Feeling guilty after having casual sex?
I’m a 26 year old single man. I haven’t been in a committed relationship for 3 years. In those three years, I have sailed from fling to fling. I’ve had a really good time and had many great sexual encounters.
I’m currently in an open relationship with a male and female couple. I’m really enjoying it and feel great about it. However, I have also been seeing another woman for a couple of weeks.
With this woman, every time after we sleep together, I feel guilty. It’s like this deep sense of discomfort and dread lingering in the pit of my stomach. I have never felt it before in my life.
The woman is single. I am single. We both know it is nothing but a fling. She is a tourist visiting my country and she will be gone soon. There is literally no “extra baggage” about this whole thing. We both set boundaries about about the whole thing prior the sex. We are both on the same page.
So why do I feel guilty after every time we sleep together? I really don’t get it. Has anyone else felt this sense of guilt after sex (barring things like infedility, etc)?
ready2quit99: Do you maybe have feeling for her more than what you intended given your agreement? Maybe these feelings are making you feel guilty for the way she’s being treated in this. Obviously she’s a willing participant, I’m not suggesting you’re actually treating her poorly. I’m just wondering if there is something about HER and how you feel about HER that is making you feel guilt when you haven’t in the past. Maybe you see her as more than a FWB or a casual lay.
PNW_forever: Hey, I know exactly that feeling. For the longest time, I loved casual sexual encounters (everything from kissing, to a one time hookup, to friends with benefits). Then, in the last year, I started feeling awful after I hooked up with someone, unless it was my best friend. This is what I concluded:
When I was younger, I loved casual sex cause it was fun, and it gave me a sense of validation that someone found me attractive. Afterwards I’d feel good, cause I’d feel attractive and cause, again, sex is fun. But then I lost a decent amount of weight, and started becoming a lot more confident in myself physically. I know I’m attractive, and can get with people who I find attractive. However, I still had serious confidence issues with who I was as a person. After hooking up with someone that I didn’t know super well, or wasn’t super close with, I’d feel awful. There was an awful tightness in my stomach, and I was miserable for days or weeks afterwards. But after hooking up with a close friend who I knew loved me and cared about me in addition to finding me attractive, I didn’t feel as bad.
The reason that casual sex doesn’t feel good anymore is that it doesn’t satisfy the emotional side of it. It isn’t with someone who necessarily values me as a person, it’s just due to attraction. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not what I need right now.
It could be that the casual sex with little emotional connection isn’t giving you the comfort of knowing that she values you for something other than how attractive you are. Is your open relationship only sexual, or is it romantic too? If you’re emotionally close to them, you may be feeling the difference between having sex with people who you have a deeper connection with (whether it’s a close friend who knows you super well, or a romantic partner), and having sex with someone who doesn’t know you in that way. For some people, the difference doesn’t matter, and that’s fine. And maybe the difference will only matter at certain points in your life.
I hope this helps!