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Give Me Sex, Jesus
- How do I educate my inexperienced religious girlfriend?
I(24M) started dating a great girl(24F), who was really religious her whole life and only now starts opening up a little.
As far as I know she got no sex Ed at all, but a little about menstruation. That’s all. Her knowledge about sex is, the guy “enters” the girl. I think that she more of less understands what goes where in PIV. I was trying to discuss the topic a few times and first she was too embarrassed talking about it but now starts opening up about it a little.
I do not think she masturbates at all, or even considered it (at home all the doors are always open and the only computer is in her sisters room) and has a negative opinion about porn.
Where do I start, what to teach? How can I slowly get her to learn about herself? About everything sexual?
beansontoastrocks: Tell her to get a mirror and have a look down there. She needs to know where her vagina, clit, urethra, labia minora, labia majora etc. are. Then try to get her to start masturbating or just touching herself. She needs to get used to her body. You need to take it slow. If you are not from the same background as her, maybe research her background so you know where she is coming from. Also, communicate.
catjacket12: From what it sounds like she knows nothing. First you need to teach her about her vagina. And how her body operates and also teach her about the male body. And start gradually with her. It take people like her steps to get to sex. She’s like a teenager, just take it all slow
OLovah: I would ask her what would make her feel comfortable. Maybe you could almost do a “book club” together. Find something relevant, each of you read it privately, then you can discuss it together in casual conversation on an ongoing basis. That way you’ll both be receiving the same information and you won’t be throwing things at her that she’s not familiar with.
I really commend you for being so patient with her and wanting to educate her in the true sense. That’s rare.
Quagga_Resurrection: Read The Guide to Getting it On together and discuss what you read. It starts out tame enough and it encompasses everything. Also Google “sex in the scriptures.” There is an entire psalm about the delight of sucking on tits.
Maxable_83: Both my wife and I grew up in a religious household. We are both in our mid 30s it wasnt until just recently that I realized that everything sex related that was taught to me was from the church. So that basically means you save yourself for marriage. There may be years of rewiring everything that has been taught to her through church and family. She may experience guilt and may not find it necessary to explore sexuality. Just be patient in the process don’t expect a quick response or her to quickly agree with everything. Make sure you create a safe environment for expression of self and open yourself up to express your vulnerability to help her understand we all have wanted needs and desires, its ok to express them and not to repress them.
KatherineMonroe: So she’s interested in learning more? I know you said she was embarrassed and is opening up a little, but is she OK with learning more? Just want to make sure she’s not being pushed into sex or being sexual before she’s ready. However she DOES need to know about how her body, and men’s bodies, work.
This resource is a little old (written in 1969) but it’s not like the human body and its functions have changed since then. It’s a set of books called the Life Cycle Library. My mom gave me that as well as Our Bodies, Our Selves way back in 1980 when I was about 10. It explains everything about the reproductive system (I believe both female and male). There may be an updated version or something similar but I recommend this as she can learn about everything in the privacy of her own home/room at her preferred speed.
Mazcok: I question a relationship with someone who comes from a background like this. I think there will always be too many sexual hangups. I know you really like this girl, but she has to really be something special in order for me to stay around.
Also, in this instance I would highly recommend that you verify that you are sexually compatible before marriage, or you will be setting yourself up for a dead bedroom.
wheel1234: I’d say, don’t turn into her teacher. Encourage her to ask questions. Also, maybe let her rely on a sister, or experienced female friend. I, personally would find a male trying to School me on my vagina a little obnoxious
rohanman: We’ve all been in her shoes at one time in our lives. Have her read [this](https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_12?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=sex+101+scarlett&sprefix=sex+101+scar%2Caps%2C313&crid=17PSJGTY6G4SO&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Asex+101+scarlett). It’s a very simply written how to on sex acts. It gives detailed examples for performing and receiving sex. Consider reading it together maybe…good luck!
Eldergoth: I was dating an exJW that had the same issues. When we used to fool around I would talk her through what I was doing and were I was touching. The same for when she would touch me. This way she gets used to both her and your body. You may want to also get some high school aged sex ed books to help her, if she is to embarrassed to use them it could also be a helpfull tool for you to explain things at that level.
willlard: I grew up in a sheltered Christian home. I didn’t know what an orgasm was and I didn’t masturbate until I was 18. And I’m a guy.
You’re going to have to be open to the idea that she might not want anything to do with sex. If she is still very religious, she may want to wait for marriage. Make sure this is what SHE wants before you start trying to teach her about it. And if she doesn’t want it, then that’s it. But if she does, ease her into it. It’s not a casual topic to her. It’s not a fun topic for her. If she is still religious, she will probably feel guilty after she does anything sexual. She needs to know what she’s getting into before it happens. She’ll need plenty time to think about it on her own. And please don’t try to convince her to go against her beliefs.
Think carefully about how you’re going to approach this. Keep your mind open. Know your priorities. You may need to be very patient.
splice_my_genes: I grew up religious, though I rebelled early and started fooling around a bit in high school.
Keep in mind that not only is she repressed and uneducated, she’s a woman raised in a very conservative environment. She has been taught that her needs do not matter, and that desire makes her unclean and wrong.
It’s going to take some time to unlearn that. So be patient. But for now, some specific advice:
Try blindfolding her and having her lay down on the bed. Tell her she doesn’t need to do anything but enjoy. That you want her to relax and to trust you. And that if she ever wants you to stop, to just tell you and you will.
Without sight, she won’t be looking for judgement in your eyes, she won’t be thinking about how to put on the perfect face for you, she won’t be watching herself engaging in “sin”. It will help her get out of her own head and just FEEL. Touch her with your fingertips, explore her body, use your tongue. See where she squirms, moans, recoils, freezes, etc. Move towards the places she enjoys. Play around with it. Then talk about it afterwards. Ask her which parts she liked. Tell her you noticed that she seemed to enjoy certain spots and certain sensations. Start the conversation about her own pleasure.
It will take some time, so be patient – especially if you care about her. If you do this for her, I guarantee you she won’t forget it.
ivythewitch: Get her a book about it for kids and teens. It will explain it gently but with clear and simple language and it can help begin the conversation.
Ripcent: This is exactly what I’m going through rn but further in process. She moved from nothing to loving swallowing pretty quick. Still adamant on no sex before marriage but she’s amazing so it’s alright.
tfresca: She needs to move out. Her parents are stifling her. Also buy her vibe to play with at your place. She can use it by herself so there is no pressure.
smpl-jax: When I was a youngster, my parents got me a book to read and then asked me if I had any questions.
I’m sure there are some good educational books out there. Get one and read it with her
MyCatMerlin: [Scarleteen] (http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality) is a fantastic resource
B0h1c4: I think you need to confirm that she is actually interested in learning and comfortable with learning from you.
If she’s not interested, don’t force it. Just let her learn in the fly. If she’s interested, but is uncomfortable with you being her “instructor”, then just cheekily share an informative article or something with her every now and then and let her learn on her own.
I would focus on the topics of safe sex, and general pleasure 101…clitoral vs G spot, positions, etc. Don’t overwhelm her with the more adventurous stuff.
siren_sailor: I infer from OP’s description of her upbringing that she may have never had a proper gyn exam or a pap smear. She is about eight years behind on proper care. I’d suggest you prompt her to find a female doc and encourage her to pose concerns to the doc.
Not that it does anyone here any good, but I know several female docs who would handle such a situation with compassion and kindness. Your and her challenge will be to find such a doc where you all live.
Whatchamathing: Send her to Scarleteen and let her research for herself, that’s going to be way less awkward for her
MyCatMerlin: Also, a bit of a sidebar, but a good documentary to watch that helps parse out some of those feelings is [Give Me Sex, Jesus] (http://givemesexjesus.com/)
kmacaze: You might need to bridge the religion gap first if it’s an issue. There are tons of videos and tutorials out there if she wants to view them on her own or it might be fun to watch then together. You might even learn something yourself that she might like! Go through the process with her, don’t make it a problem, make it an opportunity.
fqw102: Buy her sex ed books and videos.
LaidBackInCT: I’d teach her how to find a new boyfriend. Hahaaa