In all my years of being female—21 to be exact—I’ve witnessed many fruitless (and some successful) efforts by the other sex to capture my attention. Here they are, in no particular order of effectiveness.
Own a dog. Highly effective. Canine cuteness is contagious and can rub off on the owner, given he’s loving and attentive to his pup.
Be a Daddy. This method comes with the inherent disadvantage of finding another woman with which to have kids in the first place, and then subsequently losing her in time to coax another while your offspring are still adorable enough to entice her and oblivious enough not to notice that they’re being used.
Flaunt your college education. Boast about which university your parents paid to send you to, but be careful not to choke on the Ivy League degree they thrust so deeply up your backside that it’s clogging your big head. This method can be effective, but it attracts a certain type. If by some chance you find a woman willing to join you for a ride on that high horse of yours, don’t expect her to get off any time soon because she’s in it for the long haul. She is hunting for a husband to fund her privileged, lazy Stepford life. I recommend this move to men who want a housewife. If you’re looking for a one night stand…
Relate to her. This method can be tricky. It necessitates intelligence and wit. This move involves conversing with the subject long enough to trick her into revealing some of her interests, and then actually knowing about them, or at least pretending to convincingly.
Be her manager. Employ her, and she’ll be ever in your debt. Depending on how hot you are.
Have a beard.
Be irresistible, and show no interest in her whatsoever. Highly effective, but women may become obsessive, to a dangerous degree.
Compliment her on her outfit. Play up your attentiveness and sensitivity. Lead her to think you swing the other way, just long enough for her to wish you didn’t.