18f, how do I stop seeking out older men (30+) to feel good about myself? I don’t even find myself attracted to a guy when I learn he’s less than 10 years older than me.
I’ve made out/fooled around with a few guys before, all in their 30s. I didn’t want to have sex until I was in a relationship with someone, but then I decided to get it over with and had a one night stand with someone aged 36 last Thursday. Two days ago, I slept with someone aged 38. I didn’t even get off either time, I just enjoy the dynamic that comes from it and the fact that someone wants me. I know I seek out older guys as father figures rather than as boyfriend’s because I don’t have a relationship with my own dad.
Recently someone I care about told me I should value myself more and, even if I have casual sex, to not do it so often or agree to things just because someone asks me (I have a hard time saying no and neither time was exactly “special” because I didn’t care about either guy). This person also told me to not date anyone 10+ years older than me; at that point, if they know about the age gap and are okay with it, they are likely taking advantage of me. Hearing this hurt a lot, and I can’t get thoughts of older men out of my mind (especially because men aged 30+ frequent my workplace more often than ones in their 20s), however I know it only hurts so much because they are right. I respect this person so much that I’m willing to stop seeking out older men and open myself up to going on dates, however I don’t know how to to about this because 1. I can’t will myself to be attracted to younger guys, 2. I don’t want to date seriously or limit myself to one person right now, 3. A lot of 30-something guys hit on me (thinking I’m in my 20s, usually), and I don’t feel like I have the will power or self control to reject them.
LukeTheApostate: I agree with the other replies that you should do the things that satisfy you and make you happy.
But in response to your actual question, I’m going to say that you say several things that sound familiar to me. “Hard time saying no,” no relationship with your father, being willing to change your sex life for someone else’s peace of mind, a belief that you don’t respect yourself, lacking the ability to reject advances. These are signs of poorly defended boundaries.
I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with you. I am sure you are a good person and you are trying to do the right thing. But if you feel that you may be acting in sexually unhealthy ways, talking to a psychologist/therapist about your worries could be very helpful.
Again, I agree with the others that fucking who you want to fuck is a good idea, and you don’t have any responsibility to only fuck who other people want you fuck.
thesaurusmorris: I mean, it depends on your prerogative. I would definitely be careful dating older men if you’re hoping for something serious to come of it. But as long as your expectations are in line with reality, it’s not really different than dating anybody else. At the same time, your friend is just worried about you and that’s good. You have someone who cares a lot about your well being and wants you to be happy and safe. The biggest issue I see with what you’re saying is the fact that you’re using sex to try and boost your self esteem…that’s not a healthy lifestyle and it will ultimately lead you to having lower self esteem in the long run (plus potential STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and who knows what else). And that’s no different regardless of the age of your partners. You are young, so use this time to focus on yourself. Learn a skill or a trade. Focus on your education and setting yourself up to have a successful life ahead of you. Have fun with your friends. Sex isn’t going anywhere and eventually you’ll be 30+ years old too. Enjoy being young you know, it’s a great time in your life and you only get it once.
imp_of_santa: Well, you _should_ value you yourself. It’s quite common that young women who feel unloved act out sexually in order to feel valued, but it’s quite rare that it works.
Don’t worry about your partners’ ages, worry about your self-esteem.
kindalas: To be honest this person seems to be shaming you into their version of normal.
I say have sex with whomever cranks your turn.
It will get better as you figure out what you like to do and what you like having done to you.
Focus on communication, figure out if you having a hard time saying no is because you are nervous/shy/uncertain or if it is because you really want to say yes more often.
I hope you have a wonderful time getting in touch with your sexuality.
totallynotawomanjk: As long as you’re not being hurt or feeling bad about it, you’re probably fine. You’re an adult and can do what you want, but make sure you’re doing it because you want to.. Not feeling like you’re able to turn down someone doesn’t sound good, and it sounds like you believe your friend is right about these men taking advantage of you.
ohsnapt: Shrug something something daddy issues butttt
Older guys are more aware in all aspects of themselves and others. Have more confidence, experience more money. I’d love to date teenage girls early 20s because nobody wanted to fuck me when I was that age
I slept with a woman 10 years older it was so good
Are you being taken advantage of? Maybe. Do you actually feel that way? Learn to understand and create your own boundaries. Telling someone to respect themselves by not engaging in consensual enjoyable sex is SUCH bullshit
Mudgut5: You do you. Nothing wrong with it.
danighost: As someone who also has the tendency to seek out older men (though I’m a gay man) I totally get where you’re coming from – I’m 19 and my current partner is 38. I initially never thought I’d act on my urge to be with older men because I was worried I wouldn’t make wise choices and might end up with someone who is controlling and manipulative (that was my general impression of relationships with large age gaps.) I also knew my desire for older men did not stem from a healthy mindset (I have extreme issues with men, specifically my own father, so I think it’s a pretty easy connection to make) but one of the biggest things I’ve learned with my current partner is that as long as both people are consenting adults who are happy, it really doesn’t matter. I can talk to my boyfriend about the issues I have and WHY I seek out older men, and he understands that. I think the most important thing to realize is that dating older men isn’t inherently a bad thing – as long as you’re safe and make good choices then there’s no issue whatsoever. Just make sure to look inward, really think critically about your impulse to be with older men, and understand when a preference becomes more of an unhealthy coping mechanism. Dating older men and hooking up with them is generally not a harmful thing, but doing so in an unsafe way, or in a way that only worsens your issues and doesn’t help you work through them, is not a good idea.
scratch_twentytwo: Ask yourself “why?” That will tell you whether what you’re doing is right for you, but no one else can find that out for you. You can still ask for help though along the way. If there is a problem, knowing why is necessary to actually change. The better you understand a problem the easier things will be since understanding is the hardest part.
Coidzor: Several things involved here would be worth discussing with a therapist.
RinkanShojo: Because you want to sleep with men, not boys. I understand entirely 🙂