Should I lose my virginity if I waited till 22? Female
So I’m a girl, 22.
I always believed in the idea of sex out of love, great connection between sexual partners, maybe even marriage first then sex. So I was ‘saving myself’ for someone very special, someone I loved, but unfortunately for those 22 years of my life I’ve never met the right person.
Lately, my virginity started to have a negative impact on my life..
It makes me feel unattractive, unwanted, unloved, disabled, retarded and depressed.
I feel like missing out on something big and important.
Seeing all those happy couples only reminds me of my failure to make anyone love me.
I feel like I have been fooled all my life into thinking waiting is the right choice, meanwhile everyone was doing it and I’m the only one left out.
I see it actually has a positive impact on people’s lives, they feel happier, they have a high self-esteem, all because they didn’t attach such a huge importance to sex and I did… I feel I made a huge deal out of it and I should have just enjoyed myself.
I know I could start to have a sexual life anytime I wanted, but I am still not sure if I should call myself defeated… I don’t want to regret my decision of losing it, but at the same time everyday the resentment it’s only getting worse and I am worried I will stay this way forever.
HELP! Please share any thoughts you have.
Neravariine: You shouldn’t lose it because you believe it’ll lead to feeling love and wanted. You are lacking things in your day-to-day life and you’ve decided to make your virginity the scapegoat for that. 22 is still very young, I suggest focusing on improving all aspects of your life through therapy or hobbies then settle on a Mr. Right Now and understand that sleeping with someone means you had sex. It doesn’t mean they want you or even love you, what happens afterwards is what matters.
You say you don’t want to regret losing it but if you have sex with this mindset you will regret it. You have plenty of time to sort yourself out then sex in the future.
twinstreet: PIV can be (very) nice but not always all it’s cracked up to be. I understand loneliness, but here’s no rush, especially since PIV is hardly a sure cure for that aspect of the human condition.
Nixie_D: I’m someone who believes in sex before marriage, as it’s such a big part of your life, you want to make sure you’re compatible. However, that doesn’t mean you should rush to lose it.
I know people older than you who are still virgins, and I know people like myself who lost their virginity younger than you who wished they picked a better partner (I don’t regret it, but I know others who do). But also people who are glad they lost it when they did to who they did, and in some cases they’re still with the person, in others they are not.
What I’m saying is, don’t focus on what others are doing, focus on what you want. You’re still quite young, you have time, don’t rush to have sex, take it at your own pace. It’s not a race, it’s your life.
You may find it helpful to talk to someone, whether it’s a friend, family, or a professional if it is causing you distress.
jesusfreak_69: Looking back, I wish I’d attached the importance to sex that you do. Now I do, but too little too late. I can’t remember how many guys I’ve slept with up until now. Despite it all feeling good and being fun, this “sex life” of mine has not been without worry. STI screenings galore, several pregnancy scares, an early stage miscarriage I didn’t know about, emptiness, lots of heartache, lots of men discarding me and I them. It’s the emptiness of shallow encounters that bothers me, but I pushed it down. I always said I’d wait for someone special, and then went off the rails. Didn’t stay true to myself. I would take back sex with every single other guy I’ve been with to have the opportunity to sleep with the most beautiful, deep person I’ve ever known. I’m not going to say this was all terrible, because it wasn’t. It was so much fun. I just did what a lot of people do and pushed down my healthiest instincts. I pretended the emptiness didn’t bother me, and lived in happy denial. But it creeps up on you, oh it does. Especially when you’re 24. That’s 10 years of god knows what for me without ever having been in a relationship. I’m a pretty quiet girl myself, and if I’d made different choices I’m sure I’d still be a virgin at 22. Your situation is special. Don’t compare yourself to other people. They aren’t telling you about the lowest points some of those liaisons may have involved. My lowest points are too low to even mention on here. Fact of the matter is, it takes time to get to know people enough to have sex, and you NEED that time. You’re hearing the highlight reel. This applies to most situations in life. Comparison is the thief of joy. Live your *own* truth.
If I can offer any advice to maybe make the wait more bearable, it’s to explore yourself, buy some dildos, read some books. Invest in some sexy lingerie, costumes. Take erotic pictures of yourself for your own admiration. Hold a mirror up to your downstairs, and take in the sensuality. Sex is such a beautiful thing and knowing yourself intimately before being “known” by someone else can really be helpful. Being a beautiful, sexual being does not have to involve anyone else. And you already are.
“The secret ingredient to sex…is love.” – B, Nymphomaniac Vol. I, Lars Von Trier
Good luck to you. Do you.
subbadubbdubb: I strongly advise you that, when you decide to lose your virginity, you do it for one or both of the following two reasons:
* it sounds like fun
* you’re in love and want to express that physically
Sex will not magically cure you of feeling unattractive and unloved. Put blunty: the first penetrative sexual encounter you ever have will probably be somewhere between “bad” and “meh”, simply because you don’t know what you’re doing. This is why you need to do it for one of the above two reasons: if it “sounds like fun” you’ll keep the pressure level right and be able to handle the not-great stuff that happens when you’re trying something for the first time, and if it’s because you’re in love the emotional component will help the “meh” be at least “pretty good.”
KDean130: I was 20 when I lost my virginity. I was overweight and shy. I had lots of guy friends, but no one wanted to date me. One of my friends brought home a buddy of his from the Marines and we hit it off great. He was so good looking. He paid so much attention to me that night, and made me feel so attractive. I remember thinking that a person like him shouldn’t even be paying attention to someone ugly and disgusting like me. I figured, it won’t get better than this, at least I can have this one night. I drank a lot!!! We did it. I don’t remember anything except feeling empty the next day. Anyway, that aside, if I could go back and do it again, I would have waited for someone I knew, someone who cared about me at least. You don’t have to wait forever, but don’t make the same mistake I did and just get rid of it because it is starting to feel like some sort of negative brand. You sound like an intelligent and sweet young lady. Somewhere out there, you will find the right time and the right person. Until then try not to rush. Good luck to you!
MangoGawd: You shouldn’t feel that way about still being a virgin tbh. If you feel it’s that important to you then hold your self to that standard. I understand the pressures of it and how you feel. There’s nothing wrong though with losing it too. It’s kinda one of those things you kinda gotta find the answer yourself. Unfortunately it’s not one of those things were you can be on the fence with like you either a virgin or not lol.
ForNo1: I lost my virginity (luckily) to the love of my life six months ago. I’m 22F. Not many people are as lucky as me, and unfortunately he didn’t lose his virginity to me. I personally couldn’t imagine making love to anyone else besides him. However, having sex is a personal decision. I wasn’t going to wait for my soul mate, for me it just so happened to happen like that.
saltandsassbeach: No personal experience but 3 of my friends just disclosed to me that they and their partners waited until marriage. (It wasn’t a secret, just it came up in conversation, then my other friends were like, “me too!”) Ages 26-33 and they’re all married within the past 2-4 years. They seem very happy with their decisions and they had such a great foundation of a relationship before sex. I’m not saying it’s for everyone but they seem very happy. You sound like you know what you want in terms of waiting and why you want to hold on for the right connection. I believe there are many people out there that feel the same way as you. You are the only one that will know the right answer for you, though.
helloWorld-1996: Sorry, but I honestly don’t think sex will fix your fundamental issue here. I don’t think the issue is that you put great meaning into sex. The issue is that you have a large need for love and care that isn’t being fulfilled, and I honestly think just having sex could make that even worse. I feel the same way that you do, except I am in a loving relationship, and sex is an absolute rush of emotions. Now to experience that without that feeling being accompanied by love, I think it would make people like you and me feel terrible if I’m honest. I would give up sex entirely if I had to to stay with my partner. It’s not the sex that makes people feel good, but rather a feeling that they have the people around them that they need.
And what you see in public is rarely what people truly feel anyway. All those smiles you see every day could easily harbour deep loneliness.
Now; If you want to have sex, go on and knock yourself out. I don’t think there’s inherently anything special about virginity, and the 100th time you have sex can be as magical as the first.
But just do it for the right reasons. Having sex won’t make you long any less for love, and it won’t satisfy any of your feelings. I would think it would only make you feel worse, if your feelings towards sex are the way that I read them to be.
It’s not wrong to put great meaning into sex. It’s not what everybody does, but it’s not anymore correct or incorrect. People are different, and what things mean to us are different. If sex to you is a great act of bonding and a showing of care and appreciation with mutual pleasure, what will you really feel if you do have sex with someone you don’t love? To me, it would feel like betraying myself.
I will say though that you should go at it as much as you want with masturbation though. Always a good idea to know yourself well.
Oh, and don’t be too sad that you haven’t found the love of your life yet. I’m 22 myself, and I know close to 0 other people who have. It doesn’t mean it won’t come though.
delete-meh: Please don’t rush it. I waited until I was 21 and to be honest, it’s not even that great. You’re not really missing out on much.
tenascitie: I lost my virginity at 21. I can tell you that if you lose your virginity to a random stranger, it’s going to be a toss-up if you guys are sexually compatible and it may turn out to be a horrible experience. the first time can hurt, just because your vagina isn’t used to the force of having a dick shoved into it, and if it isn’t someone you trust, then they may not be gentle.
even if you just want the experience, I would focus on making it a good one so that your later perception of sex and yourself isn’t shaped by a shitty first time that was only initiated out of shame and embarrassment at being a virgin. I can say I’ve had some phenomenal sex, and even then I know it wouldn’t be worth it from a purely physical standpoint, as fun as it is. there’s nothing more vulnerable than being naked with someone else for the first time and giving them the chance to shape your entire perception of your body and of sex. they can use you, degrade you, and hurt you physically, ruin the experience for you.
it doesn’t have to be the love of your life, but trust me when I say that the first time you have sex, make sure it’s at least with a friend, someone you trust and would enjoy being intimate with. make sure they’re someone who’d stop if you were in pain or weren’t enjoying it, let you lead, and focus on your pleasure. sex as a physical act is overrated, but as a form of intimacy it’s spectacular. it sounds like you’re a victim of the way sex is portrayed by society as a rite of passage and a necessary aspect of your self confidence. but you’re worth way more than the limits of your sexual experience, and if you have sex it should be because you feel comfortable with someone and you want to make each other feel good. it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.
FatPajamas: I mean, there is kind of two components here that are equally important.
**1.** Do you want to have sex? (in a physical/mental sense, not just the social norms/ it making you feel inadequate component)
**2.** What’s the reason why you think waiting is the right move?
I’m not going to make any assumptions here, but what as a 22yo adult makes you think that not doing a natural act is bad w/out a written document that prescribes it?
NerdyVert: If you still want to save it, then Do it. Do not go sleep with someone because you think it made other people happier. People in relationships can be all kinds of fucked up. Dont worry about looks, you’re fine. Fuck someone when you decide that they have the dick you want.
StarLight617: Sex and love are not the same thing. If you want to have sex for the sake of sex, then go for it, but if you’re expecting it to fill that desire for a loving relationship you’ll probably be disappointed. If it’s a relationship you really want, you might be happier continuing to wait while you keep looking for your special someone. Put yourself out there. Sign up for a dating site. Go on some dates and laugh about it if they don’t go well. Flirt with strangers. Have fun with it, and you’ll end up finding your person.
radicalh: The first time I [tried to] have sex is when I discovered I had vaginismus (an involuntary muscle condition which makes penetration almost impossible due to pain). While having it was a struggle, I’m very grateful I did in that moment because I almost lost it to someone I did not care about whatsoever because I just wanted to lose it already. And that wasn’t a good reason.
When I finally worked up the courage to try again, it was with someone I truly care about and it made it worth it. Having this condition (though a mild case) allowed me to lose my virginity to someone I actually wanted to lose it to. I was lucky to get a second chance and it was worth it in the end.
If you have reservations about just losing it, then wait. Honestly. Don’t lose it to someone you don’t care about because you just want to lose it, it’s not worth it.
Cpt_Zedpool: Sex is just sex nothing more. Let it go. If you want to have sex just gor for it. Remember to use condoms and bieth control pills. Lube should be applied it helps alot the first time. Oh and find someone kind tell them you’re a virgin a good guy will understand
Kovitlac: Same, but at 30. Honestly, 22 is so young. you will have plenty of time to enjoy yourself.
My best friend waited (she’s older than me, but I think got married at 28). She and her husband are extremely happy. That said, there’s nothing wrong with having the desire to wait vs not wanting to wait. You hear horror stories about waiting, only to find out you aren’t sexually compatible, and while it’s certainly a concern, that doesn’t necessarily have to happen.
I never made the conscious decision to wait – I just never felt ready *or* desired.
WeAreKintsugi: I lost my virginity a couple months ago at the age of 22. I’d deliberately waited for someone I was actually in love with, and I’m happy I did. To me, sex is not about feeling desired. Of course, that’s a nice addition to it. But to me, sex is mostly about being close to my partner. It’s all about intimacy. I don’t feel like I could’ve found that special intimacy, if I had slept with someone else earlier. Why have a ‘mweh’ experience when you could make it special even the first time? I say; don’t be too hard on yourself, be patient, the right person will come along eventually.
Hossination: So I personally do not believe in the taboo of sex before marriage. I was very promiscuous in my younger years and do not regret any of it. I got married at 20 years old because I found the person I knew I was meant to be with and have been married 7 years. In a nutshell, (from my experience) you should enjoy life however you want, but when you find Mr or Mrs right you will know and lock it down. I can’t stress to you, my friends, or anyone reading this enough, that you will literally KNOW in your heart if your meant to be with that person. This is a male perspective by the way.
spammmmmy: You didn’t have sex when you were younger and stupider… whoever gave you this advice did you a favor because you never got pregnant when you were too young.
Now, go try it out
Vermeille: virginity is just way too overrated because of judeo-christianism. It’s not anything that has special value to you or anything else. It’s literally a shaming tool from religious people to blame women.
If you can make it not a big deal, go lose it and enjoy yourself. If you can’t, however, that’s another story. You don’t want to decide that you’ll be having sex now, and end up with a man that will make you feel uncomfortable, won’t take the special care a first time demands to make it a pleasing memory despite the possible pain, and make you feel used and uncared for.
In the end, it’s about doing what you’re comfortable. If you’re comfortable as is, don’t change anything. But since it looks like you’re not, and that virginity is not precious in any way, go do the things you want to do in a way that makes you feel comfortable. I’m sure you can easily find a handful of handsome guys that will enjoy opening the world of sex for you with all the physical and emotional care needed for the first few times. If you don’t find those good men, you might just feel worse than you felt before, so, pick a good partner 🙂
nobodyofinterest4you: Here is what I will say to you. Virginity is what you make of it. If you make a big deal about it then it is a big deal, if you think it is no big deal… then it is no big deal. Only you can decide what is right for you.
Being a virgin does not make you any different than many other people around you. How do you know the other people you know are telling the truth about their virginity? You will never know the truth and ther is no way to physically check.
As for all of the happy couples you see. How do you know they are happy? Just because someone puts on a smile and looks like they enjoy the person they are with how do you know they are happy and not just faking happiness?
Are you happy with who you are? Are you comfortable with yourself? If so, why change anything?
What do you think having sex will change for you?
I challenge you to really think about it from a different perspective. Look at it a different way. After having looked at it differently decide how you want to proceed. You and you alone are the only one that can make the decision.
I hope this helps you to find the answer you are looking for.