How can I get my girlfriend to stop associating sex with love?
It’s nothing nefarious, don’t worry. I’m not cheating on her and saying “Don’t worry babe, I don’t love her, it’s only physical!”
I know that a big part of sex in relationships is love. It’s like the ultimate physical expression of love and it can be romantic and passionate and awesome, and that’s pretty cool. Who doesn’t love that?
The problem we seem to be having is that I feel like she only sees sex as that. I feel like she has sex with me because she loves me (Which, again, is fine) and not really that she’s attracted to me or physically desires me. Sex is incredible, it can be a lot of things, it doesn’t have to be purely about love. Passion can mean a lot of things.
I saw a comment recently in one of those “What unconventional thing do you think is attractive” Askreddit posts, in which some girl said that seeing her chef-boyfriend chop vegetables turns her on and makes her want to “jump her boyfriend,” and I don’t ever really feel that way. I feel that way about her all the time, in my head I’m always thinking “This girl is so flippin’ hot that I just want to rip her clothes off and fuck her right here on the bathroom floor!”
I wish that she would say that about me. The best I can get is maybe a “You look very handsome”. Which is a nice compliment, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not quite the same as if she had said “Wow, you’re being so sexy that I need your dick in my mouth like right now or I’m gonna die.” An extreme example, but I’m sure you get the idea. I feel like it is causing some self esteem issues as well. I don’t feel sexy. I feel loved, but I don’t feel desired. When we have sex, I worry that she’s not physically enjoying it and then I get in my head and things go downhill pretty quick. It’s hard to want somebody when you feel as if they don’t truly want you back.
She’ll often say things like “I don’t want to have an orgasm, I just want you to have a good time” and as soon as she says that, my brain just goes to shit. It’s so defeating to me. You don’t need to have an orgasm! I get how the female body works, I’m cool with that. I don’t need one either! But I want you to have a good time too. It shouldn’t be all about me. I hear that a lot “I just want you to have a good time”, but there’s often little passion behind it. It comes up most when we have cowgirl sex, which she believes is her trying to give me a good time. And hey, sometimes I’m all for that. But sometimes I want her to get on top of me and ravage me. I want her to get into it for her own sake, for her own enjoyment. Where all I can do is grab her ass and hold on for dear life.
It also comes up during oral sex, mainly when I go down on her. I feel like she just won’t give in to the physicality of it all. I’ll get no feedback, maybe a “That feels nice” occasionally when I ask, but nothing like “Oh god, that’s incredible, please don’t stop!” It makes me feel like she agrees to it not because it feels good for her, but rather because I want to do it and she loves me and she wants me to do the things I want to do… So we almost never do that.
She has said a few times that she doesn’t want to be seen as an object, which is obviously a part of this… She says if I’m going going to feel that way about her, what’s stopping me from feeling that way about anybody. And I feel like that doesn’t count. Love is always going to be there, I’m not going to go fuck the neighbor just because she wore a low-cut shirt that day. She may be attractive, but it doesn’t work that way! Love is always a part of it! I’m not just fucking you because you’re available and willing, there’s more to it than that! I don’t know how to explain that.
I long for those raw and primal feelings. The ones that remind us that, hey, we’re still animals. It’s okay to let that part of your brain take over. It’s fun! There’s a beast inside of her, I know there is, how do I unleash it?
This ended up being pretty long and all over the place, but any advice would appreciated to help her open up a bit more sexually.
TL:DR: How can I get my girlfriend to truly crave a good dickin’?
wiking85: Many women have responsive sexuality and need to feel your desire to even get aroused.
TheFountainW: Three things:
1. The stuff you’ve described has nothing to to with connecting sex and love
2. maybe she’s just shy and she just lacks the curage to say what she thinks?
3. send that text to her
buttFumblebee: Your girlfriend is of a different “sociosexual orientation” than you are. I’m like that, my wife is like that, and honestly I’d be offended if someone tried to tell me I was wrong, and tried to change that aspect of me.
_trinidad_: Some people just don’t express themselves like that. It’s not something you’re doing wrong and it doesn’t mean that she’s not attracted to you. It just means that she doesn’t express herself in that manner
ooo-X3R0-ooo: I don’t know if this is related, my wife associates terms like “Intimate”, “physical affection” and “closeness” to sex and only sex. Kissing beyond a quick peck is also sex related.
When I ask her to be more intimate with me, I’m looking for closeness and physical contact, watching tv we could sit together, hugs, holding in bed when we wake up, long hugs in the shower, whatever. To her I’m basically asking to fuck everytime, while we watch tv, everytime we go to bed, in the morning while we shower. We have fought about this topic, the “All you want is sex!!” and “I’m more than a sex object” argument from her was common. She seems to be better about it now that we spoke, but it’s still very associated in her mind, and I see her actively struggling with it. To her it makes no sense why I would want to hold her naked in the shower or bed and not expect to have sex and it irritates her becuase she doesn’t like saying no.. Sometimes I just want to hold a sexy naked woman without pitting my dick in her!
525days: It sounds like you want to be appreciated and you want her to initiate more, and not initiate just by asking “Do you want to have sex,” but by making *you* feel sexy.
Basically, it sounds like you’re not getting your needs fulfilled. But have you talked to her about this?
She may be shy. I’m very shy about initiating sometimes. I wouldn’t feel comfortable just going up to a partner and ripping his pants off, even if I’m staring at his crotch and thinking, “God, I just want his dick in my mouth.” I’m very submissive, and I feel awkward when I initiate in that way.
She may need examples on what you would like from her. If she says stuff like, “I want you to have a good time,” that’s a great time for you to tell her what you wrote about “telling vs. showing” that she wants to have sex.
Or, you two may be incompatible in this way. She may just not express herself sexually like that. Then you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
secretdonk: I think you guys are a bit mismatched sexually unfortunately. I get where you are coming from and I have been in a r/l like that. It can work I think, if everything else is good enough. But yeah it’s a bit of a bummer to never have that sexually charged pure animalistic thing and have it always be lovey-dovey. But some people are just … like that. I’m not sure there’s a switch you can flip.
Vana_White: I can definitely understand your perspective. I’m the type of person who gets incredibly turned on by turning my boyfriend on. There’s nothing that gets me in the mood than him not being able to resist jumping me and that goes the other way around too.
It’s incredibly sexy for both parties seeing that the other is turned on and not just in it to make the other person happy. Yes that should be an important aspect too but not the only reason.
OP wants to feel like the sexual chemistry is reciprocated and not just a result of “oh but I’m doing this to make you happy” honestly, that would bring me from 100 to 0 real fast. TBH, it would make me feel unsexy.
OP, how long have you & your SO been sleeping together? If it is early in your relationship, she may just need time to feel comfortable about sex. As in comfortable enough to tell you a little to the left or faster or harder. That comes with comfort and trust sometimes.
Spoonbills: There’s nothing wrong with the things you want. But, there’s also nothing wrong with the way she is and you wanting to change her is a little paternalistic to me.
She may not be capable of it. She may not be capable of it right now in this stage of your relationship or in this stage of her life.
Also, are you giving her what she needs? Maybe she needs to feel safe and adored to open up. Maybe she needs lots of long slow romantic foreplay to cut loose a little.
You don’t say how old you are, but maybe she’s really young and/or doesn’t have a high sex drive.
> TL:DR: How can I get my girlfriend to truly crave a good dickin’?
That kind of craving isn’t inspired externally, in my experience.
G_o_o_d_n_a_s_t_y: You can’t expect her to view sex and attraction the same way you do. Other people won’t view the same emotions or events with the same context that you do. She has a very different view of intimacy than you do, so rather than try to change that, maybe you two can work to understand where one another are coming from to reach an accommodation.
whiskey_pants: If she has said she wants you to enjoy, then I would take that as a shy nod from her that she is wanting you to just be very assertive. So I would say go with that. That doesn’t mean *more* than that (like don’t jump into being dominant, just taking a strong lead), but I had to really nudge my Dh to be more assertive because he thought I wanted sweet. I never said I wanted sweet all the time. Sex to me *is* all about love. All of it, whether I am tied up being spanked or we are kissing in missionary. I don’t ever *not* love him and what I want to explore, I want to explore *with* him. What she has said doesn’t appear to me to be exclusive of saucier interactions. I would feel insulted if my Dh wanted to get me to dissociate love from the sex we have, so never take that approach in talking about it. It can be primal *and* loving.
I think what you want is for her to be more open with her lusty feelings and that might be something you can work on. It might also be you need to have a talk about what *really* pushes her buttons. I have specific things I love (like most people) and if he is doing those things regularly, then I want him all the time and *now* I will tell him so. I also realized that flirting with my man goes often right over his head. His idea of subtle is me taking my pants off. Until then, it seems to be murky to him on what I am trying to say without being super straightforward. So she might *think* she is actually coming onto you (I used to) and you are missing all the marks. And if that has been happening, and you didn’t respond positively like she thought, she might actually pull back (I did – misreading it as a rejection and thinking he didn’t like me being the one to pursue) instead of leaning in and being more obvious. Once we sorted out that was happening, now I just know I have to be extremely obvious.
allsidessam: It sounds like your girlfriend might be a “giver”.
If that’s the case, the best way to increase her satisfaction in sexual encounters is to tell her how good she makes you feel and how much you appreciate what she’s doing for you. If she truly “gets by giving”, and you want the same thing — you may have an opportunity to “give by getting”, so to speak.
I don’t know how to fix the problem regarding how you want to be thought of or sexually appreciated, but I hope that my first bit of input might kill two birds with one stone. If what she wants out of sex is the knowledge she is giving pleasure and you ensure she is confident in her ability to do so, you may find that she wants to please you more often! 😉
4nonyninja: She might not even be that into sex, but is willing to take one for the team because she’s really into you.
If that’s the case, when she says she wants to make her have a good time, tell her it would really be hot for you and get you off if she role plays that she’s a sex starved fiend or something.
Indorilionn: Honestly, I think that your premises are fundamentally flawed. Once more reiteraring: Lust and love are by no means opposites. I don’t see why she would need to stop associating sex with love, to lust for the physical act. Piling on the arguments about her alleged sociosexual orientation: If you wanna have any chance to succeed getting a more lust-driven sex-live, you can only hope t do so by adding lust, not subtracting love.
Just my two cents, though.
Edit: What I totally get on the other hand, is that you loathe the feeling of being the only one whom the whole exercise is about. Personally, for me sex has always been primarily about desiring and being desired, both things need to matter. If it was just about me, I could wank on my own. But maybe your own state of mind is the core of the problem here. It does not sound, as if she concideres it a chore by any means. And this i also part of sex: Accepting that pleasure works different for different people. You do get what you crave. And – judging by your comment below – so does she. You need to come to terms with that.
kunderwhere: I’m just going to throw it out there that y’all might be sexually incompatible. From my, albeit not so extensive, experience, this kind of attitude is either there or it isn’t.
She’s not going to change, at least not with you.
A series of different sexual relationships over years could make her see it from your point of view but in this place and time there’s nothing that will change her.
If you accept this it’s a long lonely road to resentment and dissatisfaction.
Take it from one who knows
Hard4Dpp: There is no line for some folks. The emotional component will always creep into their sexual life and that is not a bad, or good, thing, it just is.
Certain men, and women, who have had healthy romantic relationships modeled for them by their parents/extended family/long term friends or all of the above end up craving the total package and will settle for nothing less. You can’t change that about them, you shouldn’t try, and in fact it will become a point of contention in your relationship if you make the effort to do so.
If she loves romance with her sex, or romance to initiate sex, that just happens to be who you are with. If that is not appealing, then despite how difficult it might be, you should leave her for someone that will view sex as a less intimate act.
Both of you deserve to be happy and that sometimes means making the hard decisions for overall growth of the two separate people.
That said, if you can live with her continuing the status quo you should accept her for who she is and attempt to find other avenues to spice up the bedroom life [ie role playing, toys, watching porn together, etc].
greenbluepurple95: It sounds like you have different opinions about sex and you need to realize you can’t get someone to magically see things your way. She sounds like she’s not a super sexual person and it probably doesn’t occur to her to try to make you feel desired bc she might not have that same need.
Mayakitkat: Dude complaining because his girl has sex with him because she loves him. SMH
paperseverywhere: A few questions: How old are you guys? How much experience does she have? Does she ever orgasm? Does she masturbate?
ireasearch: You can’t. She associates sex with love. It’s normal. You are very fortunate. She is not going to jump some guy because he is hot. Thus, unless you do something to make her feel that you don’t love her back, you will have a loving, giving, sexually willing person in your life. As long as you treat her right, you will get sex… many people are not into sex for the sake of sex.
Lurlo: Does anybody else feel that OP’s dissatisfaction comes from watching porn? OP, your girlfriend isn’t a video game where you get to unlock her inner sexual beast if you play with her long enough. It appears as if you expect her to know exactly what you want to make you happy without communication. When she tells you that she doesn’t want to be seen like an object, you devalue her opinion (doesn’t count). I can’t say that I blame her in being less than enthusiastic about sex with someone deaf to her needs.
LITTELHAWK: Try giving her a warning or a heads-up a few hours before you guys have sex. My wife and I usually just try to have sex at least once a week just to keep our relationship healthy but a couple of times we’ve actually planned it a few hours before-hand so we had time to think about it and it makes it way better, especially on her side.
This may have been mentioned somewhere else but having her wear lingerie that she likes can help her feel sexy and boost the mood too, even if it’s something you don’t really like, just let her enjoy it and don’t say anything, just enjoy your ride.
WhereYouGoinSnek: You guys might not be compatible sexually. Not everyone loves sex the same way and for her, sex might simply be a way to show affection and nothing else.
calterka: Don’t worry. I used to be like your girl. What changed me quite a bit was leaving abroad for a summer. Then, I suddenly started to feel all the desires you are describing. We used the time to create fantasies and open up to each other with them. The best so far was alowing him to buy a toy of his choise to use on me and descovering sexy games that makes us super-horny while playing. Also sex after two months is super intense as well.
hela1337: Right, you said u want her to ravage you and for yourself to hang on for dear life – that might not work for her, at all. It might be hot for you, but most women need clitoral stimulation, which is difficult in cowgirl. I need to stay pretty still to cum for instance, or at least slow down thrusting. I’m not saying your problem isn’t valid or anything, but you need to take into account that what makes you cum (fast thrusting) may not work for her, and wanting that because you want her to have a good time may be misleading.
Porn sex isn’t real.
HappySubbie: I agree with some comments that, unfortunately, this will likely not change.
I totally see what you mean. I suck my boyfriend’s dick because I want to, not because…he made me breakfast this morning, I feel loved, etc. That’s why I actually appreciate that our relationship started as an ONS. Love and lust are two different things, and they’re both important to me. If he cannot lust after me that’s independent of love, he cannot satisfy my need to feel desired. Makes sense?
Some people are just wired differently. They probably won’t understand us, like I can’t understand them on a meaningful level. He did laundry? He mowed the lawn? Great. That’s gonna earn him a few kisses. Maybe some “I love yous”, but it’s not gonna make me hot and bothered.
I don’t think I can ever change. Perhaps she can’t either.
Leg__Day: This might be a mismatched libido thing, not sure. My ex was eerily similar to your description of your girlfriend. I️ want to jump my ex’s bones so much and didn’t feel the reciprocation at all. The biggest difference between her and I was I️ was definitely wanting a lot more sex than she was. She was a reserved girl as well. I think it’s just who your girlfriend is and I sadly don’t think that can really change. It never did for me.
ashbae: You want her to be something she’s not :/ sorry man
lilasianbuttslut: I used to be just like your GF. I would get upset that my BF was able to remove love from sex, at least *romantic* love. For me, they were synonymous. At least…I thought they were.
I really can’t say if all people can have their perspectives changed on this, but mine certainly was. And I have to say its mostly due to my BF’s eloquence in his arguments and rationality. I would dare anyone to debate with him about it because I’d love to see a better argument than his for why sex and love don’t *have* to be synonymous. They certainly *CAN* be, but they are not connected indefinitely. It’s truly all a matter of mindset.
His argument, in general, goes something like this (I hope I get it right):
A guy gets in a car accident and paralyzed from waist down. Can never have sex again. Yet, love can still exist and grow between him and his wife/GF.
Many couples refuse to have sex for a certain period of time to ensure their relationship isn’t just about sex. Well…why worry about that if sex and love are synonymous? And it isn’t just men who can use a woman for sex…women do it, too. In other words, if sex is synonymous with love, why don’t we just fuck to fall in love and continue fucking to stay in love?
The reason is because sex between two individuals in love isn’t about the sex…it’s about the enjoyment of something fun together. This is provable by citing the fact that the happiest and most in love couples are *not* the couples who have the most sex. They are the couples who have hobbies and shared enjoyment from doing things together. Could be anything, and most are totally non-sexual. Hell, there’s totally in love couples out there who fall in love bird watching. This is also why we fall in love with someone we share experiences with.
So, in reality, it isn’t the sex at all. It’s our brain associating sex (pleasure) with the same time and place as someone we care about and someone who is enjoying the moment/fun/pleasure just as much as we are. It’s the shared experience – not the sex.
Therefore, since love can be made doing non-sexual activities, sex can also be engaged in without romantic love (or love at all) being necessary.
It took me a while to understand this, but after I did, sex became way…WAY…more enjoyable for me. Honestly, an entire world of sexual pleasure exists out there which can be enjoyed *just for the pleasure*, no different than eating candy for pleasure, or going to a masseuse.
For some, that perspective might not be possible because it makes them uncomfortable. It did for me, too, at first. But I’m so glad I was able to shift perspectives, looking back. I can still enjoy loving, emotional sex with my BF, but we can also have a blast just enjoying purely pleasure-oriented sex. After all, we’re still doing it together, like any other hobby – going to the gym, playing pool, swimming, going for walks – which still deepens our relationship and connection.
Canuckadin: Nearly 90% of every post here could be answered with a copy and paste of.
“Tell you’re SO this exactly this, talk about it”
This post included.
reddit_veteran1: Bro, it sounds to me like she isn’t into sex as much as you are. That she is ”giving” you sex to please you, rather than wanting it herself just as much as you do. That she feels obliged to do it because she loves you and wants to make you happy. Worst case scenario, this won’t and well. you’ll end up scrolling through r/deadbedrooms because as your relationship progresses, the love she feels for you will lessen in intensity and she’ll probably neglet that part (”giving” you sex) of the relationship.
some general info:
There are a few reasons why a women wouldn’t be enthusiastic about sex. one of which is has to deal with her man (which i don’t think is the case in this scenario). Either he doesn’t live up to her standards physically or mentally (is fat or uncaring/rude).
The others have to deal with herself. She might have a history of sexual abuse which can make her feel uncomfortable around sex (not mucht you can do here either than to listen, go slow and reassure), she might have low self-esteem which causes her to feel unsexy (again listen, reassure your love and desire for her). or she is ill which causes a drop in libido (nothing you can do here but going to the doctor with her).
I think that in your girlfriends case she just isn’t the sexual being (the ones that want to be ravished) you want her to be. A few things you can do to increase the desire she has for you physically, is to start exercising, losing fat, gaining muscle, she will start to be more attracted to you ofcourse, but other women will too. And if there is anything that makes your women want to fuck you, its her seeing other women wanting to fuck you. It’s like marking you’re territory i suppose. a few other, more manipulative, things you can do is to become a little more distant. If she sees you less, she’ll be happier when you are there (caution; if you are gone fo rtoo long, other men might swoop in) and you could also just straight up tell here you need her to be more sexual, to initiate more, to open up that animalistic part in all of us that she is too shy to release. Good luck
Eldergoth: You need to give more info on your girlfriend’s background and upbringing.
I dated 2 women that were brought up in religious environments and both were taught that sex was about pleasuring their men and not about their own pleasure. It could be this depending on her background.
MrsValentine: If you get the sense that she’s not enjoying herself as fully as she claims she is, that’s probably the 1st thing to work on.
New1new1: How long has she been having sex? Has she had enough experience with different partners to discover what coukd feel good sexualy for HER?
When I first started having sex, it didn’t feel good for me at all. The guy doing nothing apart penetration definitely hasn’t helped me to discover what I might like either. I was crazy stupid in love with him thought, and kept fucking him just to get him to spend time with me. I learnt to talk dirty and would tell him I want him, just to get his attention. It took me several years and several different partners to start seeing sex as something fun and adventurous that I could enjoy for myself. I’m still working on discovering what feels good for me physically.
I think you should appreciate that your gf is not pretending to be the way she is not. She sounds like she cares about and loves you. Her low interest in sex might be releted to lack of experience and self-knowing, or it might be just the way she is, in which case you really cannot change her.
Mamoxo: Sound like she has an issue with just letting go in bed. I️ had the same type of issues, until I️ truly felt relaxed enough with my partner now, and when I️ relaxed and just felt completely not judged – it became way hotter. I️ equate sex with love, and I️ love when my partner gets turned on and all of that stuff. But I️ think part of what makes our sex so good is that we truly enjoy getting off together, because love and passion is there.
smithjm7: Man I feel your pain….. Ima very sexual person, aroused 90 % of the time. I love my girlfriend and am extremely attracted to her, but she never seems to be into sex, it’s more of an appeasement of my needs ( I feel like)…. which I don’t care about, I want us both to enjoy each other. I get flirted with all of the time from other women so I don’t have the self esteem issue, but I don’t care about the other women, it just sucks I don’t get the attention from HER.
We’ve talked about this a couple of times now and I think MAYBE one of the issues is that she never explored herself sexually…. never tried masturbating. Since then she said she has tried a few times. So I’m hoping she can find out what she enjoys more.
I’ve also had to face a hard reality…. even though I’m confident in my appearance and all, maybe I’m not amazing at sex, so she doesn’t look forward to it all that much. I’m trying to get better but you have to do it to practice and there hasn’t been much lately. So…. sorry for the lack of advice…. I just feel your situation. Maybe try talking to her about masturbation.
Scarl3tt3: It’s interesting that you say she conflates sex with love, as I do that for sure, but I seem to be on your side of the situation in my relationship. For example, my SO doesn’t want to have sex but maybe once a week if not less. To me, that makes me feel undesirable and unloved, like I’m not worth the effort so to speak.
It’s… an interesting conundrum for sure. It might be sexual incompatibility, or something that needs compromised on (which means you need open communication for sure). I hope you find some answers, OP!
canon12: Very interesting. I suspect you are a Type A personality and she isn’t. I suspect she is very dependent on you and is somewhat embarrassed that she isn’t driven, proactive like you and is somewhat socially awkward. I suspect it’s hard for her to feel equal. You have a strong need for sex, passion and romance and she doesn’t. I am not saying these things to insult you. In fact I can relate to what you are experiencing. If you don’t fix it through counseling or treatment it will eventually turn into anger. God I hope you get it fixed!
nineoeight: Get a clit vibrator and show her where the fun is. Tie her down and play with it on her. If she doesn’t become a dirty whore after that then I’m sorry you’ve got yourself a miss goody good.
Alpha_Bit_Poop: Get her a little tipsy then fuck *
RinkanShojo: “EY BEYBAH, WANT A GOOD DICKIN’?”
mx30mark: Study the married red pill on Reddit. Be an alpha.