I [20F] recently lost my virginity, and I have some OPINIONS
Hello, here I am with another throwaway and another significant sexual experience. I have to say I’m grateful for the opportunity to talk about this without grossing out my friends or being too personal!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. It’s his first relationship and my first bona fide, genuine, healthy one, I’d say (everything until this point had been confused dabbling). We love each other to bits, and haven’t lost the feeling of surrealism at actually being in a relationship with the other whom we adore so much. (We don’t think we ever will entirely). We spend tons of time together doing everything from (exercising incredible self-control while) studying to movie/TV show dates to adventures in the woods to, well, bunches more. The point is: he’s great. We’re pretty great. I could write a book here but gosh, this isn’t the place.
In addition to being very happy with our relationship/our friendship, we have amazing chemistry. We always want to cuddle at the same times, or make out at the same times, and communicate very well all the time. So during one makeout session (that’s what I call everything that isn’t quite PIV sex but I’m aware it isn’t the best descriptor) we decided to try things out. We had established days and days previously that we were both comfortable with the idea of sex, so no worries there.
With a little bit of nervousness and a good dose of giddiness we grabbed the necessary items – a monster condom, towel, pillow. Within a few short minutes, we had figured it out. And here’s where my opinions come in.
- IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE BAD. Since the time I became aware of sex I spent most of my preteen and adolescent years believing so many myths. Eventually I came to understand so many of them were lies – the classic “you’re gonna bleed your first time!” and “it’s gonna break your hymen!” stopped scaring me after a bit, but I still heard enough horror stories to fuel my worries. I was worried I wouldn’t enjoy it, that it’d be good for him but I’d just mostly have to do clitoral stimulation to feel much of anything and your first few times are probably gonna be uncomfortable until you get it down. Combine that with stories from people I know, like “I cried so much we had to stop!” and the like, that I was simply just not expecting much. WELL. Was I wrong. Good God, it was good. It was so easy, and not even a little bit uncomfortable. The first time he entered me successfully, we both broke into involuntary surprised grins – it was so good! It was wonderful! we. didn’t. have. to use. lube. (and still don’t. I think we’ve used it once since).
- It is emotional, but not how I expected. I was unsure of how I’d react afterward. Maybe the Catholic-raised girl in me would have cried, or introspective me would have felt shame at some perception of lost innocence. Well, this did not happen. I didn’t feel that it greatly changed our relationship – the emotionality I felt was simply through the incredible amount of trust we had built to reach this point. For most of the time my heart was full of joy; as I said before we couldn’t stop smiling, and laughed a few times. Afterwards I remarked, “man, doing that with a stranger would suck” not because it was a bad experience, but because the relationship we developed together made it so much better. (I have no problem with casual sex – it’s just not for me).
- Age seriously doesn’t matter. I did worry a lot about this as a teen and later on. I felt that being a virgin made me inexperienced, and that it would be better just to get rid of it as soon as possible to avoid being perceived as emotional baggage, etc. I wish I could go back in time and shake myself. I wish I could tell her that it doesn’t matter how long you wait as long as it’s worth it, because it was. Again, it wasn’t that having sex changed my life. It was that being that comfortable and secure and happy with another person kind of did. It wasn’t that I felt any different the next day, or that we grew significantly closer because of it. Giving my virginity to the man I love was only another expression of trust – and it cut both ways. For that reason, it was well worth it.
- WHY DOES MISSIONARY GET A BAD RAP THO IT’S SO GOOD. oh my god. It is definitely not boring or whatever the hell else kind of connotations it carries. Just because it’s ‘default’ doesn’t mean it’s lacking. In. Any. Way. Holy. Shit.
- The hunger is real. The post-orgasm munchies have hit me/us before, but this was pretty intense. Our delicacies of choice were veggie burgers and dumplings… as well as screwdrivers, because why the hell not. How does anyone else deal with this? Do y’all store Clif bars under the condoms or something? Because God damn, after an experience like that my body just wants me to believe it hasn’t been fed since the change of the seasons.
Okay. I think my tirade is over. If you’ve gotten this far, props. TL;DR: Sex is great. Everyone’s experience is different, but don’t be afraid if you haven’t done it yet. Communicate with your partner. Have fun. Also, if I didn’t say so, sex is great.
0-90195: I congratulate you, but I want to caution you about two things. First, while it’s *wonderful* and *preferable* that you were not uncomfortable or in pain during your first time, know that many people are (and they’re not lying or stupid or anything like that). Secondly, it’s ok to use lube and not a point of shame! Don’t feel like using lube is a weakness or not as good or anything like that.
darealqueenb: I dunno. My first time felt like I was (what I imagine it would be like) to have sex with a pineapple. I didn’t bleed much, but it was seriously uncomfortable and I did not get any satisfaction out of that experience. But yes, people shouldn’t make broad generalizations about things. Everyone is different. I think people just want to make sure other people are prepared for the worst if it happens.
Lizzx3: Oh, congrats!! Btw, I am not lying when I said when I lost my virginity, it did hurt me and I did bleed a lot haha. You’re lucky your first time wasn’t uncomfortable. It was what I hoped I’d be one of them but no haha! Oh, well! Everyone is different. Some will bleed. Some will not.
RiseAboveMorty: I think the reason why people give missionary a bad rap is because that’s what most people default to. as the relationship progresses doing the same position over and over gets boring. effective, but lazy. The key is discovering the variations to the position to hit different angles.
I’m a glutton and a half, I can’t remember the last time that I had sex without smoking a bunch of weed and gorging on enough food to cause indigestion. I have damn near died from dehydration tho, the thirst was real.
TABandicoot: Congratulations on the immensely positive experience you had for your 1st time! It’s so adorable to read, and compared to a lot of the horror stories I’ve seen, so much more blissful and positive!
Might be prying too much, but if you don’t mind my asking, was it your BF’s 1st time as well? And if so, did he last a good amount of time?
probabledickbag: You essentially had a normal experience. The people with the bad experiences have a tendency to want to share their misery and practically compete to have the worst experiences. Same thing happens with pregnancy, where everyone wants to tell you how bad their pregnancy or labour was and then you get some random teen who was trying to keep the pregnancy a secret effortlessly birth a 9 pound baby in a convenience store.
Those who enjoy a normal life without much to complain about mostly get on with it quietly.
SleepyGlasses: I don’t really have anything to contribute to this, just CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so happy you had a wonderful experience! I will literally save this and show to my children sometime in the far future!
Sex is nothing to be ashamed of or fearful of! As long as you share the experience with someone that listens and care for you, it’s the best thing you can ever do to build your relationship together!
InvestigateLife: Sexual intimacy between two people is an amazing connection. Now here are my thoughts that I can’t help but pass your way.
Speaking of broad generalizations, which you criticized … “EVERYONE WAS LYING.” Yeah, that’s one right there. Absolutes like “everyone” and “all the time” are commonly used in generalizations. And there’s nothing wrong with generalizations, so long as we realize there are exceptions. They can help prepare a person.
I’d also like to comment on a few things in your post. You’ll probably disregard what I say right away, and that’s fine. But maybe you’ll take some of it. You’ve been together a “few months” as you said, and …
>We love each other to bits, and haven’t lost the feeling of surrealism at actually being in a relationship with the other whom we adore so much. (We don’t think we ever will entirely).
Of course this is great. Honestly, I love my wife to bits even now after almost 12 years of marriage. I would say though that it’s changed. The “surreal” feeling of a new relationship lasted for about the first 18 months we were together, as there were constantly new things along the way … first date, first time holding hands, first kiss, yaddayadda … the *new* aspect is exciting. After a while, the new wears off. Add to that kids and life and responsibility and you get exhaustion that’s really quite incomprehensible to someone in their young 20s without kids. The same with the missionary position. There’s a face-to-face connection there that’s amazing. And it doesn’t get a bad wrap, as you said, only after a while it’s the feeling of, “Been there, done that … a couple hundred times.”
Here’s an analogy. You’ve never had pizza and you eat it and it’s AMAZING. Then you like it so much you eat it every day for the next couple years. Still great, but after a while, you’re like, “Can I just have a taco or something?” Got it?
So being aware of all this, I’d encourage you to continue to communicate. Most break-ups happen because of poor communication and not communicating expectations & desires and listening when others communicate. So keep that communication going.
Also realize that something that’s new & exciting can become normal and mundane after you’ve done it so many times. Many people get in trouble constantly seeking that new thing, often with other people. Instead, keep things new & fresh together. Explore and adventure together. Discover new things together. And be content to experience the normalcy together with the one you love and trust.
Relationships take commitment & effort, which is easy to not realize early on in a relationship because new relationships are just easy … so go in with awareness.
I say all this because, to generalize, when one’s dreams & ideals hit up against reality, problems can arise. And that’s it.
And again, yes … sex is great, and a great connection with another person!
finmeister: Your experience is honestly *super* atypical. I’m glad it was so easy and pleasurable for you and I’m not trying to knock you down at all, but even if everyone does everything “right” what you usually end up with is any one, or all of the following:
1. Some bleeding. If she bleeds A LOT ur doin it rong, the hymen *ripped* instead of just stretched/tore slightly, which means you went too fast, too dry, and didn’t start out with fingers or toys to stretch it first. Some people are more sensitive but overall, the sheets shouldn’t look like a crime scene.
2. One or both of you doesn’t orgasm. Nerves play a big role in this, as does sex just being a new sensation. It’s not uncommon at all for a first-timer guy to go soft or go for an hour and never finish. The “shooting in 2 pumps” virgin guy trope is a myth a lot of times.
3. Some discomfort for *both* people but usually the woman (talking about hetero sex here of course, because that’s what you had). Even if she doesn’t bleed, there’s usually a stinging pain because shit has to stretch to accommodate the penis – the hymen at the vaginal entrance *and* the muscles inside the vagina. This even happens to me if I haven’t had sex in a long time, and sometimes I’ll even bleed very slightly. For the guy, if she’s very tight or clenching from nerves, or things are too dry, he’ll get chafing or an unpleasant friction.
I’m glad you had such a great first experience but MAN it’s not the norm lol.
PMme-YourPussy: young love, its so cute.
Moneytenniscoffee: My wife and I are old….lol, 50’s & 60’s. While we still enjoy sex quite a lot she has to use lube now and ever since we married. She’s naturally dry. But, we have crazy awesome foreplay with a vibe which gives her 2-4 orgasms each time. While intercourse is always the last thing we do (after about 45 minutes or so of foreplay for both of us), it’s mainly for me as a finisher. She could do without but because of her love for me she never denies it. Our honeymoon back in the 1980’s was a painful time for her. Whenever we talk about our wedding, honeymoon, etc. she’ll playfully say, “Ouch!”.
UsernameForSexStuff: Great post overall.
>WHY DOES MISSIONARY GET A BAD RAP THO IT’S SO GOOD. oh my god. It is definitely not boring or whatever the hell else kind of connotations it carries. Just because it’s ‘default’ doesn’t mean it’s lacking. In. Any. Way. Holy. Shit.
This is so true and I’ve posted about this on this sub before. I suppose missionary gets a bad rap because it’s the first position most people experience and therefore it doesn’t seem edgy — there’s never any “hey, how about we try *this*” thrill — but it really is my favorite position. It’s the most intimate! Your faces are right up against each other’s, you can look into each other’s eyes, you can kiss, you can whisper to each other, you can easily hear all the little sounds your partner is making. You can subtly vary it in loads of different ways. It feels great and there’s more skin-on-skin contact than any other position. I’m sometimes a little embarrassed to say it’s my favorite, and I hate that I’m embarrassed.
JackhusChanhus: Great to hear you enjoyed it, Im 20(M) and lost mine a while back… the bleeding is real lol, but we are still together,committed, and as good as sex is at the start… keeps getting better 😀
neuenono: Nobody’s lying, and I really don’t think people emphasize that there *will* be pain/blood; it’s more that there *might*. And it’s good for people to be aware of these things, so the advice errs on the side of caution/warning.
All that said, I do wonder if the idea that *pain is normal* sets women up with a troubling mindset: that they should tolerate sexual pain (and have little expectation of sexual satisfaction). What if we told women to stop any sexual activity if it was painful? Would that help sex generally be more aware of women’s comfort, needs, and desires? On this sub I often see women talking about painful too-deep-penetration during PIV, and some of the resulting advice is “just bear the pain, your body will adjust”. That seems wrong to me.
MasterSW: I bet you’ll write another post later extolling the unreal virtues of sex *sans condom*.
laouer: nICE welcome to buzzfeed mowie wowie howielowie. top TEN hear about IT