When sex lasts too long…..how to end it?
So this may be unusual but I’ve only had long term sexual relationships with two guys in my life. And both of them take forever to cum. It sort of gets into my head that maybe the problem is me and that I’m ugly or something is wrong with me. The first guy was self centred and there wasn’t good communication. Most of my friends IRL complain about the opposite problem.
The current guy is in general really really good….but a lot of the times doesn’t cum. Last time we hooked up we were going at it with variations between oral and sex for three hours. I can only cum so many times before things dry up and I’m just kind of done.
What’s the best, non-mood ruining way to say “hey, if you aren’t going to cum in the next ten minutes, can we just stop because this is just starting to hurt”?
Starfucker0: The common sense is that a men has to come during sex, but if you come to the point where is totally fine that is “one of these days” where it just not gonna happen. sex will be more chill. I mean it’s totally fine for women to have sex, enjoying it, have fun even when they don’t come. Same is true for men, or at least for me. Sometimes it’s just really hard to come and as long as the sex goes on the pressure rise in his mind from minute to minute which makes it even harder to come. Today I had the same “problem” with my GF. We had sex in the morning, I noticed it’s hard to me to finish so we stopped went to get breakfast and just started later a second round where I came quite fast.
Just make it clear it’s ok not to come and that you enjoy the sex anyway
Zuberii: This is called delayed ejaculation, and is something I struggle with. Even masturbating usually takes me 20+ minutes. Sometimes I have to call it quit due to fatigue, and sometimes my partners have to call it quits as well.
The important thing is that when you call it quits, he understand why. You don’t want him thinking you didn’t like the sex, or are upset at him. Saying “I’m starting to hurt” should be just fine. You may also suggest other activities like watching him masturbate. Letting him know you WANT him to finish should go a long way to making him feel okay. He can do the work while you watch and make noises of encouragement, and maybe he can finish on you somewhere. Still very intimate.
If he then can’t finish, he should realize its his body that is at fault. I often get frustrated at mine when that happens. But there’s no reason for him to get upset at you.
Cymas: It’s not you! My current casual partner is the same way. He takes a very long time; sometimes he even gets tired and stops on his own. But he’s always told me we can stop whenever I want. He’s definitely aware it’s a problem, and I really appreciate that he never puts any pressure on me to make it happen. Sometimes we’ll just take a break for a little while and then go again, but only if I initiate. Other times we’re just done for the night.
Your guy knows he takes forever. Just let him know sometimes it’s too much for you. I’m sure he’d rather not feel like he’s forcing you for the sake of finishing, but you need to speak up and tell him when you’ve hit your limits.
kunderwhere: “Can we take a break, I’m starting to get sore?”
Also, it’s probably his masturbatory habits, not you, causing the delay. It’s worth a discussion if it’s impacting your sex life. But that discussion should be 100% out of the moment – something you bring up in regular conversation when sex isn’t happening, just happened, or is imminent.
SixStringerSoldier: I’ve got marathon stamina with my current partner, and have had the same chemistry with two other women previously. It’s got nothing to do with physical attraction, it’s just how we fit together.
She’ll give me an occasional warning that it’s time to wrap things up. This is when we ramp up the dirty talk and switch to a position that gets me off.
This is mainly his issue, and its largely psychological, but there are some things you can do to help.
After you’ve had an orgasm, switch positions a few times. Change the speed and rhythm, start asking questions. It won’t happen instantly, but you guys will find a position & angle that does it for him.
“You like that?” Seems cliche but it’s direct, and answering it doesn’t take any real thought.
If he says yes, ask more specific questions. Get him talking about what turns him on (visuals, pressure, ECT)
Ask if he wants to cum on you (face, boobs, whatever). Even if you’re not game for it, the offer can be more than enough.
Sometimes, as other posters have mentioned, a short break can be key. Take a minute to use the bathroom, have a cigarette if you smoke, maybe grab a glass of water. This takes some of the sexual urgency out of the situation, while also allowing blood that was forced into the core and leg muscles to return to normal circulation. Psychological & physical comfort are key.
Best of luck. If all else fails, buy lube.
enjoyoutdoors: I think you already said the best thing there is to say. Because, you know. That is the ultimate truth. Carry on, and there will be chafing. Chafing hurts. You don’t want that. So, if he wants to get blown and done, you are definitely getting near the end of that chance.
I’ve been kind of like he is. Lasting forever and forever. And what got me to rethink it was that she started to ask me to be done. I realized that I had to change.
If you want to put the request out there in a way he might actually appreciate, tell him that you want to feel him blowing a load. That you want to feel the pulsating pumping inside you. But, perhaps give him more than ten minutes to make it happen. Suggest it already when you are kind of done anyway half an hour sooner.
Ruining the mood is, perhaps, in a way kind of a good thing. You want him to get a kind of gentle slap in the face so that he changes his ways.
AsAlwaysItDepends: Have you read the orgasm troubles section of our FAQ? Also the communication section?
I suggest you read them both and then have a talk with him about it. There is nothing at all whatsoever wrong with wanting to stop sex because you’re uncomfortable. I would imagine that he wouldn’t want to have sex with you if your uncomfortable.
So I think the best thing to do is talk to him about it when your pants are on and bring up all these feelings you have and give him space to talk about his and then ask him how he’d like you to handle it.
letgo2599: same thing happens with my boyfriend! I generally ask if he’s close and if he says yes then stick it out but otherwise i just tell him it’s starting to hurt and he’ll stop and finish himself off with visual help from me. he sometimes gets too fatigued to keep doing it himself so he’ll stop on his own. but he totally understands when i tell him it’s starting to hurt, so im sure your man would too!
Mr_Spaz: You know, men don’t actually have to orgasm every single time we have sex. I certainly don’t. There’s a variety of reasons why: maybe I’ve already came earlier in the evening and this is our second or third session, maybe the condom takes some of the feeling away, maybe we got really vigorous and I’m out of breath, maybe we just woke up and we’re having first-thing-in-the-morning sex, or maybe I’m just not feeling it for whatever reason. The reason doesn’t really matter though. I still enjoy those sessions when I don’t cum. Sex is better when its about the journey, not the destination.
If you’re starting to get sore and you want to stop, you can just say that.
greedymage: Brief conversation ahead of time:
“Hey babe, you’re a stud and I love it, but my bits can only take so much. So from now on, when I say ‘can you cum for me?’ or ‘I want you to cum for me’, I mean it. But I also mean ‘This has been great but I’m down to my last layer of skin, let’s wrap this up soon.'”
Good communication can still be sexy. And if he’s close, you can always offer to finish him another way. But if he’s having real trouble and you’re exhausted, you have no obligation to continue participating beyond the point of enjoyment.
PotOfGreed98: I think the answer is simpler than you think. When it gets uncomfortable, you look at your man and say “hey, this is starting to hurt I need to stop” or some variation of that.
Ideally you’re comfortable enough with each other to speak honestly and communicate that without hard feelings. Let him know it was good but you can only go so long, he will (hopefully) understand.
nextmanonthemoon: >that I’m ugly or something is wrong with me.
Don’t! As for your first guy, well you said it, selfish and no communication.
As for your current guy, ever asked him why he can last so long? Is it extraordinary stamina and self control? Or a result from (bad) masturbation habbits (e.g. death grip)?
If he is that good as you say, then I have no doubt that when you say to him, that you’re getting sore (or something like that) then I’m pretty sure he’ll stop.
Whatchamathing: I would discuss this outside of the bedroom – he might well keep going that long because he’s got the idea in his head that longer is always better and that you want him too! Presumably he doesn’t want to keep going if you’re no longer into it/getting sore, so maybe just ask him how he’d like you to let him know that you are going toward done. There are probably sexy ways to bring the point across so that he either gets there or knows to wrap things up if he’s not going to get there.
Xoryp: A few people have touched on it, sometimes he is just not going to cum. That is normal, the first time it happened to me [28m] as a teenager i faked cumming after about 2 hrs because i felt inadequate. As and adult i now just tell my partner “its not going to happen” when i am to fatigued. Usually if I am experiencing this the best fix is a break. Even just 10 mins has been enough and them cumming happens fairly quick. Just be honest and say it hurts or your fatigued (tired) and a good partner will understand.
finmeister: He could have death grip from masturbation and no woman on earth will ever be tight enough to get him there because no vagina on earth can squeeze as tight as a hand. He could take meds like SSRIs that cause this. He could just be one of those guys. Or maybe he believes that women WANT 3 hr sessions – I had a guy like this once.
Tell him sometime when you’re not having sex or about to “Hey, I love having sex with you, it’s awesome. But sometimes it lasts a little too long and I start getting sore. I can still enjoy sex if I don’t orgasm, I won’t take it personally if you don’t. Is there something I should know, or something that turns you on that we aren’t doing?”
If he freaks out, he’s a child and you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with him anyway.
PencilorPen: If he does not cum and you are really at your end point, I think it is best if you help him some other way. Oral might be good here or just a nice slow hand job, maybe with lube. He is going to need to cum after working hard for you, so give him a hand.
alexnacz: Ask him if he wants to take a break. And tell him to stop watching porn so often.
B0h1c4: Take a break and alternate very sloppy wet oral with a vigorous hand job while keeping your face very close to his dick. Use your other hand to push on his shaft low between his balls.
That does it for me.
ChaosKilledDinos94: I get this problem too. My partner was my first sexual partner and I also at first thought it was me. Then I realized that it takes a long time to get me to cum and that is probably the same with other people male or female. I would hop off and go down on him, ask him to handle himself for you while you two kiss, ask him to jerk off onto you, or do a mutual masturbation thing. Or just let him know you’re getting sore and need a break and/or suggest one of the above or your fave non-PIV sexual thing to do. I told my BF recently that I needed a break because my pussy was getting sore, he asked why it was sore and I told him straight up because it had been taking a beating for some time and needed a break. Phrasing it that way seemed to kind of please him (I said it in a flirty way) and I hopped off and we did something else then were able to go back to PIV after some time. I think if you make it playful and honest (and not a big deal) he will take it that way and won’t think of it as a big deal.