Five Pro Tips You Need To Pull Off A Casual Hookup Like A Champ
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Women like having casual sex just as much (if not more) than men do. In fact, they seek it out actively, not only in bars and on online dating apps, but on hook up sites dedicated to the art of facilitating no strings attached love making as well. The thing that keeps us from doing it more often, and being more upfront about it? Well, for starters, the lack of men that know how to act right when it comes to the rules for casual sex.
Rules, you say? Aren’t those for relationships? Casual sex is supposed to be exciting and fun and not have a laundry list of parameters to follow, right?
Wrong, gentlemen. We’re not asking for you to break out the silk sheets or feed us breakfast the next morning (although, if you’re looking to turn a casual sex partner into a steady hook up, some homemade pancakes never hurt in sealing that deal). But there are a few musts that we expect you to follow when we’re hooking up just for fun.
We asked a few experts (and some real women who are into more casual affairs) for their take on what they want from men when they’re engaging in this type of scenario. Read on for what they had to say about the rules for casual sex.
1. Bring Condoms
It may sound like a no brainer. But Kassie, 27, says she’s shocked at how many times she’s been in a situation where the guy didn’t have one — or think it was necessary to use. “I don’t know what’s worse — that guys have stopped stocking up on them or that they think comments like ‘I just got tested’ or ‘I promise to pull out’ would be enough for us to agree to do it without one,” she says. “Especially after you’ve done all this work to pick me up at a bar and get me to go home with you, have a condom on you if you want this to happen.”
An Expert’s Take: Sex and relationship expert Dr. Kat Van Kirk agrees, and says that bringing just one condom is not enough. “Bring condoms — yes, that’s plural,” she says. “You need to have several on you in case of condom failure or snafus like the condom slipping off.”
2. Be Present
As in, don’t have one eye on her, and one on your phone — as was the case for a recent hook up for Laura, 24. “A guy I hooked up with a few months back looked me in the eye maybe once during the entire thing — when he put it in,” she says. “The rest of the time his phone was going off, and he was literally reading updates to a poker tournament he was following throughout until I finally told him I had to go.” In other words, if you’re having casual sex, make sure you’re all in.
An Expert’s Take: “Be present,” says Dr. Van Kirk. “Treat your partners with common decency by not being mentally checked out. After all, you might want to see them again.”
3. Stock Up On Lube
And don’t be afraid to use it. It will make it a smoother experience for both parties involved. “The last time I was having sex that was casual I kept getting dry,” says Steph, 28, “and I was so desperate for anything to help me out down there that we kept using spit. Eventually I asked him about lube, and it was only then that he pulled it out. Guys, don’t be shy about this stuff. If you see us spitting like llamas in order to keep things going and you have a full bottle of whatever lube you use to jerk off you should offer it up!”
An Expert’s Take: “Vaginal lubrication fluctuates greatly in some women depending on hormones, medication and stress,” says Dr. Van Kirk. “Make sure you have some extra on hand or at least use lubed condoms. It will make sex more enjoyable for everyone.”
4. Make Sure You Have Her Enthusiastic Consent
Enthusiastic consent means getting a clear “yes” not only on the sex you’re having, but a yes on each new act that the two of you take part in throughout the duration of the hook up. And we get it — asking, “Is this OK?” over and over can make things feel less sexy. But Candace, 29 says that a heads up on what you’re about to do as you both move through the motions is a must. “The last guy I hooked up with used phrases like ‘can I’ and ‘I want to’ throughout, which worked both on a level of getting consent but also doubled as dirty talk,” she says, “and I think that’s a good way to go about it.”
An Expert’s Take: “Enthusiastic consent means that you need to pay attention to her verbal and physical cues,” says Dr. Van Kirk. “She needs to look and act like she is into it. It’s not simply ‘no means no anymore,’ it it now ‘yes means yes.'”
5. Be Upfront About “What This Is”
While there are plenty of methods for finding a hook up, Samantha, 26, says that one of them should never involve being dishonest about your intentions. “I met a guy at a friend’s wedding who gave me his number and asked if he could take me out when we both got back into town,” she says. “He took me on what felt like a legitimate date — dinner, drinks afterward, the whole thing. We slept together that night — and then from there he proceeded to hit me up whenever he was just trying to get some action. And the thing is, I would have been happy to have him as just a hook up buddy. He was hot and the sex was great. But the fact that he put this whole act on in order to get there just rubbed me the wrong way. I never saw him again.”
An Expert’s Take: “Be honest,” says Dr. Van Kirk. “‘If you want to keep things casual then say so. If you eventually want more than just a hook up, you need to communicate that. Don’t make promises, especially when you know you probably can’t keep them. Playing games to get into bed with someone shows a lack of respect towards your casual sex partner.”
Hook Up Sites For Casual Sex
Now that you’ve got the rules down, all you need is a willing partner. Here are a few hookup sites and apps you can use to find a match, how they work and how to use them to your advantage.
From the moment you log on to XMatch, local singles in your area are presented to you via a “hot list” that other members vote on. It’s clearly a hook up site, so there’s no need to navigate the elephant in the room the way you do when you’re using a “dating app” for more casual endeavors. If nothing on the site’s “hot list” catches your eye, you can search members using a ton of filters including their sexual preferences. Not in the mood to leave your couch? There’s an option to connect with other members via web cam — or get in on the group chats, forums and the “Sex Academy” section the site offers. A basic profile is free, but if you’re looking to get in on XMatch’s more premium features, you’re looking at $20 a month.
Using Tinder to land yourself a hook up comes with its pros and cons. The major benefit being that there are a ton of members on it. It’s also extremely straightforward to use — create a profile with a few photos, set basic parameters like the age and location of the match you’re looking for, and then start swiping left (to reject) and right (to accept) potential matches until you get a mutual match, which allows you two to start talking. The pitfall of using this app to facilitate hook ups, however, is that not everyone on the app is working toward the same common goal of just getting it in. Still, the app is free, which makes it a solid place to start your search.
What do you get when you combine a cyber sex simulator with a dating site? Enter FriendFinder-X. Want to find a willing partner in your vicinity? The site goes above and beyond to deliver exactly what you’re looking for — from proximity down to cup size, both of which you can filter by when scoping out potential matches. If you’re in for the night but want some live action excitement, you can explore cyber sex scenarios including live member webcams. Like XMatch, you can access some of the site for free, but to gain access to all of FriendFinder-X’s features you’ll need a $20 monthly membership.
Bumble functions much of the same way that Tinder does — you swipe left and right until a mutual match is made. Search parameters include age and proximity, and you’re able to upload photos and a few (hopefully) witty lines about yourself. But once a match is made on Bumble, ladies have to make the first move — which can end up working to your advantage if the stars align and your match happens to have the same hook up goals in mind.
Adult Friend Finder
If you’re looking to get up and running fast, but still want to join a site that’s clearly for hook ups, Adult Friend Finder is a good mix of both. Granted, it won’t give you the granular search functionality of XMatch and FriendFinder-X affords you. But with lots of extremely explicit profiles of single women in your area looking for a good time, it should be pretty easy to find what it is you’re looking for. Basic membership is free, but if you want to gain access to the interactive features on the site, you’ll need a monthly membership of $19.95.