Olivia Munn nude scene in Magic Mike
The Case for Slow, Mindful Sex
Maya Melamed makes the case for slowing down, and addresses misconceptions of calmer, slower sex.
by Maya Melamed
I write a lot about the fulfilling effects of practicing sex in a mindful, slow manner. This form of sex creates the strongest bonds and connections—the type of connection that loving couples are longing for. It’s the type of sex that distinguishes us from the way animals have sex and transforms us into the realm of sex that suits us, meaning-seeking, human-beings that we are.
In slow sex, both partners are taking their time to fully engage, explore, and be throughout the duration of lovemaking. Every move is done with a mindful, deliberate intention, and is followed by moments of complete stillness.
When practicing slow sex, both partners can truly relax and enjoy things comfortably, at times completely stopping any movements and simply staying still. It might come as a surprise to you that this practice is highly enjoyable. Indeed, men have a tendency for trying hard to make their woman satisfied and they think that fast movements are the key for pleasuring themselves and their partner. James N. Powell mentions in his book, Slow Love—A Polynesian Pillow Book (p.93):
Many men have expressed surprise that by doing such a simple thing as resting within their lover––after arousal and penetration—their lover experiences tender feelings of fulfillment. Often, they say that they had been under the false impression that they must do a lot in order to satisfy their woman, only to find that by doing almost nothing, they accomplish almost everything.
Some people have raised the concern with me that this style of sex is only enjoyable for women, whereas men’s only interest in practicing sex this way is to please their woman. This is probably due to a few misconceptions and ideas that I would like to address in this article.
WHEN YOU PRACTICE SLOW SEX THE MAN CAN’T HAVE AN ORGASM.
This is the biggest misconception. When you practice slow sex, both you and your partner are focusing on the sensations everywhere around your body. You are also focusing on emotions and thoughts that come up for you. In no way does this mean, that if an orgasm starts to appear, you should stop it. Actually, with conventional sex, many times men need to focus on not orgasming if they want to keep going for longer and not to orgasm too quickly. With slow sex, the excitement is usually toned down enough so that the man will be able to keep on going for a very long time without needing to focus on not orgasming. Instead of having to resort to thinking about really sad/mundane things in order to postpone his orgasm—he will actually be able to enjoy himself for longer. And if and when an orgasm emerges, it has the potential to be something very different to the orgasm that you are experiencing with conventional sex. Worth to give it a go!
SLOW SEX IS BORING.
In our society, we are used to fast everything. From fast food to fast Internet to quickly get to any destination. A lot of us forgot how to simply lean back and relax. When we take things slowly, we think it’s boring. And truth be told, sometimes it is. But the main reason it is boring is that we allowed our mind to take over and be agitated. ‘I could do so many productive things in my time, why should I invest in this?’ Well. This—meaning, slow sex–—is actually one of the most enjoyable ways to deeply connect with your partner and invest in your relationship. There are other ways, of course. You could go to a sex therapist. Or a couple’s counselor. Or do a relationship course together. But wouldn’t you prefer simply having sex as a way to deepen your relationship?
GIVE US A BREAK, WE JUST WANT A QUICK RELEASE.
Sometimes we do want a quick release, and that can be great fun. But most of us want to have sex with our partner as a mean to connect. To express our mutual attraction and appreciation of one another. Thing is, when sex life has been on a plateau for a while, sometimes we feel a bit disconnected. Or dissatisfied. Or even resentful. And when we do have sex, sometimes we don’t give it as much attention and intention as we used to. Perhaps we are discouraged if the sex has been mundane for a while and we don’t see a way out of it. If you are in a generally loving relationship, your partner is seeking affection and validation that their efforts are being appreciated, accepted and also reciprocated. Slow sex will provide you with a terrific opportunity to see you both utterly pleased. It has the potential to lift up your sex game from the boring “did this, done that” mindset, into the mystery and the joy of being mindful in the moment.
WE TRIED EVERYTHING ALREADY, WHY WOULD THIS WORK?
What else have you tried to spice up your sex life? Sex toys? Role play? Other partners? Kama Sutra positions? Most of the times you look for external stimuli to boost up your sex life. But external stimulus is more mechanic in nature and it doesn’t, in and of itself, enhance the connection between partners. Whereas looking inwardly for satisfaction—meaning, paying attention to your inner world of sensations, thoughts and emotions, is a space where you can potentially discover your true limitless nature.
I’M AFRAID I’LL HURT MY PARTNER IF I TOLD HER/HIM I WANT TO PRACTICE SEX DIFFERENTLY.
Our experience of sex changes all the time. We can’t expect to enjoy the way we had sex at the beginning of our relationship, throughout the entire course of the duration of a long-term relationship. In saying that, sex can be a very painful subject to talk about. You need to make sure you talk to your partner as a lover. Find the way to talk to them so that they fall in love with you just by the way that you brought this subject up. Learning how to talk to your partner about sex in a way that makes them want to please you is priceless. It is your responsibility if you care for yourself and for your relationship.
You both need to remember that practicing slow sex is merely another option in your sexual repertoire. You can always have any type of sex that you like. And you might find that, over time, slow sex becomes so powerfully connecting that other ways of having sex are simply not as attractive as they used to be.