Mirella Santos in Playboy
Why do women seem to get off on being submissive so much?
This question is aimed at women, but anyone with insight is welcome to answer.
I’ve started sleeping with my new gf recently, and she really likes it when I take charge and basically do whatever I want with her. She even likes me to tell her what to wear/say/do in bed. She has flat out said that unless I want to do something painful, she will not refuse me anything at any time. Previous girlfriends have told me much the same thing. I get off on the opposite. Having a beautiful, sexy woman basically at my beck and call is my turn on. So just curious, what is it about giving up control to your man that makes it so hot for you?
MissQuickening: So, I can seriously never remember the context of this conversation (because it didn’t have to do with sex), but one day my therapist and I were talking about this and how if you are a woman who is empowered in most spheres of your life (you work, you rear children, you manage a household), being submissive sexually is highly desirable. I do think that my love of being submissive probably comes from feeling enormous pressures to be in control of myself and achieve ambitious goals, although I don’t know if that’s the whole picture.
But I will say that today’s society operates on a kind of female empowerment that *tends* to put a lot of pressure on women to not only fulfill a lot of the obligations of yesteryear (be sensitive and not rude, smile in public, be good at domestic activities, be a compassionate listener to your man, suppress your temper) but to ALSO (not instead) fulfill new ideals (work full time, earn degrees, be assertive [but not too assertive!], be sensitive but don’t cry or be whiny). I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s kind of a lot to hold down if you are one of those women who has received such messages loud and clear from an early age. Given that social climate, being completely in the hands of someone else feels amazing.
But again, I think there’s probably more to the story.
neverletmeknow: A couple of studies show that submissiveness is more common in women than men, but that it’s relatively common in men, too. I don’t think it’s entirely a gender thing, but there are a lot of social pressures of women not express their enjoyment in sex, or to focus sex on male pleasure, and to be ashamed of sex, so for some maybe it’s just a way to explore their enjoyment without feeling aggressive.
But then there are also people like me. I feel like sexual submissiveness is so fundamental to my being it’s essentially an orientation. I know that’s kind of controversial, but I had these inclinations from the time I was a young child (long before I knew they were sexual of course). The surrendering of power and the endorphin rush involved is like nothing else. Vanilla sex isn’t completely pointless or anything, but it is so much less appealing to me to a magnitude I can’t even really explain–having ONLY vanilla sex would be pretty much the same to me as having none.
Sometimes I do think BDSM and power play is linked pretty heavily to cultural misogyny, but also that is a transgression of that power structure rather than an active part of it. I also know that there is NO sexual culture or subculture that is more concerned with consent than BDSM. I also know that I felt this desire so young that it feels as innate–or more innate–than being heterosexual, for example.
I do not understand people into things like domestic discipline or 24/7 lifestylists, and I am kind of uncomfortable with that, but to each their own. For me I need equality in all other areas of a relationship and it is fundamentally sexual.
whiskey_pants: I like both (being submissive and being in control). The part that likes submission though enjoys not thinking, not making decisions or choices, and I feel better able to give over to my senses. That said, at other times, I just want to run the show and at those times, it seems to me that feeling of control gives me a similar sense of letting my sexual side take over, so in the end it’s a different form of submitting, one to someone else, and one to myself.
I do not think there is an absolute answer. I had a friend who liked it because she was actually pretty lazy, knew her dude was into it, and then she didn’t need to *try* to do anything to get him going other than be cooperative.
ireasearch: Please be aware that not all women like being submissive. I am not. It is something I make clear up front when dating. I like to have control in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. I will point at the love seat and expect my man to walk over to it and drop his pants to get blown. I like to decide when we should change positions. I like to pick the positions.
If a man tried to tell me what to do in bed, it would not go well. My clothing would be going back on and I would be leaving.
Nothing is hot to me about giving up control. For me, having control is hot!
queenpizzasaurus: I have to be 100% in control of everything all the time because I’m a single parent, and I don’t get help. So being submissive is me giving the reigns to someone else for a brief period and I just do as I’m told! 😛 It’s a nice break.
purple-raven-lady: Not all of us do.
MC_Poodat_Wontflush: I dated an NYPD detective (female) who wouldn’t admit it but she preferred to be dominated. First time we slept together, she began to literally punch me in the head as she began to climax. It was not exactly pleasant so I grabbed her wrists & held her down. That was her trigger for a massive finish. No idea how that’s a thing. I could never allow myself to be out of control & enjoy it.
L_Reading: My guy is pretty shy and reserved compared to me, it’s the one time he takes control and isn’t ashamed of having a “voice”. It’s the one place we switch demeanors.
I enjoy losing control in this way because I am in control all the time.
thankskathrynobvious: It’s highly likely that submissive women are drawn to you because they sense that you’re dominant. I’d be careful about applying such anecdotal evidence to approximately half the human population.
empress_p: Can’t speak for other women; my tendency toward non-dominance is probably heavily rooted in anxiety problems.
I spend all day battling nonsensical fear responses and let me tell you that is the recipe for a dead libido right there. But if someone else is in the driver’s seat, I can stop worrying and relax.
Nonamesfound: It’s a caveman/cavewoman thing.
mancozbi: I once heard it’s a genetic thing. When the men of the neighbouring tribe came to ransack the village, or the imperialistic army conquered the town, the marauders/ soldiers would rape all the desirable women. Women who wouldn’t submit were killed. Submissive women got pregnant. The male offspring were dominant and strong like daddy, and the female sexually submissive like mummy.