I [23F] can’t relax during sex due to body issues and thus I am a starfish in bed. I need to change.
I met an amazing guy and we’ve been having sex. I am starfish the whole time.
The thing is, I am not confident in myself or my body. I don’t like my boyfriend seeing me naked so I’d much rather just lie down in missionary and have him do all the work on top of me. The whole sensation doesn’t even feel good for me. I’ve never had an orgasm. I just don’t know what to do.
I want to be more exciting in bed for my boyfriend, but I don’t know how. I’m a shy, reserved person but in my mind I’m wild and I’d love to just have sex like a pornstar but I just can’t. Any tips?
greeneyedsummer: Put a blindfold on the boy! Personally, this has helped me with some of my own image issues (I’m a very shy/reserved person IRL, but having a blindfold on kinda lets me separate myself enough to really let go) I mean, of course you should work on your body issues, and loving your body the way it is, but in the interim, it might be easier for you to let go of your inhibitions and branch out if you don’t have to think about his perception of your looks
maronymous: Do you want to be more exciting in bed for your boyfriend or for you? I recommend thinking about what gets you off. The reason guys want their partners to not starfish is because they want them to be into it.
What would it take for you to really enjoy yourself? What turns you on? What do you want to hear your partner say?
Once you find your turn on the rest comes more naturally.
madbrusher1: I had only had sex with my ex husband for 15 years. I have always had a very poor body image. I’ve had a couple kids, I have stretch marks and cellulite. I got a tummy tuck so now I have a giant scar hip to hip. When my ex and I separated and were in the midst of divorce, I decided to sow my wild oats and explore my sexuality. I told a few men upfront that I had a giant scar across my stomach. I was on some dating websites and I have a pretty face, so men always assume I have a body to match. They would ask me about my body when texting before we would meet in person and it would make me very self conscious. But I just decided “what the hell” and I let loose. And what I found was that out of every guy I slept with during that time, which was a lot of guys, not one of them cared that my body was imperfect. Not one.
Honestly, it was a huge boost in my self confidence. I realized that if these guys (who were all incredibly attractive and fit, and I never thought I would ever get men like that into bed) didn’t care that my body was soft, has stretch marks, cellulite, and scars, then why the hell should I?
Confidence is key. Just let go, it’s worth it. Learning to accept your body is really fucking hard. Your boyfriend has seen your body. Laying on your back doesn’t hide your imperfections. Being a starfish doesn’t make your body look better. Just enjoy it. And realize that no one has a perfect body, and there is no reason to be ashamed. Your boyfriend will love and adore you even more when you are confident and start enjoying sex with him. I promise.
tsotherland: Someone else beat me to the blindfold suggestion but let me second it. Not only might it help your self image issues (he can’t see you) but it’s kinda fun. As the blindfolded person, you get heightened suspense and sensation. Also, as cliche as it sounds, turn out the lights. Nothing wrong with sex in the dark. Particularly if it makes you loosen up and let in that inner wild pornstar.
the_dogeranger: How about telling him you want to try something. Him starfishing and you experimenting with your and his body. Then he can tell you what he likes and where he likes to be touched. Figure out positions that are pleasurable for you that you do most the work in like cowgirl. Then you can associate you doing something with your own pleasure. Since your the only one doing anything you can take your time and stop when you want to stop.
sexydressy: Here’s the thing, it’s no suprise how you look. He’s already wanting to have sex with you, so being ashamed when you’re naked makes no sense (I know easier said than believed).
ooo-X3R0-ooo: First things first, name off all the things you don’t like about your body, I’m willing to bet, they are the things he loves about you.
My wife hates how her tits got a little looser and slightly smaller – I love small tits, and when she rides she flexes her pecks making them perky, when she leans over they hang a little lower and I love putting my face between them.
My wife hates her stomach – she’s not ripped, but she’s lean, and after having 2 kids she has zero stretch marks, she feels soft and very feminine.
The key is to communicate with him, he wants to be with you because of 3 factors, 1- You have a great personality that meshes well with his, 2- You have enough in common to enjoy doing the same stuff, 3- He finds you sexually appealing. He wants you for you, if he didn’t, wouldn’t he be elsewhere?
Alpha_Bit_Poop: Ahhhhh, lack of confidence. One of the biggest problems in the world today that we rarely talk about. I feel like you already know what you need to do, but you are too afraid to do it. Well, we all feel that way and we all have to overcome it in our own personal ways. Sometimes you will win out over the fear, and sometimes you won’t. But every time you do something that scares you, it will be a little easier the next time.
Trevie3: Have you ever heard of [Come as You Are](https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507692838&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are)?
yepyep54321: Hey girl. He doesn’t care what insecurities you have. He’s having sex with you and thinks it’s amazing. People don’t have sex with people they’re not already attracted to.
all-joking-asalad: Step 1: Work on your body confidence and acceptance separate from sex. Some things that helped me build body confidence: sleeping naked; after a shower taking time to moisturize my entire body and really just feel and acknowledge its existence (i used to feel very disconnected from the fact that “Me” resides inside this big ol sack of meat”; literally resting my hands on the parts of my body i don’t like, e.g. my stomach–I ascribe so much emotion to it but it’s just…more skin. Try to start with building some basic level of acceptance with your body.
Step 2: Try to build some acceptance and exploration of your own sensuality. For example: Trace your fingertips lightly over your body, back and forth. Notice what feels nothing (for me, sides of my upper thigh), notice what feels everything (my forearm), what tickles (a patch on my hip), what’s too sensitive. Try doing this in the shower too, with soapy hands, so slippery, fun temperatures, yay bodies! Just recognize your body as an amazing thing: covered in skin that is one giant sensory organ. Your body feels so much and when you can connect with that, you can learn to let that be one of the amazing parts of sex, that you can feel so much with someone else—everywhere!
Step 3: Try to build acceptance and explore your own sexuality. Fun time yay, masturbation. What turns you on. Does pinching and rolling your nipples feel amazing or TOO MUCH. How about your clit? Rubbing, direct stimulation, through the hood (maybe check out omgyes!, I like it 🙂 ) Read sexy fanfic, fantasize, watch porn if it’s not too jarring or triggers the desire to compare your body to hers. Read threads on reddit about how much men fucking love their girlfriends bodies and are frustrated she can’t understand he wants to bury his face in her pussy it’s so gorgeous. Probs how your boyfriend feels too!
Step 4: Get your boyfriend in on the act. For example: Ask him to do the tracing his fingers up and down your body thing. Massages. Foreplay. Sensuality. Let him know you’re struggling and you’re trying really hard to overcome it, that you might get emotional and shy away when the self consciousness is overwhelming but that you trust him and want to connect with him. Do the same with him. Have him lie on his stomach and run your hands over his body. He can’t see you but you can feel him and connect with him, and become more comfortable with the act of touch when you’re not having sex. Rest your head on his shoulder when you’re sitting together, lay your hand on his thigh, try to build that comfort with connection. Build touch as one of your languages, so that when you’re having sex that fluency is already there.
Step 5: Practice, practice practice, reap the rewards of the really fucking hard work it can be to come to terms with your body and your sexuality.
Loving yourself is hard, accepting yourself is hard too, but it helped me in the initial stages to tell myself “Believe him”. When he says you’re beautiful and he says or shows you he wants you, believe him. When you want to believe your own inner dialogue that says “EW YOUR BODY IS A BAD BODY” tell yourself, even if you don’t believe it “No body is a bad body. And I believe my partner. I trust him, I believe him.”