Is sex in a relationship THAT important?
Hello wonderful people! I need some advice I’d never ask anyone in real life about, because yes, unfortunately it’s about sex..
So, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and having sex with him feels more like a job to me other than what it feels like to him ( fireworks and orgasms ). I am 21 years old now, and my boyfriend is 24.
Well, in the beginning of the relationship I found out he was a virgin (he was just waiting for the right girl) and a couple months after that I took his virginity. And let’s just say every time we’ve had sex he’s had an orgasm, and for me I’ve only had one real one.. the rest of the time I fake moaning and all that so I don’t hurt his feelings.
So, about 7 months ago I brought the lack of orgasms to him and he tells me “what do you expect I’ve never had any other practice, I’ve only even been with you” blah blah all that bs.. Oh, before anything else he doesn’t believe in foreplay, he just wants to get his dick wet and finish. And he’s never watched porn before and thinks it’s “nasty whores”.. So he hasn’t really seen what people kinda do in bed with one another.
I’ve asked him to go down on me but says I stink and it’s unnatural to put your mouth on something like that. (I don’t stink, I have a normal smelling vagina. I’ve also been with a few guys before meeting him who never complained about going down on me) But, he likes when I give him blow jobs. He’s tried rubbing on my clit but he hurts me and makes me not want him to touch me down there.
I guess I’m here to ask for some advice.. any women have similar experiences? I feel bad for wanting to have great sex I guess.. He makes sex feel like it’s only for his pleasure and I’m just there to take it. Is sex even that important in a relationship? Can I go throughout my life possibly married to a man who doesn’t care all the much about having an orgasm?
Like, here’s an example. Last night I came home around 11:30 pm from work and he was asleep, I was super horny and all I wanted to do was jump something lmao, so I managed to get him hard and he immediately shoved it in and went to town and then finished. I silently cried to myself for a good 20 minuets because like… I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS HORNY I HAVENT HAD GOOD SEX IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.. So any advice?
dottedsilverwaves: He’s bad in bed and doesn’t care about your pleasure. You’re trying to convince yourself its not important because you love him.
I’m sorry, but it is important and he’s being selfish.
Kit4000: >the rest of the time I fake moaning and all that so I don’t hurt his feelings.
This never does anyone any favors. Besides why soare his feelings whe you have a legitimate issue and he has noninterest in your feelings or what you need.
Advice? Lay your cards on the table. Tell him this isnt working for you and try to get his commitment to help you make it so you both get at least some of ehat you need. It sounds like an uphill battle.
Is sex that important? Think about how frustrated you are two years in and imagine another two and another. The. Ask yourself that question again.
1972POV: Maybe I’m lowbrow, but isn’t sex what makes a relationship special? Otherwise without it, what are you? Friends? Roommates?
JefemanG: Sounds like you know the answer to that question.
For me, as a guy, it’s hella important. Completely ignoring the pleasure from it, it’s one of the few ways I can completely express affection for her. No other point will she catch me as vulnerable as that and it is an amazing way to bond.
So yeah, it’s one of the largest things I consider important in a relationship.
protonophore: > he doesn’t believe in foreplay, he just wants to get his dick wet and finish
> he’s never watched porn before and thinks it’s “nasty whores”
> but says I stink and it’s unnatural to put your mouth on something like that
> He makes sex feel like it’s only for his pleasure and I’m just there to take it
> he immediately shoved it in and went to town and then finished
hmm . . .
> he was just waiting for the right girl
ah of course, of course.
I’m so sorry you’re suffering through this OP, he sounds unbearable. Not only is he shit in bed (doesn’t care about your pleasure one iota), he’s also completely against trying new things or trying to change.
The importance of sex varies between relationships, but for a lot of couples it’s very important. It’s obviously important for you, and this is completely OK! This guy is a real piece of work, and you could do so much better than him.
RochambeauDigMe: He is mean and says horrible things. Your question is irrelevant even but the answer is yeah. Think about it. A generous, kind, loving guy isn’t going to be a selfish lover. That attitude feeds into all areas of his life. He insults you and doesn’t care what you need. It doesn’t matter that it’s about sex. Those are horrible qualities in a person.
oceanscales: This isn’t really about ‘the importance of sex’. It’s about the importance of *good* sex, which comes from mutual communication, consent, and respect. Your boyfriend doesn’t care about your pleasure and doesn’t care about improving, he only cares about himself – this is not mutual respect. He doesn’t want to talk to you about changing anything and apparently “he immediately shoved it in” is just a thing that happens – there is no mutual communication and consent. The problem isn’t like…mismatched libidos, or someone trying but failing to master a skill, or having a specific kink that one person likes and another doesn’t. He just fundamentally doesn’t give a shit about you. He’s not just a sexually terrible boyfriend, he’s just a terrible boyfriend. You don’t need this.
Saffron-Kitty: Lets change the angle of how you’re looking at this a little. If a good female friend confided in you about this situation what would you tell her? I know my opinion and, while it may be shared by many here, it won’t give you as good an answer as the one your answer to my question.
booyoukarmawhore: I broke up with my first real gf after a year because it got to the point where I felt guilty for wanting sex and she never did. Seemed like she only consented (and it was consensual when it happened) out of a perceived obligation, not from an actual desire to participate.
Slightly different because you two actually want sex, but at the end of the day a bad sex life was a deal breaker for me, and you need to decide if that’s something you can live with or not. Prolonging it just makes it harder when you decide you don’t want to go on like that anymore.
Side note – my current gf was a virgin when we got together. She is eager to learn, enthusiastic, selfless and a sexual goddess. Only having one partner is not a reason to be bad. Experience comes from repetition, which can be with the same or different person.
JoeyHiya: For most men and women, it is important. For some it is not. Since you get super horny and cry after bad sex, I would say it’s important to you. Maybe you can teach your BF to pleasure you or learn to live without good sex (which I think is a big sacrifice and he sounds selfish, besides).
SpoliyCG: If sex is this important to you, you’re not getting any of your needs fulfilled, and your SO is this resistant to any sort of improvement, why exactly are you still with him at all? From your description, he doesn’t sound very considerate of you whatsoever, and he’s coming off really selfishly. And if he’s been like this for two years, do you expect any of this to change?
You’re 21. You have all the time in the world to enjoy sex with partners who actually care about your pleasure. What is it about this guy that’s keeping you tied down? You haven’t mentioned anything in your OP that’s positive about this relationship, so it’s really hard to fathom why you’re still in it.
thinksteptwo: R/deadbedrooms is a good place to start an answer for your initial question. Many people think sex is THAT important.
thesandcastlepokemon: You’re wasting your time with this man. He is inexperienced, yes, but has clearly NO interest in your pleasure or learning. Dump him and find someone who cares about your pleasure
18lloyda: You need to guide him, it’s not BS he doesn’t know how all he knows is penetration. You need to show him how to please you and tell him foreplay is a thing and in this situation is needed. You also need to stop fake moaning or fake orgasms if you do that as well as that doesn’t help anyone. Talk to him and if he disagrees tell him you need this to feel satisfied and if he doesn’t you can withhold sex and blowjobs until he agrees to let you show him.
just_let_me_sign_up: Stop having sex with him until he makes effort. People will argue using sex as a weapon is a bad idea, but I don’t think you have any other options.
>Like, here’s an example. Last night I came home around 11:30 pm from work and he was asleep, I was super horny and all I wanted to do was jump something lmao, so I managed to get him hard and he immediately shoved it in and went to town and then finished. I silently cried to myself for a good 20 minuets because like… I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS HORNY I HAVENT HAD GOOD SEX IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.. So any advice?
Stop putting yourself through this.
ReinbaoPawniez: Adding to the “it sounds like you already know you should leave him” crowd
cactusflower___: Omg. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. In my opinion, sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. But on top of that, the kind of sex you have is a major part of how you ultimately view yourself, because it’s such a deeply personal and intimate act. Negative sexual experiences can have a lot of weight on your self esteem.
You need to be honest with him. Honestly is always the best policy anyway and you aren’t helping anyone – you, him, or any of his future partners if you end up dumping him over this bullshit – by pretending any part of this is good. He needs to know. He’s inexperienced and you cant blame him for that, but you need to set aside your worries about hurting his feelings. If he’s going to realize how awful he is acting, his ego is going to get bruised in the process of him deciding to change, if he ever does.
You deserve better. And from the sounds of it, you could find better pretty damn easily. Poor sap needs to learn a thing or two.
bn_anon: My boyfriend has admitted to me that if he was in my position and the lack of orgasmns etc etc he would stop having sex.. so should I stop having sex? Because he says if i was the only one having an orgasm in our 73638393 times of having sex and he had none he’d be done..
pm-me-ur-nsfw: whether sex is really important to a person or not is only part of the equation. sexual satisfaction of your partner needs to be a part of it as well and he doesn’t seem to have any respect for your need to be an equal partner in the sex.
anonaway42: I was expecting a very different story. Yes sex is important, and you’re just not compatible with your partner. Data point of one, but I did my best to make sure my partners enjoyed sex as much as I did. This guy just doesn’t care about your pleasure. He gets off and is done. Sadly, there’s a lot of guys like that out there, but it doesn’t mean you have to settle for that.
almondcookie: You’re young, you’ll find better people. The boyfriends I had around your age were the same. Maybe I’m just dating older dudes now that I’m also older, or maybe my bullshit tolerance is extra low now, but they tend to care way more about my pleasure and aren’t grossed out by cunnilingus.
He doesn’t sound like a great person, to be honest. Super judgmental about porn? What important life things will he be super close minded about? Don’t even think about settling for someone who doesn’t value you.
Break up or take a break, and date/hook up with other people. It’s easy to devalue yourself when your partner does not respect you. If you date other people you’ll see that you can do much better.
L_Reading: To summarize, I’ll say this: sex is as important as you feel it is. Some people think sex is unnecessary and others can’t do without it.
Decide what your priorities are and own them, don’t let someone else make you feel bad about your needs.
tnbadboy1965: First things first, don’t EVER fake it. He is new at this and by you faking it he thinks he is doing a great job. That being said don’t ever fake it with anyone.
As far as your bf goes he is a very selfish lover and you should seriously consider moving on. However if you love him that much then you need to tell him what he is doing wrong.
nikki405: He is incredibly selfish. You should break up with him, immediately. It’s only a matter of time before this lack of care for you, your comfort, happiness, and feelings spills over into other areas of your relationship, if it hasn’t already. He has demonstrated that he does not love you. Move on.
jimmyjohn2018: Talk, communicate for fucks sake. And honestly the whole faking thig has to go. I had a serious sex talk with my wife about her pleasure and such and asked if she ever faked. Her answer, fuck no, why would I do that. If I am not doing it for her, she will tell me, and a I will adjust on the fly. Granted we are 20 years in now, but it was the same at year .5.
I will admit that it takes time to learn, but that is part of the fun. You are young, he may or may not be the one, but he is a part of your life experience, so show him the ropes. It might just work out.
TizardPaperclip: > … I fake moaning and all that so I don’t hurt his feelings.
So you made a mistake which created half of your problems. You’re going to have to have a difficult discussion to fix that for a start.
> So, about 7 months ago I brought the lack of orgasms to him and he tells me “what do you expect I’ve never had any other practice, …
Did you make it clear that you’d been lying to him? As far as he’d been led to believe, he was already very good at sex.
> I’ve asked him to go down on me but says I stink and it’s unnatural to put your mouth on something like that.
And yet he conveniently forgets that when you give him a blowjob. Either you believe in oral sex or you don’t. Either you both do it or neither of you do it.
> I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS HORNY I HAVENT HAD GOOD SEX IN ALMOST TWO YEARS.
According to what you’ve effectively told him, you *have* been having good sex for almost two years. It’s going to be pretty hard for him to adjust his perspective, after spending two years feeling like a skilled sexual partner.
Smithjm5411: Yes, intimacy and sex are super important in a LTR. Especially because he doesnt care about your needs. That is a massive red flag that this relationship is doomed.
What a great opportunity you both have to learn and grow sexually together. I wouldve given my left nut to have a GF at that stage of life who was super horny, willing to have fun and experiment with me. There are videos made especially for learning to be better in bed. And they are not full of nasty women (or men for that matter). Books too. I would give him an ultimatum; either we learn together to fulfill each others needs or this relationship is over.
cHowziLLa: simple sex therapy will put perspective in his head. make him read the book « she comes first »
tell him sex is not like porn.
528gpl: Yes it is, both partners should be getting sexual satisfaction. I always to be sure my partner had a pleasurable time.
FailingItUp: Tell him to be a man and please his lady!
Kurt114: From a man point of view your boyfriend is so selfish. You’ve gone extra mile to satisfy him and he should return the favour. That’s how any relationship works
mrbobxns: If it’s important to you, it’s important to your relationship.
iheartchemtrails: Sex is very important to a relationship to me. It is one of the important ways we express our love for each other and show that we care. He is not doing that and now you feel like you do.
How’s the rest of your relationship? Worth saving? Because based on your post and replies to comments he is selfish and boring. Unless he has some redeeming qualities I’d be sending him on his way before you waste any more time on him. You don’t want to be another 2 years into this and having the same problems, or even worse a pregnancy or proposal to worry about.
thegreatonemal: Sex is the entire point of a romantic relationship nothing wrong with dumping him because the sex sucks. Make sure you tell him its because of the sex. Hopefully that will cause him to take it more seriously in the future.
Zottie: Dump him.
APB_212: If he’s selfish and brutish in bed, why would he be different in marriage? You’re probably seeing the tip of a much larger iceberg.
kinkandcurves: Oh. My. Fucking. God. Stop. It!!!!!!!
Do not make excuses for a man that does not listen to your emotional and physical needs. He is not showing any compassion or respect. He is put off the smell of your vagina??? Find yourself a man who gets off on your scent, wants to make you moan for real and LISTENS when you have certain needs.
The issue is not how important sex is, the issue is how important is it to have a fair and respectful relationship.
I wish you all the best!
BabyBlackBear: What the fuck. He’s an asshole sex partner. Move on.
Friscolopter: Yes, sex is important for a healthy relationship. When I was with my ex, I didn’t like going down on her either cause of “smell.” That was when I was in high school, a 17 year old with my first gf and she’d already been in a number of relationships before she met me. Now a 24 year old male, I lost my virginity last year. I had all that time to really think and learn. I watched porn, videos for advice, masturbated to see what I like and what I don’t. I now discovered I’m more open to try new things and now I love giving oral to women. And the lady who took my virginity actually questioned if I really was a virgin cause I seemed to know what I was doing and other praise.
He needs to be more open to improvement and to take your needs into consideration. He should really consider himself lucky to have a gf like you wanting to help him and support him. If he doesn’t take this opportunity to improve, later in life he will learn the hard way.
WildWellington: Get out. That’s nuts. Regular good sex is a wonderful way to stay connected to a partner – even when your kids and jobs and life are making you busy and tired and you don’t have time to “date.” He’s bad at sex, doesn’t care and doesn’t care what you think. If you stick with him, get married, have kids, next thing he’ll do is have an affair because you have “let yourself go” and that will be that. Your life.
WaterIsNotLube: >So any advice?
Tell me why you’re still with him. Because from your initial post and responses it seems he’s completely selfish and you’re not capable of communicating your needs. It’s a really poor combination. Move on.
YeahOKWhateverDude: The irony here is that it sounds like you may be the problem. He’s new and you are unwilling to take the time to teach him you have to expect him to perform like someone with experience. To make matters worse you have been faking so any hope he had of learning is thrown out the window because the feedback he is receiving is false.
If you would like better sex you’re going to have to stop faking. You’re also going to have to take the time to teach him the ropes. If you’re unwilling to do those two things, and you haven’t so far, then I don’t see this situation getting better.
Hustle-to-Win: It is for the guy. I don’t understand you ladies sometimes. Some of you will be freaks in bed and others will be like, “do we have to do it right now?”…