I sexually harassed 3 girls in Jr high and High school [confession]
In seventh grade, I remember sitting in the back of the math classroom. I was there with my cousin, who was in the same grade, and a mutual friend of ours. All of us were boys, for the record.
In front of us were 3 girls. And in our smallish school, they were definitely the most attractive girls. I’d just recently realized I liked girls maybe 2-3 years prior and now I was really starting to notice them.
The other boys were as well as we’d often make comments about boobs or butts or whatever amongst ourselves. But we’d never, ever let anyone hear us.
On this day I remember my cousin and the other boy got my attention and pointed to one of the girls in front of us. You could see her butt from the way she was sitting in the chair. My cousin leaned over and squeezed her butt.
I was in total shock. I’d never seen anything like that in real life before. I was even more shocked by her reaction. She just kinda looked back at him like she was mildly annoyed. That was it.
After that, I would constantly see similar stuff happen. This was around the time everyone started hugging a lot. A hand would graze a butt, a boo would get grabbed and it was just happening all the time.
My mom had always told me to keep my hands to myself. This wasn’t in reference to sexual assault. This was just a general rule about respecting people’s personal space. I would never have dreamed about touching someone, but everything I was seeing made me think, “well, it must be okay if everyone is doing it and no one is getting in trouble for it.”
No girl ever told a teacher or even looked mad. And a lot of these girls were super fiery. They’d argue and go toe to toe with anyone. One of them literally fought a guy before.
So I thought it was okay.
So the first time I assaulted a girl was eigth grade. Her name was Alexis. I still remember it. I saw her standing in class, no teacher was in the room, and I just thought that this was my chance. I felt I needed to catch up to the other boys and finally touch a girl.
So I walked up behind her and smacked her butt.
And she just laughed. Nothing happened. She never told a teacher. I never got in trouble. And afterward I didn’t feel good. I felt ashamed, but happy I’d gotten over the hump. I’d caught up to my peers and I felt better about that, but I felt gross after I did it.
The next time I touched a girl, I was a sophomore in high school. The seniors were graduating. There was one girl who was extremely attractive. Tanisha. All the guys were around her and trying to get her attention and she seemed to be enjoying it. Then I noticed that a lot of guys were openly grabbing her boobs and butt….and she was just smiling and laughing. Poking her butt and chest out for them.
At this point, having virginity was like having the plague if you were a guy. And nor being able to touch a girl in front of people and have her react positively was basically proof youwere a pathetic virgin.
So being there and being the only guy to not have touched her, I inched my way over. I started talking to her and made her laugh. Then I asked to sign her shirt and she let me. She asked me where I was going to sign it and I poked her boon and said “there”.
She poked out her chest and then the other boys actually made fun of me because I apparently didn’t go far enough with touching her. So I felt embarrassed and like I touched her for nothing. I just played off my shame, and left.
After that, I felt both pathetic because I didn’t go far enough, and gross for touching her like that. I wondered how she must have felt to know I didn’t actually come to her because I wanted to talk or cared about her graduating, I just did it to touch her like the other guys.
The last time I touched a girl was later in my sophomore year. It was the end of the school day and kids were gathering near the flagpole before going to the bus and to their cars. For some reason, one girl got picked up on some guys shoulder and he was carrying her around and, again, alllll the guys we smacking and grabbing her ass. This time I noticed she was quiet.
But, again, I felt I had to keep up. So I did it too. I smacked her butt.
And I never even knew that girls name. If I saw her today I wouldn’t know because I never even saw her face. She was just an ass to touch. I feel sick thinking about it.
I’ve spent a lot of time since hearing about women being sexually assaulted over the past couple years. I kept wondering how it was even possible. No way that many women have been assaulted. And then it dawned on me that I had assaulted 3.
It’s true. The women are right. There are a lot of situations where they are stripped of any humanity or identity and reduced to a body part to touch. They’re treated as a rite of passage. Like a game. I touched those girls because I felt my value as a man was less if I didn’t touch them.
I see it now. Toxic masculinity. I wasn’t the tallest, I wasn’t the quarterback on the football team, I wasn’t the strongest, I didn’t have the biggest dick, I didn’t have the most sex, so my self worth was 0.
That’s what male worth was boiled down to in high school and Jr high. We never talked about dating someone we liked. We talked about “getting pussy”. The person attached to the pussy didn’t matter. At all. I can’t tell you how many guys I heard tell a girl “I love you” and then laugh about she was a stupid bitch or how she was annoying or dumb or how he was fucking her friend too.
I remember being surrounded by it as a kid. I have one uncle. No dad. This terrible uncle was the only adult male at all in my life. All he ever told me was how to lie to “get pussy”. How to dog a woman out. The things he was telling 12 year old me, I’m disgusted by them now.
This same guy would talk about how “hip hop music doesn’t respect women”. I literally watched him beat a woman who was pregnant with his baby. But he lectured us on respecting women.
This is the toxic culture feminists are talking about. I basically grew up being taught to value women for being a sexual object and nothing more, while convincing myself I respected them.
This is why I couldn’t accept their claims about rape and assault. But it’s real. I’m a culprit of it. [Remorse]
shootorshoot: This was honestly a good read. even though you’re feeling guilty about it, you *recognize* the wrongness of it. you could have either ended up with the mindset that your uncle has or, the mindset that you currently have (obviously we all know what the right one is). you can’t take those actions back but, you have learned from them & posting this on a few different subs might possibly impact someone else to make the right decision. that’s a *good* thing.
whiskey_pants: Honestly I really appreciated reading this. I don’t know if anyone who has ever touched me without permission feels like this, but it’s really nice to know someone does. It’s nice to know someone hears us. It’s nice to think that maybe some day men will get it, that sometimes I laughed because I was embarrassed and had no idea how to react and save face at the same time. When I was in jr high the harassment of me was so bad I went to the administration for help. They in turn held a meeting with the boys where they attempted to address this behavior. Afterword I had earned the nickname “meat”. I was so confused until one of the sweeter boys informed me that it was awful and it was because they were directly told to stop treating *me* like a piece of meat. No joke. Thank GOD it was near the end of that year and I didn’t have to stay stuck in that nasty little microcosm much after that.
caitlyn_hardie: This was a very refreshing thing to read and it perfectly reflects the affects of a patriarchal society on both genders. As a woman, there are so many things I grew to accept as the norm, the verbal comments, the pressured sexual acts. I learned to smile through it all, and pretend I was into it, to the point where I thought it was what I wanted. I was taught that this is kind of reaction was the end goal, it meant I was valuable and sexy to the men in my life. For a while, that’s all I thought mattered. It took me years to realize I didn’t have to have sex if I didn’t want to, and that I wasn’t a bitch for not smiling and saying “thank you” when a significantly older man told me I was a “sexy little thing”. There should be more men who can admit when they did wrong, and identify the issue, like you.
Jezzikial: Well done for owning your behaviour and for calling it what it was. Too many try to play this kind of thing off, as seen already in some of the comments here (boys will be boys, hormones, the girls wanted it etc.)
The fact that you’re mature enough to talk about it like this is great, and it’s a start in the right direction.
girlwithguccibelts: I have so much respect for you for learning from your mistakes, acknowledging how women are dehumanized, and then posting this.
I seriously hope every guy on this sub reads this and gets to see from the male perspective what sexual assault is. I bet there are tons of guys who have done stuff similar to what you did and still don’t acknowledge it as being sexual assault.
Hopefully lots of people learn from this. I certainly learned from it too. I love this because it shows how men are negatively impacted by rape culture.
polarised: That schoolyard you speak of sounds pretty fucked up. Is that normal to see in the states? At my Aussie high school the boys mostly bullied each other and so did the girls. But nothing openly touchy between boys and girls like this. Boys were taught to respect girls, at least in public.
stringerbbell: Uhhh.. If a girl pushes her butt out to be smacked and then laughs, it’s not assault. She’s just being playful.
strawberryee: I’m a girl and all the things you described used to happen to me in middle school and high school. Once a guy flashed me. I was also held down once while a guy rubbed my vag through my clothing. I was silent, I wasn’t strong enough to get him off me and I didn’t want anyone to see me in that position. High school was really weird. I’m okay, I’ve grown from these experiences.
The stuff you did, I know we both know it was wrong. But I also know you were a dumb kid. If you recognize that this isn’t how to treat women, nice! I mean, that’s how we’re all *supposed* to be in the first place. I’m sorry you grew up in such a shitty environment (I did too, so I get it..) Just keep doing the right thing and being a good person.
I enjoyed reading your experience/confession.
doggos_for_days: First of all, **thank you** for posting this and talking about it so openly. I’m sure this must have been hard, both to admit this for yourself and to post it here. To admit your own wrong doings are one of the greatest character traits you can have. You honestly sound like an amazing person with a lot of empathy and self insight, and you knew from the automatic emotional reactions you got afterwards from the very first time doing this, that it was inherently wrong. You will make someone really happy one day, if you haven’t already.
This just proves that both young men and women are affected by growing up in a rape culture. And USA truly is one, even though people like to comfort themselves with the denial that this term is somehow just made up by “feminists”. I come from a Scandinavian country and I spent a year in Texas as an exchange student in high school. Before that, I had never felt like I was less worth or a piece of meat for simply being a girl. I had never heard boys (or girls) call girls “sluts” or “whores” before. I had never felt objectified, unsafe or violated. I can’t tell you how shocked I was – real culture shock – seeing and hearing what I saw in that High School. Even from my friends I made there. It forever proved to me that sexism and rape culture is a part of exactly that, *culture*. It depresses me to say it’s completely ingrained in your country. But people like you gives me hope for the future. People like you are the ones that have the power to make a real change in the society that you live in. To talk about these issues with your friends, your colleagues, your family. Or just be one less person to act in this way. So again, truly, thank you for this post. It makes a ton of difference, believe me.
stoneyygal: This is really amazing how Open and honest you are about this. I think it’s genuinely fascinating to see a males perspective on this topic and it was interesting to read your experience in school and what kinds of things lead you to sexually objectify women. I think a lot of men are just clueless and almost have sociopathic issues when it comes to realizing what they’re actually doing. We need more guys like you and we also need to let go of this masculinity game and teach our kids differently someday.
finallydoinit: Woah this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The last one sounded bad and the rest of this looks like hormones and kids dealing with their sexuality. If you kept doing it or were an older adult there would be a problem but most kids learn quick this isn’t something you do. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
JunahCg: Use this lesson to teach your kids to insist upon consent, and to speak up if they feel uncomfortable. Can’t change the past though; I think it might be time to forgive yourself.
infinitethrill: Literally hundreds are harassed in this way every week at the rocky horror picture show. What can we do?
Gridsystems: Thank you!
Madeitforthiss: Hello, I am very curious to know where you are from (country), could you share ?
Ukelele-in-the-rain: Thank you
ORGASMO__X: I have a question for the OP. Are you a BM or a WM?
SomethingLessEdgy: Man my school was sooooo different. Im sure stuff like this happened but we were a small school, girls took guys DOWN, teachers were afraid, like I didn’t have a government teacher senior year because a girl got him fired, (I actually think he may be innocent but that’s another story) and like, all the groping I saw was very much mutual. Sure girls got their butts smacked but they smiled and enjoyed it. Plus that girl was a wild child and I heard she quite enjoyed her sexy time (I say that with no malice).
Idk I was apart of a group of people who called out guys who’d date freshman because they can’t score a girl their own age, we policed ourselves heavily and people got their social lives torn apart if they acted out of line.
Hot_Pink_Knob: Toxic masculinity? Have a word with yourself mate.
You need to realise this happens in highschool, everyone’s hormones are raging and everyone’s fucking horny. Unless a girl says no and is in clear distress and you still go ahead with it then yes that’s sexual assault, but you said it yourself, she was clearly being playful and she obviously enjoyed it. It’s just a bit of harmless fun.
virus5877: So let’s move past the confessions and the stories, and the hand holding…
WTF do we do?
I say we teach sex Ed younger.
I say we teach girls to fight. Would you have grabbed the second time if you had gotten slapped the first? Doubt it. Human children learn fast from that kind of lesson.
Those girls laughing are making this all worse. Guys then think it’s ok, and that girls like that kind of attention. This is definitely a societal issue, not just a male one.
CaptBroadside: I’d say the first and third girls were harassed. They clearly expressed dislike to the situation that happened or was happening. OP shouldn’t feel as bad as he didn’t know better but learned it wasn’t okay to do stuff like that. Some people never learn.
The second girl would be debatable. No hesitation or hint she may not like the situation as far as OP recalls. He also said he didn’t go that far as groping her excessively like his peers said he should’ve done. If that is true then OP shouldn’t feel bad for this one situation. If however she didn’t like the situation but did nothing to end it then it is partly on her. Not fully or even a majority of fault but some.
Calling it “toxic masculinity” however isn’t true. That phrase places undue blame solely on men alone. This is more society failing to teach these kids right and wrong and what can and should be done about it before it got to this point.
rusty_rampage: I am impressed with your honesty here. Many of us are not ready to be open enough to publicly admit to these things.
I think the ‘Me too’ movement is powerful and important. However, I am a bit taken aback at the casual sweeping generalizations that are being made about men, and in fact that all men are guilty of sexual harassment or assault on an individual basis. Based on anecdotal evidence. From a scientific perspective, there just isn’t enough data to make these kinds of statements. There is a big difference between culturally normalized harassment and assault and ‘yes I mean ALL men are guilty!’
PurplePilled: Congratulations! You have completed the early male experience, level 1.
Your next assignment is to take what you learned from this experience and find a girl who is receptive to your advances. That will be more rewarding than your experience so far.
Boys learn from girls and vice versa through the pressing of boundaries. You didn’t do much to be ashamed of, as such behavior is common. Don’t let it go to your head. Your conscience is doing its job and keeping your hormones in check.