I’m scared my boyfriend will never learn to control how fast he finishes. Did my ex set my expectations too high?
My ex wasn’t a good man, he was quite emotionally abusive. However he could go on for at least 30 minutes and had a bigger penis. So I always came super hard.
My now boyfriend of 3 years can barely last more than 7 minutes. He’s tried kiegels, a cock ring makes him way more sensitive. He’ll get to a point where I am close to orgasm so obviously I get wetter and warmer so it sends him to a point of no return but I am left without an orgasm.
The fact that I know I can have a squirting crying orgasm is bothering me a lot but my boyfriend is a wonderful guy. But it’s been 3 years. First two years was me just getting him comfortable with sex and I was patient when he came early. Now for this year I’ve told him we need to work on this aspect without telling him what my ex could do to me.
Is this a lost cause? I feel like I have more of a wandering eye with my current boyfriend because I am so sexually unsatisfied.
danthesavage: You just have to resort to other means of getting off. If he blows after 7 mins and you say you’re close, teach him how to use his fingers. If I can’t finish my woman off during sex this is what I’ll do. Or do it yourself
Anotherside714: Average length of straight up intercourse is 10 minutes. Sounds like he’s not doing so bad.
throwaway_cmk: I think your ex was pretty far above average in stamina and your current guy is more like average. I’ve been with my SO for many years and used to cum pretty fast, like 1 – 3 min, she likes hard / fast thrusting which doesn’t help. But this has never really been a big issue for us because I always ensure she gets off before and/or after piv with fingering or oral. I have also suggested and given toys as a gift but she is weird about them…
I’ve tried a few things to increase my stamina over the years with some success.
1. Kegels and reverse kegels, try to follow a routine or something that includes both long and short contractions. It’s also important that he relaxes his pc during sex until he clenches to hold back, otherwise it makes you cum quicker.
2. Edging… have him try edging at least 25+ minutes of stimulation without cumming, a few times a week, either alone or with you. If you don’t mind porn, some of the easier cock hero videos can be fun for this.
3. Try going down on him to completion an hour or 2 before the main event, if that’s enough time for him to recover. That helped me last wayyy longer.
4. You could try a delay spray like k-y duration. Try just a tiny bit to start otherwise he may have trouble getting it up. Ive used it occasionally and find like one drop applied only to the frenulum and I can last for almost as long as want but without removing all the good feelings. Make sure he applies it leaves it on for a few and then washes off any residue to avoid making you numb.
For us though we found that she is really unlikely to cum from piv alone no matter how long I go, and she ends up sore if we go at it for more than like 7 – 10 minutes.
Sensei_Q: You very well may be dwelling to much on your past sexual relationship. Telling him he should work on how long he last does nothing but puts pressure on him which could make the situation worse. Do you all go a round two, three, or even four at all. Personally I cum within ten mins of round one but after that my girl can’t keep up. Try doing more rounds of sex. I typically cum and just put it right back in her. Maybe you should ask your bf to be more aggressive when it comes to sex also.
Drop_: Was it the duration or the size that made a difference?
If he reads up on it he can probably fix duration issues if he practices, have him read up on orgasm control and tantric techniques.
If it’s size then there’s not much he can do about that. If it’s the filled feeling you desire, you could always try having sex with a plug in, and that will make you feel more “full” for sure. If it was the vaginal opening stretching you liked though, it might not make a difference with that.
RudolphMorphi: 7 mins is much nearer to the average than 30 mins. Half an hour far too long for some people. It sounds more like it’s you who has the problem, not your boyfriend and it’s unfair to compare him to your ex and force him into lasting longer if he can’t. Can’t you incorporate a vibrator into your sex life?
poppystmichelle: Seven minutes would be about perfect to me. Mine sometimes can’t even penetrate all the way before he comes. But he always makes sure I orgasm first so have him do that?
thedeadwantstarch: Does he go down on you? Use his fingers?
edubkendo: He may never be able to satisfy you the same exact way your ex did. Every sexual partner is different. But what he needs to be focusing on is how to satisfy you _in some way_. Whether that is via oral and fingering, or using toys, lasting longer, or some of all of the above. I would communicate that you are sexually frustrated and not getting as much pleasure from sex as he is. If he’s genuinely “wonderful”, he’ll care about this as much as anything else in your relationship and take efforts to address it.
reversechinlock: Your boyfriend is not the problem here.
You should talk to someone about your ex and the complexities of that abusive relationship.
Someone treated you poorly and yet that person is still the marker for all future relationships. That is not good for you or your future happiness.
KatRubicon: I’ve long been mostly unsatisfied with my current partner, but recently it’s changed.
What’s working for me is taking charge. Don’t just leave him alone responsible for your pleasure, make him help you. He may at first shy away from toys, but work with him, let him use them on you. The first time you orgasm properly, he may get on board.
Its worth trying.
tothrowaway1346: If you’re unsatiafied with the PiV sec your having he should be getting off before intercourse starts!
Make foreplay last longer, have him finger you or eat you out to orgasm before penetration. If you have sex and you haven’t had an orgasm yet, he should be using his fingers or tongue to get you off afterwards then!
There’s more to sex and orgasms than the penis! Good luck!
THE_IRL_JESUS: 7 minutes isn’t a short amount of time by any means.
But when I want to last longer I use ‘extended pleasure’s condoms. These legitimately work a wonder. Literally let me cum whenever I want (my partner is on the pill so I use the condoms for my desired amount, then take it off whenever I want to finish).
Seriously get him to try them. I’ve also heard of numbing spray but can’t speak for that myself
Contivity: How about stopping halfway, switch to toy then resume? Rinse and repeat until you’re done?
notsoinsaneguy: Why is your solution that your boyfriend learn to last longer and not that you should learn to cum faster? Based on how you’ve written your post and the rest of your responses in this thread, it seems like you’ve decided that men are responsible for your orgasms and not you. Getting over that mental barricade is probably the first step toward better sex.
If you don’t already, masturbate more and learn how to make yourself orgasm well, then teach your boyfriend how to do the things that you do to yourself. Find positions that work well for you on your own first. Maybe try positions where you can touch yourself during sex. On top of that, why not ask your boyfriend to bring you close to orgasm before sex with oral or manual stimulation? Or instead of using a cock ring on him, why not use sex toys on yourself?
It’s kinda fucked (and telling) that almost all the advice here is about how to make him last longer and almost nobody has considered suggesting that you try cumming faster.
NonrepresentativePoe: More importantly, have you shown your boyfriend this post? Have you talked to him about this matter? What would he think if you had? If you’re going to dwell on an abusive ex because the sex was good and talk about him like this online and behind his back (and if you tell me this isn’t behind his back, then show him the thread), then your boyfriend needs a better class of girl than you.
ShortbusOK: 7 minutes is *good*.
gamer_zzzz: Can you increase the amount of time spent on foreplay so that you can hit your orgasm by 7 min instead of trying to get him to last till 30 min.
rhiavolting92: I’ve had a few bf’s in the past with mixed results. The best sex ever (in all aspects) is with my current BF.
He does this thing though where he will deliberately try to cum really fast and try to force it out as quickly as possible.
He doesn’t know quite why it works, nor do I, but if he does that he can be reloaded and ready to go again in minutes, seconds even and he then lasts for ages. I usually end up completely exhausted and ‘totally fucked’.
Maybe get him to try that?
ohRyZze: I had the same problem as your boyfriend with my ex girlfriend that was really pushy about it. Now with my current girlfriend i feel really comfortable and last much longer. Dont get me wrong Im not a champ now but with my ex I lasted about 4 Minutes TOPS and now I can go for around 20. Honestly dont know the cause but I think it is that she is so chill about it.
One other thing is, even with 4 minutes I could get her to orgasm I just had to use a lot more tongue and hands but it wasnt hard at all.
hoodedhomie: I told an ex that she had my genuine consent to slap me–in the face as hard as she felt like–if I came before she was ready. It was a very rare occasion.
srsfam: The only solution I can really find to this is having him go down on you a lot.
My boyfriend tends to come pretty fast too since he’s uncircumcised, but what seems to work for him is certain strains of weed. He gets a little distracted lol and doesn’t focus on the sensations as much and he also tends to focus on the whole body experience of it as opposed to just his genitals. Also we’ve discovered this new thing where during sex if he comes close I tell him to breathe or relax over and over and it actually works.
I actually have a very hard time cumming and my boyfriend absolutely detested the idea of toys since he wanted to be the one to get me to cum, but he recently changed his mind saying he just wants me to enjoy myself as much as he does when we have sex so he bought me a vibe and a bunch of other sex toys we can use. So dont give up hope!
(huge runon i know)
saksophone: That’s a completely normal amount of time to last in straight up intercourse. You’ll likely never have thirty-minute sessions with him, but I assume there are other ways for you to get off, so it should be fine. Sex toys and manual stimulation should be first on the menu. Good finger technique is a good simulation of PIV.
ajbrooks192: 30 mins of penetration is actually quite abnormally long, your wandering eye could leave you with a man who finishes under two constantly (which just under half do). My suggestion would be seduce him, hj or bj until he cums, wait a little bit, get him to go down on you to turn you both on, then try fucking again. Should last a lot longer.
Trevie3: Does he have a tongue or fingers? Can you guys afford sex toys?
BarbarianBenNo1: Good sex can come from good people, step back and ask yourself how high of a need it is. All these excuses from other people about stamina and age don’t help your situation. This guy has had 3 years to figure it out, and yet you’re here. It would be better to end it over bad sex then it would be to end it over what years of bad sex does to you. If he knows this is a problem and does nothing on his end to meet your needs that works, it’s basic incompatibility. So either you tolerate the slow drive towards (hopefully) better sex, or you throw in the towel and move on.
Personally, I commend you for lasting as long as you have. I’m a man and don’t think I’d last six months in a comparable situation.
scuzzbat1: Use novocaine or some manner of teething cream to numb the tip of his dick. Durex condoms do a long last one that has novocaine in the tip. Could numb it too much though. You said that can lose his erections easily, could be an issue, but worth a chance. If you’re at the end of your wick with it then get him to try a viagra some time when you both have time to fuck, a lot.
diljag98: Honestly, I’d love for mine to last for 7 minutes. We’re talking about like 2 minutes on average of actual intercourse.
ramility: It sounds like your focusing on the end game a lot. try and have fun along the way. Yes telling him your ex used to smash the shit out of you is a super bad idea. I think communication will go a long way with what you want in bed. He’s happy because he feels good, just express yourself respectfully. Use a sex toy if thats what you want. it’s your body. If your happy with him maybe shorter sex is just part of the deal. pressure will make it worse try and focus on what feels good and talk to him not us.
cdj4711: Teach him to get u off without PIV. Tell him or guide him on how to lick your pussy so u can achieve those orgasms. Or are u only about to achieve orgasm thru PIV sex?
AwwwwYeeeee: Get a vibrator for both of y’all?
nuzlav: Great tip is start without a condom and when he’d about to cum put one on and he’ll be able to go at least another 4 minutes
inkedblonde13: I feel your pain, i think most women have been there at some point. Look at it on the flip side though, you obviously arouse him so much he just can’t help himself. Definitely communicate with him about the importance of finishing you off too though.
venticarameldelight: You need to teach him about “edging”. Look it up. But it is basically a technique that he can learn to make him delay orgasm. When he finally does come it will take longer but it will be big and powerful.
I learned (I didn’t know about it until I turned 36 and a man did it to me). When you begin to have sex (not sure if this is with a condom or not), your partner should insert and engage in thrusting for a second to a couple minutes. Take it out and vigorously rub it up and down between the labia, from the clitoris to the beginning of the vaginal opening. Then insert and begin thrusting again. Doing this a couple times will force him to focus on your pleasure a little more while slightly delaying his. Using this technique caused me to cum at least 3 times before he came and before the “Big O”.
I’m telling you it’s amazing. Sex with him was so good he had me looking for him in the daytime with a flashlight in my hand and a mattress on my back! For the record, his penis was long but not the type of thickness I like and he wasn’t what I would call a marathon performer. It was totally this technique. I hope this helps.
gnomeChomskii: I’m going to go against the grain here – the grain being that you just need to work with your boyfriend and find ways to compensate. You should seek out the best things you can in life without feeling guilty. Of course I don’t know much about you two, but unless you think he’s the one true love of your life, get what you need elsewhere.
Flane: I can barely last minutes unless intoxicated, a combo of weed and speed help most with prolonging cumming. Alcohol works but isn’t as controllable.
I also tried everything from cockrings to kiegel and viagra in my last relationship, also realizing that I cum way too soon put huge pressure on me and I am now at a point where I am unable to start new relationships due to this. I am saying this just to point out that your BF probably is stressed the fuck out from the pressure of performing. I know I was. Always.
MrJimLiquorLahey: This is not okay. If he knows he finishes quick then he needs to spend more time pleasing you first with decent foreplay.
mfsocialist: You sound like the bane of my dating life.
Oakstock: Have him pop a benadryl or two about an hour before sex. He might end up sleepy (better for morning sex), but he will have a hard time cumming.
JashDreamer: Don’t allow anyone to make you ignore your needs. Be honest with your partner and yourself. My current partner has a pretty sizable penis and can last up to 30 minutes, and I don’t believe I would be sexually satisfied with 7 minutes regardless of if it’s the average or not. Your ex being an asshole has nothing to do with your preference.
There may be other things you can do. You should try toys, or maybe he should give you oral first. Only you know what works for you and what doesn’t. But sex is a very important part of any relationship; what you shouldnt do is ignore your needs.
SilentAlpha: Can you not achieve one by other means? It’s also kind of ironic isn’t it that the sweet guy can’t seem to compete with the abusive guy who had a larger penis and more stamina??? No posting history here either……hmmmmm. As it just so happens.
dusky_grouper: In my opinion its all in the head. With some edging he should be able to last as long as he wants.
birdhoho: Although it may not be legal in your state, if you wanna try a herbal option, Kratom (small dosage) makes it harder to orgasm.
It can triple my normal time easy.
Latinhouseparty: How old is he? This problem may solve itself in a couple years.
NonrepresentativePoe: If he isn’t circumcised he can get that done & I guarantee you will be less sensitive down there. As for the size, well, how much smaller is he? Maybe you two just need to break up and it’s a lost cause