Toys and Female Death Grip?
I’ve (26f) had a weird evolution over the past six months with my bf (m31).
As soon as we started having sex, I couldn’t orgasm reliably although I sometimes did and he gave me multiples once early on, but then I stopped being able to masturbate to climax too. My old techniques and fantasies stopped working as soon as I met his hand and dick, essentially.
I got my first toy, a novice vibrating dildo. Played around with it. Bam. No more problems orgasming alone. Unfortunately, the inconsistency of me climaxing with him led to him seeming frustrated and me feeling more pressured, which culminated about 3 weeks ago, then got worse. After hashing out the fact that I felt pressured and it was fucking with me and some other stuff, almost immediately thereafter, I started having consistent orgasms.
Then… last weekend I got a new toy, a fairly powerful Hitachi-like wand. We have sex very nearly every day for an average of 2 hours at a time for just regular daily sex, so his parts needed a rest, but he wanted to use the new toy on me. I can’t come from clitoral stimulation alone, so he’s used both on me at the same time. Fucking awesome. Can’t. Get. Enough. Of. That.
And now that seems like it might become a problem. I cannot get enough of that: him using toys on me.
We had some awesome sex last night. I felt like I “should” have orgasmed. He hit all the right buttons that would normally make it happen for me. But in the back of my head, I was like, “You know what would be really good? Some vibrators!” Sigh.
Am I going to develop female death grip if I keep using these toys? Now that I feel this way, I’m kinda scared to explore them alone (I’ve not had any real solo time with the wand yet). I seriously JUST got over my mental block about coming with him. Maybe I’m just paranoid; it’s only been a week. But I want to seriously nip anything in the bud that’s going to cause further problems. That said, I would find it incredibly difficult to turn down him wanting to use them on me. It feels incredible. But I’ll toss them in a box in the closet if continued use will just condition me to only come from such stimulation if others feel I’m developing female death grip.
Also, forgive me if I am just paranoid, please. This relationship means the world to me. I’m just trying to keep everything at peak performance if I can help it.
TL;DR My boyfriend has used some toys to play with me (very) recently and now it’s all I seem to really want if I’m trying to get off. Will this lead to female death grip? Should I put them away for awhile?
SquishyButStrong: Vibrators can promote dependence, yes.
I think what may help is looking at sex in a different way. Less orgasm-driven, more enjoyable sensations and intimacy. Orgasm chasing can make them less likely to happen because there’s this kind of pressure on you. Not fun. Some days it just isn’t gonna happen and that’s okay. It’s important to know when the journey to orgasm isn’t worth the trip.
Should show up as
Idk anything about deathgrip tho
Ref0rmed_L0ser: You will develop deathgrip if you use the toys often enough. It’s better to save the more stimulating toys for special occasions and use no toys or less stimulating toys in your daily sex/masterbation life. Toys aren’t bad, they are fun and awesome. Kind of like desert but the problem is you shouldn’t be having desert for every meal. Your sensitivity will come back if you put the toys away for a few weeks-months.
SandiegoJack: Lost a sex life to toys once. Introduced them to spice things up. She then couldnt cum without them and eventually it always ended with “Hey I cant go on anymore, but do you mind if I finish myself with the vibrator”
Yeah, not making that mistake twice.
neuenono: It’s hard to judge your situation without knowing the **frequency** of your orgasms over the course of your relationship. If your issue is that your orgasm “gas tank” is not large and refills slowly, then you should stop fighting against that. For example, my girlfriend can only get off about once a day, and it’s only good for her once every two days or so. If she used toys or really pushed, sure she could get off more than once per day, but it would diminish her pleasure and might lead to the long-term issues you’re describing.
Maybe try and go toy free (or sex free) and see if your ability to masturbate returns to pre-boyfriend levels. I suspect he’s pushing you to have more orgasms than is natural for your body, which is messing up your ability to have pleasure.
All that said, I want to refute what people are saying in the other comments: **routine use of toys does not necessarily mess up a woman’s ability to climax**. For some women, a toy is the *only* option. Dudes get insecure about their dick getting “replaced”, so they can be very threatened by toys. But it should really be judged on a case-by-case basis. In your case, since you used to climax easily without a toy while alone, I’d take the situation seriously.
ls4sthrow: I don’t have much insight to the death grip aspect. But I wanted to address this:
>We had some awesome sex last night. I felt like I “should” have orgasmed. He hit all the right buttons that would normally make it happen for me. But in the back of my head, I was like, “You know what would be really good? Some vibrators!” Sigh.
One of the worst things is when a partner won’t communicate with you on what they want or need. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to get off. I think if you wanted an orgasm you should have said “That was fucking AMAZING. I just need a little help to get me off”. If he doesn’t get the hint, point to where the vibe is being stored.
Then afterwards bring up this entire subject with him. Just discuss as you are looking for his help. Share your concerns and see if he has concerns with you using a vibrator.
My response has nothing to do with you getting read of your ‘death grip’, but I think there should be other things you should be addressing as well.
anonnymouse1: I mean, yes, you can get “death grip” but it’s very temporary.
doggos_for_days: Why can’t you just use the wand while you ride him? Wouldn’t that incorporate it nicely with your sex life? 🙂