My boyfriend can’t get over my past
I’m desperate for your help. It’s the classic issue where the simple “get over it” doesn’t seem to work. My boyfriend [23M] is obsessing and can’t get over my [20F] past, and I have no idea what to do. It all feels like a negative spiral that just keeps repeating itself.
I’ve been with 12 people (including him), he has been with 9. I’ve been as honest as I could, answering all his questions (even though I’m doubtful it’s not actually making things worse by talking in detail about it), trying to reassure him, explaining why things have happened all while freaking out internally. We have the perfect most amazing relationship, and I always get to this point where everything feels beyond perfect – and we’re back to square
1. He emotion vomits all over me because he’s been holding it in while I’ve been blissfully (ignorantly) happy.
He thinks my past is disgusting. He can’t stop having vivid images of me with past encounters, sometimes during sex. Some of this might be rooted in insecurity, some probably just from pure disgust. Me trying to convince him our sex is beyond the best I’ve ever had doesn’t really register for him, I think. He doesn’t believe me.
It’s hard because I care about his feelings so much – more than my own, I empthasize so much that I think I’ve been starting to agree with him. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m scared of losing him. Call me crazy but I don’t know how I could ever find someone as great as him ever. I just feel hopeless knowing I can’t do anything about this. I’ve not done something to him, I can’t apologize (even though I have), it’s all just boiling down to how I can’t be accepted. He keeps asking how we’re going to solve this. Neither of us wants to break up.
Is there a way to solve this?
Bluewildebeest: Couples therapy. Or maybe he wants to go to therapy alone.
It is great, that you want to work on your relationship and that you keep supporting him, but in the end, his insecurities are something that he has to fix himself. Preferably with professional help.
I also think you should put your foot down. If he thinks it’s fine that he has been with 9 people, but finds it disgusting that you have been with 12, that is a double standard. And that double standard is called sexism. There is nothing wrong with what you did.
And I am aware, that that is probably the last thing you want to hear, but: If he can’t accept and love the whole you, but just an ideal version of yourself, then your relationship might not be as amazing and perfect as you might have thought.
Amariii: I don’t think he as any right to do that as he has been with 9 people himself. He needs to work on being confident before he can love someone else.
protonophore: > He thinks my past is disgusting.
Do you really want someone who considers part of you, part of what made you who you are today, disgusting?
Shade_of_Blood: I don’t have advice on how to solve it, but him shaming you over your past and being sexually active is incredibly immature and pretty shitty. And if I’m being honest, and I know you love him and all, if a guy would not be able to accept me as a whole in a relationship, and that includes my past, but instead makes me feel bad about myself, then I would have to seriously rethink that relationship
Kantina: Your past life/relationships has absolutely nothing to do with him. It’s between you and the person you were with at the time. It’s not right that he should be asking for intimate, private details – or that you should give them.
Beyond that, I would think he needs therapy to sort out his insecurities. Otherwise, I’d say it’s a pretty massive red flag.
Eulenbaby: >I empthasize so much that I think I’ve been starting to agree with him
Please don’t go down that road. You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have a problem – he does.
Your past is part of who you are and what you are today. If he can’t find a way to accept that, your relationship won’t work. If he can’t do it on his own, he may need professional help.
You need to stand up for yourself. Don’t let his irrational insecurity manipulate you into believing it’s your fault.
themikegman: Dump him. That’s the best advise I can give you.
RibenaKid: Your boyfriend is an insecure little bitch and this is a fact that no one can deny or sugarcoat. The problem is not with you, but in his mind. He should see a psychiatrist or counselor. Good luck!
528gpl: It’s not either of you have an absurdly high partner count. If he’s that focused on just that, then it’s his problem to get over. He can talk with a therapist about it, or you can move on.
While I ask what my partner has done that they like, and don’t like, it’s in an effort to give them the perspective of learning what works for them. And I don’t ask or worry about the person they did those things with.