I crave sex, but I don’t really… enjoy sex? [26 F]
I don’t think I’m asexual. I do get sexual urges; frequently, in fact. I masturbate regularly and have for…basically forever, lol. I’m a camgirl, in fact, so I masturbate professionally.
So, here’s the thing. I get horny, and I crave sex. I fantasize about sex. I thoroughly enjoy foreplay. And then we have sex and it’s like….oh. Huh. Like, even the BEST sex I’ve ever had doesn’t really compare to some of the plateaus of bliss other people are apparently feeling during the most banal act of coitus.
I’ve had sex with something like 15 men (and 3 women, but that was work), so I don’t think I’ve just been fucking clueless dudes. I feel like I’ve tried everything: being dominant, being submissive, being gagged, telling him EXACTLY what to do, incorporating toys, role playing. Big dicks, small dicks. Foreplay, quickies. The cycle remains. I get all hot and horned up, I get wet like god damned Slime Time Live in my panties, and then we have sex and it mostly makes me feel sweaty and tired instead of awesome. It also kind of hurts? Like, I guess in a good way. But even when it feels good it is still a little uncomfortable.
For what it’s worth, when I masturbate it’s almost 100% clitoral stimulation. I also add penetration about….30-40% of the time. But I never masturbate vaginally without clitoral stimulation. I don’t really get anything all that special from vaginal penetration without clit stim. That being said, I’ve had partners/myself stimulate my clit in all sorts of ways during sex and it was always just awkward and kind of annoying.
Also also, even though I frequently don’t feel anything especially physically pleasurable from the act of sex, I do like the feelings of intimacy or passion that comes along with it. I am an engaged partner and I always make sure to pull my weight, so to speak; that is to say, I’m not lying there like a dead fish.
I feel like I’m broken or something and missing out. It’s like…it’s like if you spent your whole life hearing about how awesome a fresh hot pizza is, and there are all sorts of pizzas you can try to find out which is your favorite, but they’re pretty much all good. And then every time you eat pizza it’s just those weird cardboard Lunchables versions. It feels like that. Am I weird?
pixel_pepper: Sex doesn’t have to be just about penetration. It sounds like you really enjoy a lot of aspects of sex outside of that, so maybe you’re not a fan of “pizza” but you still like to eat. Stop going to pizza places! Find some new restaurants 🙂
Kinky-stoner: Have you had sex with someone you love? Because you didn’t mention that in your list 😋
sad_throwawaaaaaaaay: I get exactly what you’re saying, I crave sex but don’t enjoy it that much, I can only get off from clitoral stimulation using vibrators. Maybe you crave the intimacy of sex rather than the actual act?? Have you tried getting partners to use vibrators on your clit? If you use them by yourself you might have got too used to them, no ones tounge or fingers are as powerful as a vibrator haha
busylittlewhore: There’s not strict definition of asexuality. You can have a high libido but without wanting /enjoying actual sex still identify as ace of you wanted.
Personally, I didn’t enjoy sex until I had a decent partner who cared about me. Even now, I very much enjoy sex but I don’t really experience sexual attraction (I go by demi atm but there’s a case for ace still).
Important thing is not to do anything just out of frustration or because you feel like you should, that can lead to some very negative thinking.
pistachiogurl: Are you me? I’m exactly the same way.
Vaginal penetration is at best meh and at worst painful. But I love sex and the intimacy. Its more of a mental enjoyment thing for me.
Foreplay on the other hand is my jam, oral and fingers and kissing is what gets me off. I’m rather kinky and found I enjoy a lot of kink stuff Like spanking more than the actual sex. I guess everyone is different. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.
Spoonbills: You’re not weird. Penetration feels better to me now that I’m older but it was only mildly pleasurable but mostly blah, and often painful when I was in my 20s.
I’ve found a lot of long slow build up to increase arousal and a partner who begins with a very light touch really helps. Communicating about positions — using pillows, arching my back, etc. — helps avoid the cervical pounding that is an instant ladyboner killer.
I find focusing on my partner’s pleasure helps increases my arousal, pleasure and satisfaction too.
Lastly, my libido, arousal and satisfaction is a lot higher now in middle age than it was when I was younger. Things may change as your hormonal mix changes.
white_titty_lover: It sounds like you enjoy the attention of sex more than you enjoy the physical part of sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that in my opinion. Every girl in the world does not love being pounded.
I mean personally I could dig a girl like you. I had an ex that really loved feeling feminine. Like she got off on things like lactating and sending me pictures of her doing it. And actually she was a cam girl to.
azuredly: Seems normal to me. I understand penetration is banal for women because there are no nerve endings inside the vagina but if you stimulate the clitoris then that’s where all the pleasure nerves are for women.
gotobedyoungdreamer: Well OP. My wife feels the same way a lot of times, and you know something? It takes work to have good sex. That’s the thing that a lot of people don’t understand. You have to find what works for you and that takes time. I can tell you that my wife had to click emotionally with sex before ours became awesome. Also me moaning seems to help her out a lot.
But at the end of the day there are sometimes when she still can’t get that big O., even frommasturbation. The hi man body is weird and we’ve had to learn that throughout our sex life it’s okay to not always be 100%
DarkReign2011: As a guy, in actually the same way. I don’t know what causes it. I can get super horny and I’ll masturbate to get there are to go away. The whole time my head is flooded with thoughts. Calling up friends, finding a partner, hiring a prostitute, etc… but every time I’ve actually gotten down to having sex, I just find I’m, hot, sweaty, bored, exhausted, and sore. Other than that initial 3 seconds where where I’m cumming, there’s almost no pleasurable sensation from it.
I do enjoy giving my partners satisfaction through oral, fingering, whatever, but there’s no sense of enjoyment through it for myself.
lmbla: Yeah I’ve had this for a long time, and the only time I’ve been able to really enjoy sex was when I felt realllly really connected and bonded with the person I was with, to the point where I was either in love or nearly there you know. I have to love and trust someone a lot and feel completely safe and wanted, otherwise it feels like a chore, even if I really want it and find them very attractive..
nowthengoodbad: Just my experience:
Most people suck in bed. Period.
It’s on both sides.
Take a step back and try to figure out if it’s something that you are or aren’t doing (I’m a huge advocate for pointing a finger at myself before at other people). Next, is it something they are or aren’t doing. Really ask yourself if you’ve branched our beyond the typical type of guy/gal you find attractive (that could absolutely be the problem, sometimes people who fit a certain social profile share similar styles elsewhere as well…)
What id recommend you look for is a partner to try experiments with for an extended period of time (6+ months, for me we were hookup buddies for 5 years on and off but the first year gave me a chance to really explore). The partner you are looking for may not be the most attractive person but you want someone who will COMMUNICATE and LISTEN. Open and honest, with guts to say “I don’t like that” or “could you try this for me” and who will respond to and follow your communication as well.
You’re looking for an empathetic person.
What makes me awesome in bed is I FEEL how she feels. So, naturally, I want her to feel good. I want her mind blown. I can feel when I try something and it doesn’t work out, because her body responds ever so slightly differently. If I’m doing something right and I get a cramp or a sore/locking jaw, I suck it up for her (unless it’s really bad, in that case we both agree that it’s ok to stop even the best thing to prevent injury) oh, and they need to be someone who can laugh when you try something and it REALLY doesn’t work out, and the two of you can just laugh it off and say “whelp, I guess that didn’t work out!”
So look for someone empathetic.
Lastly, and most importantly, be open minded that there might be something that you think is unconventional or that you haven’t/would never think of that ends up being what gets you off.
I really hope you find what you’re looking for.