I just want to have sex with someone I love
I lost my virginity in a threesome. I’ve had random encounters. Guys. Girls. Many. One.
I feel like my generation has taken love out of sex. I’m gay, but I had an emotional moment with a lady friend a few months ago and it led to some intense action.
I’m seeing someone now. He’s married, separated. HIV positive. I’ve done everything I can to make him know that I care about him. And that just seems to make him pull away. He gets upset when I don’t get hard in his truck because we’re parked and cramped and he’s blown me for half a minute.
I just want to make him feel something emotional. I want to transfer my emotions to sensations. I’m so longing for it. I’m not an unattractive guy. I’m not an unattractive person. But I go home alone, once again. Just longing to make someone feel my love.
Do any of you all feel this way? That you have love that you just can’t seem to give away? It makes me feel broken. Unfixable. Unwantable. The audacity to want to feel more. The gregariousness of wanting more than sex. The outrageousness of feeling love in sex. Am I broken? Do I not get it? Is there anyone else who genuinely wants more? Is it a generational problem, or a “me” problem?
I’m thirty years old. I’ve had sex, but I’ve never made love.
Just trying to not feel alone tonight. Tell me how you feel.
justmysexualopinion: Brother. You are not alone. We all want love. Sex feels great and is a wonderful release, but love is what most of us want most. Don’t give up… there is love for all of us out there if we try hard enough to find it. Keep your heart open and someday you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Apatschinn: Dude I’ve tried everything in my power to find love and companionship in this world. I’ve done great things and I’ve done terrible things. I’ve tried going out, Tinder, social groups, co workers, strangers, old flames… and I’ve found one person on this planet who I’ve connected to enough to consider even talking about these things with me. That person took my virginity and to this day I feel blessed to have had them in my life.
I don’t even know why I sub to this place sometimes. I think it’s because I really want to feel like I can understand. Like I can empathize. I know this is the case because I know how you feel. I know the yearning you speak of. I know it well. It’s frustrating and it’s makes you feel so empty. But the fact of the matter is that love is truly a two way street. It’s a connection. It might happen for you or it might not. It’s that simple. I wish you the best run at it and that this feeling you have is temporary. God help you should you grow used to it…
Saltpuppy: I was never really happy with life. Was sort of just doing it all out of obligation really. Felt lonely all my life, even when I was in a long term relationship. Ended that and figured fuck it, I might as well be lonely and have fun. Did the tinder thing, lived the hoe life, it was fun, but empty. I realised that what I really wanted the whole time was just somebody to love. Someone who could love me back the way I loved them.
I dont even know if I should share because I dont want people who are lonely to feel that finding someone is the only way out.
But I found someone. Someone who felt the same way i did. It totally came out of nowhere. We connected fell in love and i finally understood all the things i had read about love or watched on TV. That saying, when you know you know. Well yeah, you do know. It changes in intensity but I think the underlying feeling of love is something akin to warming yourself by a fire on a freezing cold night, but for your soul instead. Makes all the crap you went through worth it because it let you to that point and you could start again from there. Love helped me figure out my own worth, and be happy with who I was and how I became that person, the good and the bad.
You’re not alone at all. There are millions of lonely people out there who have so much to offer and so much to give. In a world of billions of people, I dont think any of us is ever alone in their thoughts and feelings.
Feed_Me_No_Lies: As a 41 year old, 16-year married gay man with two children, I can tell you that gay males in general have *horrendous* times with finding “real love.” Most of what I see are men who have become addicted to the easy sex that the gay world can provide but simply not realizing it. NOTE: This is more of a function of all participants being male rather than them “being gay.” Sex is just extremely easy to come by when everyone is male and horny, and nobody has to pay for it financially.
Go onto r/gaybros and you will see young people who are sleeping with tons and tons of others and then wondering “Gee…why can’t I find something real?” I have seen it with friends: 20 years of sleeping around then waking up in their 40’s going “Why can’t I find love?”
Grindr and the like have returned gay life to a place it was in the 70’s: Hedonistic, focused on instant gratification and cheap thrills. I am no prude BTW. If people *Want* to live that life while staying emotionally and physically healthy, then fine. But the odds of finding someone you really connect with when you have sex with them without getting to know them is very slim.
Long-term human pair-bonding just doesn’t generally work like that. (I like to sum it up by saying “If you know what someone’s asshole tastes like before you know their politics or religion, you’re gonna have a bad time.)
The best advice I can give?
Be social. Meet people in non-sexual, non-alcohol based situations. Cast a wide net: Enlist friends etc. If you *do* try online dating, don’t put naked pictures of yourself up and don’t have sex for several weeks after starting dating. Grinder has turned people into a list of ingredients on a menu to be consumed. Don’t fall into the trap…it’s very easy to do especially since we–as gay men–get no relationship training in high-school from our peers, from our parents, churches or anywhere else. We are left twisting in the wind during our formative years and then get unleashed onto the world in our sexual peaks without a clue as to what we are doing.
It’s hard. Straight people find the same difficulties as you will see on this thread. But for us, it can be particularly hard given the secrecy, the self-shame that can come growing up in the closet and the limited number of other gay people. It takes time, and it takes effort. I wish you the best of luck. I regularly mentor young, struggling gay guys I see online because if we don’t take care of ourselves, nobody else will.
PM me if you ever need to.
larchmaple: You aren’t alone, I feel the same way. Just keep reminding yourself to only put time into people who want to give time to you. You don’t need to settle for less because that’s all you think you’ll get. You deserve a whole lot of love, I think it just takes patience to find it sometimes.
wtffffffreddit: Set up boundaries for yourself. Tell your next interest you’re looking for an emotional connection and possibly something serious. Weeds out all of the emotionally unavailable prospects. Good folks are willing to wait and respect boundaries.
Then you’ll realize the unavailable men had nothing to do with you in the first place. You got this! enjoy getting to know someone who is worthy of you.
dreikatze: You put into words what I have been feeling for so long. Youre not broken. We arent broken.
macscheid: Sex is meant for love brother. Your cart is being pushed by the horse. Let the horse pull it. Keep looking.
bimzor: As all previous comments have stated, you aren’t alone.
I get exactly how you feel and I felt happy to read what you wrote, because it made me feel less alone. I feel like I’m drowning because I really want to love someone and be loved. But the worst part is when I’m seeing someone and feel slightly in love, because I don’t know if I love that person for who s/he is or if I have those feelings because I need to love someone, anyone so badly.
effectivelysingle: We all just want someone to love us. It’s simple, and complicated. I feel like there is someone out there that might give you more of what you need. Good luck and never give up!
lovinlife1: I was just having this conversation with someone. We were talking about how casual sex doesn’t have to be empty. That even if you aren’t marrying someone, you still should be able to make love to someone you care for. We are all searching for something. Some of us just happen to still be looking for love, even if it seems unattainable. Don’t give up.
allthatisman11: Like hey man I’m starved of human contact. I have not been affectionately touched in like 2 years at this point and I’m losing faith that anyone wants anything to do with me.
Could always be worse and I encourage you to seek out what you want in life.
PutYourDeathMaskOn: Damn, started to tear up at the end. I’m coming to end of another relationship and I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing all week. You’re definitely not alone.
PessimisticAna: I think this is an issue a lot of people nowadays face. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex but it isn’t for everyone and isn’t fulfilling.
Perhaps take some time away from the one you’re seeing and focus on yourself. As it seems he leaves you feeling worser not better
crzyferrlady: Don’t have sex or do anything sexual for a few months. You need to focus on yourself for a little bit and wrap your brain around what you really want.
I’ve been there and honestly the sex isn’t going to make you happy. Focus on yourself and when YOU can be happy you’ll be able to find something more meaningful.
hipanonymouse: You’re not going to like what I have to say, but I hope you and all your commenters out there read this. I’m in my mid-life and have a lot of experience in this area. Please don’t disregard this out of hand because it sounds like something out of a cheesy self help book. I’ve struggled with this myself, everyone I know has to some extent. I still deal with it. But there is an answer, and it takes a lot of work on your part. You need to love yourself first. Yeah yeah I know.
Bear with me tho, this comes with an explanation. I don’t mean this: you’re attractive, successful, take care of yourself, outgoing, passionate about your hobbies. All that is good, but not what I mean. I do mean this: build a life that is so fulfilling and gratifying that you always put yourself first.
Wow- that’s sorta contrary to what love is- right? No. No it’s not. And I’m not talking about being a self involved d-bag. Volunteer your time, create or build something so exciting that it’s all you can think about as you fall asleep at night, get involved, set high goals for doing something fun, then work your ass off to achieve it. Have the kind of life where there is no room for someone else. And like magic, they will appear.
That passion and focus that you embody will literally attract people like flies to honey. And it will include the type of ppl that want to be a part of your life. < -And here is the difference. Sure there will be the ones looking for a ONS. Avoid those, that isn’t the rep you want. Build friendships first with people. Let it grow from there. Keep your passions, just let them in. Keep putting yourself first, as you grow as a pair, that will mean putting you both first.
There is no rushing what you seek. And you will have to love yourself and your life independently before you’ll ever be able to achieve a healthy loving relationship with someone else.
r3dlazer: I didn’t make love until I came out as a trans woman.
I just couldn’t connect before.
vanilla_cookie22: you are not broken and you are not alone. we all long for someone to care about and them to care about us. what I do about it is just not have sex until I find a special person that I really want to do (and not just in a horny sort of way). until then you can work on yourself and ask yourself why you feel broken. you can learn so much about you when you take the time to get to know yourself better. plus if you do that it makes a potential future relationship even better!
charlotte_palmer: Before I met my girlfriend, sex was unimportant to me. It didn’t matter as much to me as it did to my ex partners.
I could please myself and feel the same satisfaction, sex most of the time was an obligation that I didn’t want to get into. It was rarely a bonus.
Plus, I was addicted to porn. Almost any kind of porn.
That changed when I met my girlfriend. It’s the chemistry, the connection. Since then, sex took off for me, and I think that it’s the same for her, too.
Now I cannot even masturbate without thinking about her. Any other sexual partner or situation, that doesn’t involve her, simply doesn’t work for me.
Plus, porn disinterests me.
No, there’s nothing wrong with you. In my opinion, you should start looking for love from people who can offer it. That married guy sounds like he just wants to get laid.
dontmindmejuslurking: Yea, you hit the nail on the head. Everyone is looking for instant gratification and either don’t realize a loving relationship takes work or just think love is now prevalent than it is. Shit, I subscribe to all those relationship subs just to remind myself how rare it is.
amadeus76: You’re not alone… The problem is that modern society markets sex in a way that almost completely separates sex from love. I don’t believe that sex always has to be about love, but I do find it sad that they’ve become so detached from one another. I’ve met people in their 20’s who literally can not form an emotional connection with anyone they have sex with. Evidently according to researchers this is becoming more common… And that’s frightening.
namesurnn: I turn 25 in about 25 hours and I really understand how you feel. I don’t think I’ve ever had a sexual encounter that felt fulfilling or even “good,” and that’s troubling. Everytime afterwards I always thought to myself, “now why did I just do that?” And I’ve had 2 experiences that were really borderline in what you’d call consensual and that just makes sex generally even more troubling for me. I’ve gone through periods of thinking I must be a lesbian, I must be asexual, I must be broken in some way, I must be bad at it (though, not to toot my own horn but I *know* I am good at some aspects). But it all boils down to just never feeling a genuine connection. I don’t know if I’ve ever been actually attracted to any of the people I’ve been with. I decided after my last fwb ended to just stop sleeping with anybody and that’s honestly had very little impact on my life beyond raising my self esteem a smidge. I’m a very big giver in bed — I like to please my partners and see them feel good. It’s just my personality, I’m a nurterer at heart. But when it comes time for reciprocation, I’m always met with disappointment (and that’s not all on either side; I can communicate what I like, and I’ve had a couple guys eagarly try to meet me there) but I think it boils down to there being no connection. And I need that with sex. I’ve never had an orgasm solely from a partner before. Which is probably a bit common, but I do think with how sexual of a person I am that it’s insane it hasn’t happened for me. Like you, I’m just hoping to someday find my person. And my aging just is making me feel claustrophobic about it.
odiedodie: Did you want to lose your virginity in a three some?
What made you choose it (regardless)
ByThePowerOfGrayson: This was me too. I lost my virginity later than most and it wasn’t with anyone I loved. Since then, I felt like most guys never wanted me for more than sex, and I felt unlovable for a long time. I looked for love in all the wrong places and really thought that I was never going to find what I so desperately sought in others: love and want.
I found it eventually. I stopped looking for it in others and found it in myself, as cheesy as that sounds. I felt unloved because I didn’t love myself and it took a really long time to realize that. We all want to be loved and accepted by someone else but we forget to love ourselves in the process. I also found someone who helped me see that my worth didn’t solely lie inbetween the sheets. You should look for someone who makes you feel good about yourself, cause you won’t find that feeling as long as you’re with someone who doesn’t.
TRNogger: You cannot take the love out of sex. Love and sex are already two separate things. You can love someone without ever having sex and you can have sex without loving someone. And you can have both at the same time, which is great, but one thing does not automatically include the other. Thinking that is the problem.
If you love people just for love’s sake, some of them will also want to have sex, and there you go: Sex with a person you love.
But if you want love only to have sex with someone you love… well, you are still looking for sex instead of love, so is it a wonder that you only find sex?
And if your romantical interst also wants love just to have sex with someone he loves, is it a wonder he gets upset when his “lover” does not want sex?
Love also has got nothing to do with attractiveness. Attractiveness may make you sexy, but it does not make you loveable.
Your whole post just screams “I am mixing up sex and love” and then you wonder why you can’t have an emotional relationship?
Sasha_Fire: Me too, if whoever you find has a brother let me know
WiseManGimple: Wow, I’m really glad someone has finally said this.
I’m a 25 year old guy and I started browsing this subreddit a few years ago because I enjoy sex — but I enjoy having sex with one person over a long period of time. However lately I’ve been single and I feel so pressured to want and enjoy hookups that I’ve been trying it and it has left me feeling so disgusting and empty because hookups just aren’t fulfilling.
But beyond that I seem to be the only person in my bloody town who wants anything more. Even when I express myself in plain terms that I want a relationship, any lady that I find myself with just uses me as a fuck stick and then bounces when it’s clear I’m serious about wanting more.
Of course I’m serious! I’m tired of feeling empty and used. I just want someone to love.
grayperegrine: Love and sex is difficult to match up.
I did find it. People have called the relationship I have with my late husband everything from “a fairy tale romance” to “a next level spiritual connection.” We love each other.
We are also gay men who met on DaddyHunt and figured, at best, this would be a kinky hook up and, at worst, we wouldn’t like each other. We had both given up on committed relationships, monogamy, and love and even had a conversation about that on our first date. Two weeks later we were in a committed monogamous relationship on the road to love.
Love can happen but it comes from the weirdest places.
mistyknight: I feel the same way. Now just sitting back and hoping for the best.
TheBigBackBeat: This is advice Dan Savage gave, but not word for word. Look for partners in places where you have similar interests. Like sports, book clubs, things you are interested in. I’m sure you’d be able to find a Meetup online and go from there. Bar are for people who want to fuck.
77×77: Last night I dreamt that somebody loves me
No hope, no harm, just another false alarm
So tell me how long until the right one?
boCash: No, you’re not alone.
A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection. It’s more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality.
When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close, emotional, relationship is formed.
According to one hypothetical model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person’s looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.
Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.
DR_AniSahne: Op you’re feelings are very valid. The longing for romance and companionship is one of the most universal experiences.
And don’t let anyone, not even yourself, tell you that you’re not worthy of these things.
But op you need to stop blaming this on your generation or your circumstances. This boils down to your decisions. You decide to continue to engage with a man that is romantically unavailable. You decide to have sex before an emotional bond.
I know how hard it is to find someone as a gay man, the hookup culture seems to be so dominant, and sex seems so casual, sometime more casual than grabbing coffee.
But ultimately you are the one who decides if you continue settling for that. Take responsibility for your actions and do what you have to in order to find happiness. I wish you all the best and hope you find love
420awesomesauce: I just want to have sex with someone at all
Masonagain: I agree
Avila1988: My ex mal was the only person ive ever had a connection with on all levels and loved, supported, and would do anything for even now.
Havent found that before with any SO’s or friends…and after.
continue to believe I will never have it again. Find it and keep it.
fruhlingsblumen1: I feel this. It doesn’t sound like he’s the one who’s gonna give you what you need, and that’s okay. You will find someone who can.
Deathjester99: A lot of people here fail to realize you dont find love, you grow it. Dont try, step back and just relax through life a bit. A perspective change always helps.
maxmike0101: I would be willing to bet it’s a lot harder to achieve between two men. Just a guess. But in my experience with women it’s something you develop with somene. I’ve really cared for a lot of my girlfriends, but sex never starts of in a relationship as making love. Making love is what sex turns into when you get comfortable. So maybe you just havent found someone to actually love you back emotionally. I dont know though. That’s just a guess. To sum it up if you’re looking for love in sex before you find love without it your just looking in the wrong place. Doesnt mean that people have taken love out of sex.
SoftCovetedBliss5: It is definitely a generational problem, and you are definitely not alone. The last three generations of people, in most places, have been focused more on entertainment and distraction than connection. You go to other countries with more people centered cultures and you see this firsthand.
PM70: Sex is great, but I can tell you being deeply in love with the person you are with is far superior (my opinion).
It’s okay to say no to sex and to get to know someone intimately first. I don’t think your generation has the corner on casual sex; I think there are groups that prefer it in each generation.
Stick to your guns when meeting new people, and realize that you are worthy of love.
I didn’t find the love of my life until I was 44 so don’t give up! Best of luck to you!
coldspaghetti13: I also have the same ideal. I’ve always wanted love and remained a virgin until I know I’ve found the person who will love me for who I am. Instead of looking for casual encounters, I invested in knowing people and having meaningful conversations. I spend time listening to the narratives of different people and genuinely give a part of myself to every people I meet. One of them became my boyfriend. It was unexpected as it was a platonic friendship but I was grateful that my emotional investments bloomed to become genuine true love.
TLDR; invest your time and emotions to people: it will give opportunities for love to grow.
BigUSAForever: If it makes you feel better my wife of 12yrs no longer loves me. It’s the emptiest feeling in the world… This rejection is much worse than out right loneliness.
Craylee: I’m coming to realize that I can’t keep looking for emotional intimacy in sexual intimacy. And just because someone would have sex with me, doesn’t mean they are willing to open up emotionally to me. And that emotional openness is where I fall in love.
IsaacWZRD: Yup. 21 years old and I feel like the people that talk to me just use me for sex when I’m just trying to have some emotional connection and then they leave after they get what they want. Stay strong
goodguy101: How do you feel about yourself? How do you think about yourself?
I’m going through something similar and these are the questions that revealed where my issue was.
balletcamille: First, you’re not alone. Oh sweet one, there are millions of songs about this. It’s not a generational thing.
Here’s what you need to do.
I think you should stop having sex with people you’re not in love with, and also with people who are not in love with you. Sex by itself isn’t wrong or bad, but it’s not a way to build an emotional connection, and it may be a way you’re unconsciously hurting yourself.
Next, start caring for yourself more. When you start building your own self-love, you’ll attract people who want emotional connections too, and then you’ll get the love you want and need.
agnes_gruu: you’re not broken. it’s the society that’s broken for making people feel like you are if you dislike loveless sex.
darkodraven: Dude I fucking feel the exact same way. The last time I enjoyed sex was 7 years ago with my ex, everything since then has been casual and it’s just not for me. It sucks that as a guy, gay/straight/everything, you’re expected to be able to get hard no matter what and if you can’t then something must be wrong with you.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I’m suffering from ED and been self conscious about having any sexual contact with anyone because of it. I’ll be 28 in a few days and I’m seeing a 20 year old that throws herself at me and I just can’t feel anything for her and it sucks. It’s miserable when you’re laying there naked after sex with someone in your arms and still feel lonely/alone. I really miss being able to tell someone I love them during sex and feeling that passion for what I’m doing rather than just wanting to cum.
omega_dawg93: loving someone else starts with loving (and accepting) yourself… the good & the bad.
DrongoTheShitGibbon: Dude, the guy you’re with now sounds like an asshole. On top of that he has HIV and you clearly don’t love him. Fuck that noise.
It’s not you. If you want sex with love then you need to go find another guy. There’s plenty of great people out there. You said yourself that you are attractive. Go out with friends and maybe you’ll meet someone.
I’m 33 and it’s not our generation. I’m not about to brag, but our generation is capable of what you’re after.
suzily: There are wonderful comments here on loving yourself first and understanding this is something we all want. I’m sorry this has been such a struggle for you.
I want to add that with the partner you have now, it may be harder to obtain. As a separated married man, he may be specifically looking for an emotion-free fling and be specifically resistant to giving you what you most need now.
There are many people out there who want what you do. Just because this man won’t accept your love doesn’t mean others won’t.
DiesIrae: Love is like wet soap … the more you try to catch it, the harder it is. Relax and be yourself. When you least expect it, it arrives
rrnnbb: This doesn’t have anything to do with our generation taking love out of sex. Sex is separate from love. When you combine them it is very special. But you can’t say that the generation is at fault for you not having had sex with someone you’re in love with. You can’t have sex in love without being in love. You’ll have to wait till you fall in love to experience it
JapaneseStudentHaru: I don’t think it’s a generational problem. I think you’re picking the wrong partners because you’re desperate for a connection. Not everyone meets someone and falls in love before they’re 30. If you want someone to care and respect you you have to find a caring respectful person. You may not fall in love but at least there would be a sense of care of you really just want someone to care for you during sex.
Luposetscientia: No man, you aren’t alone. That’s why, imho sex is the crux of a relationship. Both make people evaluate themselves in deep ways. To have a relationship (where you give yourself to someone) and be able to express that sexually is amazing. There’s nothing wrong with you brotha you just care.
FishtownYo: I just want to have sex with someone in addition to my wife
Kamicasse_: You just dont get it. There are many persons that want to have fun, once you find a person that you enjoy his company, talk about where are your couple goals, before you realize the relationship mature to a more team like interaction, and that is love. Communication is key to art new goals and fulfill your love dreams . Talk about it, commit , enjoy. Avoid all that ends in misery , know that you want and just go for it. You will project that, and your attraction will grow .
reddideddi: Love is the key to amazing sex. I’m so in love with an amazing person I sleep with. I took his virginity but love is the reason he feels so much better than one very experienced guy I hooked up with before. I’m not kidding. I feel you man. Not only women want love even though it’s sometimes hard to believe with bad experiences. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I wish you all the best and lots of love <3
lilmermaid1: Dont give up. Never give up, when the time is right it will happen and it will definitely be worth it.
Lt_Pliskin: You’ll get there someday. Just think of all the practice you’ll have by then! All jokes aside, You’ll have sex with people you don’t love, with people you *think* you love, eventually you’ll find someone you DO love.
climbtigerfrog: I’m in my 40’s, and I find that the more I practice openness and self-care, the more I attract and benefit from the same from others. This is what has led me to more love than ever before, within sexual relationships and outside them.
I would never anticipated being in such a wonderful place as I am right now, after spending my childhood emotionally alone, and going through 2 divorces. But, life is amazing.
Don’t be too discouraged, as you’re describing the same process we all hopefully go through, if we’re not walled off from others in self-defense.
carolyn_mae: I’ll just add to everyone else. I feel like I might start crying by the time I finish typing this but here we go.
I am about to turn 32F. The last real, serious, maybe going to spend the rest of my life with this guy, relationship I had was years ago. We broke up when I was 26 because he had just graduated with his PhD and I was right in the middle of medical school and completely overwhelmed with everything. I went to school in the middle of nowhere so I just thought well, when I start residency then I’ll find someone. I put off serious dating.
Fast forward to now. I am a doctor in a large city. I work all the time and when I’m not working I’m going to the gym/derm appointments to make sure I don’t lose my looks. Honestly I look better now than I ever have in my life because I have the money to afford to look good (even got a nose job years back). I know I’m pretty from the way random strangers talk to me. I don’t know what is wrong with the way I’m choosing guys, but for the past 3 years when I have actually tried to date, it’s just been a nightmare. I’ll go months and months just focusing on work, but start feeling lonely. Like you, I have love to give. I want to translate that love into physical sensations. So I’ll try online dating (and yes, I have tried tinder, but I’ve only been using “legit” dating sites like OKC, CMB, hinge, etc recently) and of the handful of guys I’ll feel strongly about, they’ll turn out to be nice enough to lead me on and think they’re trustworthy enough to let my guard down and sleep with them. But then they do the whole “turn cold and distant” thing after we start sleeping together to try to passively aggressively let me know they’re only looking for something casual instead of telling me outright. The first time we have sex might be fun, but the subsequent times turns into a hot mess because I feel/know this is casual and/or he doesn’t really like me as a person. I become insecure, want to hide my body, don’t want to do certain sexual things because I’m self conscious. Then cue the slow fade or ghost, followed by the inevitable “hey, it’s been so long, how are you?” text 3 to 10 months (yes, I’ve had a guy text me after 10 MONTHS) after he stops talking to me that may as well translate to “hey, in the mood to suck my dick again?” Casual sex has turned into something that ends up making me feel even lonelier and emptier than when I wasn’t dating anyone and spending my Friday nights watching youtube videos. And these aren’t “CHADS” or whoever the fuck people might assume I’m going out with. The one guy I honestly thought was the best fit for me and the one I’m still nostalgic over was a guy who was actually shorter than me, average looking, w/e. He wasn’t average to me. I’m not going through these apps with my 6′ or taller and muscles requirements. I’ve never even been with a guy like that.
And trust me, I’ve been single for so long I’ve watched a fucking Cannes Film Festival worth of porn at this point. And this is hardcore porn shit. There are so many things I want to try/explore/experiment. I want to use sex as a way to please someone who cares about me. But I just can’t do that with some guy whose idea of a second date is inviting me over his house to eat cold left overs. And I’m finally at a point in my life where I know that doesn’t make me a prude, uptight, or unreasonable.
The icing on the cake is, I’ve seen so many friends break up with longtime SOs just to immediately get another boyfriend in an instant. I have a friend who started dating some 6’4″ bodybuilder model guy from tinder who was begging to be her boyfriend after the third date, and SHE was the one who wanted to continue sleeping with other people. They are now engaged after she got that out of her system.
So yeah. This turned into some wild vent session, but just know you’re not alone. I’m not bitter or cynical. I go on every date with a wide, enthusiastic smile because I have hope despite everything. And I have self worth despite everything. And intellectually I know that just because you fall in love with someone or have the title of “girlfriend” or “wife” doesn’t mean that the passion in your sex life is there or will be there forever (in fact, the only thing more depressing than this comment may be r/DeadBedrooms) … so just keep your head up and know most of us are looking for the same things, despite meeting people who apparently aren’t.
And BTW I didn’t end up crying by the end of this, and I actually feel a lot better. Thank you, internet stranger.
Graped_in_the_mouth: I’m not crying, you’re crying!
420toker: There’s nothing that I yearn for more in life than to be able to give my love to someone and for them to want it. I feel like past experiences have broken me. I don’t know why I’m even commenting on this thread, I suppose it’s an effort to communicate that feeling to another human being, albeit a random internet stranger. Being alone is hard.
Third_Eye_Kind: This is the reason I gave up Tinder – sex with a rando after some quick drinks is so utterly boring, tenacious, and unsatisfying that I don’t even want to bother doing it. I have an incredibly high drive and still don’t just want any random dick in me. The best sex I’ve had is with my current FWB, because we spent 8 months bonding non sexually and forming a deep connection with each other. I just can’t hop on anyone – nothing does it for me like chemistry built up to the point of tension.
canon12: Very sad. Sorry you are going through this. I am convinced that sex without a mutual emotional attachment is not much better than masturbation. You have expressed it first hand much better than I can. Don’t give up.
KudosGamer: Dude this is not anything compared to not having sex. It’s the worst.
Aeponix: You just have to find people who are open to that kind of thing. Look for people who are looking for long term relationships. Those are the people looking to find love.
Elbwana: You have an articulate, beautiful way of describing your thoughts and feelings. My situation is not very similar to yours but I give you my empathy. I have little doubt that you will find love my friend.
boobiewatcher247: I think sex without any emotional attachment is better. But my soul is dark, so .
i-come: I shouldnt be the one to break it to you but blowing married men in a pick up truck is not the route to love.
You should really give the whole sex thing a break for a bit.
Try it, it is very very de-stressing.
Focus on guys as people, not sex and also not as love.
Love happens when you spend time together, not when you are having your tonsils smashed.
Stop focusing on sex so much.
pixiegod: Making love is the goal. Make no mistake about it.
This being said, you would never know how important it is until you go through what you have gone through.
Also, he might be pulling away due to being HIV positive. It’s easier to be platonic when that’s in play vs having feels for your partner.
reflected_shadows: Making love is overrated, i’d rather have a threesome!
Instead of demanding life to force other people to love you, try loving yourself, working on yourself, and building a strong self-foundation? Then, you will have plenty of positivity and love to share with any partner you may have. Do you have any problems establishing emotional connections and bonds with others, once you have them, or is the issue one that you can’t find someone who wants the same? Start with that question – if your problem is establishing bonds, you need to work on being more open. If the problem is meeting people who also want that, examine your outreach process and put yourself out there more. This is a “you problem” – not to sound mean, I am sorry if I do. There are many who want an inch of “wrong” in their sex, or just want NSA meaningless sex. There’s those who only want “sacred sex” that’s highly spiritual, and others who only want kink-sex where the sex is just a tool to explore a kink or fetish.
There’s many things to “seek” in sex, and what you want isn’t wrong. You’re also right that your generation is less emotive in this way, but your generation is also less empathic, caring about others, and social. Instead your generation is solipsistic, misanthropic, and apathetic, so it’s natural that everything will become less emotional, including sex. The good news is that fringe doesn’t mean only. There are others like you who’re sick of “it” and want something meaningful with a real person – but that requires opening up – a lot – and exposing one’s vulnerabilities. So, if you want something meaningful then you will have to go the extra mile and build it, ground up.
You might also ask yourself if you’re holding out for”the dream guy/gal”, because that’s a mistake.
SingleMaltLife: Ok so this guy you are seeing is going through the hardest thing he’s had to come to terms with in probably all of his life. He’s HIV positive. He needs comfort and loving, but also the knowledge that it isn’t the end of his sex life. I’m sorry to say it but you could just be a sticking plaster to his emotional issues. You want to care for him, but he doesn’t seem capable of caring for you in return. That’s probably a lot to do with his recentish diagnosis. (You said that his husband giving him HIV was what led them to be get separated). I doubt he’ll be in any place to return your desire of being loving for a long while, and you might be his rebound guy.
If you are looking for more than sex. I honestly think you need to look elsewhere than this guy. I think one of the hardest things for gay guys is safely chatting up a guy in a non bar/club scenario. How do you meet a guy on the street and know for certain he’s gay and open to being chatted up, you don’t want to waste time on a straight guy. I think this is where you need to join something which is a non drinking related club for gay men. Like a choir, or a theatre group, or something non stereotypically gay sounding, just look around your area. Just a place gay men meet up to do something constructive. Then make sure you don’t sleep with anyone your first time there and get to know the guys. Just enjoy hanging around a bunch of out and proud gays and getting to know them slowly. Lean on them, they’ll know your struggle. They’ll also have a excellent dating pool of guys for you to try. Tell them you want to be set up. Then start dating, go out for dinner, for coffee with these guys. Enjoy dating, enjoy flirting with someone without it leading directly to bed. Try to avoid sleeping with them on the first date and just enjoy dating. By dating first you are setting the tone for things, you didn’t just turn up at their house with a boner saying I’m ready. You’ve set the tone by dating that you wanted to get to know them first. Then see if more comes. I would recommend, to avoid your horniness interfering with your dating life, not stopping the casual hook ups, until you’ve found someone you like.
ageekyninja: This post hits me so hard. I’ve made love once in my life. I wish I could do it every time. I’m a giving, loving person who just wants to get the same in return. Don’t get me wrong- I want raw primal mindless sex too. But I don’t *just* want that.
I feel that the people around me want simple immediate pleasures. Sex, drugs, alcohol. They enjoy a few hours of pleasure only for them to be fucking miserable the rest of the time. They say no to love so they can have all those unimportant things. I don’t get it.
People choose addiction over me.
I don’t have high expectations for people anymore. I don’t ask anything of anyone anymore. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that most of the people I’ve met have been that way-maybe mid 20s and 30s are ages of stupidity and people will wise up sooner or later.
It’s hard to comprehend that not everyone is that way, that there are probably a lot of people like me, like you.
PeeingCherub: Yep. My wife is like your HIV positive friend, minus the HIV. She can’t seem to take emotions at any time, really. I’m more like you. We’ve been married for 15 years. I feel very alone and like she’s never really there.
immaculacy: Yeah I agree with you man. Sex with temporary partners is like masturbating but worse, because you’re making yourself sadder and more lonely in the long term. Society needs a huge change. People are getting hurt. We’d be so much better off with meaningful sex. Happiness and love would be everywhere. 😀
BaalHaPigglet: Everyone wants to be fulfilled, and the reason they’re not is their lack of capacity for receiving the type of fulfillment they think they want. (And confusion about what they want, need and get. Sometimes you want to forget that you already have everything you need. I hide from myself.)
The only thing we can do to develop in this world is choose the right environment. The right city, the right house, the right friends, the right room, the right clothes, the right thoughts etc. etc.
Start with what you feel and then refine those sensations inwards. The most important part of your environment is the part closest to you, so that’s your soul, mind and body.
The shame you feel is a tool, to expand your capacity for passing on the love you receive. You do not to eat what’s on your plate because you want to make sure you’re pleasing your host (everything you perceive that isn’t yourself).
“There’s nothing more whole than a broken heart.”
blasct: Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong places. I’m not sure how much true love you’ll find in the rectum of an HIV+ divorced man…
bigblindbear: “I feel like my generation”
No. You did.
itsbeelee: I can definitely relate to your feelings OP.
I’m only 23 and a bit of a late comer (no pun intended) into the world of sex. As a queer woman, I had had sex with a couple of other women when I was younger but I had my first PIV experience earlier this year. Thankfully, it was with someone I deeply care about but I got the feeling that although it was a very personal experience for me, it was merely a physical transaction for him.
Anyway, we’ve been sleeping together once in a while (a bit difficult given that I study abroad most of the year) but I still haven’t made love either. Perhaps it’s because we’ve maintained the status of ‘just friends’ and I know that he still sees other people. I just really long for that surge overwhelming intimacy. Something borderline spiritual. It sounds like I’m asking for the impossible but I have experienced this twice before (once with my ‘first love’ when we finally found enough privacy for some kiss and heavy petting, and with my first female partner). I don’t know how to talk to him about it without him feeling like I’m pressuring him into taking some sort of next step with me. Especially when he already does his best to be distant and impersonal with me (although we’ve known each other for almost 10 years now).
Long story short, I hear you and I understand what you want OP. I want it too. I want feel more than the pressure to be an animal in bed, to twerk my ass and be nasty etc. I hope we can find what we’re looking for. You’re so not alone in this.
DootDeeDootDeeDoo: Find someone who appreciates it. Clearly someone who’s going to die from a deadly autoimmune disease has given up on that shit. Move on to someone who still values love and life.
Maligned-Instrument: Your not weird or broken. You’re amazing…you just haven’t found “the one”.
hotpocketmama: That guy you’re seeing seems not that great, regardless of wether you’re in a relationship with him or not anyone you sleep with should have respect for you and shouldn’t get angry at you while you’re messing around.
I know exactly how you feel, I lost my virginity to someone I didn’t know and I kept up that pattern, any relationship I had lasted for like a month, it was crap. I lost my virginity at 17 and got with my current boyfriend at 19. It took me that long to find a single person who wanted to be with me for more than a few weeks, but it’s worth it. You just have to judge people on their character first, personality second, looks third. This might make the dating pool kind of small, but that’s a good thing, your getting rid of the junk. We had sex on the third date, it certainly worked out but I sometimes regret that because of how into him I was, if it didn’t work out after that I would have been screwed emotionally. He could have been another one of the type of guy to string you along for sex, and as long as you’re looking for long term love instead of a hookup it might be a good idea to hold out a bit, just to see what they’re really interested in bc the chances of a FWB catching feelings for you at the same time you do are slim.
Prime_Mover: I obviously don’t know you, yet you do seem so loveable. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Tiphereth87: Have you tried having sex with your mum?