Don’t know how to take the fact that a man I (16f) just slept with gave me money after
So I met this older guy at a concert I went to with my sister and her friends last night. They’re older and I dressed up so I kind of looked around the same age. He was so handsome and charming and invited me back to his place after the show but I couldn’t so I told him tonight bc my parents were going out of town (and my sis is in college/doesn’t live at home)
We went out to dinner and the park and back to his house for drinks and it started getting physical (age difference is big but legal) and we ended up having sex. He dropped me off at home and I was getting ready for bed when I noticed a big envelope with cash in my purse.
I don’t want to ask him but could he have really thought I was a hooker? Do people seriously just assume and pay for sex??
EDIT: I did not expect this strong a reply to the age difference (though I knew it’s borderline creepy even if 100% legal) – so much so that I honestly had not considered it being hush money. If it were, why would he take me out to dinner, and then walk around the (busy) park? He already knew I was young and still asked me out not like to a candlelit dinner at his house in secrecy….
It would make sense though, I guess. Though after sleeping on it and reading all of this I think he might be manipulative but not in like an evil way. Maybe he feels like a 16 yr old wouldn’t be interested in a second date unless he gave a gift? But then he’d say something?
It’s all very strange but I am going to text with him today for an answer and then probably not see him again. But I will play it by ear after our convo today and how I feel.
Thanks for everyone’s input and concern…helped give me perspective
skahammer: There are too many uses of the words “creep” and “creepy” in these comments.
When you’re criticizing sexual behavior, try to make your criticisms direct and substantive. Epithets like “creepy” are strongly disfavored in this forum, at least for describing sexual choices that are substantially autonomous.
Comments referring to OP’s encounter here as “creepy” or “creep” may be removed without further warning.
notyouraverageGIJane: I really wanna know, how old was he to have an envelope of cash to give to a random teen he fucked?
Num1DeathEater: Sis, my advice for you is this: spend that dudes money and don’t think twice about it and then never think about it again. Then stop messing with older dudes. I don’t want to sound like a broken record but: we’ve all been 16 and there’s things we all wish we could go back and change and everyone here just wants you to live your best life. People here are talking from experience, not ignorance or judgement (mostly).
metalhammer69: Given your age and his age, I can think of three options immediately:
1. He legit thought you fucked him for money
2. He thinks he can manipulate you by feeding you money (and now he knows where you live). I know it doesn’t seem like it at your age, but there is a world of difference between you two. Would you hook up with an 10 year old (let’s assume for the sake of metaphor that the 10 year old had the body of a 16 year old, it doesn’t make sense but just play along with me)? That’s only *beginning* to touch the difference between a 40+ year old (Let’s be honest here, he didn’t tell you his real age for a reason) hooking up with a 16 year old. This is illegal in many places for a reason.
3. He feels guilty and paid you to feel better or he just likes paying women
I’ll be honest, those whole post feels predatory on his part. You may think I’m an asshole for suggesting so, but please be careful OP. I’d bet a wad of cash myself that this won’t be the last you see of Mr. Moneybags
HudabJi: Does this bother you because you’re imagining that this made you, in effect, a hooker?
Korona123: How much money are we talking about. Like cab ride money or like couple of hundreds or like couple of thousands?
jambusmaximus: I think he paid you for sex/your silence.
Some people here think it could be a present, but why don’t give it in hand? He’s an experienced adult brave enought to talk to you in a concert, not the shy type if you ask me. Some cheap line like “I wanted to gift you something but I didn’t know your tastes” while he hands you the envelope would have been enought to disipate doubts.
I’m not going to advice you to don’t see him again because I don’t know the whole story. If you’re going to meet again sort this out first, presents are ok, but don’t let him think you’re something you aren’t, don’t let him asume he can pay for your services.
al1716: Maybe it was money to keep you quiet because he realized he was sleeping with someone half his age without making that known wtf
gamer_zzzz: What kind of money are you talking about in the envelope?
ezagreb: He knows you are not a hooker. His payment is a form of assuaging his guilt, insulting as it may be to you.
pilibitti: He’s into being a sugar daddy. That money probably has no strings attached. If it suits you, you may reach out to him to be his “companion” and he’s hinting that he’ll take care of you if it suits you. You don’t have to be into it, but there are tons of women that are into it. There even is a subreddit for women in such relationships.
ClaraCrisp: Assuming you didn’t do or say anything that would make him think you’re an escort (you met at a concert, so I wouldn’t think so), maybe he’s a sugar daddy. Maybe he just likes you and enjoys spoiling. Who knows.
I guess you could ask him about it if you think you’ll see each other again. If you start dating and you’re not comfortable with him giving you money and gifts, you’ll want to work that out early on. If not going to see him, you had a good time and got some cash out of it.
ArcaneGlyph: I would go get an std test.
anarrogantbastard: If you had a good time all around, I would just take the cash as a nice little bonus to a fun fling. Put it in a savings account and forget about it for awhile. I wouldn’t take this relationship further however, you are frankly not old enough imo to decide if you are okay with trading sex for money, and that seems to be the relationship he desires.
WestBrink: I’m not going to insult you and say that since you’re only 16 you don’t know your mind. You may be mature enough to handle this, I know I wouldn’t have been at 16…
That said, the guy sounds like a creep. That isn’t normal behavior, and my first thought is that it’s probably an attempt to trap you to keep having sex with him. Don’t spend the money, and don’t accept more until you have a candid conversation about it. Yes, a sugar relationship CAN be legal, but there’s not a lot of difference in the eyes of the law between an older man in a sexual relationship gifting a woman large sums of money and straight up paying for sex, and it would be an easy line to cross…
OhGahFuck: So how much did he give you??
l2daless: He might be trying to lure you into prostitution. I would never see him again if I were you
KrullTheWarriorKing: If you don’t mind me asking, what country are you in?
asovietfort: Kinda sounds like he’s grooming you. Either to be his little toy, or to use for someone else, because you owe him “he’s done all these nice things for you.”
Either way, not a situation you want to find yourself in. Not worth the risk.
pickinNgrinnin: You should not even continue to text him!! Sure, you’re leagally allowed to have sex with people…*but* there are fucking creeps out there. Like everyone else has been saying, he gave you hush money. Bet he has a wife or a girlfriend. No *sane man* in his 30s or 40s would be going after and dating a 16 year old girl who hasn’t even experienced *real* life yet. And if you DO come across someone like that (like you clearly have) fucking RUN! He isn’t there to make you his happy little girlfriend. :/
appmanga: Sometimes a guy thinks this is a way to do something nice for you, particularly if he doesn’t think he’s going to see you again. He’s also left you with a lot to think about, but I don’t think he meant to imply that you were a hooker.
black_rage_hotdogs: You will think about this experience so differently when you are 30 and more so when/if you have a 16 year old daughter. Dude sounds like a scum bag; I’m around 30 and can barely talk to college age kids. We have nothing in common and they all sound like the inexperienced idiot I once was. Give the money back, it is a total manipulation. If you keep it, you will likely feel guilty by not giving him something back or he will use it against you. Also, he didn’t ask… he just stuffed it in your purse. This isn’t normal behavior, regular people don’t do that. Jesus… are you close to your father? Does he own firearms? Are you going to tell him about this or might he find out? You don’t have to answer… just, damn.. That’s kind of a nightmare
FaKeShAdOw: >I don’t want to ask him but could he have really thought I was a hooker? Do people seriously just assume and pay for sex??
usually if they think they exploited in some way, like they thought there was NOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking way you would have slept with them under normal circumstances, then they pay you.
so yeah. they do just pay you sometimes.
i’ve had dudes pay my paypal account for fucking selfies, and they googled my shit to even find my paypal. like forcibly give me money lmao
GoondockSaints: I don’t want to scare you and it may not be what is happening but this type of behavior is a tactic sometimes used by sex traffickers. An older guy being a gentleman, showing a young girl a nice time, testing boundaries and giving lavish gifts. Over time he becomes manipulative and starts pushing boundaries sexually until it evolves into a sex trade. That sounds extreme, I know. But it does happen. So please be cautious if you have contact with him again. Sex trafficking does not always look like it does in movies like Taken. It can be more subtle and insidious. Again, that may not be what’s happening at all, he may be giving you hush money or he may have thought you were a sex worker (although in most states a person under the age of 18 and working in the sex trade, is considered a victim, not a criminal). This is just something to keep in mind if you choose to interact with him again. Trust your instincts. Also, you haven’t done anything wrong. You are free to have sex with whomever you choose. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If the age difference is legal where you live and you were a willing participant, then nothing was wrong. The only reason I’m concerned for you is the money that was left in your purse unexplained.
GoldenGonzo: How much money?
lawonga: Head over to /r/personalfinance with bag of cash
jb4evermatch: May I ask what State this occurred in please? where he contacted you and be really careful with that because he may have mental issues! be very careful and especially if he picked you up at your residence may I ask what Country or State you’re in? I’m not asking for your exact address I’m just asking the State you’re in??
frito_lexus: If you’re in the U.S., it’s not legal if he gave you money because of the sex. It’s a federal crime to have sex with someone under the age of 18 in exchange for money. He would be subject to a mandatory minimum 10 year prison sentence if prosecuted.
howyalikdemapples: What country do you live in that it’s legally okay for him to be “twice your age”?
RubyRyder: Everyone is freaking out about the age difference, geez. Sorry you are feeling lectured.
Large age discrepancies freak a lot of people out, especially in this gender direction. The only validity I have been able to find in their objections beyond ‘creepy’ and ‘just shouldn’t’ in other threads like this is that the highest rates of coercion are found when there is a large age discrepancy. This does NOT mean that every pairing with a large age discrepancy involves coercion! Many pairings of this sort are fond early sexual experience memories for people – these comments show up in threads that discuss this as well as all the people who freak out.
Now, about the money. It is rare for a man to just throw money down after having some fun with a woman if she has not made it clear she’s a professional. And money can be a form of coercion and power.
I would hope that you had a good time, you never felt pressured to do anything you didn’t want to, and that he treated you with respect, kindness and attentiveness. But the money thing muddies the waters. If he did treat you well and you want to see him again, ask him about it. You don’t have to say, “Did you think I was a hooker?” How about, “So….I’m curious, why did you leave that money in my purse?”
spliffygiggle: It sounds like hush money…
Justine772: He could be trying to be your sugar daddy. Fulfilling some sort of fetish. Won’t know until you text him though
Iggys1984: Sounds like this may be a way to tempt you into sex trafficking or prostitution….
Be very careful, OP. Talk to a therapist or counselor about this. They may be more knowledgeable of ways predators target young women such as yourself.
He may have given you this money to see if you come back. “Test the waters” on if you like receiving money for sex. Maybe he wants to get you into prostitution, and this was his lead. You may hear from him, he may ask if you enjoyed that, and try to tell you that real prostitution is really that easy. From what I have heard, it isn’t. He may also say he is going to get you into prostitution, and then actually abduct you into sex trafficking. There is a lot of risk here. Ultimately you know very little about this man, so caution would be wise.
What you did was not prostitution. It was consensual sex between two people. With how he made you feel afterwards, I wouldn’t recommend seeing him again. Especially if he is some kind of pimp or worse… A sex trafficker.
He could just be a guy that likes younger women. He specifically said he was twice you’re age… Did he know you were 16 or did he assume you were your sisters age? Either way, most men aren’t comfortable with that kind of age difference. Maybe he was paying you for your silence. Maybe he did feel guilty and wanted to give you a gift. It’s pretty much guaranteed it wasn’t prostitution as you didn’t discuss prices ahead of time. Just be aware there could be more sinister motivations here, so be safe.
RobotPigOverlord: I’m sorry but that guy is a creep, he took advantage of the fact that high school age girls are very susceptible to attention from attractive older men. Its not normal for a 30something guy to give a 16 year old alcohol and then have sex with her. Hes old enough to know how creepy that is. You’re a kid, not necessarily aware of that. He wouldn’t date you publicly because he knows how people would react to that. I wouldn’t even bother discussing this with him, id block his number. If you feel the need to talk with him, id just say to him that him giving you money made you extremely uncomfortable and you do not want to talk with him anymore. He knows what he did was wrong. No need to feel bad about what happened, we all have weird experiences in dating/sex, but just learn from your experience (i think there’s a lot of wisdom in the general rule of dating that says the youngest a person should date is 1/2 their age + 7, so for example, that guy you went on a date with, if hes 32, the youngest he should date is 23, which to me is completely reasonable, 23 is VERY young for a 32 year old). So yeah, we live and we learn. You weren’t victimized, so dont feel bad, but what he did was wrong. We live and we learn. Dont give him the money back, maybe consider donating it to a charitable cause that is close to your heart, like perhaps to a local animal rescue or womens shelter. It would be tempting to buy something expensive for yourself but your parents will likely find it and wonder how you bought it. Donating that money to help fund charitable works, that would be a beautiful thing.
Also, consider reading “Protecting the Gift”, or “The Gift of Fear” (both by Gavin De Becker). The first book is written for parents, however it contains common sense dating advice for teens. De Becker is not a hysterical safety freak, hes a level headed, reasonable man who teaches people to listen to their intuition, and basic common sense knowledge that are important in interpersonal relationships.
stevenotreallysteve: I can’t read this whole thread. But from scanning a few, I’ll offer a counterperspective:
— If a chick looks 18 and hot and willing, there’s nothing wrong with a dude fucking her, with consent. I don’t see anything but total consent here. Was she sexy, sweet, smiling, smokin hot, and generally awesome? How are you gonna fault a dude for going with that? If she’s an adult, and doesn’t look pervertedly young, then it’s nature, and it’s awesome. Sex is awesome.
— If a dude wants to give a girl some money, again there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t see any terms or expectations written here. It it’s a gift, maybe she looked like she needed it, and maybe he’s got a crapload of cash.
I’m not saying this was right and ok and nothing bad happened. I just don’t see it in the description, and there’s a lot of outrage written in the comments here, and that seems like too much assumption of facts not in evidence.
misterbondpt: He wants to be your Sugar Daddy. Makes him feel powerful and wealthy.
livingtribunal99: There are many possible reasons, none of which are good. Ask yourself what amount of money is worth getting sexually abused and damaging you mentally for life (no amount). Best just to move on and never contact him again.
lambo1109: It might be money so you don’t tell on him for sleeping with a minor. He’d get into a lit of trouble no matter if you said yes or not.
FiddleWithIt: Another story I don’t believe on /r/sex. If he thought you were a hooker, he would have expected you to ask for money.
And how would he know how much to pay you?
This did not happen, go ahead and downvote me.
MapleSyrupJizz: He probably just wants to keep you as happy as possible. He also on some level probably has low self esteem. Don’t catch feelings for this guy, he won’t return them.
Also if you haven’t already, please tell someone you really trust about this, they can give you a better view on this situation than a bunch of people on Reddit who don’t know you.
gothbull: that was sugar and now you had a daddy. Don’t expect all men to be like this but, you resisted and he took that idea to give you incentive. You can always say know because you are in control always remember that.
chancellor-II: Wait why is it automatically creepy if a guy is older (30s)? I don’t think a lot of girls would think Leonardo DiCaprio as creepy even though he’s in 40s?
okiedokieKay: If anything Id assume the cash was a bribe not to report him.
Wallaby_Way_Sydney: Are you sure he’s not some kind of drug dealer or something? Sounds like either hush money or “put up with my shit” money. I’d stay away from him.
HonoluluLion: He’s probably into being somewhat of a sugar daddy and likes being a financially dominant man
ImStarky: He probably feels like its wrong, and has some kind of guilt or something. So he gave you cash as a gift to make his guilt lighter in his head maybe? Or he just really likes you and wants to give you cash and gifts to keep you interested in him. Maybe there’s something wrong with him and he can’t get girls his own age due to being a dick, being really shy or being insecure. He finds a pretty young girl that likes him so hes clinging to that. My bestie growing up was 16 when she met her now husband. He was 28. He treated her with respect and really spoiled the shit out of her always buying gifts and going out. He was nerdy, dorky and not great looking. But he really was a good guy and always respected her. He finally found someone who really liked him so he hung on to that and did anything he could to keep her. Luckily for her this was the one time out of ten where the older guy wasn’t manipulative or predatory. He was sweet, and kind and mature, but shy, not good looking and the super nice guy that always got friendzoned and passed up. We were all worried at first, but came to realize they were the exception and not the rule. She was extremely mature for her age, and was not “attractive” back then. She hated young guys bc they were all too immature. They are married to this day- been together a total of 16 yrs married 11. She’s a physicist and makes around 100 grand a year. He has a silk screening shop.
Chances are though that hes a weirdo. He’s either an asshole who can’t treat people right and so he can’t keep a girl his age. Or hes an awkward shy guy that has problems talking to women. Or could be the too nice and always friendzoned guy that tries too hard to keep a girl around. It could be “hush” money out of guilt of his own actions since he probably thinks its wrong, but still enjoys seeing you and wants more. He could also be a predatory piece of shit that likes younger girls that he can manipulate and mold to his sick thoughts and wants. Its usually best to avoid guts like this because the chances are too great that there’s something seriously wrong with this guy. It could possibly be less worrisome, and an even slimmer chance that hes a decent guy like my friends husband, but If I were you its best to be safe than sorry. Guys can be so nice and sweet to rope you in and when you start to get comfortable and feel safe they turn. They get manipulative, controlling and abusive over time, and by then its harder to get away. You are young, you have plenty of time to meet better guys. Shoot, at your age, dont get serious with anyone. Play the field. Meet tons of guts. Figure out what you like and dont. Have all the fun experiences you can. 9 times out of ten, nothing good can come from a guy like that.
Rory83: Age difference was big but legal?
Kishmeth: Most important : did you enjoy the experience? And second, how did it make you feel (his “generosity” I mean).
If you had a good time (and by that I mean him being a good, attentive lover), if he gave you no red flags, and assuming you did feel degraded or insulted (which, IMO, you shouldn’t – in his mind it could just as well be a way to take care of your needs) then… Go for it girl.
Sure, there is a big difference in age, and he seems like the type who knows exactly how to woo younger people. But as long as you don’t expect more out of it, and are ready to pull out at the first red flag… Have fun!
Do take precautions though. Not only about safe sex, but safe calls (maybe even run a panic button/tracker on your phone), not sending him any compromising photos and in general making sure he can’t force you into anything.
gary1200gs: Yes men do make those assumptions. Don’t feel bad about it and don’t expect it. It may never happen again. Go shopping and enjoy yourself
willowgardener: I’m guessing he’s interested in a sugar relationship. The idea of taking care of a younger woman who looks up to him and desires him probably turns him on and makes him feel special and powerful.
ReyTheRed: I don’t see the age difference as a big deal. It was legal, and while other people may find it creepy, you did not.
The giving you money is weird and creepy though. I’m in favor of legal sex work, but it should be something chosen by all participants. Dropping cash, whether as hush money, or as a payment because he just assumed that you would only do him for money, or just as a gift is just weird. I’d say keep the cash, because you might as well. If you like the idea of being a prostitute, then contact him and do it again, but name the price up front. It sounds more like you don’t want to that though, so I would simply not contact him at all.
golfdude43: I am late to the show. If he knew you were 16 that is really wrong. Really, really wrong!
WashyBear: Everyone is talking about the age difference. You’re asking about the cash. What cultural background did he have? Are you interested in seeing him again? Don’t let the cash sway your opinion on this. It’s easy to start letting the natural desire for cash seep into your judgment when choosing casual sex partners. Make sure they actually fit your qualifications otherwise, and that you’re actually enjoying yourself. Don’t use the cash as a justification, otherwise you’re entering soft sex work territory and that’s a whole other set of questions to ask.
leoninebasil: Seeing that other comments have gone over that you probably shouldn’t see him again, I just want to emphasize that if you didn’t feel off about it in the moment and you enjoyed it, you shouldn’t feel embarassed or ashamed of it, despite the age difference. Don’t drive yourself crazy going over whether it was something you thought it wasn’t.
I would suggest accepting it as a strange experience, try to move on, and enjoy life with people closer in age to you. Wishing you the best OP
BlisterBox: I think you just found yourself a sugar daddy!
massy525: Wow 99% of these comments are basically just judgemental BS.
There are only a couple possible reasons
1.If you know a way to contact him in the future he is interested in a sugar daddy relationship. He left the money to prove he can.
2.If not it is just guilt/hush money. Treat it like a gift who cares its not like you asked for it.
Also I promise you if you didn’t tell him your age he thinks you are somewhere between 18-25.
Edit: Escorting isn’t legal in the U.S. so the arrangement is kinda sketchy even when “honest” He may just have thought you were both being really discreet.
blaseee: He thought you were a side-chick and with money, he can make you come back for easy sex when he needs to release.
Fuckoff555: So much ageism in this thread it’s fucking disgusting
EDIT: aaaaand the downvotes like usual, sex positive my ass.
swiller: If it’s really legal where you are and it was truly consensual don’t worry about the comments about the age difference. This works for many people. I believe the money was an attempt to establish, or assuming, a sugar daddy type relationship. There is a much larger sugar baby/daddy base than a lot of people realize. It’s an experience for you to look back on. If you decide to see him again, buy him a present and make a joke out of not expecting him to give you a gift after your first date.
yankeeblue42: In all honesty there’s a lot of ageism going on in this thread. The money thing is fucking weird, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a pretty big stereotype against men that I don’t like about it being creepy to have sex with younger women (that are legal). Men very much go by looks to be perfectly honest. I’m saying this as an early 20’s guy that’s fucked girls as young as 18 and as old as 32, ageism gets blown out of proportion on reddit in general. I know a 40-year old that has had relationships with women that are like 20 and he’s a pretty normal guy. I admit 16 is stretching it about the furthest you can go, but I think people forget 18-22 y/o girls in general have by far the highest demand from men of all age groups. It’s not like that with guys, they tend to be valued more at 28-33….