New boyfriend makes me feel uncomfortable about taking my bra off
So, I (32F) have been dating someone new (30M) for ~3 months, and we’ve had sex pretty much from the start. He actually puts a lot of effort into telling me how much he likes me, spending time with me, how I look, etc., but at the same time a few comments about my breasts/bra have started to make me feel uncomfortable about taking my bra off.
I haven’t had kids, but my breasts are fairly large (E cup) and my weight has fluctuated a lot in the past, so in combination with age, gravity and mediocre genetics, this has left me with saggy boobs. I don’t like how they look, but none of my previous boyfriends ever made me feel bad about them.
My new boyfriend, however…it started out with him asking me if I had ever thought about a breast reduction. He was quick to add that he was perfectly happy with my boobs, and that this was just about back pain and stuff. This in itself wouldn’t have bothered me, but the topic of my bra kept coming up during sex. He would tell me repeatedly that I could leave my bra on during sex if I wanted to. This really started to make me feel uncomfortable with taking it off. To top this off, he recently outright told me to just leave my bra on.
I guess this is kind of ridiculous, but I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t even know how to address this. My breasts are very sensitive, and I want them to be a part of sex. At the same time, I really feel self-conscious about them by now, which isn’t exactly helpful. I can’t really ask him whether he’s turned off by my boobs, because he’d never admit this, and even if he did, there’s nothing I can do about them.
Yeah. Just wanted to know if anyone has an idea what to do about this.
tl;dr: new boyfriends makes weird comments about my (saggy) breasts and leaving my bra on during sex, suggesting he’d prefer not to see them. Not sure how to deal with this.
edit: Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate that a lot of people pointed out different interpretations for his behavior. He might very well be honestly concerned that taking my bra off is uncomfortable for me, and I’ll talk to him with this assumption in mind, rather than suspecting that he’s turned off by my boobs. Thanks again for your encouragement and your support, everyone.
SixFiftyEightSpark: Yeah, you should definitely tell him how this makes you feel.
It could be a misunderstanding… I mean, my boyfriend likes underwear and he’s often asked me to keep my bra and panties on. He likes to remove my panties himself, it’s his thing. As for my bra, he’ll often take a boob out to touch/lick/whatever… But he’s made it very clear how much he likes doing this and I never felt it was cuz my boobs are sagging (they are, I’m a F cup and have had 6 kids).
While I don’t mind indulging him with this, I told him I like to be braless during sex. The bra gets uncomfortable with all the moving around and pulling out my tits. He will often take it off after a few minutes, cuz he doesn’t want me to feel restricted.
Maybe that’s not your guy’s deal, but my point is : tell him. Maybe bras are a turn on for him, or maybe he’s an inconsiderate asshole. Either way, you need to have a conversation about this.
thisisthebeastinme: Let his ass know your comfortable with them and he doesn’t need to tell you what to do with them. Explain to him how his comments made you feel let him know you never want to have the convo again. Seems like he’s insecure about something by constantly getting on you. Let them breast live girl no matter the size cause someone’s gunna love them.
redditunable: I don’t think he dislikes them, I think he is ham-handedly trying to sympathize with your problems. (I.e. he’s dumb rather than mean.)
lovebigtits6969: I’d just ask what’s the deal. I sometimes like a women to leave her bra on during sex but ends of coming off. If you love your breast and they do sound great screw him and move on.
Graburankles: I actually love saggy breast, however, I prefer to call them hanging breasts. Nothing sexier than leaning over when you’re on top and letting them hang or when you’re in doggy and they sway to and fro 😉
LikesItDirty: I think he might be trying to show concern for you in a really clumsy way. Speaking for guys, there is very little we understand about the female body. It’s not for lack of effort, we are just not very smart. We know that larger breasts can lead to back issues and really might think the support helps with your comfort. He might also think wearing bra will reduce further sagging, but I think there is some research that says that is not necessarily the case.
Talk to him and let him know that you have a positive body image, but some of his comments are undermining it.
FitMumofThree: Suggest he wears a gag during sex because you don’t like the words that fall out during sex
Momanatrixie: Girl, I’m an E cup as well. I breastfed for years. My weight had gone up and down. My boobs are sad. They still end up in hubby’s mouth, face and hands when we have sex. Find a guy that makes you feel like a goddess.
IBetOnLosingDogs7: I don’t think most people, when getting someone else naked, jumps to thinking about their possible back pain. At least not enough to mention things like this repeatedly. It’s not wrong of him to not like your boobs, but everyone deserves someone who thinks all of them is attractive. And he at least could keep his stupid mouth shut about it.
lilsebastianswaffles: I couldn’t sleep with someone like that. 🙁
mtfx: Guy here, chiming in to also add to the pile of comments that he is trying to let you be comfortable.
I know that large breasts can be uncomfortable. I dated a girl when I was young, her mom had F cup boobs. She always talked about how much her back hurt…she eventually got reduction surgery. So, in my head…when I see large breasts, all I think of, damn…those must hurt.
Us guys can be dopey. Him asking you if you have thought about breast reduction could really be as simple as him wanting you to be comfortable. I feel the combination of you already not being happy with your own breast appearance and (how I read it) his concern…could combine to you being defensive and more self conscious.
I know I dated a girl once…large breasted…and during sex, I would hold her boobs…she commented on how she loved that I was hands on. It was really because they were so large…when they slammed up and down, I thought she must be in a lot of discomfort…so I tried to hold them in place for her so they wouldnt hurt. :/ Sometimes, us guys have weird ways of showing care.
OP, its on your mind, so talk about it in a non sexual situation…youre both adults. It may be uncomfortable for him, so be patient. It may be uncomfortable for you, so be kind to yourself.
meltallica82: If I were you I’d make that new boyfriend my ex boyfriend.
Volpeculae: Could it possibly be that he just likes bras on? My boyfriend sometimes gets extremely horny when we go bra shopping even if it’s like a plain nude/white one. He likes the look I think and the fact that they contribute to hide something and leave it “unknown”. This said, most of the times he prefers it off, but sometimes I’ll just have it on during all the session. That’s also what is causing me to hoard a LOT of bras just because he likes the view 🙂
Talk to him eventually explaining how this comments made you feel. This will surely lead to some explaining and I’m sure it’ll be for the best. Good luck!
amethystmelange: > To top this off, he recently outright told me to just leave my bra on.
I’m tempted to suggest that the next time he says that, you tell him to leave his underwear on, too… 😉
In all seriousness, you should absolutely ask him what’s up with that behaviour of his. Very bizarre.
Atomic_Blonde_: Hey I’m in the same situation as you with the saggy ness do you always wear a bra? I’ve never taken mine off I’m so scared what guys would say
XenosHg: Well, honestly, people can get really fixated on some unrealized idea, especially when they don’t have a lot of experience and you have great boobs. Also, having a bra on doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t participate. Bras can be different, and they can be circumvented, and they look good, too. Done right, that can be a positive addition to your repertoire.
DJ1NF3RN0: A lot of people are jumping straight to “get rid of him” but this in NOT the right approach. However, the people that are telling you to communicate and talk to him, listen to them.
You don’t know for definite (I’m assuming, it sounds like you haven’t had a proper conversation yet) that he finds them a turn off, it could be any number of reasons. Talk to him. Find out WHY he’s saying what he is. It’s either something that can be fixed or not, but either way the conversation needs to happen first to find out. You can take the next steps and move on from there.
Swizzlestixxx: How come?
VampArcher: I’d just say outright tell him everything you’ve said here. Tell him his comments are making you uncomfortable and you’d like it to stop.
Have you asked why he does that?
Ilovetupacc: Im young ive always had saggy boobs cuz of birthcontrol… imma get a boob job and lift soon to be honest cuz it does bother me but Ive been in a commited relationship for years so it really shouldnt lol.
He could actually think you are truly uncomfortable with it. My boyfriend doesnt care but sometimes I think he does cuz he will let me keep my shit on sometimes but really hes just doing it because he thinks thats how I’m comfortable. Definitley just tell him like hey this doesnt bother me I dont want to wear my bra during sex and if it does bother him then he should give u the 12 grand to have a reduction. Lol jk obviously he should accept you for you which I am sure he does!
Ilovetupacc: Also if you havent had kids and want them tell him theres no point in getting a reduction because my doctor told me as soon as u gain more then 20 pounds theyll be back to being saggy (if he were to mention it again). I dont want to stress about not gaining weight i I get pregnant hell no.
Contivity: I’m a guy and the reason I’d say something like this is because out of concern. The first time might be a suggestion, but the longer I know someone, the more straightforward I’d be.
It’s like if you have a smoking friend, you might casually tell them “smoking is bad for you”. But when he/she becomes closer, you might start increasing the effort for that person to quit smoking.
It’s just my 2c.
nottylilpearl: Maybe he’s trying to be sensitive to your problem. Like, guys realize larger boobs can be a strain keeping a bra on helps with that, but yeah, the way he’s going about it would make me feel the same way. Talk to him about it and go from there. Hopefully, he’s just trying to be nice, but you won’t know until you talk to him.
emgaspar: Sorry if you’ve already answered this, but do you know anything about his past girlfriends? Were they all 22 year old size 4s? If he’s been with regular (ie, not bikini model) women then the explanation that he thinks you’re more comfortable with your bra on may make sense. If he’s just inexperienced with women and/or immature and/or has watched too much porn, he may just be in need of being dumped and replaced by someone who is comfortable with women who don’t have bodies like stereotypical porn stars. Best of wishes!
Newmarketlick: I think he is being selfish – I would worship your breasts, my wife is very self conscious about her body….and I never press to see her naked…..when I eat her, I am sometimes so turned on I cum in the sheets while eating her….he should love your breasts – sorry, but I think this is his bad, and hard to come back from it.
RickyAcid: It might be that he thinks he’s being nice. That he doesn’t want your breasts to hurt from all the movement. It might be a silly assumption but everyone in this thread is thinking it’s cause he doesn’t like her breasts when it could be that he wants her to feel more comfortable and is just a bad communicator.
Thy_Lord_Castiel: Is it a deal breaker? If yes, break up. If not, then accept he finds them a turn off.
My wife has me dye my hair. I’m 25 with a lot of white and grey. She doesn’t like it. Sucks, but whatever. I don’t like her feet, so she wears socks to bed. Sucks, but whatever
snowonelikesme: His a dick. Girl your breasts are not meant to defy gravity this is his issue not yours. So dont change or let someone shame you for it.
Now if you can move past his jerk behaviour sure date him but what about if thinks your too fat next or you should shave more at what point will he stop demending you change for his comfort
Nocoxs: As a guy the first thought to my mind came that it must be uncomfortable, especialy with that motion of intercourse, with all that moving. If he is anything like me, maybe he thinks that it is more comfortable for you with a bra, and does not mind you keeping them hidden?
My_Baby_Loves_Memes: I just want to say I love your positivity in the comments OP! Its a weird situation for you to be in for sure, but rather than dwell on the potential negative side you are staying upbeat.
As others have said… while body shaming is obviously wrong, it’s very likely he is just being awkward than mean. There’s a good chance you have the largest breats of anyone he has been with (good thing for most guys, obviously) and he is trying to show he cares about any discomfort that could cause.