Relax and turn up the heat on your sex life with our top tips for sexual satisfaction.
Before anything else, if you’re after great sex you need to figure out what ‘the best sex of your life’ might be for you. It’s not about experience so much as self-knowledge, for all that experience might fill in some pieces of the puzzle – it’s perfectly possible to be a virgin and still know that for you ‘the best sex’ will be loving and tender, or borderline violent, or slow and sensual, or passionate and intense, or kinky. Don’t be surprised if what ‘the best sex’ is for you changes over time – everyone’s sexuality evolves, after all, and it’s certainly the case for me that the incredible, intimate, awesome sex I have now would have mildly terrified me 15 years ago. This is not to say that experimentation isn’t good – it is, and it can open your, uh, eyes to hitherto undreamt of possibilities – but as with anything, it always helps to have some idea of what you’re after and where you’re coming from before you start. If you genuinely haven’t a clue, start really small. Do you like feeling vulnerable, or in control? Do you have any recurring images in your mind or any fantasies you might like to try out? Do you like feeling held down, or gently caressed, or teased? Work with what you’ve got, and see where it goes!
INES & CASSANDRA BUSTY LESBIANS
1) Find the right partner
By ‘the right partner’ I do NOT mean Ms or Mx Right, or The One, or any of that mainstream-romance-narrative bollocks. I mean somebody who accepts you for who you are, is going to take joy and pleasure in your desires as well as their own, and whom you can trust. It can be a close friend, or the love of your life, or somebody you just met at a party but with whom you have instant chemistry, or a lover you’ve had on and off for years. The important thing is the bond between you and that you feel safe.
2) Don’t worry about it too much
One of the quickest ways to ruin sex for all concerned is to put pressure on yourselves. There are no rules about what good sex is or includes – nobody says it has to include penetration, or climax, or multiple positions, or dildos, or, y’know, anything other than what feels right to the people concerned at the time. (Which will vary vastly from person to person, and also from one time to another with a particular partner, so going with the flow of the moment is always good.) This is not to say you can’t plan elaborate fantasy scenarios in great detail and act them out – hell, that sounds great, whatever works for you – but it does mean that everybody should be responding to what’s going on with their partners rather than plugging away at what they THINK will work because they’re trying to meet some imagined idea of what good sex should look like.
3) Don’t take it too seriously
Having a partner you can relax and laugh with is absolutely key to having awesome sex. If you’re uptight, or trying to present a particular front to them (no pun intended), or feeling worried or insecure, you won’t have as good a time, physically or psychologically. There’s this idea that having good sex is all photogenic grabbing and open mouths and porny writhing in ecstasy, whereas in actual real life it also involves a fair bit of two (or more) people murmuring at each other and giggling and kissing and saying ‘ooh, is this better?’ ‘Like that! Yes!’ and shifting from cuddles to sex to snoozing to sex to cuddles with some conversation on the way.
It doesn’t even have to be verbal communication, although it’s always best to negotiate consent for particular things explicitly and verbally with people you don’t know well. There is an amazing post by Cliff Pervocracy called ‘how to have sex on purpose,’ which I personally consider should be taught in schools, the gist of which is ‘start from first principles. Talk about what you like and what your partner likes. See where you can go together.’ (Read it though, because it’s awesome.) In some ways communication becomes even more important once you’ve been with someone for a while, because it stops either of you silently assuming you know what the other person likes all the time. Sure, sometimes being silently forced to do the thing you like is really hot, but it’s much more likely to be so in an emotional environment where you feel 100% able to say ‘actually, I’d rather do this today’ or ‘yes, but then I want you to do this to me’ or ‘stop, my tummy hurts, I don’t think I can do this right now, let’s try later.’ Communication is the bedrock of all functional connections, even if it’s the kind of communication where you put your fingers in your mouth and then raise your eyebrows at someone and wait for them to moan at you and say yes.
5) Have fun
Enjoy the process, don’t just focus on the ‘goal’, whether that’s orgasm or fisting or whatever. One wise friend points out that ‘joy and fun’ are her markers of excellent sex – if the thought of just hanging out doing naughty stuff with your partner makes you beam with joy, and/or if you have more fun in their company than you often do with others, then that’s a pretty good indicator of awesome sexytimes. Plus, for many people being relaxed and having fun is a massive turn-on.
Not necessarily during sex, although than can be a very good time, so go ahead if you and your partner/s are into it. Get to know your own body, what kind of touching and rhythm and pressure work for you, what is too much or too little, which angles and positions suit you best (obviously, these change somewhat with a partner, but you’ll have an, ahem, head start if you know that (for example) you come more easily on your back than your front, or vice versa. There’s nothing shameful about masturbation, it’s a great way to get to know yourself and your sexuality.
7) Approach with an open mind
This does not mean ‘let your partner push you into doing things they want that don’t really do it for you.’ That sucks and is abusive, and if sentences like ‘if you loved me you’d…’ or ‘you can’t know you won’t like it until you’ve tried’ appear you have my express permission to get up, leave the room, walk out of the building and never speak to that asshole ever again. You know your body better than anyone and nobody should be trying to make you do things with it you don’t actively want to do. But it does mean going with the inspiration of the moment, being willing to try new things (if those things do not cross your boundaries for any reason), suggesting alternatives or new ways of trying something, sharing your fantasies or impulses or ideas, listening to your partner’s desires and thoughts, and preferably being up for discussing these issues both in and out of bed.
Really engage with what’s going on with your partner. Listen to the sounds they make and how they move and what they’ve said and what they’re saying. Not necessarily to the exclusion of your own feelings and responses, but good sex is all about reciprocity, even if it’s the two (or more) of you reciprocally battering the hell out of one another in a pretty objectifying way. A lot of the time there’s a certain amount of taking it in turns, and if you’re working on your partner’s pleasure for a bit really do that, don’t just do what you always do because you know they’ll probably like it. Everyone has different moods, sexually as much as anything else, and their responses to physical stimuli shift at different times. But also, focusing on your partner’s rather than just yourself stops you worrying or putting pressure on yourself to come and also increases the intimacy of the overall experience. Plus, it’s really hot getting other people off! I don’t think that’s just me.
Try things! Again, not things which cross your boundaries – if you don’t like (eg) anal stuff, or spanking, or nipple play, you don’t have to try it. But you might like bondage or contact play or impact play or role play or being licked all over or any one of a million other things. Start from what you know about yourself and your preferences and impulses, and go from there. Be fucking someone you trust enough to let them take you places, and whom you care about enough to want to go places with them. (This does not mean you shouldn’t fuck people you don’t really know, it just means that in the moment you should be relating to them like a living breathing human with individual emotions and responses, not a fucktoy. Unless being a fucktoy is your prediscussed mutual bag, in which case full steam ahead for you both. Or you all. Whatever works).
10) Trust yourself
Trust your body and its responses, and trust your mind and its responses also. If something isn’t feeling good, stop and do something else. It doesn’t matter if you feel it SHOULD feel good, that isn’t how bodies work. Don’t spend so long trying to have what you feel ‘should’ be good sex that you don’t notice or prioritize how it is actually feeling right now. As far as your mind is concerned, if you’re feeling uncomfortable, or worried, or pressurized, stop. Anyone who doesn’t accept that is a) a rapist and b) a terrible human being. Don’t ever go ahead with sex you that makes you anxious – that’ll be a bad time for anyone. If your partner is a decent human being – which they should be, see point 2) – they’ll be happy to adapt to where you are and do other things (or nothing) you are happy with instead. You KNOW what feels right or what works for you, and you will know while it is happening – for the best sex of your life, you just need to be able to trust that and run with it.