My partner wants to try what I think are unsafe fetishes
Hi just a little backstory. I am a little over a month into a relationship with a mid 20s female. She has had a rough past, including hard drug use, having neighbors assault her, and being drugged and gang raped by previous friends. However, she now has a good paying job and is clean aside from occasional weed use. She recently asked if I would hold an unloaded gun to her head while we have sex.
I’m a bit worried that this would be pretty psychologically unhealthy to encourage stuff like this considering her past. Would I be encouraging dangerous behavior by doing this, or is this something that’s OK as long as it stays in the bedroom?
HuckleberryPoundTown: From a sexual and mental health perspective:
I think it’s safe as long as you’re responsible. You probably want to spend a few minutes reading up on BDSM healthy practices, safe words, stop light system, aftercare, etc. When you’re getting into heavier play, there are some considerations that may not be obvious at first.
From a firearms safety perspective:
**DO NOT USE A FUNCTIONING GUN.** That is incredibly dangerous. So many people get shot by ‘unloaded’ guns that it’s a cliche to even mention it. Hell, I can personally think of 3, no 4, people that had accidents with ‘unloaded’ guns. That’s just people I personally know/knew, never mind 2nd hand stories. You can find very realistic fake guns and they’re probably cheaper than the real thing anyway. [BB pistols like this](https://www.amazon.com/Umarex-2254804-Powered-Caliber-Pistol/dp/B00C2G58U2/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1533325967&sr=8-5&keywords=fake+gun) are a good cheap option and can easily be disabled. If she’s familiar enough with firearms that a fake would ruin the immersion, use a gun that has been disabled in a robust fashion. (i.e., critical parts have been removed.) Do not rely on the safety or trust it to be unloaded. If you already own guns, I assume you know how to do this.
If you’re purchasing a gun for this purpose, contact a gunsmith or a shop that deals in used guns. (Almost all shops do.) They’ll likely have some broken piece of shit in the back that they will happily sell for cheap.
pegged50: A very basic rule of gun ownership is NEVER point a gun (loaded or unloaded) at anything you don’t intend to shoot. If you are a gun owner, never “play” with them, and don’t bend the rules for any reason. That’s how people get killed.
shadoxalon: As a gun owner, DO NOT USE A REAL/WORKING GUN. The first rule of gun ownership is “always treat a gun like it is loaded”. The second rule is “only ever point the gun at something you intend to kill”. If you don’t follow these two rules, you shouldn’t have a gun, let alone use one.
See if you can get a really good replica, or a “prop gun”. Hell, some air-soft pistols look sufficiently real if you take the orange off. Whatever you do however, do NOT use a real gun.
reallyrunningnow: You honestly shouldn’t feel pressured to do what makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay to have limits.
JayKayVay: Trust that she knows what’s best for her – many abuse victims use BDSM as a means of healing, re-playing traumatic events can allow them to re-live those events but this time with someone they trust and in a situation where they’re in control as well as feeling safe with the person they’re with. I’d use a good fake gun just to be on the safe side, but otherwise take her lead – if it is traumatic for her then she should let you know or you’d tell from body language, establish normal rules like safewords/trafficlight so you know the difference between fake and real distress.
Do have a serious discussion with her about this, express your concerns and if still worried you don’t have to do it.
Hentai_Baby: As someone with an equally fucked up past, and extremely fucked up kinks now, it seems fine to me.
Realize that the psychological damage has already been done. For some people, acting out these things in a safe environment with someone you trust is actually healing in a strange way.
Like I said, my past was shit. I’ve been assaulted, hard drug use, that kind of thing. I’m over it now, life is grand, but that damage is there for life and its manifested as kinks, and almost borders on therapy. I’ve been assaulted, you’d think the thought of forced anything would shut me down right? Nope. My boyfriend did an incredible CNC with me till I actually cried, and I felt a huge weight off me after that, it was incredible. We laugh beause I told him the more he hurts me the more I love him. From the perspective of a normal person, it’s probably near impossible to understand. But realistically, nothing is perfectly healthy, people have their kinks, and people deal with things in different ways.
If it makes you feel better also, I’ve been trying to work my boyfriend up to pulling a (dull) knife on me and holding it to my neck while we fuck. Maybe just compromise on something you’re a bit more comfortable with.
2Suns1Star: So without giving advice on now to keep each other from getting shot, it’s common that people who have been traumatized/abused to come back to a similar situation where this time they can choose WHEN and HOW they are dominated, abused, etc. A lot of people find this empowering
Nousernamemyfriend: Always assume a gun is loaded. That is a #1 rule of gun safety. Only aim at what you intend to kill. Doesn’t matter if you are “sure” it’s unloaded.
GiraffeNinja6: As long as it’s safe and in the bedroom, it’s fine. It’s healthy/normal for past traumas to resurfaces as fetishes later on in life. In the bedroom, with proper safeword techniques, fake or otherwise unusable/broken/gutted gun.