man is abusing you. He does not care about you at all. I was shaking reading this. Please leave.
googelyboogely: I was a dominatrix for five years. Your dude is kinky AF. If he denies it, hes lying.
Also, abusive relationships start like this. He’s grooming you. I don’t think he’ll get better, hes almost textbook.
NoahGosh: This sounds like sexual assault more than sex. It seems like he likes hurting you, and isn’t taking your feelings in to consideration. The fact that you’ve told him no and to stop several times and he just doesn’t makes it kind of obvious that he wants someone he can hurt. Consent to sex can be taken away during sex, it’s removed as soon as you say no. If your partner forces you after you say no, that’s not sex anymore; it’s rape. You need to get out of this relationship before he seriously hurts you.
rock8879: So they way he is outside the bedroom is a bit irrelevant here.
The way you describe it, it seems more like sexual assault than sex. You telling him you don’t like something and he keeps going is a BAD sign.
Also, rough sex is great, but it needs strict boundaries. In your text above, he seems to already have serious control/boundary issues. I would not proceed until that changes.
Might be worth talking to him outside of the bedroom, tell him basically what you said above, and see what changes.
If he works with you – awesome. If he gets defensive or ignores it, I would leave.
Elvishgirl: When he says he doesnt want to hurt you?
Hes fucking lying.
Thats ok- if you consent to it. But you dont seem to want him to hurt you. So… hes an asshat.
Hes hurting you when you ask him not to.
That’s not ok. No matter what the fetish. Pressing your fetish on non consenting parties is WRONG.
kawaiiskogsdotter: He’s a sadist, however you’re not a masochist and he’s too dumb to realise. Look up sadism & masochism (just bdsm in general) together outside of the bedroom and explain that this is what he’s doing to you UNCONSENSUALLY. A real Dom cares about their sub and will listen to safewords, real D/s couples will discuss pre and post scene to ensure a safe environment.
Your guy is either completely clueless as to how bdsm works, or he genuinely enjoys your pain, and will hurt you in unsafe ways, far beyond your limits. He’s being a huge asshole. Maybe you could crosspost this to BDSM community for better opinions and advice.
doomer1: I feel that either your description of him being a perfect gentleman outside of bedroom or this violent animal in the bedroom has to be at least somewhat inaccurate. It’s hard to imagine someone kind and ‘perfect’ stepping as far over the line as you describe him doing.
That said, aside from the obvious ‘break up with him, he is abusing you’ advice, you should really have a serious conversation about this, outside of the bedroom. Like, when there’s nothing sexual at all involved, sitting down and explaining to him that he is in fact hurting you and you are not enjoying it, that what he is doing to you isn’t ‘sexy’ kind of rough but actually feels violent to you, and you need this to change to maintain the relationship.
EriBean: This is horrifying. I just keep reading this thinking this man will kill you, and/or has hurt others.
NotCoder: Lol. You guys aren’t sexually compatible and tell him he’s doing rough sex wrong, it’s actually suppose to be pleasurable for you.
I would break up with him so many red flags
himate97: This sounds terrible. And its not “just during sex” by the way – these intimate moments allow him (and most people) to express a raw version of themselves. It sounds as if he may even be this person deep down & youll only see it when things are more long term.
If my bf realised he was hurting me AT ALL he would stop instantly and apologise. If sex is really about pleasing the other person, there would be no pain unless it was explicitly requested.
To be honest, I felt uncomfortable reading your post. Theres no mutual trust or understanding between you too. Unwanted violence and deliberately avoiding things you enjoy are major red flags and your bf almost seems to have two personalities (note: not the same as 2 preferences/behaviours).
Play it safe & have a very serious chat about it. If things dont improve, leave. Its only been a few months.
PM_ME_YOUR_BOOK_IDEA: I’m really sorry, but I’m getting serial killer vibes from what you’ve described.
relativee: He likes hurting you. You should not be treated like this. Doing it with permission is one thing (not my thing), but without any consent it is abusive. Don’t let it get worse. Don’t let him cuff you or tie you. He will hurt you and say something horrible like just take it. Sex should not hurt you. I suggest you end this relationship.
dexterrible: Outside the bedroom he is a gentlemen and hurts you in your bedroom.
to me this looks like the classic psyco who ends up beating you after a few months.
of course mine is just an assumption but still dont get fooled by the nice behaviour outside, if you were enjoying it then there would be no issue.
But no matter how something turns me on if it hurts my girl I would never continue because that’s love too.
highgemini: And he makes you go through this at least twice a day?! Get out now.
lotti333: This post made me so viscerally uncomfortable. You have told him multiple times what you like and don’t like, and when you like something, he stops doing it. When you hate something, he does it more. Is that the kind of relationship you can see yourself being in forever? Do you always want to be scared around him?
It sounds like he wants to practise BDSM, but doesn’t realise. At this point, he’s not a dom, he’s just an asshole.
If talking to him about this doesn’t stop it, he could hurt you worse. I don’t know how you can feel safe around someone like that.
klarigold: there’s some people commenting here saying that he’s abusive because he enjoys giving pain during sex/ because he is a sadist. kinky sex is not the issue: the issue is that she didn’t CONSENT to his sadism.
He is a Dom, but he is a terrible, abusive dom. BDSM requires you have safe words, discussions beforehand, aftercare, and above all YOUR NEEDS come before your DOM’S WANTS. it’s clear that you aren’t into this lifestyle and you’ve never indicated to him that you are but he’s forcing it on you anyway. he also clearly doesn’t have the first clue about the responsibilities involved in being a Dom. he’s assumed that you’re ‘playing along’ – saying stop, pushing him away or being uncomfortable are all things that subs do even if they are enjoying themselves. you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you do NOT enjoy BDSM and you do not enjoy pain.
he’s forcing you into a submissive role without asking you, giving you a way out (a safeword), or caring about your needs. that is abusive, full stop.
ShoddingWinker: This is how I read this post ” He doesn’t listen to me during sex, he hurts me considerably every time, he doesn’t stop when I want him to but it’s okay because he is nice when we aren’t having sex.”
This is absolutely not ok, please leave him and re -read this post to yourself. This is abuse, it is a non-consensual sexual act on the daily. It is rape.
drivincryin: Why are you with someone who enjoys causing you pain and makes you bleed?
Oh, he’s a nice guy in every other way. . .
Idontknowre: Leave and don’t look back
jayessgee: It seems like he is into rough and painful sex but won’t admit it to you. Or maybe avoiding it is part of his playful manor towards you. It sounds really hot and I’m a bit jealous lol, but that style is not for everyone. I know you’ve mentioned things to him but you should make it a point to have a really serious conversation about it. I would let him know that the pain is not pleasurable to you. If he is as kinky as I’m thinking he is, he probably doesn’t care (for lack of a better explanation) that it’s hurting you because causing you pain may turn him on. You two would then need to find some middle ground where he would still get that but you wouldn’t be in so much pain that you’re not enjoying the sex.
I don’t think you’re overthinking anything. It’s obvious that you two are not on the same page and just need to communicate and find a way to make the sexual side of your relationship enjoyable to both of you! If he really cares about you he will do so after having a serious convo about it.
Steeev88: You’re trying your best to defend him in your post, yet notice how nobody is on his side? IDGAF if he’s Prince Charming outside of the bedroom, he is a monster in it (and not in a good way).
You need to be clear during sex. Tell him EXACTLY what you feel. Explain how sore it is. Tell him not to do it. Use the word “No”.
He is already sexually assaulting you, but if you say “No” and he continues, that is rape. No perfect relationship or nice guy is enough to compensate for that.
And the longer you put up with it, the worse it will get. He’ll continue doing what he is, but he will also keep pushing it more and more to see where your breaking point is.
Please, for the love of God, do not let it get that far.
You need out of there, but I know how string love can be, so I know you probably won’t do that. Watch his behaviour over the next week or so, with my advice, and you’ll see he’s not worth it
hrbutt180: This is abuse
fairydustxx: Does he go down on you or do anything that makes you more wet? To be honest he sounds like a control freak and if he’s not respecting you sexually then eventually it will cross over to other areas
CrambleflumpJelly: It sounds like you’re validating his private behaviour in the bedroom based on experiences outside that setting. This in itself is not healthy, you cannot compartmentalise someone’s actions like that. It doesn’t matter if he’s responsive and good at listening in other situations, it sounds like he’s using it as a crutch to do entirely want he wants when you have sex.
Alysin_Chainz: Okay, I’m gonna be honest with you here. Maybe he is “kinky”, but he sounds like an asshole about it. He’s doing things you’ve told him repeatedly that you don’t like and continues to do even more things he knows you don’t know. He’s intentionally hurting you.
Now I’m into that, but my relationship is different as my wife (23F) and I (28F) are both switches and enjoy dom/sub play, CNC, and we both enjoy receiving some types of pain (choking, slapping, being roughly held down, etc) during sex. That being said, consent is the most important thing. You both have to be on the same page about pain/pleasure and how they are able to happen simultaneously depending on the person and their individual body.
That’s where the issue here is: you’re not on the same page at all. He does things you don’t like after you’ve told him you don’t like or that it hurts you. That’s a sadist, and not in a good way. I’ve been in relationships with men very similar to that and in MY experience, that abuse and lack of concern for your body will likely make its way outside of the bedroom too. It is abuse, it may not seem like it, but he’s completely devaluing the face you don’t want something sexually and doing it anyway or intentionally hurting you. It would be different if he didn’t know, but you have communicated that, and multiple times from the sound of it.
Also in my experience, men tend to be oblivious to women needs and wants (beyond the basics) until they’re told or shown because every woman is different. I would suggest talking to him about safe words/gestures, lay out some rules and hard limits. My wife and I use the traffic light safe word system: green means we are good and everything happening can continue or intensify, yellow means slow down or do something differently (we always communicate what needs to be changed or done differently), and red means stop all activity then and there, no questions asked. If red is called, proceed to cuddling/aftercare and discuss about what happened openly and honestly, why it happened, and what can be done to prevent it from happening again.
I don’t know if this will help you any, honestly if you do try that and he continues to ignore your wants/needs and ignores safe words, it may be time to look for a way out of the relationship because it’s not acceptable and at that point it is rape and a complete disregard for you and your physical, mental, and emotional well being.
From my current perspective I think he is abusive and actively abusing you, probably because he is turned on by it. I think you need to talk to him first, but if it continues I would end the relationship because I have been in a very similar situation with a very similar man and it took me almost 9 years to completely escape him. It just isn’t worth it because it will damage you long term in ways you won’t even realize until it’s too late. Abusive relationships can and will ruin future relationships and by then it’s something YOU have to work on even thought it wasn’t YOU who caused it, and it definitely won’t be your fault, but that can be very confusing for another partner and even more confusing for you because you never realize exactly how much that kind of abuse fucks you up until later in your life.
I apologize for how long-winded my comment has been, I wish you the best of luck resolving this and I hope you can resolve it as quickly as possible.
MeepoXL: It have personally found it hard to judge pain vs pleasure myself.
Squirming can mean pleasure, or pain.
Pushing his hand away can mean pleasure, or pain.
Just tell him “Stop doing that, you’re hurting me” when he fingers you next time. And tell him that in general he is too rough and that you don’t enjoy sex this way.
Sounds like he **may** be utterly oblivious to your pain, and while you may think you’re giving him hints, he probably isn’t registering it.
Next time don’t mess around, make it **extremely clear with absolutely zero ambiguity** that he is hurting you. If at this point he continues then leave him, he clearly enjoys the abuse. This way there is no room for error, and no room for misunderstanding.
tattedprincess97: Certainly some signs suggesting sexual abuse here – when everything else in the relationship is so great and lovely except this one thing then that can even be a sign! I would say leave him but it’s your decision… be careful, because if he doesn’t respect your right to say no in the bedroom when you’re vulnerable to each other, then why would he respect the no anywhere else?
mackiepie: Have you had a conversation about how he treats you in the bedroom?
He seems to enjoy your pain, but is he aware you’re not comfortable or satisfied?
If he doesn’t apologize and change, get out of there.
amethystmelange: This is absolutely wrong. It doesn’t matter what he likes or doesn’t like, no decent person would force their kinks on their partner without consent.
I love rough sex, S/M play, and kink. But this is abuse, not “rough sex” or kink. I would absolutely advise that you run from this man. Now.
sophiekitty13: Your boyfriend knows he is hurting you and also seems to know that you don’t like it, yet he continues to do it for his own pleasure. It should be crystal clear to him that you saying no, saying you don’t like certain things, or physically trying to push him off you means that you are withdrawing consent, and yet he continues. By your own description, he is assaulting and raping you. How exactly is he kind and caring because he doesn’t seem to give a shit about how you feel. His behavior is quite frankly unacceptable and I would be genuinely scared of him if I were you. Who knows what he is going to do next?
RedChard: Your story was very upsetting to read. This sounds absolutely awful to endure multiple times a day. Take to heart the responses here, not a single person is supporting this behavior. You’ve got to address this verbally with very clear language. If you can’t, you really ought to consider your mental health and safety in the long run.
Sexxit_funstuff: Like the other poster said, he’s kinky as fuck. In my opinion it’s kind of a red flag that he won’t admit it or openly discuss it. Sounds like a really shitty Dom, which are a dime a dozen in the scene.
Orgasm denial can be hot, but getting you off before “forcing it in” would probably do wonders for how it feels for you.
It’s like, instead of discussing with you, setting limits and boundaries, safe words, he just dumped you into the deep end. If this wasn’t new to you and you liked pain, that might be fine, but his shit is something to build up to. If exploring this type of BDSM is something you’re interested in, you need to have a serious discussion about how you can feel safe and vulnerable with him. He basically needs to understand that he needs to “train” you to build you up to this stuff.
I think it’s possible he could build you up to it, but he may also just be shitty and has no interest in that. It’s possible he’s inexperienced and had a prior partner that was an experienced masochist and brat, and that’s influencing his behavior. Straight up call him out on it. “You’re kinky and a sadist, and if you want this to continue we need to have a real discussion.”
Maybe read up on BDSM beginner’s guides and about dynamics and see what resonates with you.
ArchetypicalDegen: I love rough sex as much as the next person, but he needs to stop. Consent comes down to more than just sex/no sex. It’s about different acts during intercourse. Honestly I hate to say it, but if he isn’t willing to discuss and *stick* to boundaries, then he has serious issues.
Rough sex is only okay if the receiver enjoys it. Being dominant is supposed to be more of a caretaker type role than a sadist type role. I’d say he had an extremely kinky relationship in the past and is having trouble adjusting. Honestly though you’ve already communicated with him so much from the sounds of it. I’d have one more serious convo when you’re not about to have sex, and start seriously considering ending it if he continues.
Shan4232: Maybe a sort of safe world during sex could be used that would immediately let ur partner know that it’s gone to far ( u could have 2 or 3 for when ur getting close to ur limit and when ur at ur limit ) although if he actually listens to those words is a completely different story
Bella2022: Thank you everyone for your replies/advice I didn’t expect to hear from so many people. I also wasn’t expecting to hear some of the more serious points and they have certainly shocked me and made me see the situation differently. I thought it may have just been a clash of sexual tastes. Or that maybe he thought rough sex was normal.
I will speak to him and I hope it’s just a communication issue rather than something more sinister. I certainly think I haven’t been assertive enough so it’s a real possibility that he may not know he’s too rough.
I’ve just sort of tried to show by holding him back when it hurts or trying to push his hand away or passing comments about being sore after. Or when I’ve said ‘it’s too much’ or ‘I can’t take it’ maybe I didn’t say it assertively enough.
Because the one time I was in serious pain he did stop and apologise and say he didn’t want to hurt me. I haven’t said ‘get off me’ or cried or anything like that so maybe he just doesn’t realise.
But he’s so understanding with everything else so I can’t see him not understanding when I tell him as he’s super protective of me generally. But if it did continue the way it is (certainly after what everyone has said) I would definitely end the relationship.
I know everyone has their sexual preferences and I’m more than open to discuss with him but he really doesn’t seem to want to discuss them with me.
Does anyone have any idea about why he hasn’t admitted what he likes when I’ve brought it up before? It’s just he was so adamant and serious when he said he just wants to please me maybe he really doesn’t realise it’s too rough and thinks it’s normal. Or am I just being naive again?
Germanzaddy: I had to take a class on men who abuse their girlfriends, and both the documentary we watched and the teacher said that in cases where the boyfriends have killed their girlfriends, a really high percentage of them had gone for the throat when they were abusing them — it’s a sign he will do more later.
Get out. Seriously.
FeistyBlueberry: He definitely is into being a dom and punishment and reward and just sadism in general.
But that doesn’t matter. The ONLY thing that matters is that he is HURTING YOU and you have said NO time and time again. Sure, he may be a great guy outside of the bedroom, but he is abusing you in your intimacy. If he is sweet and kind and loving to you outside of it, you stay. He knows this. He uses it.
There are PLENTY of nice, lovely men out there for you, ones who will be sweet and gentle with you both normally, romantically and intimately.
I went through something similar to you, and you need to know that you are just being manipulated. He may say he loves you, and maybe he truly thinks he does. But the fact that he is constantly disrespecting your wishes and being purely selfish with his sexual needs will leak into your daily life.
You deserve peace, comfort, and happiness. You already know what you need. And he isn’t the one who will give it to you.
Nousernamemyfriend: I hope this is a troll, but if not… This asshole enjoys hurting you. Period. If you were into it that would be fine (he should ask though if you’re into it before he does it). But you hate it and have told him to stop and it just makes him do it more. if I were you, I’d be gone, but you sound like someone that is going to take it because he’s just so fucking sweet (when he’s not purposely hurting you that is). So here is what I’m going to tell you to do, tell him to never continue to do something you don’t like during sex or you will leave him. Period. And then the first time he pushes deeper or hurts you in some way, tell him to get the fuck off and leave him forever.
mulesfuksub: Sounds like bdsm behavior and he gets off on harming you and doesn’t like when you feel pleasure. But a bdsm relationship has to consensual in both ends. You have to have a previous discussion on what you’re ok with and not ok with. But this wasn’t done. Also he might have been with another partner that did enjoy all those things. You need to sit him down and tell him exactly what’s happening. What’s painful and what you can’t handle. Also be clear if he crosses your boundaries jokingly or not he’s got to go. I notice a lot of people use that as an excuse when they push a boundary… Oh I was just joking… That’s not ok.
shebitesallday: Have not read all the other comments but my first thought is, is he from another culture by chance?
I think a lot of men believe that sex is painful for women and that’s just how it is naturally, but that somehow they enjoy that pain. It’s an archaic viewpoint but has sometimes been portrayed that way even in movies, and especially in older times.
Some cultures that aren’t as forward thinking or open about sexuality (or informative about how to please women) still believe that way.
inkyfeminist: His sweetness outside of the bedroom doesn’t buy him the right to be shitty in intimate situations. Your boyfriend is a borderline rapist. He deliberately, knowingly hurts you even after you’ve tried to set limits. Do not let this man touch you again.
badatestimating12345: Just echoing everyone else, your boyfriend is abusing you. You need to either immediate dump him or sit him down and have a very clear conversation that your relationship will not continue with his behavior. Sex will only occur when you’re enjoying it and he is putting the effort into making sure you enjoy it. What he is into is irrelevant for the purposes of this conversation.
nwofoxhound: Next time you give him a blowjob, bite his dick and keep doing it even if he says stop. Assuming he’s not full msochistic psycho, he’ll get the message. Sex is a two way street and it sounds like he’s taking up both lanes
Sophie-Anhalt-Zerbst: You are only 6 months in to this seriously get out before he seriously injures you. He is deliberately hurting you and you deserve better than this.
Areiesanagram: Okay I’m gonna play devils advocate here.
First off, I think some may be taking it a little far with the rape-y accusations just because your dude likes super rough kinky sex and he jumped out of a door way and scared you.
( I’m going to give you my personal opinions based on my sexual preferences and experiences. You are totally entitled to disagree. But I’m hoping to offer an alternative perspective. ) It sounds to me like you guys have not had an adult discussion about sexual needs and desires. And most importantly boundaries, I personally think that at some point in a relationship once you start branching out of vanilla-type sex and branching off into the kinkier side, boundaries need to be discussed. I would say a lot of people who like rough sex, also like the element of pain within reason. Myself included. All of the things your boyfriend is doing are things I personally like. BUT I wouldn’t be okay with the extent he’s taking it to UNTIL we discussed the boundaries. He may think you’re into it. But you’ll never know FOR SURE until you guys discuss it. Once it’s discussed you have two options- decide that you are not sexually compatible and end the relationship- or stay together and set some guidelines. At which point you will truly be able to get a picture for what he’s looking for and if he’s willing to stick to what he’s agreed to. And if not, I would definitely say at that point you should go. Good luck
tasman70: Just be firm with him and tell him no lube no sex
ecstatic_feel: From what you have described its no doubt that he is into BDSM. Having real handcuffs (and chains) and having strict preference on whom should tie whom is clear cut indication of his inclination towards bondage. Orgasm denial, intention of hitting cervix while thrusting and dominating personality indicate his inclination towards sadism and domination. The fact is that most of the readily available BDSM porn is rough like really really rough. Do some homework and figure out how similar is your style of sex and BDSM porn. I hypothesis that he developed a split personality with gentle and caring personality at the base with sadist and dominating personality developed on top.
One more thing I observed that he likes your reaction from his action which causes you pain. Your reaction is some sort of positive feedback for him. So should you stop reacting when you are in pain? No absolutely not. This will lead in more intensified action from him to get your reaction. Instead give him a negative reaction which could be shrieking when in pain or telling him straight that you don’t enjoy this sensation. Will this alone work? Nope. The most important part is that you have to give him positive feedback (**tons of it**) when you feel pleasure or when you like what he is doing. I repeat give **loads of** moans, heavy breathing (subtle, he may not notice), tightly grasping his body etc.. Only giving negative feedback will make him frustrated. This will hopefully make sex less painful.
PS: I really don’t like the multitude of comments in this sub telling OP to ditch the guy. Nobody is pure white. We all have some shade of gray inside. Sorry the crappy English, its not my first language.
Thatdude69er: No way I’m reading all this.