[Advice] I (F/21) don’t have an interest in sex. I find it boring and emotionally uncomfortable.
Looking for advice here. I got out of a relationship a couple months ago where my partner had a high sex drive and I had little to none.
I wish it wasn’t my innate response but I found him getting turned on by me uncomfortable and his excitement towards sex kind of grossed me out. If we play wrestled he would get horny and we would have to stop because he wanted to have sex. I found this difficult because I just wanted to fool around with my partner a bit, maybe kiss and stuff.
I know I sound like a little kid being grossed out. I’m really embarrassed that’s my reaction. I just feel so violated…. I’ve had two sexual partners before. One had a lower sex drive so I didn’t feel as uncomfortable but my more recent relationship he could have had sex a few times a day and I’d want sex maybe once a month tops.
What do you guys do if you have a incredibly low sex drive? I tried giving handjobs/blowjobs to my ex whenever he wanted pretty much but eventually i got so uncomfortable with that I had to stop and it even made me less interested and less comfortable in sex.
I’m so sad I have a low sex drive. I feel like I’ll never be enough for my partner. It really fucks with me knowing I am going to be a disappointment sexually. I’m the type of girl people on here complain about :(.
TL;DR: i dont like sex and it makes me very uncomfortable, efforts to please partner made it worse
Megaanonxx: Have you had any negative past experience with sex that could turn you away from it now?
Or another question, are you on any sort of hormonal contraceptive?
If you’re unable to get in the mood, or have a hormone imbalance, it’s completely understandable to not want sexual contact.
Another good idea is maybe self exploration in non invasive ways to see what feels good and to help give you that turned on feeling (dry humping/grinding, touching yourself through your underwear, etc).
I used to be the same way when I was SUPER in shape and on birth control. My sex drive was nonexistent and I could easily go months without sex. Now? A week is a challenge.
Serana_Sky: It’s possible that you’re on the asexuality spectrum. You can really only determine it for yourself, but maybe take a look at [AVEN](http://wiki.asexuality.org/Main_Page) (asexuality visibility and education network) and see if anything clicks.
Also, did you find that you were very emotionally or physically attracted to any of your past partners? If not, that could be a factor in the “grossed out” feeling.
Bottom line, there’s nothing wrong with you!
tzucon: I’ll point out the obvious: there is nothing wrong with having no interest in sex. If you feel that past trauma needs to be resolved, then please talk to a therapist. However, lack of sexual interest (a sexuality I think) isn’t an issue to be fixed. If you don’t like sex, then you don’t.
helloWorld-1996: Since you’ve experienced such horrendous acts against you in a sexual manner, I would say that what you need is an understanding partner whom you can talk to about your experiences and your feelings about all this. – The right partner will, even if he gets horny for you, keep it down if he knows you’re uncomfortable with it, and be supportive of you. You never need to do anything sexually for anybody else. If you play-wrestle with somebody, you don’t have to stop just because it makes them horny, and you don’t have to do anything about their horniness either. You should both be able to just ignore it if it’s not comfortable for you.
I’m sure with the right support and comfort around sex, you’ll naturally be less grossed out by it with time. – Not necessarily want it more, but not be grossed out by it. I take it as a compliment if I turn people on, even if I don’t feel like doing anything about it.
Cybralisk: Nothing wrong with having no sex drive, you will just have to find a man that has no or little interest in having sex.
hifivebro91: I feel like you just need to find the right person who makes you comfortable and brings that side out of you. If ur sex drive doesnt meet there expectations and its a problem for them than it isnt the person you want to invest your time into. There are plenty of guys who feel as you do so you will find one. Also “they” say emotional connection is whats important for most women sooo maybe ur emotionally not available. maybe your partners haven’t connected on an emotional level with you. Or maybe theres a part of you you have to work on. Maybe a therapist or maybe even some other methods of getting into your psychy could help.
socorra: I can’t relate because I have a very high sex drive but I think there’s nothing you can do if sex makes you uncomfortable other than find the right person who either a) is willing to compromise and have much less sex than he’d like to because he finds everything else be about you worth it or b) has a closer sex drive to yours. Unfortunately mismatching libido is a pretty common problem in relationships and it can cause rifts and resentment if not properly communicated and resolved.
Surprisingly I’ve had the opposite problem historically, where I tend to date men with very low libidos – not just lower than me, but lower than the average male lol. Just my luck.
amethystmelange: If you masturbate, your “innate sex drive” is unlikely to be the issue. More likely, you’ve just been with guys who turned you off sex, and your libido would be fine with a compatible partner.
IMO it’s totally normal (and even integral, in LTRs) to want to be able to enjoy physical intimacy without sex SOMETIMES. I love the cuddle sessions that turn into more. But if they needed to turn into more 100% of the time, I’d be turned off, too. I think it’s unhealthy for anyone to expect that physical intimacy must always escalate to sex, because then nobody would dare initiate physical intimacy if they didn’t want to fuck right away, so the relationship would get stale real quick.