(F25) I feel strong rejection after sex with SO (M23)
My SO is the first partner with whom I have vaginal orgasms quite regularly and sex with him is awesome. The problem is that in three cases: if sex takes too long (rarely), when I’m close (sometimes) or right after orgasm (every. damn. time) – I push him away, don’t want him to touch me and even cry. For instance, yesterday we had a really hot sex session, and I was very close when suddenly I started to sob, asking him to stop. I cried even more when he was trying to wrap his arms around me to calm down.
The situation is not concerning clit orgasms – they are quite bright, although I always take his hand/mouth away right after, as I’m not a fan of continuing ticking sensations afterwards.
He is one of the most tender, understanding and attentive partners I have ever had; he always checks if he feels that something might go wrong (I have occasional pains because of an ovarian cyst), he says that his top priority is my pleasure, he is not treating his orgasm as the goal of this activity, and, of course, he always stops when I start to act weirdly. We both agreed that our sex life is not a game to win, but a journey. Thus, when I feel that strong rejection and sharp «do not touch me» feeling right after orgasm or even before one, I feel like I’m letting him down. I have explained him that it is not his actions which cause that, but something going from inside. And I have no clue why. He claims that this situation doesn’t change anything between us, and he will never judge me for that, but I still feel so, so, so wrong and broken.
I had no traumatic or violent sexual experience in my life, I have always been in balanced relationships and have never experienced such things during sex before. My SO feels like a match made in heaven; I rarely feel so comfortable with people. Building relationship with this guy was so smooth, I couldn’t believe it. And here comes this wall of rejection I feel when he touches me after I cum.
Has anyone had such experience? What shall I do? Counselling? Any advice is much appreciated.
TL;DR: In a very trusting relationship, after I reach orgasm (or right before) I don’t want to be touched, cry and push the partner away, even though everything is okay and sex is great. I haven’t been sexually abused in the past. What might be the reason and how can I stop this from reoccurring?
atypicalfemale: It happens. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse)
Nick315: The neurochemical activity before, during, and after intimacy may be a culprit. Your dopamine levels rise for sexual desire (to stimulate the pleasure/reward center of the brain) to the high point of orgasm when then it suddenly plummets and is replaced with prolactin. Dopamine plummets and prolactin soars and acts as an off switch. Also think in terms of an intense high and then sudden withdrawal and crash. The affects vary among individuals and with the intensity levels.
Do some research on dopamine and prolactin effects for more information to decide if this sounds familiar.
frueherschueler: I think you’re wrong for assuming that you are letting your partner down. If he is as open/honest as you describe him, I’d guess that he is also honest about him saying that it doesn’t change anything. This is how you are, accept it. If you are too harsh with yourself, it could damage your relationship. It is actually a limiting believe that something was wrong with you. We are all different. Love yourself for how you are, then you give others the chance to love you for who you are.
florabundawonder: This rings bells with me. Its not the same as you’ve described but that feeling of “don’t touch me” I used to get a lot. Not after sex, sometimes as we’d be getting started. Maybe he’d go to touch my boobs and I’d just cringe inside and pull away. It happens less these days as I’m much more relaxed sexually, more comfortable and secure and less inhibited. Imo it comes down to anxiety and confidence – I suffer with anxiety issues and I think that used to be a big factor. Its not a feeling I can explain very well, but I think that with a kind partner like you have and lots of reassurance it will get better with time.
mrmarketinguy: Does your partner have an orgasm on these sessions? Do you please him? It makes a difference in my opinion. I don’t know if I am shallow as a person but if I experienced that for a long time I am not sure if I would be able to continue being in that relationship. Maybe I haven’t experienced love yet but sex is one of the important aspects of a relationship and this doesn’t sound sustainable to me if it happens constantly. Sorry if I sound harsh. I hope everything goes well.
Chickachic-aaaaahhh: My theory is that sex masks what you truly feel and the orgasm snaps you back into those shit feelings you originally felt. Sex could just be your escape from the mindset. Pleasure isnt happiness..
irishtrashpanda: If it’s very intense I feel extremely close to my partner afterwards but kind of overwhelmed by my feelings for him. Like it’s this beautiful moment that’s already fading, if that makes sense? We cuddle and talk after but the extreme level of intimacy and connectiveness does fade slightly and return to normal. Doesn’t happen all the time, but yeah sometimes I really want to cling to the cuddling after rather than jump up after a few minutes and put the kettle on.
Recently he put his hand over my mouth during, and I liked it, it was really intense. But afterwards I felt close to tears and couldn’t really explain why. It had felt amazing, I wasn’t feeling guilty or bad about it, but it was an intense sudden come down.
bisteot: Visit a psychologist.
You will get better help from one that you can get here or in an internet article.
Could be costly, but in this case I think it would be a really worthy investment. First of all for your mental health, and second for your relationship with your actual (or future) boyfriends.