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Feeling rejected physically by my partner.
I’ve been with my partner for the better part of 4 years now. I have also lived with him at different stages though out the relationship. We are both 26, heaps in common, but feel that we are just so… sexually incompatible, I guess? When we first met, our physical chemistry was definitely something that made me want to be with him, it was such an intense connection. Now, it’s completely non existent. I feel like we are missing out on so much because of it. We aren’t close anymore.
I have a pretty high sex drive. He doesn’t. But, he doesn’t like to talk about it or try to even address it either. Every time I try to initiate contact, he pushes me away. Or for example, if I jump on top of him, he will tell me to hop back off. It’s always “I feel sick”, or “I’m too tired”. I e stopped trying now and I feel so sad about it. He says his inability to be intimate with me is due to stress.
But at the same time, I haven’t seen him do anything to combat this stress. It’s almost like he is content with it, or content using it as an excuse for something much deeper.
What am I supposed to do? Is it selfish of me to want all of that despite what he is facing at the moment?
I don’t think I can handle a two kiss (pecks) a day kind of relationship. My flame is being buried and my self esteem is at its lowest. I feel so rejected and honestly don’t remeber the last time he made me feel good about myself. And yes, I have told him how I feel. It’s like nothing matters, because again, he is too stressed.
I think I’m just venting, but would love to know if I’m being selfish or completely rational? Because last time I checked, intimacy and sexual activity with a partner are such important factors in a relationship.
I have caught him in the past looking up other girls, girls that he knows or used to date etc. And have even witnessed him screenshotting photos of said girls. So maybe he is just unattracted to me and won’t admit it.
He has struggled with anxiety. But so do I, except my anxiety makes me want to be closer to him and confide in him. There hasn’t even been foreplay in over 6 months. I’m at a loss. He just won’t touch me. He knows how I feel about it too. He hates how much I do discuss it, if anything.
TakeItOrLeaveItIDC: You’re being completely rational and you may want to check out r/deadbedrooms as well.
Edit: this is a tedx video well worth watching:
freakytoad: Hi Lozoner, been in your shoes. I (m 45) Was in an 18 year marriage that was almost entirely void of any intimacy. Like your partner, my ex (f 47) was “stressed” or had anxiety or there was something else that she would attribute her demeanor towards me too. Forget about sex; there was literally almost no physical contact. I suggested couples counseling and she had no interest. I suggested she find a therapist to help her with these issues multiple times to no avail (I was seeing a therapist at the time which helped me cope immeasurably). I’m not sure what the root cause of your partner’s issues are but I can tell you from personal experience that these are HIS issues, not yours. Clearly, you love him. Having said this, if he doesn’t tackle his issues head-on, then candidly, he’s being selfish (and I say the same to you about you tackling your issues head-on). This may sound harsh, but it took me a long time to understand this. Staying mentally healthy is just as important as staying physically healthy. Unfortunately, there are still so many stigmas associated with being in therapy that a lot of people (including my ex who ironically was a clinical social worker) are more concerned that other people will think less of them or it will reflect badly on them. From my personal experience, I don’t think giving him an ultimatum is going to help the situation. You can only ask him so many times and it’s up to him to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to go through life stressed and anxious. What YOU can do, however, is work on yourself. If you aren’t seeing a therapist, I highly urge you to. You made one statement in your post that I’d like to point out; “I feel so rejected and honestly don’t remeber the last time he made me feel good about myself.” That was me to a T. I took it all personally. It made me sad, it frustrated me…candidly, it made me feel like absolute shit. We all need to be responsible for our own happiness and this is where self-love comes in. And for some people, practicing self-love is very, very hard. But, one thing I can tell you with certainty (and I was not a believer when I started this journey), if you can separate your partners hurtful behavior from your feelings about yourself, that is the first step in figuring out what to do next. I was unable to do that until after we separated…I needed the distance and the perspective because after 18 years of a fucked up marriage with sex less than fifty times (yes, less than fifty times over 18 years, including having three kids) and absolutely no intimacy, I was too beaten down. Once I was outside of the relationship and back in therapy, I was able to see very clearly that she was always going to hide behind her issues because candidly, she doesn’t want to do the work to be happy on her own. Fast forward…for the past two years, I’ve been in a relationship with the most amazing woman. Like everyone in the world, she has her own issues. But guess what!? She owns them. She doesn’t deny them. She tackles them head on. We have not only become best friends, but the sex and intimacy is out of this world and it keeps getting better. We are partners in the true sense; we take responsibility for ourselves and we’re there to support each other grow in becoming the best possible versions of ourselves…if that makes any sense. Sorry for the long ramble. I hope some of what I said helps. Feel free to DM me.
Giraffesrockyeah: My marriage ended because of this. My ex husband did have a demanding job and I tried to be understanding but I got to the stage where I couldn’t take it anymore. Like you say I missed the sex but the worst thing was the lack of intimacy and I kind of felt like I was invisible and certainly not sexy.
26 is far too young to be in this situation…
Criss_Crossx: I have a similar issue with my GF. Been together over two years and this year has been a huge change for both of us. New jobs, school, new location, new home, and very few friends. I have the higher sex drive and have told her the fact we are down to barely having sex once a week is depressing. I feel like there is something wrong with me even though I know there isn’t. Trying to be as respectful and honest as I can, she has some self image/weight issues she struggles with too. These issues bother me as well because I want her to be happy, but I can tell she suppresses them frequently. I love her and want her for who she is.
I get that my stress level is really bad these days, but so is hers. And things don’t seem to be letting up.
When we first started dating it took me a long time to get over my performance anxiety and other sexual-mental blocks. Then I finally got past all of it and was happy with myself for finally being able to enjoy myself. Now is a whole different animal and I don’t know what to do. I feel like almost everything has crashed and where we started with our relationship was very good.
Everyone here is not alone. I too have thought about splitting up but there is a lot at stake for me. I don’t know how she would take it (and probably not very well at all).
Then again we have moments where we still connect with each other between work and school. Those are what I hold on to.
K-Dave: This is a brutal situation, which I know very well. I’ve tried for years to fix it with her, but I wished I had reacted earlier. I loved her, but my frustration has been growing to a point, where it started to be unhealthy for us both. Don’t waste your lifetime on someone, who can give you what you need, especially when you’re confident that you’ve tried everything before to turn it around.
Throw-Awaya1b2: Confession: Exactly this happened to me and my ex. You guys need to go to counseling. If you don’t fix this it will kill your soul.
If he won’t go or if you two can’t adapt and satisfy each other again after 6-9 months, then it’s time to separate.
Sad, I know. I loved her more than anything but something inside her died and I couldn’t bring it back to life.
Amused_man: Your first sentence almost made me think my girlfriend had gotten on Reddit haha. We are both 26,4 years in, and have had some ups and downs with sex and our relationship in general this year that have been hard on both of us. Go figure she has also been living with me on and off and this year is finally finishing her degree and moving in for good per se. So random but we essentially are in a very very similar situation haha.
As that may be, I don’t want you to think this is for sure what is going through his head ( no clue how your bf is day to day ), but maybe can provide some helpful points to think about.
1. failure to communicate. We had a lot of communication problems last year that in turn manifested in ugliness this year. Though she is drop dead gorgeous, she hasn’t had a lot of drive at times and her not seemingly trying to push herself (where I push myself way too much) was kind of turning me off and a little bit away from the relationship. On top of that, where I wanted to get kinkier in certain ways, it never seemed I could talk to her about it the right way and was starting to feel bored to be honest. Thist point I’m finally feeling like I can talk to her now (and this weekend start implementing), but that took working through a lot of different things that we weren’t talking about first.
2. low self-esteem. I’d almost say low libido /testosterone but I was still masturbating fairly consistently even after we’d have sex sometimes so I’d be inclined to say no. The theme I’m more trying to get at was that I was letting myself go a little too much in the working out / fitness realm and it was really starting to weigh on me. Almost went 6 months without working out and was just feeling lazy, didn’t have endurance, and just felt down in general from letting work take my life over too much. I’d say this was the biggest thing for me when I’d turn down my gf because i just felt like a turd and I’d get into my own head when she would try to initiate and then I’d be too busy thinking about my fat ass rather then her sweet ass. However Started getting into a workout regimen consistently and this has almost completely gone away now.
3. Differences that get more attention then before. When you first fall for someone like this, I didn’t care / really think about differences between certain traits of her or me because like you said, the chemistry was just so strong that nothing really ever impeded us getting intimate. After 3 years though, you start to notice more things then you’d wish sometimes, especially if there are strains on the relationship. Though I can be very social, I am an introvert in definition because I need alone time to just figure stuff out and recharge. I didn’t understand the extent of this until she’d start getting mad that I wouldn’t text her every single day / call to just have that daily sync while we were a few hours away from each other. I wasn’t trying to go out and be a sleez, i was usually sitting at my computer zoned out on developing websites or writing music. This was a huge divide that because of #1 above, started to create a riff that we weren’t handling well. This has been an issue from last year and only now we have we gotten a decent understanding of what each person needs.
I tried to not go to deep down the rabbit hole but hopefully that gives you some perspective on your own relationship. Happy to talk more more and here if you need it.
At the end of the day, communication is the key and sadly sometimes it may just be more incompatibility then the relationship can handle. Just depends how hard each person wants to work at it. Best of luck!
If you are with the same person for a while with no obstacles threatening your access to sex, then your sex life will lose passion.
Catanians: My girlfriend and I went through something similar in the last 4 months, my job ended and I moved back to town (we were doing a long distance relationship) and I was feeling depressed and a little rejected. (She was supposed to have moved up with me a year ago, but got a promotion she couldn’t turn down). So my sex drive took a complete nose dive. Which made her feel rejected. When my sex drive recovered hers stayed dead. I have spent the last couple months trying to slowely encourage her by being affectionate and talking to her, making her feel better emotionally. Last Friday night we had an amazing 2 hour session and since then she has been much more physically affectionate. But it’s only been a few days.
Long story short, going through similar situation. My strategy has been to shower her with non pushy affection and encouragement. Seen progress but no definitive solution.
sauron017: It sounds like he just overall has a lower libido than you.
I guess you could say I am probably similar to your BF. Ive been with my wife for 10 years, and she would want it more than I can physically arouse myself to give her.
We had a few rough patches, but we bought toys and experimented a little. I started taking Viagra which helps me get a decent erection without much arousal and after all this it keeps her satisfied. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
icyrabbit: I (32m) have a similar problem with my (29f) gf. Got a high sex drive, she doesn’t. Every time I try to initiate something sexual, 90% of the time it fails.
Some tricks I’ve found:
-Bath before sex increases my odds.
-Talking with a lot of positive energy and making jokes also helps her relax.
-A glass of wine relaxes her even more.
Other things you may try, maybe watch a movie or whatever relaxes him the most, then try your sexuality on him 🙂
anon55666990: I can relate to how you said your self esteem is at it’s lowest. I am in a situation as well where I feel rejected, and this is my first relationship.
When I was younger I had very bad anorexia, as I got a little older it slowly stopped and I thought I had recovered. Now I’m in a relationship that makes me feel worthless because he doesn’t want sex or anything sexual. He will kiss me and hug me but that’s all he does, he always stops me if I try go further and it just makes me feel hurt. My eating disorder, after 3 or so years of it sleeping, has returned worse than before. I’ve never felt as insecure as I do now and I wish I never entered a relationship.
I’m at the point where I have decided to never let him touch me, kiss me, or hold my hand at all anymore in hopes he will leave me, and because it just makes me want more and I feel selfish for wanting more, and sad that he doesn’t.
If I found out he was looking at other girls like you said, it would break my heart. I don’t really have a solution for you OP, just maybe wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in feeling this.
Also you are not selfish, everyone wants to feel wanted.
My only advice would be to end this relationship, honestly, because although you may have points where the two of you make up and are okay for a while, it will just happen again and again like a cycle. I am praying for you OP that whatever happens you can find happiness and feel beautiful and loved someday.
eyecanseeyou2: reading your post was like you were writing about me ,all I know is keep after him he will either have an adult conversation with you or he doesn’t want to be with you or he is not in the same place as you are either way it still hurts so sorry hope things go well for you god bless
cocomontey: > EDIT** I have caught him in the past looking up other girls, girls that he knows or used to date etc. And have even witnessed him screenshotting photos of said girls. So maybe he is just unattracted to me and won’t admit it.
This is a pretty big piece of the puzzle. He clearly still has sexual desires. He might be:
– concerned with non-performance. Was he ‘bad’ in bed?
– losing his attraction to you
– hooked to porn, fantasies or pictures? If he is, he will be too drained to engage in actual sex successfully
piachalifa: Hey girly! I completely understand what you mean. My boyfriend was EXACTLY the same way. Every time I would ask him why he wasn’t in the mood when I was he would also say that he’s tired or he would just push me away.
I suggest you try to keep a little distance from him and I don’t mean show no affection to him at all. So for example, let him initiate, instead of you having to come up to him, have him come to you. Be a little bit of a tease. Make him want to touch you, hug you, and kiss you. Then he’ll just be allll over you 🙂
And let me tell ya girly, it worked for me 😉
We had sex twice last night and the day before
So try that!
Wanderlustskies: Seriously my situation with my ex was almost the exact same. It sucked!! It was definitely one of the major downfalls of our relationship, and I definitely felt relieved after. also excited at the thought of being with someone I can feel free about sex with!!
SoloRound: Hi there- unfortunately I don’t have any great advice for you, but I just felt like your situation’s got a lot in common with something I’m currently dealing with, and I felt compelled to tell you you’re not alone.
I’ve been seriously struggling with the sex aspect of my current relationship for a while now. I’ve been wanting to post about it here or in r/relationships but haven’t felt up to it…but reading your post at least made me feel a little less alone. My comment is probably going to get buried, but if you read it OP- I hope it helps you to feel less alone, too.
I’m glad you came here to “vent” and that I found your post. If you want to talk about it any more, please feel free to pm me. If nothing else maybe we can feel some catharsis by talking about our problems with someone who is in a similar way?
breadandbunny: Reading this made me sad. It doesn’t sound like he wants you at all. Find you a man that *wants* to have sex with you. It’s an important part of being in a relationship, and you’re not going to be happy with this dude long term if he’s gonna stay like this.
torbjorn_bradda: Hace you made an appointment for couples therapy? It helped my marriage immensely!
Juicyfruit209: I (23F) feel the same way about my (24M) fiance… we are just sexual incompatible. he likes to make out and I don’t. But for me I think its just the though of making out with him that ruins it. 5, almost 6 years later im done with this relationship. he wants sex constantly and I never get a break. he complains and throws a fit when we dont have sex.
Its like a job now to try to get in the mood and do it. but i have no problem thinking about other men and getting in the mood..kinda sucks and i kind of feel bad about it but it is what it is i guess.
csajhr: Can’t speak from a woman’s point of view, but from a man’s point of view…
It’s not stress. He’s not tired. He didn’t have a low sex drive.
He either isn’t physically attracted to you anymore (have you changed, physically?), is horribly addicted to porn (does he like to stay up late after you go to bed, or does he have a lot of time at home alone when you aren’t there?), or he’s sleeping with someone else.
It’s possible it’s something else, but Occam’s razor, it’s one of those three things. The first two you can do something about, but you have to talk to him.