Park Hyeon-jin “Natalie (2010)”
Park Hyeon-jin’s nude was the best in Korean film history. right?
[19F] three years ago i was gang raped. worried to tell my boyfriend of 6 months.
Hi, this is pretty hard for me to write but i feel like this sub is very non judgemental and i feel like it could be a big help to me.
3 years ago when I was 16 years old i was gang raped by 4 guys at a party of one of my friends. i was a virgin at the time and it was my first and only sexual experience. the details are horrific and i obviously won’t go into too much detail but they forced me into one of there cars and drove me to one of there houses not too far from the party. they where older guys and they made me do horrific things the worst was anally raping me. they left me in the middle of a neighbourhood and i didn’t know where i was and i had to knock at a house and begged them to help me to get home. they called the police and the police called my family and long story short they where charged and went to jail. it was on the news where i lived but thankfully nobody knew it was me as i remained anonymous and nobody knows but my family.
after it happened i was obviously distraught, i was always a happy go lucky girl and was popular and had many friends but i stopped going to social events and i would only go to school and go straight home. i would make my dad drive me everywhere because i was scared and i had to have counselling and go on anxiety meds because i couldn’t function. i was having panic attacks day and night, i couldn’t eat, i was having flashbacks and nightmares and i was depressed.
after about a year into counselling i began feeling like myself again, i started hanging out with my friends of a weekend like going shopping, to the movies etc. but i was terrified of guys. if a guy would ever approach me or try and talk to me i would freeze and shut them down immediately. it’s been this way for years until i met my boyfriend. we met 7 months ago at the place where i work, he was a customer and for some reason i didn’t feel scared around him and he made me laugh, we became friends first and it led into a relationship.
i told him that i’ve never had a boyfriend and that i’m a virgin, which i feel guilty about because technically i’m not but i still class myself as one as my only sexual experience was the rape. he has been totally supportive and has never pressured me into anything as he just thinks im not ready for sex, he doesn’t know what happened. lately we have been making out and its been getting more and more heavy and for the first time ever im starting to feel aroused and i feel like i want to take it to the next step, but before i do i want him to know what happened to me. my fear is that it will scare him off and just the fact i’ve never told anyone except my family is a big worry to me. i dont know what to do, so i was just hoping someone could help me with some advice?
im sorry this has been a long post, any help or advice i would be truly grateful for. thankyou very much x
unoriginally_: This is awful, and I’m so glad you’re doing better.
Unfortunately there really is no way to say that easily. In this case, I would just be honest with him and let him know so he’s aware. I truly believe if he cares about you, the only emotion he’ll feel is anger toward those that did this to you, and sadness for you in realizing what you’ve been through. If he loves you, it’ll all be okay. And if he gives you shit or runs off, then it wasn’t meant to be. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t support you in a time like that? I really do think it’ll be okay. Just go for it ♥️
aching4herdaddy: I am so sorry that you experienced this. You have every right to consider yourself a Virgin. That is something that is yours ONLY to give away, if and when YOU CHOOSE. As for telling him – if he cannot be anything but loving and supportive, don’t waste a moment on him.
JayKayVay: If you scare him off you know he’s not for you, not someone you can trust to be intimate with.
You are a virgin, rape is not sex, so there’s no need to feel guilty about that.
Fradon: Sorry to her this, glad you are making forward progress.
I’m on the other side to this, my partner of four years has just told me about her past and something similar.
It shocked me, I didn’t know how to react at first. But I know that I love her and I want to support her and help her. If your boyfriend reacts badly, he most likely isn’t the one for you but also give him a chance to get his emotions together. It’s not easy being told this from your partner, I went through a range of emotions as I felt horrible that these things had happened to her, I was angry I wasn’t there to protect her, even though I didn’t know her at the time.
feedmeabaguette: It would be very good to tell him. If you two plan on continuing this relationship, you need to be able to trust each other with sensitive information. If it scares him off, it wouldn’t have been a good relationship long term. If he has a kind heart, he should understand.
My girlfriend is a rape survivor. When we’re intimate, I take special care to pay attention to if she shuts down. She may be having a flashback, unable to tell me in the moment from freezing. I stop and initiate comfort mode.
It’s good to have that sort of protocol. Best of luck!
188321: First of all, hopefully all those motherfuckers got diagnosed with Cancer.
Secondly, if you feel comfortable telling him, or want him to know, you should do it.
Obviously that’s easier said than done, but don’t be scared worrying it will make him freak out or something.
This is my story,
I’m a guy, and I dated this beautiful Spanish (from Spain Spanish)/Asian girl who was for a while kind of my everything. She was tiny and beautiful and I was extremely protective of her.
Anyway, one night we were talking in bed as we usually did about every topic you could possibly think of (she was incredibly intelligent and fun to talk to, but very insecure, which comes into play later) and the topic of child abuse came up.
My father was severely abused as a child (as my whole family was) so I told her that….
And I could tell the vibe of the conversation was changing, and I could see in her eyes there were tears forming and something was going on, and then I said, not even thinking about it
“Were you….. abused?”
I didn’t even think about it, but she shook her head yes and bursted into tears and I could tell for some reason she thought I was going to reject her or something, like she expected a negative response….
I held her and I fucking cried in her little arms, and I don’t fucking cry. I was in the middle east and I didn’t fucking through that shit.
But at that moment I wanted to take her pain away, I wanted to kill her father (I found that out later, luckily he was already dead),
But more than that I just wanted her to know I would never fucking ever do anything like that to her. We had been having rough sex and I immediately regretted all of that without knowing about it.
She told me she thought I would bolt when she told me that.
I told her that when she told me that, I never wanted to let her go.
That’s just my story.
I know this is some school room poster, cheesy sounding shit but I believe it to be true, you can turn this horrible, terrible shit into strength.
I have never been raped, but I have seen and I have had horrible shit happen to me and in that moment all of it was worth it just so I could relate to her a little bit more.
Hope that helps.
Raildout: I can contribute! I’ll give you perspective from a male who got similar news! Glad to hear you’re doing well. My gf was drugged and raped by 2 men (before we met). It took her 5 months to tell me and when she did…
She told me because she didn’t want to hide it anymore or have me find out some other way, somehow. She waited until the time was right for her, and I will never forget when and where I was told. Afraid I’d run for the hills? Of course she was, the last guy did, so why wouldn’t I? Which is also a reason she waited that long.
I can say that that day our bond took a leap and I respect her even more for sharing sensitive private information. I’m happy she didn’t keep it from me, you’re there for each other right?. If he’s truly into you he’ll be understanding and supportive, regardless of how long it takes you to tell him. One thing though, don’t take silence in a bad way (if that’s how he reacts). When my gf told me I was flabbergasted, at a loss for words initially. Pretty sure I sat there with my mouth open trying to say anything. I didn’t run for the hills though, 2 years and counting. Triggers don’t come up often, if at all, but I’m here for her when the time comes.
*Edit, how she told me was simple. Hanging out by a river and “I have something I want to tell you”. I’ll admit my heart sunk before I heard what she had to say, (past relationships) but I’m crazy for this girl.
throwanowai: Firstly, I’m sorry that happened to you. Others have admirably addressed most of your concerns, but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone talk about your concern with virginity. I don’t know anything about your cultural background based on your post, but I’m going to guess you come from a Western upbringing, and if you’re American you likely had people around you attribute a lot of significance to virginity.
I’m going to tell you a secret, though. *It doesn’t matter.* And if this guy is a decent person, it won’t matter to him either.
KingShai: there’s no easy way 2 tell it, but personally i feel safer if my partner knows so they know how 2 react if i dissociate or get triggered. it’s also 100% ok 2 consider urself a virgin. i decided 2 not count my rape as sexual experience
Leach8887: As a victim myself, I’d say tell him. It should only strengthen your relationship.
Rand0mThrowMeAway: Everyone has different definitions for virginity. For me, I’d still consider myself a virgin if I was raped as a virgin because I haven’t had consensual sex. You have every right to call yourself a virgin because you never had consensual sex.
If you scared your boyfriend away, at least you know he is not for you and it means you’re given an opportunity to find the right guy.
Coidzor: It definitely couldn’t hurt and probably would be a very, very good idea to talk to a professional again and get their input on how to address this conversation and how to initiate and what should be part of an initial conversation vs. what should come out later, as well as what things are just straight up private.
>i dont know what to do, so i was just hoping someone could help me with some advice?
You should consider what information it is good for him to know or that he needs to know and what information would be getting into the gory details for the sake of getting into the gory details. Also what you can say about it without triggering yourself, that would be good to work out in advance, as would be figuring out what things you’re not ready to discuss or do not want to discuss at this time.
That you’ve been sexually assaulted and that this is part of why you want to proceed gently and slowly, that’s relevant.
That you’re not comfortable with and may never be comfortable with anything to do with your butt, that’s relevant.
That certain actions or situations will trigger you, that’s highly relevant.
What your comfort zones currently are and how you want to go forward together, that’s really important to start figuring out if you haven’t already so that you’re at least prepared to have a conversation with him communicating to him that you’re not exactly sure where they are right now and are still figuring them out and whether you want that to be something you address privately before approaching him again or if you want that to be an ongoing conversation between the two of you.
You’re definitely going to want to be communicating about how you communicate going forward, especially when it comes to the bedroom, and may need to work out between you check-in protocols or a way to signal how you’re feeling if you suddenly feel overcome or triggered.
The number of guys, the exact details of what they did to you (especially in a blow-by-blow narrative), and their identities, for instance, would be things that it would probably be better if those came out in later conversations, if you share those at all, rather than something that you lead with.
Packers_Girl: Happened to me also.
Tell him. If he cares about you he will show concern. You definitely should have sex with the right person at the right time. Because you don’t want (that) to be your last experience.
ratedspecialk: It might not be a bad idea to bring him with you to your therapist and tell him. He may not know how to react and having someone there to help both of you communicate it well, will matter. That and telling him may trigger you and it’s good to have a support system ready. Thank you for sharing your story.
inkedblonde13: Mine was a very different situation (of rape) however when I’ve reached the point of discussing it with my ex and my current bf they were both very supportive. Ultimately he should support you and be understanding.
afcc1313: That’s tough! Honestly if I was the boyfriend I would like to know your past, in particular if something like this happened!
It’s also a good way for you to see if he loves you even after this!
Also, if you don’t tell him, you’ll probably feel bad when you are with him sexually!
I hope you’re feeling better now and I hope you can overcome the past and have a great life!!
I’m sure he loves you and will accept your past, just be ready for the first reactions, it’s probably tough for him…trust me, I has something similar happening to me!
ezagreb: It sounds like you are on the right track to healing yourself. This might sound weird given that you want to come clean but why not just let things progress naturally progress without dropping this on him. I have had a serious relationship with a person who was abused and we did not discuss it until we were serious. There is certainly a right time to share this horrible secret but perhaps wait until your relationship is more mature.
Nilyosh: I’m really sorry to hear this, it’s so good that you’re getting better and could find someone special for you, as people have already said here, if he truly cares about you, he’ll totally support you, it will all be fine, sometimes we worry too much about the outcomes of things we do and we need to keep in mind that sometimes it’s just our mind exaggerating things.
Don’t worry, it’ll all be fine!
frans42000: I’m the spouse of someone who is the victim of a sexual crime.
When she opened up about the crime I did not know how to react. Should I break down and grieve for my SO’s lost innocence? Should I act calm and rational so I do not trigger her? Do I inquire about details to encourage a cathartic confession?
I was completely horrified and felt devastatingly helpless. I wanted to charge off and attack her tormentor.
It also meant that from that point on I was frightened to death to engage in sexual advances. I felt like another perpetrator. That I would be a trigger. I felt sick to my stomach. And I felt that way for a long time.
With her and I helping each other we got both of us comfortable again. We had been active and happy before her confession. After it, I backed way the hell off. It made me feel like she was made of glass even when she wasn’t.
But this is something that needs to be shared with someone in a committed relationship. Ignorance of the situation is potentially harmful.