Every time my boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have sex, it’s a struggle not to cry.
My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have been together for four months. He is a nurse and prides himself on being an extremely mature, selfless, and empathetic human being which makes the way he acts in the bedroom very confusing. He is definitely not the loud, proud asshole type.
He doesn’t do foreplay. We will just makeout for a few minutes, and then he sticks it in. It is painful, but the pain doesn’t last forever. I have told him afterwards that it hurts and I needed to be warmed up, he says that he noticed that I looked uncomfortable and he will do better next time. If I ask for foreplay in the moment, well, you will see what happens…
I have never finished from PIV sex, although I don’t have a lot of experience with it (something I am very insecure about), but there are positions that feel better than others. He only does the positions that feel best for him. There have been a few times where he stopped a position that felt very good for me because he was going to cum. We had already been having PIV sex for a decent amount of time at that point too. It just feels like he never takes into consideration the positions I liked, and we just do the positions he likes in the order he prefers. I don’t feel aroused at all. I pretty much just wait for it to be over.
He has gone down on me about 5 times. It is hard for me to ask for it because he makes it into such an ordeal by groaning, rolling his eyes, etc. I know if I ask for oral, I am just going to feel even worst about myself. I already feel insecure enough about my lack of experience, never getting off with a partner, etc. I give him BJs about 80% of the time we are together…. It would be more if he went down on me more. I tell him what I like but he doesn’t listen. I ask him to touch my clit, show him exactly where to put his fingers, and it’s like he has no idea what a clit is. Like I might as well be saying ‘hdhfhhrh difuhrufhdueuw fjfjfjfjfj’ One time, I asked him to do a come hither motion with his finger since I heard that’s good for hitting the g-spot and he just wouldn’t do it.
When he gives me oral, he won’t look at my pussy. He will just move his tongue around but will avoid looking at me down there. It is a turn off, not only because he won’t look at me, but because it seems like he doesn’t care about getting better. He is licking me indiscriminately instead of having a method. Also, because he is just licking me randomly, when I tell him something feels good, he never continues with it, possibly because he is not exactly sure what he is doing.
He also gets so frustrated that he can’t get me off. He only goes down for a few minutes before he gets annoyed and starts whining. He will turn his back to me and say, “It’s not fair!” One time, I told him that I got close and his attitude was still one of frustration than of hopefulness. He says it only counts if I get off. The way I look at it is, if I can get close when he is making me feel bad about myself, what would happen if he made me feel good about myself?
On our third date, he asked enthusiastically “Do you want me to go down on you?” and he even said he loved it in his OkCupid profile. I guess he only really likes when the woman is screaming with pleasure that he is the world’s greatest lover within 30 seconds?
When we first started dating, he couldn’t keep an erection when it was time for PIV sex. I was really understanding and never made it about me, and after two months, the issue was resolved. It bothers me that I understood that him not being able to keep an erection was a mental issue and if I did my part of being supportive, he would eventually overcome it, yet he will not extend that same consideration to me when it comes to orgasms.
Every time we have sex, I pretty much spend the whole time trying not to cry. I know that’s an overreaction, but I have always been incredibly sensitive. I will even cry when people sing Happy Birthday to me. Unfortunately, there’s been a couple of times when I am not able to hold it in. When he sees that I am upset, he will start smiling like he finds it amusing and I will tell him what I want differently, he says that he will do better next time, but nothing is changing. It makes me uncomfortable that he works as a nurse yet seems to find it amusing when someone is in pain.
I want to bring it up more but I don’t want to hurt him. Because he is a nurse, and also because his dad died of cancer a few years ago, and he was a caregiver, he sees himself as a very selfless, patient, empathetic person. I feel like I need to be very careful if I bring it up more because if I imply that he is being self-centered, it’s a huge blow to everything he believes about himself. But I am tired of spending sex and the period after sex telling myself to keep it together emotionally. I will tell myself during sex ‘This is amazing, I love this’ but I guess there is something inside of me that is fighting. When I read about people’s fulfilling sex lives, it makes me so depressed that I don’t experience that.
TLDR; I spend sex trying not to cry rather than feeling any sort of pleasure or arousal.
isthisathrowaway19: >himself on being an extremely mature, selfless, and empathetic human being
doesnt sound like he does based on what you described. at this point it sounds like he is not listening to you, not respecting you, and overall treating you terribly in the bedroom. he needs to really want to improve, and you need to attend some sort of couples therapy together. otherwise, i honestly think this is an extremely valid case to break up with him.
TwentyHundredOne: He sounds like a douche. If someone’s bad at sex, that can be worked on….but if they ignore your requests, make you feel bad for even asking, don’t care about your pain or your pleasure, and continually make promises to change without actually trying to do so? That says a LOT about a person.
You deserve much better than this.
veryslowclap: I’d stop seeing this guy. You’ve talked and he’s not willing to change.
borg_nihilist: You have told him more than once how you feel. You’ve only been dating 4 months, dtmf!!!
Seriously, there really are good men in the world, who are also willing to pleasure you in bed. Do not waste your time on this guy. He sounds awful, not just because he’s bad at sex (and he is bad) but because he does NOT care about your pleasure or listen to your words.
SlouchyCouchKiller: He sounds selfish and immature to me. The second I read that he was entering you dry and apparently not giving a shit because it happens frequently I was like… girl you need to leave.
You don’t have to put up with shitty sex from a person who cares so little about your comfort and pleasure that they’ll knowingly hurt you because it’s too much effort to get you warmed up.
If you want to stay with this guy then you’ll have to accept that this is your sex life. It doesn’t sound like he cares enough to change things. It doesn’t sound like he cares about your pleasure at all. You’ve communicated a need and he’s demonstrated he doesn’t care by ignoring everything you’ve said and continuing to just do what he wants.
Does he do this outside the bedroom too? Does his opinion generally carry more weight in your relationship? Does he make decisions that impact you without taking into consideration how you feel?
aoaoao2: He sounds like he’s 12. He’s selfish in bed and and will probably reveal himself to be selfish in many other ways. It’s not going to get better and you don’t have to put up with it.
sooke98: Leave him he sounds like a sociopath .
sirslittleb: This sounds abusive to me. You have made it clear he is hurting you but he carries on. This is no way for a man to behave. I want to say forget this loser but it’s clear you want to try to work it out. You need to be absolutely clear that he is hurting you and you dislike what he’s doing and you don’t want him to do it any more. Explain to him what you need from him. Any decent man will be horrified that he has been hurting you both physically and mentally and will go all out to change this. If he doesn’t, he is not the mature and empathetic person he pretends to be and you rest do need to get away from him. No one should have to put up with this.
juniper_11: “When he sees that I am upset, he will start smiling like he finds it amusing and I will tell him what I want differently”
This along with the other stuff you’ve said seems to indicate that he actually gets off on your pain. Dump that ho.
Joeybing9: I only read your tldr, but it sounds like you’re spending a lot of time not trying to hurt him by bringing it up, but in the meantime he’s hurting you.
In my opinion it must be brought up and you must resolve this, this is no way to have sex.
PM-ME-Y0UR-NUDES: To be honest it just sounds like he sucks at sex.
thedeadwantstarch: Wooooow. He wonders why he can’t get you off when he refuses to do what you ask him to do in order to get you off. Stop sleeping with this overgrown child and find a partner that will listen to your needs. A real man listens and responds to his lover. Not says WAHHHH when he doesn’t get his way. What disgusting, douche canoe behavior.
You don’t want to hurt him!!?? Fuck. That. He needs a wake up call. Tell him straight up what he’s doing wrong and then dump him! Men like him never get better, they just use women as masturbatory tools. If you stay that’s how it will always be. Please, for your mental well being, I beg you to get out now.
elliania2012: You need to practice using the word ‘no’, hopefully for your next relationship, because this one should probably end at the earliest opportunity.
‘No, you can’t stick your dick in yet, I’m not wet enough.’
‘No, I don’t want to do that position right now.’
‘No, I don’t want to stay in this relationship, you selfish asshole.’
Don’t just put up with this kind of bullshit.
My_Frozen_Heart: He may be a selfless, patient, empathetic person everywhere else but in the bedroom he’s just being inconsiderate and selfish. If you’ve already brought it up multiple times and noting has changed I honestly wouldn’t have much hope of him suddenly having an epiphany.
A healthy relationship shouldn’t leave you feeling depressed. Only you can decide if you are willing to settle for this but you’re young and have nothing tying you to him (marriage,house, kids, etc) so honestly I would cut him loose.
Plzhelpmybutt: Please stop seeing him. You deserve a million times better than this and there are so many guys out there who are willing to treat you so.
SqueakyBall: OP, this makes me very sad for you. It makes me think you don’t value yourself highly, that you don’t have a healthy sense of self-esteem that you put up with this man’s terrible behavior. You deserve so much better!
Like the other commenters here, I think you should break up with him. That’s easy for us to say. But really, you should never have gotten into a four-month relationship with him.
When you go out on a date with a man, when you’re just getting to know him and the sex is terrible, that’s a sign you shouldn’t go out with him again. Particularly when the reason the sex is bad is that the man is selfish, he doesn’t know what he’s doing and he doesn’t care about your pleasure.
When sex makes you want to cry with unhappiness rather than joy, it’s time to stop going out with that person.
Please demand more from the men you date in the future. Good luck. xo
MissQuickening: He sounds like a total dickbag who’s taking advantage of your inexperience and low self esteem (you saying you’re extra sensitive is you invalidating your emotions and leads me to believe you don’t value yourself enough). The fact that he is amused by your being on the verge of tears is a huuuge red flag. Leave this asshole before he gets inside your head any further! There will be plenty more lovers and boyfriends for you. This guy could really damage you imo.
forewarned_forearmed: He turns his back and says its not fair? Is he 6 years old?
Jigglyesque: >prides himself on being an extremely mature, selfless, and empathetic human being
Does this look like something a mature, selfless and empathetic human being would do? the fk is wrong with you? And then I read your post. Do you REALLY REALLY believe he’s all of that? Damn, it’s such a shame seeing a sensitive girl like yourself going through that.
Whatchamathing: Glad to see you’ve only been together four months. Why should you waste more time on somebody who is apparently perfectly okay with being this selfish? You’ve already told him and it isn’t getting better, which means that it never will. Please stop inflicting terrible sex on yourself and go be single
stonemilker16: I am sorry to hear how much of a bad, narcicistic and self-centered lover he is. It sounds to me that he doesn’t have the minimum desire to make you feel beloved and desire… How comes he roll his eyes when you ask for an oral?! No way! Dump the mother fucker and go find a guy who is crazy about making you feel great!
primrose_path: Your boyfriend is not actually an empathetic person. His self-image may revolve around the idea that he is, but he is clearly using his insistence that he is empathetic and a caregiver to avoid accountability for the total lack of empathy that he’s shown you. He shames you about your body, he bullies you for not coming without any effort on your part, he smiles when you cry, and he promises (apparently repeatedly) to do better and then does nothing. It sounds like he is counting on you being unable to stand up for yourself, so that he can keep having one-sided sex that makes you miserable.
Is there any part of your relationship where he actually is kind to you? Because what I’m seeing is that he’s unkind, and you’re unhappy, and you’re trying not to hurt his feelings even though he’s done nothing to spare yours.
lolokitty: If you really have feelings for him, maybe give him one more chance to improve and if he doesn’t, that might be a good time to cut things off. He sounds like he’s taking so much and not giving at all and reciprocity is so key in a relationship. I can relate to being extremely emotional, and I’ve been in a similar situation. Ultimately, I broke up with the selfish guy because we would literally only have PiV and I would never get off and he never cared and I just kind of accepted that and that’s NOT OKAY. get your shit girl, there are going to be plenty of men who would love to go down on you and would listen to your requests. Your current man sounds childish, especially with the whole “it’s not fair!” Thing… tell him HES NOT BEING fair Fuck I’m so pisse
utahraptorsandtigers: It’s not right for you to be spending what should be your happiest moments trying not to cry. This boy(tough to say man considering what you’ve told us) is extremely selfish. Not just in his actions, but in his in-actions to your concerns. There are literally millions of men that would fall down on the ground and weep for the chance to treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. Stop wasting your time with someone who isn’t interested and find that lucky man who is!
Coidzor: Either A. the two of you have some real talk about this shitty situation and how to fix it or B. you break up already.
hrhgoodbitch: Wow, your boyfriend honestly sounds like a huge dick. Sex should be fun and it is HIS fault that it’s not fun for you. There are so many guys who love going down on girls, and foreplay, and will care about your pleasure.
Your boyfriend is NOT being a “very selfless, patient, empathetic” person. He lacks self-awareness and kindness in this situation. And I’m sorry, but it sounds like he doesn’t care about you or your feelings.
He is making you unhappy. You deserve and can find someone so much better. Drop him.
thelastmindbender: Fuck this. Really. You are too young to waste your precious time and energy on this selfish asshole. There is no excuse for his behavior. The reason for it is that he does not care about you. Really.. If you are honest with yourself you know that that is the only possible explanation for this behavior. I have been there and now that I have some one new I feel sooo much better. Sex is supposed to be the best thing ever. Not fucking torture that you endure. It is not worth it to stay with this guy. I bet that he is fucking selfish in other areas too.
Please just get out of this.
vdjoo: Please leave this guy. This isn’t normal. Your partner is supposed to enjoy making you feel good. Sex is supposed to make you feel good. It isn’t always totally straightforward, and pleasuring a new partner sometimes takes a bit of effort, but working it out together can be a joy and an exercise in trust and mutual care, and you’re missing out on all of that. He doesn’t know how to have a good time, or even how to want one, and he’s not showing you the level of care or interest that you’re showing him. You deserve better!!
jollyollyoxnfree: Oh man, the fact that you’re worried about hurting HIM…
I honestly kind of agree with most of the other input from the comments. Even if I try to give him the benefit of perhaps not being very experienced himself, who whines about being generous/considerate during sex?
I have a close friend who took a long time to finally be able to orgasm from PIV. She went through it with a few different guys, and was convinced she was broken. She’s now engaged to a really great guy, who after just a handful of times in the bedroom used her feedback and get her to orgasm via PIV. The point of that story; I wouldn’t expect it to get any better, if he’s not even able to put in the selfless EFFORT. There ARE men out there who are generous lovers and ENJOY it, and there’s no reason you should settle in the meantime for someone who’s literally hurting you.
If you stay with him and the pattern just continues, I can’t imagine how you wouldn’t just end up resentful and avoiding sex period. I’m pretty sure you could read through /r/DeadBedrooms and find some great examples of why that model doesn’t work out for anyone involved.
StimpyLockhart: Lots of people pride themselves in certain things they think they are so great at, when in reality they are the opposite in many ways. Not saying he is an asshole, but he sure sounds like one
AvantGauche: Break up with him, you’ve tried communication and it hasn’t worked. He’s a cunt, don’t waste your time
Aardvark1292: Guy sounds like a tool. No offense, but if he won’t listen to you about this, he’s not going to listen to you about anything else either (arguments, budgeting, family).
Also, and it certainly isn’t my place to say, but I’m still going to. He sounds like an emotionally/mentally abusive person who uses manipulation and control to feel empowered. The moment sex becomes about power and not about love, or at least both people equally feeling good, then get out.
Gamma_cleavage: Girl he is doing this on purpose. Get out of there. He’s not a good guy.
borninpa68: You’ve been putting up with this guy 4 months too long. He is disrespectful to say the least. Bye bye.
full_on_monet: Everyone has already said everything that I want to say about this douche, but I still want to throw this in: DUMP HIM! You deserve to enjoy sex!
dirtymartini83: Ugh…can you list what is making you stay? He’s a horrible, selfish lover and sounds like a complete jerk!
thhrowaway_: Honestly I understand to the point that my bf and I have been together for a year and I go down on him 99% of the time, and he’s never gone down on me. If you don’t see him changing, spare your sanity and leave. It doesn’t seem like he’s willing to put in the effort and that will bleed into other aspects of the relationship as time goes on. It doesn’t matter his profession, people can be anything but still be a prick. You deserve better.
hektek2010: This guy is a certified douchebag and an immature man-child. A man’s job is to make sure his woman is satisfied above all, before his own pleasure. When she’s happy and fulfilled she will do anything for you. This selfish clown have no idea about a woman’s need when it comes to making love. Move on now, he’s not worth a minute of you time again.
abbcrig: Its simple, you two are not sexually compatible.
AidaClem: Just get away from this guy. Seriously. This (his attitude) can’t possibly just be isolated to your sex life??? Just break up. That’s it. PLEASE
caduboyce: Youre sexual needs don’t match each other. Sex plays a big role in having a healthy relationship. You need to seat down and make changes inorder to both be satisfied. The odds of this relationship working out on unsatisfactory sex are very slim.
high-priestess: He seems unwilling to even try to understand how you feel. You deserve much more than this. If he’s not open to communicating or taking your feelings into consideration, this problem will not change.
SirDalek: He will turn his back to me and say, “It’s not fair!”
throwaway10849: Just tell him he needs to check your pussy with his finger before slamming it in. You can feel if it’s ready. Another sexy thing you could do is masturbate and get things started, then have him feel it and be like “this is how wet I can get this is what it should feel like before your dick goes in.”
arriflex77: You have literally CRIED having sex with him and he hasn’t bothered to make an effort? Dump this fucker.
Keefsmoov: Well I see a lot of people just slamming this dude and i understand why. He seems like a jerk from what you’ve said but that said I’ve had this issue before where I wasn’t pleasing my lover in the way that she wanted and it took some work for sure. After looking online a little bit I had come to the conclusion that i was looking at pornography and masturbating too much and it was like nothing i could do with this girl could live up to the fantasy and it diminished my RL sex drive. So i quit looking at porn and jerking it for like two days and I was horny as fuck and the next time I had sex giving oral was no longer a chore. Matter of fact it was a fucking pleasure and i was really stoked that she was getting off on it and it made it was super hot for both parties. Afterwards we had a little chat about what i had done to make the change and i told her and she was a little taken aback about how often i whack it normally but she was just excited that it wasn’t just that i wasn’t into her or that i thought she was ugly or something. Definitely not the case. Probably not the case with you guys. Also with our new openness about sex I was able to say that i would like going down on her a lot more if she trimmed the hedges a little bit and that was that. Ask him about it and if hes not whacking it too much then he might just have low T. Tends to hit dudes at that age but there are medications for it.
neuenono: > four months
Not too much time has been wasted on this guy! Get out **now**.
RudolphMorphi: Being a nurse doesn’t make him a saint. He’s being a selfish arsehole towards you.
theudoon: Why are you even with this guy, he sounds like a selfish shitsack?