My girlfriend wants me to “rape” her
The quotes are there because obviously it can’t be rape if she consents. Still I’m kind of uncomfortable.
She’s admitted to me lately that she has a fantasy of this that she wants to try out, and not just “rough sex”. She wants me to at one point when we’re free and doing some non-sexual activity like eating a meal to have me grab her, force her out of her clothes and then force myself on her sexually. OK, well I asked her if she wanted to try that now while we were watching Netflix and our show ended and she said “no, you asked. You need to just do it.” So basically, no warning.
So one, this kind of creeps me out and I’m wondering why she even desires that but I try not to be judgmental. But this kind of blurs the line a bit, what if I force myself on her at a time she’s just not feeling like that? How do I determine that she’s not just fighting back or saying “no” playing the part or because she legitimately doesn’t want to? And since I wouldn’t be capable of doing this on an actual nonconsenting woman without feeling like a complete piece of shit, how do I remain hard the whole time? Because having sex with someone who’s even playing that she doesn’t want it doesn’t strike me as sexy.
Advice? Anyone done anything like this?
LadyLilithStJames: Consent goes both ways, you’re allowed to say no too.
Assuming you decide to go through with it, a safeword would be appropriate here.
perfectionisajourney: If you choose to do this, please protect yourself by recording her giving you the blanket consent as well as her acknowledgement of the safe word and that this is being done at HER request.
DreadfulRauw: You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
If you decide to, you need to talk about it beforehand. Not immediately beforehand, since you want it to be a surprise, but some time before. Ask her what her boundaries are. Make sure you establish a clear safeword that means “stop immediately” and maybe one that means “back off for a moment” or “lets break the scene for a moment to I can tell you something.” And you set your boundaries. For example, I love rough aggressive sex, but like you, I don’t like the idea of rape. So I make it clear I don’t want that word used during the scene.
Talking about it might make you more comfortable with the idea, and let her state what she’s looking for. Then, sometime in the next week, you just do it.
nextmanonthemoon: Discuss a safe word (e.g. Humpty Dumpty, something non sex related I’d suggest). That gives her the option to call it quits whenever she doesn’t feel like it.
That would solve (most) issues you’re describing.
And if you feel uncomfortable maybe start out with ‘rough ++’ sex? Tying her down, forcing off her clothes (there are better people here to give advice on such things)
Higher_Living: My understanding is that a lot of women express ‘rape’ fantasies, but what they actually mean is more along the lines of feeling that their partner is so turned on by them he loses control and they want to surrender to that.
It’s more being ravished than raped, in my understanding.
I hope this helps, OP. Of course you don’t want to rape your partner, but playing with this kind of thing can be fun as long as you ‘re both clear about the lines and have a safe word and can talk about it openly afterwards.
luckycharms4life: Why not suggest that you work up to it? My husband likes when I give him a huge green light (like lingerie) but then fight him. That would be a good middle ground until you’re feeling more comfortable.
edubkendo: If you want to get more educated on the subject, read up on consensual non-consent. Then you can make an informed decision about whether this is something you are willing to try or not.
MyCatMerlin: Number one -if you really don’t want to do this, don’t. Consent is a two way street. That being said, her arousal may end up making this a good experience, but you can always stop.
Number two -SAFEWORD! Set up the safeword weeks in advance, try using it in non-kink situations (look up the green/yellow/red light system, adapt to fit your needs). Something that may help is to have the precise time up to you, but agree on a day/set of days when it *could* happen. It has the benefit of you not catching her at a genuinely bad time while boosting the anticipation but not “ruining” the spontaneity. Also talk through and do some research on ways to avoid actually hurting her -vaginal tearing, or sprained wrists, or pulled muscles (bruises fade 🙂 ) .
Number three- good luck, and I hope it becomes an enjoyable experience if you choose to go through this.
tiamariamix: I’ve heard of couple who do this and the woman wears a certain necklace, shirt etc on days shes open to it
BoopSnootExpress: I’m a guy who loves consensual non-consensual play (fancy term for “rape” play). You’ve already had plenty of people tell you good measures to stay safe (record her consent and the understood safe word, etc)
So here’s a bit about the “why” behind this desire. It could be different for her, but I’m a submissive man who enjoys lack of control, being taken advantage of, fear, vulnerability, feeling used, humiliated, degraded, being overpowered and feeling powerless, feeling dirty, etc.
There’s a lot of feelings behind each of those ideas for me. I imagine she may be interested in it for similar reasons while also having some of her own that I didn’t list.
It’s one of the darker parts of BDSM play (or at least that’s how I associate it). You’d want to talk with her at length about what she’s comfortable with as far as all of this goes. Would it be okay to slap her? How much pain would she be willing to endure during the struggle (like from grabbing her wrists tightly or something)? If she likes feeling used and dirty, does that mean she’d love it if you did something like spit in her face or talk down to her by calling her a whore, bitch, etc.?
When you’re delving into a world like this, negotiating before the “scene” is critical. The idea of it being a scene/roleplay is why she didn’t want to dive into it when you asked her for permission. It sounds like she doesn’t want to give permission. She may get a kick out of having that control taken away from her by surprise and force.
Negotiating before the scene will let you see what is okay and not okay to do once the scene starts. Some people love getting slapped in a consensual non-consensual scene. For others, it may be a bad trigger that would legitimately bother her. Everyone is different. Since you’re potentially engaging with her in a way where both of you are acting out a certain role, you have to know what you’re allowed to do so you don’t overstep anything that might ruin the scene or even traumatize her.
Lastly, aftercare is important. You will want to know if she has ever been raped for real, or has ever been raped as part of a consensual scene, that way you know her experience in the matter. Either way, once the scene is over, be there for her. Make sure she’s okay. Make sure she had fun, but also make sure she isn’t experiencing any lingering feelings that will spill into your relationship. If she likes dirty talk and you said some terrible things to/about her, make sure she knows that was part of the scene and not how you truly feel. Make sure she isn’t seriously injured in some way. Ask her what was most fun about it, what was least fun about it, what may have bothered her along the way, etc. You will also want to share with her how you feel about these things, too, so she understands where you’re at with all this…especially because it sounds like this is something you haven’t done or thought about a lot.
In the end, you shouldn’t do it if it makes you uncomfortable. Forced kink play isn’t fun for anyone, because she’ll probably be able to tell you’re unhappy about doing it and you’ll be unhappy about doing it, so you won’t be having fun either.
Do some research. Consensual non-consensual play is something a lot of people do and talk about online. It’s a thrilling fantasy, but playing in that realm can also go horribly wrong if you don’t know what you’re doing. Be careful, good luck, and have fun if you decide to try it out.
meltallica82: If you’re not comfortable then it’s absolutely ok for you to refuse. But if you do decide to try it then establishing a safeword is a must. No isn’t enough. Put some ground rules in place first.
IllicitIntentions: It’s called consentual non consent, I’d consider asking /r/bdsmcommunity. They’ll probably have better information.
FireFerretDann: Rape fantasies are pretty common.
As everyone else said, definitely set up a safe word, and maybe some sort of provable consent. The safe word lets her say fake no’s while still being able to actually tell you to stop if she wants, so it’s super important.
Someone else suggested starting with (or depending on your comfort level only doing) some middle ground. Maybe just telling her “take off your clothes; we’re fucking now.” At some time you wouldn’t normally have sex, but having it be normal sex otherwise. Ask her how she imagines it going down, what she doesn’t want, and what parts of this turn her on. Then do things within your comfort zone that build toward this fantasy, and discuss what you want to do.
But to get you hyped up about this a little: you just got a free pass to fuck your girlfriend *whenever you want*.*
^(*as long as she doesn’t say the safe word, then you have to stop)
ArrowRobber: You establish a safe word, that safe word is the ‘exit’ to the scene.
To keep the ‘surprise’ alive, make double checking that everyone remembers the safeword as part of waking up / the first meal of the day together &/ going to bed.
You can start lighter as you gauge how well she’s responding to it. From simple ‘rough’ sex, up to the full rape fantasy.
Jupiter178: Consent is a two-way street. If you’re not comfortable with it, you shouldn’t do it.
HuginnsReturn: This isnt a hard problem to solve. Agree on a safe word. Untill it said during your “rape romp” its all green lights.
xseqter: Get a safeword
thenewpizza1: You have every right to say no as well. I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable.
Jay_Byrd: Safeword, safeword, safeword!
macaroon18: She wants to meet your beast
Zoverdrive23: I’d be very uncomfortable too. You’re not alone
jumorgan: I would just tell her that you’re personally uncomfortable with it and you don’t think you would be into it.
It seems sketchy. Like what if it ruins regular sex for you? And what if she used it against you? Idk. I’m not a guy but I wouldn’t risk it if I were.
porn_alt_acc2950: The safe word is lobster. So don’t do it while you guys are eating lobster.
mfball: You should discuss this more with her, and definitely establish both a safe word and hand signal (in case she can’t verbalize the safe word) so that you don’t have to guess her roleplay “no” from a real “no.” You also don’t have to do this at all if you’re not comfortable with the idea.
wolfington12: Safe word
rraychul: rape isnt the right word here. consensual non consent is what she means. you definitely need a safe word, and as much as she might not want to, you do need to discuss exactly what youre allowed to do. e.g. tie her up, blindfold her, slap her, call her names. then when/if you feel ready you can take her by surprise with boundaries already discussed and the safeword being in place will allow her and yourself to know that this is consensual. if she really isnt into it at that moment then boom – safeword – and no hard feelings
PervOtaku: > But this kind of blurs the line a bit, what if I force myself on her at a time she’s just not feeling like that?
I think that’s kind of the point. Since she’s asking you for this, it’s pretty likely that as soon as you force yourself on her without warning, she will be instantly “feeling like that”.
> How do I determine that she’s not just fighting back or saying “no” playing the part or because she legitimately doesn’t want to?
Like everybody else says, safeword.
See the FAQ in /r/rapekink for more.
agarbage: I tried something like this with an ex girlfriend a handful of times. She brought up a similar fantasy and we decided upon me waiting for her at her home when she didnt know i was there. I would drag her to the ground and tear her clothes off and force myself on her and slap her around a little bit and just leave afterwards. she screamed the first time we tried it and it instantly turned me off and i couldnt follow through with it for a while.
jfroh: safeword, you don’t have to do it.
MisterMiscellaneous: If you go through with it you 100% need a safe word. Some out of the blue word that would never be used in an intimate encounter. Something like “pumpernickel” or “Oreo” lol. Anyway, make sure you’re both on the same page and ask as many questions beforehand as you have to. I’m also the kind of guy that likes to cover his own ass. In this scenario I’d probably whip my phone out and record her consenting to this, and having her say that she is under no pressure to saying yes. A lot of people will say this is totally over the top, but hey, sometimes you have I cover your butt. Clarify everything, tell her to use the safeword if she’s not in the mood and doesn’t want it or boundaries are being crossed, and that “no” will be treated as acting the part. 100% communication could really make this dangerous. If you’re both comfortable and on the same page, I see nothing wrong with it. But if you feel uncomfortable by this at all, please do not feel like you have to do this. You’re totally allowed to tell her this isn’t something you’re willing to do.
Onecrappieday: Safe word and NOTARIZED consent form. I don’t care if she’s been your wife for thirty years dude. One word from a female to law enforcement, your life is over! There is no “innocent until proven guilty” with that crap!
Once you have the consent, and it is filed with your lawyer for safe keeping, do as she asks and have fun!
Never know, you may get a threesome surprise for your birthday!
froderick: >*How do I determine that she’s not just fighting back or saying “no” playing the part or because she legitimately doesn’t want to?*
jsnowpop: Safe word is definitely the way to go. Everyone has different desires, if this is what she wants I say go for it! There may eventually be something you want that she doesn’t love and hopefully she’ll return the favor. Keep both parties safe! And open up – try everything once! 😉
PilsnerDk: I think you’re overanalyzing. If you’re boyfriend/girlfriend, have a good relationship, and she has aired this fantasy, there’s almost no risk she will feel uncomfortable about it if you suddenly “rape” her like this. She will subconsciously know what’s up, and not feel truly raped.
Some women are fine with the man suddenly starting to pull off their clothes and engage in sex within the span of less than a minute, without feeling violated or needing to “agree” to sex first, cue a long warm-up phase.
If I were you, I’d try things like putting your cock in her mouth, handling her firmly, and doing her from behind, and perhaps in a room you don’t normally have sex in. I can’t look into your GF’s mind and see what turns her on, but those are my suggestions.
Jeskemo: If you look at the rational behind rape and the psychological need for people to rape another person you will find that it is not a crime of sex and passion, but a crime of dominance and control. Men get raped in jail as an act of dominance by the person or people doing the raping. Your girlfriend is asking you if you can dominate her which is fine, but what happens if she then runs off to her family, friends and the police and says that you raped her? I think that you should just say no and leave it at that. Most guys don’t like being violent towards their sexual partners and your girlfriend is asking you to be violent with her and to do things to her against her will. If she has ever talked with a rape victim she would know that being violated by someone is not pleasurable. So I think that her fantasy to be dominated is not consistent with a normal sexual fantasy. For example, if you have never tried anal sex and your girlfriend is not into anal sex, what will she do if you force yourself onto her and anally rape her? If you do feel the need to go through with what she is asking for, then get her to put her request in writing and for her to sign it and also get her stating her wishes on video.
Wolfy1060: Safe word
throwaway93_4: Literally all your worries are easily solvable with a safeword.