GF had Breakdown after Sex, no Intimacy for months
So this is a very serious Topic for me right now. About 9 Months ago, my gf and i had sex, nothing special, but after this time, she suddenly had some kind of breakdown. She would shake a lot and just lie in my Arms, crying. We had sex many times before, many times of which she engaged and clearly enjoyed a lot.
Eventually she told me that at some point a few years before we met she was raped. She didn’t go into detail how far it went, but seems like it was pretty bad.
Since the day she told me, however, our relationship started to suffer. I have not once tried to sleep with her since, obviously, and she also doesn’t want to, we both agreed to not do it until she feels like she is ready for it.
The problem is that any kind of intimacy in our relationship effectively stopped. We don’t cuddle anymore. We just sometimes kiss each other. Right now, after 9 months, it feels like she’s just my Roommate. There is no more intimacy, nothing.
I will, of course, never ask her for sex, thats clear to me. I tried to talk her into seeking professional help, but she doesn’t want to.
What do i do now? I wan’t our relationship back. Before the whole thing, sex was never important to me, but now after 9 months i have realized that its a very important part of a relationship.
TerminalCuteness: She needs to get into therapy. If she refuses to deal with her trauma the you have a bigger problem than your lack of sex life and you will need to begin exploring within yourself if this is how you want your life to be. If she opts to seek treatment then stand by her and go through the process with her.
Mooninthewater: Okay so like I really relate to this. I was raped and it’s caused all sorts of complications for me in terms of touching. My guy sometimes feels like i won’t let him touch me at all like he’d never pressure me into sex or anything but he feels like I’m repulsed by him touching me in non sexual ways and that it leads to lack of intimacy and stuff. For me it was that i needed him to stop trying to touch me in non sexual ways. I needed to be the one to initiate the touching like even hand holding or just stroking my arm or anything at all i need to be the one to initiate it or it just makes me unconfortable. Maybe if you talk to her about it she might like to do something similar? Letting her be completely in control of being touched in any way might make the difference cause it shows she has control over her own body even in terms of none sexual contact. When i felt like cuddling my guy i wouldn’t do it because i didn’t want to encpurage him touching me or give the impression that i wanted him to touch me more or something. It may not make sense to anyone else but in my head it wad just really important for him to stop trying to initiate the touching
neildegrasstokem: I dunno how to tell you this.
My gf was raped two times by people she knew. She developed anxiety, got therapy, now we are doing a lot better. This all happened within 6 months. She was willing to fix it or work on it and I was willing to have patience.
Sounds like the opposite of what you have going on. in my eyes you only have three real choices. Stay and assume she will get better after you forget what it’s like to hold her and kiss her and all your guilt and resentment starts to turn inwards and your own feelings about yourself start to warp. Stay and demand that she get help for her good and the future of your relationship. 9 months is not that long if you’re actively trying to avoid something, but it’s an eternity when you are the one being avoided.
But I would leave. Man, she is not going to be the same when she’s done and had everything figured out. You met this girl before her ultimate transformation. She is mid-metamorphosis as we speak, and she doesn’t even know it. The avoidance is part of it, you feeling like shit is part of it, her sucking it up and making an appointment with a pro is part of it, but no one tells you that when it’s done, she’s gonna be different. I hope you’re still compatible at the end of all the pain. She’s gonna be dealing with a metric fuck load of emotions and some of them may attach themselves to you. Her perspective can change during the healing process and she may not see you the same either.
These are things I’ve gone through, and everyone who goes thru such a thing will react and handle and grow from it differently. I would not do it again if I had the choice as I am not as equipped as I thought to handle some of the extremes that comes with helping someone heal. I would let her get through this chapter in her own or with the support of family, rather than drag your psyche down into those depths while you watch on without affection given to you and only words to show gratitude. It’s nasty business, mate. You need to know what she is going to do next, and if that answer is not in your best interest then **leave**, now. Don’t come back to this thread a year later full of regret.
funkyjiveturkey: I relate very much this as I’m in almost the same situation. My gf was raped by her first boyfriend almost 10 years ago. Recently in the past year though it has been becoming more and more of an issue for her and our sex life and intimacy have suffered greatly from resurfacing trauma, even down to what you described with the panic attack post(mid)-coitus.
She’s in therapy now, by her own decision. We’re trying to work through it slowly and figure out how to take back our sex life. But it is a long, slow uphill battle. It’s very frustrating, and can get lonely at times. Your situation sounds a bit worse than what I would describe mine as but in order to see it through she needs professional help, and she has to want to do it. If you wait for her to be ready to start having sex again you might find yourself endlessly waiting. Time doesn’t always heal all wounds, she needs to get to the root of the problem and cope with her trauma.
You do have to ask yourself if you want to stick it out though, i’ve found myself asking myself the same question. This will probably affect both of you in pretty serious ways, but whatever happens I wish you both the best of luck.
k3ziah: EMDR. As with everything and everyone, it won’t always be a miracle cure for everyone. However, EMDR has proved to be incredibly effective at dealing with trauma and has a high success rate.
Use a private doctor, pay what you need to, get straight to EMDR. If you allow any room for them to push any other kind of therapy, it could be months before EMDR, and to me it sounds like she should be in therapy ASAP.
I’m not an expert. I just know what it’s like to have a really bad mental state. Don’t let her suffer with herself for any longer than she has to.
MammaDee: So from the female side of this equation – and honestly it may not sound much better than what others have already said. Though this happened decades ago, I assure you I never tell men about it because two things happen, well maybe three (1) they see me differently (2) I think they see me differently (aka shattered, damaged, etc.) (3) they treat me different sexually – just like you are and I get why it happens because you guys are being honorable and in this case it sounds like that is a good idea. But think about the #2, it’s probably very hard for her now knowing you KNOW what happened. Which means ‘something’ awful has been introduced into the relationship, something that can’t be undone or unsaid. The reason #2 is, in my opinion, the worst option is that you cannot control what she is feeling or thinking that you think – does that make any sense?
Sorry you are going through this, it sounds painful for both of you.
ArrowRobber: I’ve been in that situation. The relationship didn’t last.
She needs therapy and she needs to realize the therapy is for her. Not you, not the relationship, but for her.
Having open discussions about sex without guilt / blame is also good. Flirt verbally if you’re trying to gauge her mood and allow yourself no expectation of things going further nor feeling ‘hurt’ if it’s not reciprocated to the same scale. It can be more talking & tension will help her warm back up to her own sexuality.
The unfortunate angle is she could also have a lot of other anxiety & avoidance issues and is hanging up some other problem under the guise of sexual assault, but that deeper thing is more about the relationship already being dead.
wavesuponwaves: I had almost the exact situation as you, and i chose to just let her ride it out and see if she ever felt like taking initiative because I didn’t want to pressure her in any way. If anything, don’t do that, cause it doesn’t work.
itsjustmeandthedog: Sexual compatibility is very important in every relationship. Not to be insensitive, but get out of this relationship and advise your gf to get therapy. She’s not your responsibility.
BisonSupreme: It sounds fucked up but honestly it’s probably time for you to be making your exit. She doesn’t want to get help and it doesn’t look like this is going to get better.
BoredToDeathx: She’ll be fine.