What is the point to existence? Is Bigfoot real? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? These are some of life’s biggest questions. But none of them comes close to the ultimate mystery of the universe: the female orgasm. For millennia people have tried to understand this exciting yet elusive entity, and in my continuing attempt to teach you all about sex, now I am taking up the challenge. I’ve used my own extensive experience, along with talking with over a dozen co-workers and friends, to come up with some sex tips you won’t find in Cosmo or GQ.
You Are Going To Hate Hearing This … But, Yes, It May Be Your Fault
To get this out of the way in the beginning, it is true that some women, an estimated 10-15 percent, simply can’t orgasm. But if you are sleeping with a woman and she isn’t climaxing, that means there is an 85-90 percent chance you are doing something wrong. First of all, you better be doing more than just jackhammering away. A whopping 75 percent of women will NEVER orgasm from penetrative sex alone. This might be why 67 percent of women admit to occasionally faking orgasms. That’s not necessarily terrible; sometimes we do it to make you happy and there is some evidence that faking it may even make sex more pleasurable than just plain not having an orgasm. On the other hand, it’s not the ideal result, especially when only 20 percent of men think that their partner has faked an orgasm.
Insert the obligatory When Harry Met Sally… reference required every time “faking orgasms” is mentioned.
I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that we socialize women and men to prioritize male pleasure during sex. Forget the disaster that is abstinence-only education, even if you do learn about sex in school, most of the time the clitoris isn’t even brought up or included on diagrams. That is insane. We are purposefully hiding a bit of the human anatomy because its only function is pleasure? What kind of a message is that sending about said pleasure? Meanwhile, we’re taught that the whole point of sex is to make a guy orgasm, and that when he does, that is the end of the act. This means that women aren’t always vocal about what they want in bed, especially when they are younger and less experienced. Women are also less likely than guys to masturbate, which means many of them are learning how to get off through the sex act itself. If a guy isn’t worried about their pleasure, they may not get any.
There, now you can officially say you have learned more from Cracked than you ever did in school.
Here’s a depressing example of this in the real world: One study found that in first-time hookups between college students, men received oral sex 80 percent of the time, while women received it less than half the time. That might be why less than a third of those women reported orgasming during said session. And the problem isn’t just that women can’t orgasm as often, because when it’s ladies taking care of ladies the numbers are much better: lesbians have the most orgasms of any women, a full 74.7 percent of the time. Heterosexual women on the other hand, while they are making their men orgasm 85.5 percent of the time, are getting off fewer than two out of three times they have sex. This is not acceptable.
It is fixable, though. It’s a matter of learning what makes your partner lose control — what turns her on. Like I said, penetration just isn’t enough in most cases. It’s learning where to touch. How to touch. What not to touch. There is no universal guide to orgasms, because every woman is different. What made your ex-girlfriend black out from pleasure may make your new girlfriend vomit in disgust. Learn. Her.
No, don’t blow that part off. Let me elaborate …
No Two Women Are The Same
Unlike with men, where you basically just have to look at a penis and BAM, it comes, absolutely every woman is different, and it is going to take different things to get her off. Even if you were the Vagina Whisperer with all your previous girlfriends, that doesn’t mean you can lay down on the job, so to speak. When you first start sleeping with a new woman you need to ask a lot of questions. Don’t assume your patented swirl technique is going to blow her mind just because it did your last five girlfriends. (And if something did work on a past partner, for the love of God please don’t tell us that. We don’t need to know details. We can also tell when you stick to the same old script, and it is kind of insulting. Mix things up for us.) Not only do women often need more of an emotional connection than men to be able to orgasm, you are going to have to learn her body inside and out in order to make sure you can pleasure her.
For example, the uvula isn’t the good kind of sensitive, no matter how much you want Deep Throat to be real.
Unfortunately, women’s bodies could not be more complicated if we tried. Not only does what worked on one woman not necessarily work on another, but what worked on your girlfriend the day before might not work on her the next day. And the natural cycle of our bodies means that during part of the month our breasts and nipples can be super sensitive, to the point that touching them at all can be painful.
The same thing with our clitoris. The clit is an unbelievably special part of the human body. It is the only organ that exists purely for pleasure. But it is also a sneaky little bugger, and needs to be taken good care of. Keep in mind that, like our breasts, depending on the day or how much stimulation we have already had, our clit might be more sensitive than other times. Also, it’s not an emergency orgasm button, and pushing or rubbing it harder is not going to make things happen faster. On the other hand, don’t be too light with it. We need to feel something is happening down there. It helps to keep your hands nice, as well. There is nothing worse than a sandpapery fingertip or too-long nail messing with your most sensitive area (that disturbance in the Force you just felt was a million ladies cringing all at once). If you can’t figure out exactly what we need in the moment, ASK! Women who know their bodies will be more than happy to show you.
I promise it doesn’t take several advanced degrees to figure it out.
Be sure to inquire about what we are willing to do to you, as well. I’m not talking a Christian Grey-like sex contract where you debate the inclusion of vaginal fisting, but it’s probably a good idea to find out how she feels about blowjobs before you expect one. Some women love giving them, some refuse to, and everything in between. A lot might be willing to, but only for a certain amount of time (our jaws seize up, too). Same thing with anal sex, which is becoming more common to engage in but is still a firm no for a lot of women. Then there is the issue of your splooge. I have heard that some women just love semen, but I don’t remember meeting any of them. Don’t assume because a woman is giving you a blowjob she is fine with you coming in her mouth, or on her body somewhere. It’s just polite to ask first, and always give us a warning. And if we’re at your place, it is your responsibility to have a towel nearby for handy cleanup. Don’t make us lie there as your sticky stuff dries on us while you wander off to find one.
We Are Not Trying To Offend You When We Have Certain Requests
If we give you directions, please don’t get upset. We’re not being mean. But sometimes very specific instructions are necessary. You’ve tried to put together a table from Ikea; how well did that work out for you if you didn’t read the directions? Now imagine that instead of a table, you’re trying to build and operate the Large Hadron Collider. It probably took the woman you are with a long time to figure out what she likes and what works for her. It might also be something that she’s embarrassed to discuss with you. So if you act put out because she dared to try and make things happen in a way where she can enjoy herself, you probably won’t be together very long.
“I said up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. It’s not that complicated!”
Women have preferences when it comes to the dicks that are put in them, just like you enjoy women who have breasts of whatever size or an ass that looks a certain way. Some women are freaked out by uncircumcised penises, some like larger or smaller cocks, and believe me, we have opinions on what a nice pair of balls looks like (and so few guys have them). But in general, a woman isn’t going to break up with you because of your junk. Just know that if there is some deficiency there, you might have to adjust the way you have sex so she enjoys it more. If you are on the shorter side in the trouser department, missionary probably isn’t going to do much for her. But if you have a longer dick, certain positions might be off the table, like doggy style. You know how getting hit in the balls is the worst thing ever? I’d like to introduce you to having your cervix pounded. Let’s just say it is probably the closest comparison women have, and when it happens during an otherwise lovely sex session, it can turn you right off.
No one wants to suddenly find themselves in the middle of an unscheduled Pap smear.
We also have opinions on how you groom your downstairs area. You are grooming it, right? I’m not saying you have to shave off all your pubes (just like you shouldn’t expect us to do that if we don’t want to) but no woman likes to feel like she is exploring the Amazon while giving a blowjob.
This one is very important: A woman’s ability to get wet is not a reflection on your ability to turn us on. Some days we are walking around with a faucet between our legs for seemingly no reason, others we are dry as a desert. The latter is especially true as a woman gets older. So if after foreplay we still don’t feel wet enough, don’t be offended if we ask to use lube. Not being sufficiently lubricated leads to chaffing and it is NOT. FUN. It also means we can’t last as long because we’re in pain. Unless you are a complete ass or it’s something you agreed on beforehand, you don’t want your sex partner to be in agony.
If we have agreed beforehand, please, go for it.
That’s also one of the reasons it is important to be open about the idea of toys. Don’t be offended if your wife or girlfriend has a vibrator; it’s not a comment on your abilities. If she wants to introduce it to your sex sessions and not just use it for masturbation, that’s great too. Sometimes it might be the only way she can get off, other times it might just be the quickest way, or it might just spice things up. And it’s not just vibrators: Sex toys of all kinds are great, and I wish more people took them seriously. As long as you and your partner communicate and figure out what each other likes, nipple clamps and strap-ons can be a lot more than gag gifts. Yes, I said strap-ons. You would be amazed what you might like once you try it.
The Big O Is Great But It Isn’t Everything
While, in general, men should be worrying about the pleasure of their lady, don’t assume that if we don’t orgasm we aren’t having a good time. For one thing, sometimes, no matter what you do, we just can’t get there. There are tons of reasons for this and they change from one day to the next. Putting pressure on us to orgasm isn’t going to make anyone feel good. I knew a girl in college who lost her virginity to a guy who was more experienced, and when he couldn’t make her orgasm through just vaginal penetration on her first time, he put his fist through the wall. That’s an extreme example, but if your woman is orgasming most of the time, you’re doing fine. Don’t worry about that quickie in the middle of the day where she doesn’t come (as long as she doesn’t need or want to). For women, unlike most men, sex in itself can be enough; it doesn’t have to be a means to an end. Sometimes you just want the act of touching or being fucked, without worrying about that exciting climax. Sure, if we keep having sex and never orgasm we’re going to get frustrated, but we don’t walk around with our crotch hurting the rest of the day. There isn’t really a female equivalent of blueballs.
One of the amazing things about being a woman is that we don’t just orgasm clitorally or vaginally. Women can orgasm from repeated stimulation in dozens of spots on our bodies, including lips, nipples, ears, neck, fingers, and toes. You would be hard-pressed to find a spot on a lady that won’t make her orgasm if you play with it enough. The problem is that once you’re an adult with your own place and no parents getting in the way, you can start to think of penetrative sex as the main event. But remember back to when you were in high school and making out in cars or on the couch. That was lots of fun, wasn’t it? Extended foreplay like that, over the clothes, or concentrating on less obviously sexual parts of the body, is still awesome now that you can stick your penis in things all the time. If you go to a buffet, you don’t go back for the beef tips over and over again. You mix it up, and even a salad is nice and refreshing as a start to your meal, or in the middle when you’re getting full. Same thing with sex. And foreplay isn’t defined by the stuff that happens immediately prior to sex. If you know you want to get down later that night, start preparing your lady for it during the day. That slow buildup can be amazing.
It can also make us feel more loved. I was reading an agony aunt the other week (that’s an advice columnist to you yanks), and a man wrote in complaining that his wife never wanted to have sex with him anymore and that he was worried she was a lesbian. The response, from both the advice columnist and the commenters, was that the chances of her being a lesbian were slim, but the chances of him being bad in bed, an uncaring lover, or just a regularly inattentive husband were much larger. Pro tip guys: If your wife or girlfriend suddenly doesn’t want to have sex with you, look for problems both inside and outside the bedroom. One huge problem is if you are only being loving and affectionate because you want to get laid. If you aren’t kissing us with the intention of then going about your day, but only when you want the whole hog, we’re going to notice and it is an immediate turn off. No one wants to feel like they are being used for sex.
General Politeness Goes A Long Way
You know how boring it is when a woman just lies there, getting plowed in silence? Guess what, that’s annoying for us, too. Guys tend to be less vocal in general, but it’s nice to tell us when you are enjoying something, either through your words or actions. Women often live their heads, so if we’re doing something to you and getting no feedback we’re probably going to stop concentrating on what we are doing and start a running dialogue in our mind about what might be wrong.
“Should I not be biting down repeatedly?”
That isn’t the only time a woman can be in her head, though. Sometimes we just can’t turn off and concentrate on the boning at hand. Some of the women I talked to have ADD and said this is magnified in them. But even the neurotypical can get distracted. It doesn’t mean we aren’t into you or you’re doing something wrong, it just means we remembered we need to unload the dishwasher.
But you don’t always have to worry if a woman suddenly gets quiet in bed. Even ladies like myself, who tend to be just as verbal during sexy-time as we are the rest of the day, sometimes still need to shut up for a few minutes and concentrate. Yes, sometimes women have to concentrate their orgasms into existence. If the guy we’re with suddenly panics that we have gone silent and assumes we don’t like whatever he is doing anymore, it can throw our whole flow off. Just let us do our thing. Sometimes we’re not even concentrating, we just need to take a break. It can be hard work continually giving you instructions and saying yes a million times.
Eventually we just revert to basic sign language.
Speaking of which, if we say “yes” that means keep doing EXACTLY what you are doing. Repetition is key for getting a woman off, and while I understand that just doing the same thing over and over with no variation can get boring, or you might worry we think you aren’t trying hard enough, we really do want you to keep doing the thing that is working.
One of the most bizarre lines men use to brag is how they can “fuck all night.” Um, good for you? How does your girlfriend feel about this prowess of yours? Because let me tell you, longer is not always better. Sure, I have had hours-long sessions that were lots of fun, but they are in the minority. When a guy lasts that long, a girl is much more likely to wonder why it’s taking forever. We get sore eventually. If we have already orgasmed once or twice, things are probably getting to that point of sensitivity where it doesn’t feel nice anymore. There is no need to keep going for another hour just because you can. Some of us have work in the morning.
“It’s cool; you keep doing your thing back there. I’m just gonna take a power nap.”
And since I’m being frank, here are a couple of universal tips to keep in mind:
Please do us a favor and concentrate on your aim. There are two useful holes down there and only one that we are concentrating on at any given time. If things start going a little crazy and you miss a few times, that feeling isn’t pleasant.
Don’t expect the woman you are with to be a porn star. Sure, most of us are down to be spanked or called names or try deep throating, but then the next time we have sex we might not be. If you want something that is even slightly outside the ordinary, and your partner hasn’t made clear that they are always okay with it, make sure they are this time.
Finally, we don’t mind if you finish before us, it happens. But when it does don’t assume you get to just roll over and go to sleep. If we want a climax, too, you better offer to help us get there.
So, over 3,000 words later and we’ve really only scratched the surface when it comes to making a woman orgasm, haven’t we? Honestly, it might just be easier to go find Bigfoot.