Got stealthed but I didn’t disclose
I am feeling really conflicted here. I had a drunken one night stand and the guy removed the condom without me knowing. I had told him to use them and provided them. He then told me “don’t worry I’m clean I get tested regularly.”
But I have HSV-2. I don’t have sex during an outbreak and always use condoms and haven’t had a problem. I usually mention “btw herpes” but I was close to black out drunk.
Part of me is really mad about this guy removing the condom and I hope he gets herpes. I am also really scared that he potentially gave me something else. I am going to get tested as soon as I can.
How long do I need to wait for an HIV/chlamydia test? Should I mention a heads up to this guy about the herpes or just see what happens?
dottedsilverwaves: I would be petty tbh. “Hey, you know how you assaulted me the other night and said it was ok because youre clean? I’m not. You probably gave yourself herpes. Sucks to be you.”
A more polite version would be: “Hey, I wanted you to use a condom because I have herpes. You should get yourself checked.”
TieFighterAlpha2: I’d tell him to get checked, if only to spare anyone else he might have sex with. Whether or not he’ll tell them is another matter, but at least then the fault is only on him.
MrPuppyBliss: I would make another date with him, wait until he drops his pants, punch him in the dick, tell him he is a fucking creep for what he did, THEN tell him he should get checked for herpes.
johnnybail: **edit** MrPuppybliss has a way better idea. I fully support that course of action
Better yet go this route “hey, I’m glad you used that condom like I asked the other night. I normally disclose this prior to sex but I have herpes. I was pretty drunk but luckily I had enough sense to give you a condom.”
Here is a list on how long you should wait for each STD to give a reliable result.
Also fuck that guy, maybe do tell him to get checked but he has no right to be pissed off if you do.
TizardPaperclip: > Got stealthed but I didn’t disclose
Seriously, people should stop using that term. How about:
> Got sexually assaulted but I didn’t disclose
Or if a more specific term is needed, how about something with appropriately negative connotations?
hickmankg: Very likely he’ll get herpes. If you turn up positive for something new I would sue the balls off of him, if it turns out you become pregnant, hold him responsible, but don’t sue because that will make it impossible to support you/the baby adequately. If you don’t get a new STI and are not pregnant, let him walk with the herpes he deserves, he’s a scumbag.
real90semo: I have HSV2 as well and this happened to me once too. I’ll be honest, I felt bad that I didn’t disclose, but i realized that I was so drunk I didn’t even realize I was in a situation where I knew I had to, and he took full advantage of me, so I don’t feel bad. You’re totally allowed to feel petty. Wait two weeks to go get tested and hopefully he didn’t give you anything because he definitely sounds like a scum bag! I don’t know what your situation is with him but if you happen to talk to him again, be clear that what happened was wrong and THEN disclose if you’re comfortable with it. But let’s be honest here, it was rape, fuck that guy.
JackKieser: I’m probably going to get flak for this. Fuck it.
You both did something wrong. I’m not even going to TRY to compare what each of you did; I’m a degree-holding philosopher, and even *I* am not going near the ethics of who was worse, because frankly, the answer doesn’t matter. You both screwed up.
Never. Ever. EVER. Have sex with someone if you have any STI or STD, especially the permanent ones, without disclosing. You were too drunk to remember or care? Too bad; “I was drunk” doesn’t absolve you from drunk driving, and it doesn’t absolve you from knowingly infecting someone with an incurable illness.
What this guy did was, frankly, rape. It was legally AND morally wrong. What YOU did, regardless of how wrong it was in comparison, was DEFINITELY morally wrong and, depending on your locality, may be illegal as well. Many people may disagree with this in our modern retribution-centric society, but him being a criminal rapist doesn’t mean he loses his civil/human right to life.
Tell him. If you don’t feel safe doing it yourself, have someone else do it. Hell, have a cop tell him from the other side of a cell block. But, tell him ASAP.
indarkwaters: Fuck this guy. He will get a disease. Don’t say a word. As far as you know he had his condom on if he comes to you. Dirtbag.
just_let_me_sign_up: Karma at its finest.