[HELP] I Hate Having Sex
I’m a 20 year old woman. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years. He’s my first boyfriend and my first lover. When he took my virginity I knew it would hurt, but I didn’t know it would hurt for three more months after that and still to this day. At first I loved learning to be sexy and intimate and I kept waiting for a time when I would finally get to enjoy him pleasing me as much as I pleased him. At this point I feel like giving up. I dread waking up and feeling his boner next to me. I have to keep myself from cringing when he seductively asks me “Do you need daddy’s cock?”. The answer is no. I don’t need it. I’m sick of it.
The issue is I love him, and we’ve talked about this sort of thing before. Two years into our relationship I broke down and I told him that it was unfair that I’d never cum the entire time we’ve been together. We argued and after he went down on me and for the first time with him I came.
I thought things would be better after that. About once a week he would offer to make me cum and after he would fuck me and get what he wanted. The trouble is I know he doesn’t enjoy it. In fact he’s told me he doesn’t like it and I understand that. It’s completely okay for him to not enjoy it but it ruins it mentally for me. I want to have deep passionate sex, I don’t want to take turns being miserable just to get the other to cum. Now when he asks if I want him to go down on me (which is now a once every two months offer) I say no. Truth is, its as detached as masterbating, and at least when I’m playing with myself I can cum 2-4 times.
I’m bitter now. I have a fairly high sex drive but my partner mistakes my horniness as readiness. I’m almost never wet enough when he puts it in so it hurts. After that it gets worse. I don’t feel connected to him while we’re fucking and I get self conscious and sometimes even bored. Eventually I get so dry that I’m in horrible pain. I’m into being dominated and he is definitely into dominating me so he doesn’t stop when it gets painful. I’m tired of screaming in pain and not pleasure.
Other times I do enjoy it, like this morning I did. We were just rolling around in bed and then it was one of those moments when it was right, and he went in me and I felt whole. Twenty seconds in he said “I’m going to cum” to which I replied “don’t” and thirty seconds later he was already in the bathroom cleaning up. I understand these things happen but I can’t help but feeling like I’m constantly being used. I don’t laugh like he does after, sometimes I cry. I hate him for being happy. I hate that I’m young, attractive, horny as hell, and completely miserable. I don’t know how to tell him these things without hurting him. I don’t think there’s ever been a good way to tell someone you love that you hate sleeping with them. Most of all I’m sad that I’ll probably never enjoy something that seems so good. I love masterbating and I want so bad to love getting fucked but I don’t think I ever will.
LifesHelper: If this is effecting your life this bad (and it sounds like it is) you need to leave. Like seriously need to leave.
Your partner is a selfish asshole. I hate reading things like this because it shouldn’t be this way and believe it or not you DON’T have to put up with this. Sex is NOT something that men do to women, it’s something that men and women enjoy together!
You may be in love but that is absolutely no excuse to put yourself through this misery. Grab a hold of yourself and tell your partner absolutely everything. If nothing changes or there is no compromise made then walk out and never look back.
He is your first time so you don’t know any different and it may take you a few more sexual partners to find the right one but I promise you, if you be vocal about what you want you will get it. Life is way too short to not enjoy one of it’s greatest pleasures.
vanillabeanfreak: Other people have said great things, but I wanna point out that him being dominant and you being submissive is not an excuse for him to disregard when you are in pain (unless you *enjoy* that pain, and it doesn’t sound like you do). That’s not being dominant, that’s just being an asshole.
nextmanonthemoon: > but I can’t help but feeling like I’m constantly being used.
Judging from what you wrote, he’s at best (and I take that with every possible measure of not letting him be a collossal dick) a selfish lover. At worst he’s a shitty partner. The former is obvious, the latter can only be judged by you. But as you’ve written it, I wouldn’t hold my hopes up high for him to change.
> I don’t know how to tell him these things without hurting him
Stop thinking about if it could hurt him. He’s apparently hurting you! So please be honest with him. If you’re lucky, he may change. If you’re lucky he may not change, but that gives you the chance to go.
haigooby: I was in the same situation as you a few months ago with my ex, but the other way around. Sex was incredible at first, 8 months into our relationship and me getting surgery, sex became shitty: I stopped liking going down on her and vice versa, it was unfulfilling for both so we’d just gotten to the point of both turning down sex for weeks because masturbation was just that much better.
We blamed it on my surgery, thought it was temporary and never really talked about it clearly. And that was the huge mistake.
I’m assuming unlike the other ones who have answered so far that your boyfriend isn’t a total asshole.
My life advice, now that my ex and I are both going through a horrible breakup, even after two months? SIT DOWN AND TALK.
Sit him down. Prepare your speech, talk to him clearly WITHOUT JUDGING and mostly without attacking him. He may feel bad despite you being as caring as possible and going at it with the best problem-solving intentions in mind. But it’s worth it, try to save your relationship, because he will sure as hell be much more hurt than anything you could say when you guys break up, and passionate sex with someone you truly love is that much better than with someone new or that you don’t know at all.
90% of relationship issues can be solved with good communication. Tell him clearly what you want, expose what’s not doing it for you, and if you do end up having passionate sex afterwards, he won’t ever go back to using you as a hole. If he’s uncooperative? Turn around and go, you’re we’re too young for bad sex.
G_o_o_d_n_a_s_t_y: You two are in your first ever intimate relationship and you have no fucking clue how it’s supposed to be. He’s up his own ass taking whatever he wants without listening to you and you’re giving in despite it making you miserable. This is something that people who have more experience in relationships would never put up with. I think your collective inexperience is toxic in this case. Maybe you’re meant to be best friends and not lovers.
at0721021: You should see your gynecologist because pain during sex isn’t normal and there could be something that they can do to help you.
I also don’t like the sound of your partner’s reaction to this. It makes me so sad.
made08: I would advice to see 1. a gynecologist to discuss the reason you are experiencing pain during sex and 2. a therapist so they can help you sort out your feelings on the relationship. It seems like this is a very toxic arrangement though, and it sounds like you’d be much better off without him.
anonthinker: Consider that dating is essentially interviewing a series of people in order to find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Thus far you’ve interviewed *one* person for that position.
> I understand these things happen but I can’t help but feeling like I’m constantly being used. I don’t laugh like he does after, sometimes I cry. I hate him for being happy. I hate that I’m young, attractive, horny as hell, and completely miserable.
Is this something you want to spend the rest of your life doing?
> I don’t know how to tell him these things without hurting him. I don’t think there’s ever been a good way to tell someone you love that you hate sleeping with them.
There is never a good way to tell someone that you hate sleeping with him. But what is the alternative?
And to be honest, you’re doing both of you a disservice if, as it sounds to me, the two of you will eventually part ways. I mean, the longer you stay with him, if this isn’t to be “forever”, the less time both of you have to find the person who will make you happy.
8livesdown: >after he went down on me and for the first time with him I came.
It’s pretty common for women to prefer oral. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy intercourse. Have a heart-to-heart, and make sure he understands. Have him repeat back your words, to make sure he gets it.
If you can’t reach an agreement, unfortunately the outcome is pretty obvious.